Little & Big Monsters

Crap comes in all sizes.

Video Brinquedo: 2009

On our last induction, we talked about the "Asylum of animated movies", Brazilian company Video Brinquedo. A company responsible for some of the worst animated knockoffs perhaps in history. We also talked about one of their more recent movies, what you would get if you took Up, and added unlikable characters, and tons of racism. That was What's Up: Balloon to the Rescue, and it starred characters who have become regulars in Video Brinquedo CGI films. They're first appearance was in a knockoff of another 2009 CG Film. Monsters Vs Aliens, meet your retarded counterpart, Little and Big Monsters.

So, let's chase this monster of a garbage film out of existence, and let's review this thing.



We open our film with something original. A Rube Goldberg alarm clock, as our retarded scientific mind Dr. Crumb is awakened by his breakfast/news robot. Which all goes fine, until...



Yep, not even 2 minutes in, and already ripping on the Chinese. Even going so far as to spout "Chan bu chin ba chang." Just lovely.

From there we get an epic countdown of a boiled egg being ready to serve. Crumb tries to use a ray gun to put salt on the egg, but it's unresponsive. Maybe you should've just, i dunno, USED A SALT SHAKER! And the unholy spawns.. I mean Guto and Amanda head to the kitchen to talk to him. Through exposition, AKA veering the conversation away from the salt gun, Amanda explains that today's the inauguration of the intergalactic transmission antenna, a tool that can talk to other interplanetary life forms. When Amanda and Guto offer to help, Crumb throws a hissy fit, and says "you can't trust machines especially for your own safety". This coming from a guy who's job as an inventor is to pretty much trust machines. Also, we're constantly reminded that Dr. Crumb and Dr. Zooks fought off aliens in the "Invasion of '54".

At the inauguration, Crumb and Zooks activate the antenna (Which looks more like a telescope than an antenna). And, being the good uncle he is, Crumb sends Amanda to give the first test. So, after a BS conversation about how the kids are the most important thing to him, he puts them in charge of a possibly dangerous tool?


I've said it before, I'll say it again. What a prick.

Guto gets butthurt that he wasn't the one to turn on the antenna, and heads home, not before noticing a comet that's coincidentally hurdling to earth at that exact moment. The comet is actually a glowing green ball, which Guto has no problem taking. He tries to tell Dr. Crumb, but being the prick he is, Crumb doesn't believe him. And not only that, but he's hiding something from Amanda. Later at the lab, the antenna finally gets a message. The scrambled message talks about junk food, and Dr. Crumb takes yet another hissy fit. Crumb and Zooks then do the logical thing. Instead of trying to decipher the first alien message right there and then, they decide to go to bed instead. The next day, the ball Guto found turns into slime and escapes out of his window. Apparently there's aliens attacking.


Unless they're invisible, this is the least impressive alien attack ever.


And while we're still in Guto's room, look at the big ol' "Poster" for another Video Brinquedo ripoff "The little cars". I also don't recall many posters with the big DVD logo on the bottom of it.

Amanda deduces that there's 3 monsters, and they came out of the glowing ball, which Dr. Crumb deduces was an egg. At the lab, Guto turns on a radio to which we hear in gory detail the aliens tearing apart a zoo. Amanda wants him to turn it off, but he doesn't. Either Guto is..

A. Just trying to annoy her.
B. Suddenly suffering from a bout of random deafness
C. Getting off on animals being slaughtered.

Amanda asks her uncle to get the weapons and get ready to fight like in "The battle of '54", but Crumb again tries to feed her BS. He also doesn't believe that there are any monsters, despite the reporter just talking about animals being destroyed. The only reason he made up "The battle of 54" is so he could trick the government to fund their antenna.

And this is supposed to be one of our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

He also worries that once Amanda finds out, she won't respect him anymore. I wouldn't blame her, you're a horrible human being.




While he has his pep talk with Dr. Zooks, Amanda and Guto leave. While Guto tries to talk to what appears to be a deaf popcorn vendor, we finally see the first monster of this movie. Dr. Crumb picks up the kids in his red convertible, but leaves our African American popcorn vendor to fend for himself, but would you really be surprised by now? He also finally confesses to Amanda that he lied about the whole thing. And she FORGIVES HIM! The SOB cheated the government out of millions of dollars, and lied to her for her entire life, and she has no problems with this?

I want these characters to fucking die. Just die. Painfully and horrifically. Just cease to exist.

They get caught by an alien for a second, but manage to escape into a movie theater. The monster (who a minute ago was bigger than the building), busts through the movie screen. But a burst of salt from Guto's salt shaker, shrinks it down and makes it harmless. With more monsters on the attack, Amanda wants them to go out and fight. But again, Dr. Crumb complains that it's too dangerous, despite them knowing how to stop the monsters. But despite his advice to stay home, Amanda leaves instead with Guto to put a stop to the monsters. They quickly dispose of the monsters with salted peanuts. So they've saved the world, and the movie can finally....


DAMMIT!

Three aliens capture Amanda and Guto with their laser. They introduce themselves as the Green and Friendly (despite being beige) E.T's. The monsters were their pets that fell out of their space ship. They let the kids go, but are still missing one monster, who at that exact time is in an ice cream shop. It scares off the customers, and fills itself with Ice Cream until it grows. The kids and the not green E.T's are unable to stop it, until Dr. Crumb comes and saves the day, blasting it with a giant salt bomb. The aliens leave, and Crumb and company become the Monster Chasers.

What a monstrous piece of garbage! Possibly even worse than the sequel. From horrible characters, awful CGI, and coming in at a short but painful 45 minutes, this is an animated abomination. I hope that we never have to see these pricks ever again. Thankfully we can move on from Video Brinquedo for a while, and deal with anything that doesn't have that douchebag Dr. Crumb in it.

What's Up: Balloon to the Rescue

It blows more than just hot air

Video Brinquedo: 2009

To most people, it seems originality is overrated. Why come up with something with a shred of creativity and brilliance, when you can make a half assed knockoff? Or in the case of a Brazilian company known as Video Brinquedo (Or Toyland Video as it is also referred to as), take an idea from a far superior film and half ass it with a terrible plot, and CGI that wouldn't even pass up for early Playstation 1 cutscenes. For several years now, Video Brinquedo has been considered "The Asylum" of animated films, and for those aware of The Asylum and their alarming list of piss poor direct to DVD ripoffs, then you know that being compared to the Asylum isn't exactly a term of endearment.

Video Brinquedo's library has brought us many classics like


Ratatoing


The Little Panda Fighter


And even more currently, The Frog Prince.

So, it would come to no surprise that they would tamper with one of Pixar's best, Up. For everything that Up provides, an engaging story, lovable characters, a fun adventure, and perhaps some of the most touching and depressing moments ever not just in animation but in film period, Video Brinquedo's knockoff provides none of. Instead we get a boring plot, insipid characters, and awful stereotypes. Not to mention a really dumb title. It's known as What's Up.


"What's Up?"

That'll be enough of that Mr. Truth...

It's known as What's Up: Balloon to the Rescue. A slightly nonsensical title, yet is already telling of the crap we're about to endure. But there's only one way to see how terrible this film is, and that's to actually sit down and go through it. So, let's escape into the wild blue yonder of mediocrity. Let's review this thing.



We start with with the worst exposition perhaps ever. In a really quick and poorly thrown together montage, we meet our heroes, the "Monster Chasers" (who starred in another Video Brinquedo knockoff "Little and Big Monsters"), lead by Dr. Crumb. While the TV plays, a child appears to be dry humping a couch.


No, seriously, what is he doing?

The rest of his team consists of his science horny niece Amanda, her couch humping brother Guto, and Dr. Zooks. Crumb and Zooks, outside of just chasing monsters, are scientists, who are trying to make contact with other planets. Their plan? To use a powerful jet engine to lift their house into outer space. So, instead of a rocket ship, or some sort of reliable craft, they go with a house that is far more fragile, and would more than likely burn to a crisp in the earth's atmosphere? I think they should probably just stick to chasing monsters. Also, for some stupid reason, they have a rock that can hypnotize the entire world with the use of the secret password, lavender. a password Dr. Crumb says OUT LOUD TWICE TO THE ENTIRE WORLD DURING A NEWS INTERVIEW? For a world's greatest scientist and monster chaser, this guy's not exactly a sharp cookie. And this continues to be proven, when he lets the reporter mess with the jet control button, sending the house, and his nephew and niece flying into orbit. He sends the house crashing back into the ground, yet the damn thing remains intact.

Later that day, the monster chasers meet a French stereotype named Jean Pierre Delacroix, a great adventurer who like all French people despises tea, and prefers wine. He needs the monster chasers to go to the amazon to chase a monster in a cave. But wouldn't it be safer that the Monster's in the cave, I mean, out in the open... aw, screw it. Why the hell am I trying to make sense out of this movie? Dr. Crumb tells him that they only work locally, pretty much telling the dude to piss off. But Jean Pierre reminds the chasers of the fact that they have a flying house, while trying to hit on Amanda, and talking about his evil plan to hypnotize everybody out loud. I'm still dumbfounded that there's a hypno rock to begin with. Not too long later, the monster chasers, adorned in their Ghostbuster-esque attire, enter the cave Jean Pierre talked about, only to soon find out...





The monster turns out to be a stereo and a lamp, but the chasers end up trapped when Jean Pierre blows up the cave with his cartoony TNT plunger. He takes the hypno rock, and says the "not secret at all" word. But since he's French, it doesn't work. While trying to pronounce lavender correctly, all of a sudden a hot air balloon crashes into a tree. Despite his accent, Jean Pierre still manages to hypnotize the man in the balloon. He gloats about his new powers of hypnosis, until he accidentally drops the rock, causing it to explode and create a portal releasing three monsters.

What?

The three monsters escape, not before one is captured by the chasers (Who's escape from the tunnel is never explained). Jean Pierre gives them BS about how the hypno rock was destroyed, and Amanda, being a moron, believes him. With the rock destroyed, they can't escape the Amazon. Until Dr. Crumb decides to steal the hypnotized man's balloon, which can somehow lift their laboratory thousand's of feet into the air. I know in Up, it was a bit far fetched that thousands of little balloons could lift Carl's house...


But this is just silly.



It's also nice to see Dr. Zooks and Guto just standing on the front step without fear of falling to their deaths. Amanda, still convinced Jean Pierre is good, asks him about Paris. To which he responds that Paris is everything. And the moron just buys it. Also at that exact time, Paris is being attacked by one of the monsters. And how did Dr. Crumb learn of this? By using Google.

GOD FORSAKING GOOGLE!


I'm starting to doubt that this guy's a damn scientist.

They also tell Jean Pierre that the rock will once again re-energize, and hand it to him. It's like these assholes are asking to be killed. Everyone trusts Jean Pierre except for Frenchaphobe Dr. Crumb. They finally get to Paris, as the one eyed monster is straddling the tower (That sounds more dirty than it intended to be). The chasers go to fight it, while leaving Jean Pierre to watch over Amanda and Guto. So, despite having doubts about Jean Pierre, he leaves him to watch over his niece and nephew, and already knowing that he's got the hots for Amanda, seems to have no problem at all with leaving her prone to his advances.


What a prick.

And what a surprise, Jean Pierre begins to turn Amanda against her uncle. After the second monster is captured (Something we never see by the way) she drugs Crumb and Zooks' tea, as she and Jean Pierre go after the third monster in China. The third monster is doing what you would expect it to do...


Play hopscotch on the great wall of China. lovely.

Jean Pierre finally slips up by being like all Frenchmen, a coward. And Amanda, after a half hour of being a moron, finally begins to clue in on his evil. And while they have their spat, we get some more fine racism, as a Chinese man named Ching Ling has trouble with his camera. Dr. Crumb awakens from his slumber and throws an anvil with balloons tied to it at Amanda. Amanda, Jean Pierre, and Ching Ling fly away... very, very slowly. While that's happening, Guto, dressed as a giant cookie, distracts the monster as they capture it. And in the middle of this, they have Ching Ling trapped with the monsters. So, they won't let the Chinese man in their house, yet have no problem with the French asshole?


Why can't this damn thing just end already?

And here's a good old fashioned bit of racist dialogue.

Guto: I don't want that Chinese guy in there with my monsters. He didn't even say anything when i showed him the cookie.
Dr. Crumb: Did you try showing him a fortune cookie? That would work.

And then Guto taunts the monsters and Ching Ling with candy. Wonderful.

Amanda fesses up to drugging her uncle, and the monster chasers rally up to face Jean Pierre, who now has a fully charged hypno rock. He hypnotizes the chasers, All but Guto, who's wearing sunglasses. When Jean Pierre tries to make him blow kisses, Guto craps himself instead. Guto causes Jean Pierre to drop the rock again, opening the portal. He also frees the others from their spell. They trap Jean Pierre and the monsters, and send the four of them into the portal. Later they all laugh about it, and Dr. Crumb feels angered that Ching Ling is still around.

You wanna know what's up? This movie is god awful. Pathetic CGI, horrible characters, a lame plot, and some racism peppered in for the helluvit. Not to mention, most of the voice actors (All of which are never credited) are 4kids regulars (Guto is voiced by the same actress as Monkey D. Luffy, Erica Shroeder). Video Brinquedo is easily the worst company out there today, and if this was any indication, we definitely have some crap to dig through, and unfortunately, we'll be seeing these asshat monster chasers again.

And sadly...



THAT'S What's Up!

The Jungle Book 2

The Bare Necessities of Crap

Disney 2003

If you've been a follower of this blog for a while now, it's obvious that cheapquels and I do not go well with one another. And when it comes to the worst offenders in the cheapquel market, Disney is the grand poobah. From milking off franchises that were still new at the time like Mulan, or Lilo and Stitch, to milking the dry teat of the classics of yesteryear like Cinderella, or Bambi, For over a decade, Disney took happily ever after, and made it pointless. But at least most of these were only on video, and not given theatrical releases.

At least, most of them didn't.

In 2002, Disney decided that it was time to take the cheapquels to the big screen. In 2002 and 2003, Return to Neverland, and The Jungle Book 2 were released, and like most things littered with Disney nostalgia, they both did considerably well in the box office. But the fact remains, they're still cheapquels. Animated on a cheaper budget, still littered with awful songs, and still feel extremely unnecessary. Case in point to the sequel to the last movie Walt was involved with before his death, The Jungle Book 2. You ever wondered what happened with our mancub lad Mowgli when he started living in the man village? Ever want to know more about the girl he met at the end of the 1st movie? Or what's up with Bagheera and Baloo?

Yeah, me neither. But since we're here, let's review this thing.



We start our film with a recap through shadow puppets, as our protagonist Mowgli (played by former beloved child star Haley Joel Osmont), tells us all about the stuff that happened in the much better movie to his new family, that is until Ranjin, AKA the much needed annoying little brother, gets too excited and rips the screen down. Even though he wrecked the puppet show, he still knows how the story ends, which is of course with him getting the hots for the love interest of both movies Shanti. when it's time to leave, Mowgli cockily tells Shanti to watch out for Shere Khan, to which she replies that tigers never attack villages. Ah, foreshadowing not even 5 minutes into the film. It's a cheapquel alright. It also appears Mowgli still isn't used to having a family, as he still calls his adoptive father "sir". And it also appears that Ranjin seems more like he was raised by animals than Mowgli was. The next day, Miwgli and Ranjin decide to scare Shanti by pretending Ranjin's a tiger. And the sad thing is, she falls for it. From there we get our first song of the movie "Jungle Rhythm". Which would be a good song... If Haley wasn't singing it.

You were a good actor kid, just leave the singing to someone who's good at it.



I said "good at it"!



Mowgli begins to lead the children out of town, like some sort of mancub pied piper, until his father puts the stops to that. Mowgli gets grounded, and his father shows off some scars he got. So with our young hero confined to his room, it's time to check up on our old pal Baloo, voiced by John Goodman, who's still singing What else? Bare Necessities. But despite his jazzy tune, he's depressed that "lil' britches" is no longer with him, and that his coconut head is no good replacement. He goes off to see how Mowgli's doing, with Bagheera following him to make sure he doesn't cause any trouble. And we get some symbolic coconut head crushing from our favorite evil tiger Shere Khan. Since saying no didn't work, Bagheera calls for Colonel Hahti and the elephants to keep our bear pal from going to the village. However, they prove their uselessness as Baloo easily escapes, with Shere Kahn following. Remember the 4 Beatle buzzards? Well, they have a 5th member now, affectionately named Lucky who's an annoying prick, who's constant insulting of Khan is obviously gonna lead to his eventual death. At least, I hope it does.



Baloo and Mowgli reunite. But before they can burst into song, Shanti interrupts by waking the village when she sees a bear with Mowgli. And hey look, Shere Khan's attacking the village. Good to see the foreshadowing paying off. Since Shanti and Ranjin are the only two less concerned about a tiger attacking the village, they go off to the jungle to find Mowgli. Finally free from the village, Mowgli and Baloo talk for a bit, and sing, what else? Bare Necessities. You know, I love the song, but this is a sequel. It doesn't really say much if you can't come up with new songs, and have to leech off the classics. Plus, again, Haley Joel should not sing ever. Hell, It's bad enough I had to deal with that his bad singing in Kingdom Hearts 2. And while this is happening, Kaa the snake (voiced by Our old pal Jim Cummings) is constantly being pummeled, and utters easily the best line of the movie.



"I so despise the song and dance routine."



But it doesn't take our evil Winnie the Pooh voiced viper to find another target, this time being Shanti. But Ranjin comes to her aid. After getting his ass kicked by a toddler, Kaa then gets interrogated by Shere Khan, Who I forgot to mention is voiced by the late Tony Jay AKA, the coolest villain voice ever. Including my personal fave..


Good old Megabyte.



The next day, the entire jungle is in an uproar because Man has entered the forest... I mean, Jungle. Bagheera realizes what Baloo did, and goes to see if Mowgli's with him, but the two BS him into leaving. However, when the duo learn that Shanti's approaching, Mowgli has Baloo try to scare her. Meanwhile Khan learns that Kaa sent him the wrong way. But what's worse is that Lucky and the buzzards are still following him. Lucky continues to tempt the fate of the already angry tiger. And Shere Khan does what we were all hoping he would, kill the annoying douche. And since this movie needs to rehash everything, Baloo and Mowgli head to see King Louie's monkeys. Time for another song from Baloo. I can stand Goodman singing. At least it seems like he's trying. Though the only good part of this whole number is the not necessary Timon and Pumbaa background cameo. After the song, Mowgli begins to realise that he misses the village, when he finally meets up with Shanti and Ranjin. Baloo tries to scare her, and fails miserably. Also, while I'm asking, how can Shanti understand Baloo? I mean, Mowgli, i can undestand. Being raised by wolves, and his life in the jungle. But since this is Shanti's first time even in... ah, screw it. Like I'm gonna get logic from a Disney cartoon.



And of course she gets pissed about his plan to scare her. But in her running from Mowgli, she leads herself and Ranjin right to Shere Khan. Mowgli tries to lead the tiger to King Louie's temple/volcano (Where the heck is King Louie at anyways) . The rest of the gang follow, along with Bagheera, as we get the final face off between mancub and tiger....

Which boils down to Shanti, Mowgli, and Baloo banging gongs and annoying Shere Khan. But when Shanti's gong breaks, our mancub hero comes to her aid by having Khan chase him, leading to Baloo channeling his inner Monty Brown and pulling off the POUNCE!


PERIOD!



The kids end up on the top of the volcano, as Khan persues them, the three fall in, but fortunately for them Baloo rescues the two, but Shere Khan gets trapped inside the volcano, as Lucky (who for some reason survived their last encounter), heckles the tiger for all eternity. The village finally finds the kids, and Baloo finally lets Mowgli stay in the village. But in the end he still goes and visits our bear pal every day, and sing WHAT ELSE??? BARE FREAKIN' NECESSITIES! Movie over.

And that's Jungle Book 2. Why this got a theatrical release is beyond me. Dull plot, no really good new songs, and they've officially whored a beloved Disney song to death. What a shame. But at least the animation was decent. Even for a cheapquel.

Also, where was King Louie? He was my favorite character in the original, and he's nowhere to be seen. With all the whoring of Bare Necessities, they could've at least reprised "I wanna be like you" some. And no, that piece of crap Smash Mouth version does not count. Oobie Doo, that version stinks like poo.

Captain N: The Game Master

Now you're playing with sour

Dic: 1989



I love this machine. Sure, it may be a quarter century old, and can be a pill to get to work sometimes, but for everything it's done for the gaming industry, not to mention the ginormous stock of quality titles that dwell within it's library, it's more than deserving of the love and admiration it gets.

In the 80's the NES was untouchable. It was the must have toy of the decade, and dominated all comers. And like all successful things, of course it had merchandise up the wazoo. Toys, candy, clothing, shampoo, all adorning the company mascots, Mario, Luigi, and even Link. The three of which would get their own cartoons as well, bundled in the legendary Super Mario Bros Super Show. But that wasn't enough for Nintendo. There was still a vast world of games to turn into toons, and a company willing to half ass them in any way possible. And with that we saw the infamous Captain N the Game Master. A cartoon that gets some things right about the games we love.... and then gets so much more horribly wrong.

But maybe I'm overreacting a bit. Rarely ever does an adaptation of anything ever come out perfect. What could possibly be so bad about Captain N that it's brought itself into Tooncrap territory?

Well, whip out your NES (your parents help you hook it up), blow into that cartridge, and press power. Let's review this thing.



This is Videoland. Quiet. Peaceful. Serene.



That is, until Mother Brain shows up.

She and her evil crew try to take over the Palace of Power, but are foiled each and every week by Captain N. Now, by name alone, you'd think he'd be some kinda bad ass warrior. Possessing the skills of all the greatest video game heroes. The jumping prowess of Mario. the swordsmanship of Link. The bubble spitting prowess of Bub and Bob. The... ability to grab vegetables really quickly of toad? Well, if you were expecting that, think again.


If you were expecting some dorky kid and his little dog too, well, you win the prize. Let's see, I gave away the coloring calendar...


You can have this decade plus old bottle of Orbitz. I would not recommend ingesting it.




Meet Kevin Keene, your typical 80's nintendo nerd/chosen one. While playing punch out in his totally rad 80's bedroom, he and his dog Duke get zapped into the TV and into the magical land of Video Land, to be the destined protector to put an end to Mother Brain. Equipped with realistic zapper, and deus ex machina controller belt. But our hero and his pooch are not alone in this quest/product shill. Luckily he has some good friends to help him out.


I wish...

No, the heroes of Nintendo circa 1989. Like Mega Man.




Poor Rock. It's bad enough the people at Capcom couldn't draw you right for the freaking cover art to your first several games, but on Captain N you look and sound like a green midget with a raspy chain smoker's voice.

But At least they couldn't ruin Pit from Kid Icarus?



Well, I guess they couldicus very muchicus. While yes, it is petty to complain that he's no longer referred to as Pit, but as the title of the video game he was in, but there's no denying how crappy he is. He's an annoying little runt who always ends sentences by throwing "icus" or "maximus" at the end.

Hey, they got two wrong, but there's no way they could ruin Castlevania's bad ass hero Simon BelOH WHO AM I KIDDING?


WHAT THE **** DID THEY DO TO SIMON BELMONT????

Well, I like to call it "Antoine syndrome". Usually in shows that have these types of rebellions facing off against an evil tyrant, there's usually the one blonde egotist who is always trying to win the heart of the princess in peril, only to fail because A. the main character is 100 times cooler than he is, B. He's arrogant douche, and C. He's a pussy. And Simon Belmont has these traits in spades. He treats Kevin like total garbage, even when he's saved by Kevin, he's always trying to feel up the princess, and is just a freaking douchebag. I guess to summarize, I hate your guts Mr. Belmont, and hope you get slain by a bone dragon.

And of course there's the Prince..he.he....



Hotchi Motchi! Uh, I mean, this is Princess Lana. Since Zelda and Peach weren't available, and everyone was still treating Daisy like a red headed stepchild, she's our royal love interest for Kevin, as well as Simon, despite Lana disliking him, like we all do. Her father King Charles was banished into the mirror by mother brain and now she and her friends have to put a stop to...

Wait a second. King Trapped in the Mirror/Void? Princess left in charge? Antoine Syndrome?



Well I'll be damned! A good chunk of the premise of Satam's main plot is ripped off from Captain N! Oh well, at least they got it right that time.

So, we've met all of the heroes of this series...


"I AM CALLED GAME BOY! I AM PROGRAMMED TO PLAY GAMES!"

We'll talk about you later.

Now that we met our more important heroes, Let's talk about the main villains.




Leading our devious group is Mother Brain, who besides being hit with one hell of an Ugly stick, is for some odd reason sounds like Little Richard. Though sadly she never randomly sings "Good Golly Miss Molly" in the middle of an evil speech. Her bumbling henchmen are the Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo. And like most bumblng henchmen, they always fail, yet are astoundingly still employed by Mother Brain. I guess that giant lobe is just for show. Dr. Wily and Dracula also aid her from time to time, and while more competent than those two morons, still fail at the end.

Well, with all of that already established let's get to the...


"I AM CALLED GAME BOY! I AM PROGRAMMED TO PLAY GAMES!"

You hold on. We'll talk about you soon enough.

Let's review this thing.

We'll review a couple of episodes, as well as look at some more less than desireable character designs. So let's start it off with the pilot ep "Kevin in Videoland".



We start our episode with Mother Brain's army (singing the "Winkie Chant" song from Wizard of Oz) laying siege to the Palace of Power. It's been 7 years since Mother Brain has begun her assault on the palace, and yet she still hasn't taken over completely? Her massive army's been held back by a midget an angel, a pompous asshat, and the princess who leads them? No wonder Captain N can kick her minions' asses. Lana is ready to give up, when all of a sudden, a glowing power glove begins to speak. It tells of a young warrior who will warp to Videoland and save them. So, it's been 7 years, and NOW you feel like telling them this? It opens up the ultimate warp zone, and we see live action Kevin and Duke getting warped into Videoland. And like every character being warped into another world, he has zero problem with the fact that he is now talking to his beloved video game stars, or that Simon Belmont is suddenly a total douche. When Lana tells him of the destiny that awaits, he decides to go home, but the portal vanishes, causing him to smack into the wall. Lana begins to cry, either from the fact that the foretold hero is a geeky teenager, or the fact that Belmont won't stop trying to hug her.


Seriously Take a ****ing hint.

Back on Metroid, Mother Brain sends Hippo and Eggplant to kidnap Lana. The two easily enter the castle, and dispose of Belmont. Sadly, not by killing him, but throwing him in a bag. Kevin bitches about wanting to go home, and goes to see Lana, who's a little too busy being kidnapped. Kevin tries to save her, but is beaten by Eggplant Wizard, who puts him in a giant banana. Kevin tries to rally Mega Man and Icarus, when Simon shows up, and takes control. And his first order of business, have the two shine his shoes and do his hair. The three argue, when Kevin presses the pause button and freezes time. Now, you know if he just did that, he could've killed Mother Brain, and this series could've been 33 episodes shorter. Belmont tells them of a warp to Metroid, to which Kevin disagrees saying he's played this game before, and knows of another warp to Metroid. I never knew Palace of Power was an NES game. Simon cheats a coin toss, and they go his way.. which leads them to Kongoland, and a bathing Donkey Kong


Well, at least it isn't a giant bathing Lou Albano.

After a battle with DK, the group jump in a Volcano/Warp zone and are on Metroid. Kevin rescues Lana, only for the two of them (And Duke) to end up in the caves of Metroid. After a chase sequence/platform jumping sequence, They finally encounter Mother Brain, and Kevin's ready to shoot her and get this series finished with. Except that he's conveniently out of power. Simon and the gang show up, and they make quick work of her henchmen. But decide not to finish Mother Brain off. Back at the Palace, Kevin decides not to warp back home when he learns that his mother wants him to do chores. So, our hero stays to protect Videoland for the next 33 episodes. The end.

Now that we've seen the pilot, let's take a look at a few character designs that we'd see in several episodes. The series would continue for 3 seasons, and 34 episodes. Since this show is essentially a 20 minute Nintendo ad, among the majority of those episodes, we'd see plenty of characters from other NES games.



Some were kinda right like Bayou Billy.




Some were just poorly done, yet still sorta looked right like Dr. Light (or Right as he's called here). And then there's how they handled the Robot Masters from Mega Man 1 and 2. the first incident is during a two parter involving the Videolympics whe..he..he....


HOT FREAKING DAMN!

Where was i? Oh yeah, the main plot has to do with a bogus Olympics, and three treasures. Among the adventure, they end up in Megaland, where they face off with the original 6 robot Masters.


Iceman, who looks halfway decent


Fireman, who's almost right.


Gutsman, again, not perfect, but will do.


Bombman, who except for looking kinda froggy, is almost right.

But that's where the quality designs take a turn for the worst.


Elecman looks like a weird cross between the Noid and Megavolt. But as bad as he is...



Cutman's a million times worse. Instead of the blades on the head, he literally has a pair of scissors that fly off his head. I know there really wasn't that much study done from the people at Dic, but there is no reason to go from this



To the abomination right above it. And if you though these ones were bad..





The ones from Mega Man 2 are a million times worse. Woodman looks like he was poorly made. If he didn't have the blade on his head, I'd have never known that was Metal Man. Bubble man looks like a rotund water cooler. Airman's white, has his blade on his hand, and is perhaps the dumbest looking of the bunch. Crashman looks like an Ape, and Quickman looks like an insect.


And Heatman. Poor, poor Heatman.

Now that we got that out of the way, let's look at one more full episode. The one with our annoying pal, Game Boy. After a successful season, the guys running the show figured there needed to be a way to shill Nintendo's hottest new item, the Game Boy. Sadly, instead of just making it another of Kevin's weapons, some moron decided "what if we made Game Boy a character?" I hope that person never worked on another cartoon again, because Game Boy is the most annoying, douchey, and just plain awful character this show saw. I hate him even more so than Simon friggin' Belmont. and that's saying something.

So, let's review the aptly named episode, "Game Boy".



We start our episode with our heroes trying to save King Charles from the mirror he's trapped in. But the king shows up via message screen saying that only one traveler may escape the mirror. He decides that it should be someone who can be a more useful asset in the war against Mother Brain..


This prick.

So, instead of returning to his waiting daughter, reclaiming his throne, and putting a stop to Mother Brain, he sends a talking pain in the ass hunk of plastic? He also goes about says he believes Game Boy will be the greatest hero of them all, and that he's been like a son to him. He says that in front of his daughter of all people.

I need to apologize to Prudence from Cinderella 2. King Charles is truly Ye Royal Douche!

After a battle with Hippo and Eggplant, the crew turn on Game Boy. The crew are glad to have their new friend in their midst. Lana shows him to his room, to which the little prick begins to break all of his toys intentionally. He then chases after Kid Icarus in a combat jet, shooting at his assicus. And follows that up, by destroying the appliances in the kitchen, which was a trap to lead Kevin, Simon, and Mega Man into the world of Burgertime. They give chase to the little miscreant, only to have him attack them at every turn. Eventually, they put a stop to him, and shut him off, and we never have to see this "greatest hero of them all" ever again. Well, at least until Mother Brain and crew kidnap him, and Wily reprograms him. I really see no point in reprogramming him, since he's done a fine job of being an evil jerk already.




Wily turns our unloved Game Boy into Game Brain, as the others come to rescue him. The crew split up to find him, only to end up battling other monsters instead. It ends up being Kevin's dog Duke who rescues Game Boy, as the little menace finally does something useful, and sends Mother Brain for a spin. Yet again, they choose not to finish her off. But I guess it would've been a pretty short season if that were the case. Back at the palace, despite all of the havoc he's caused, the N team makes Game Boy a permanent member of the group. the end.

And that's Captain N the Game Master. Terrible cartoon. Awful character designs, stupid plots, and some of the worst characters in cartoon history. Belmont and Game Boy are two of the most unlikeable characters to ever grace a Saturday morning toon. This attempt at a glorified Nintendo commercial certainly doesn't entice me to want to buy any Nintendo merchandise, but instead to shatter my NES into a million little 8 bit pieces. But I guess if there's one saving grace.....


at least there's some good eye candy.