Captain N: The Game Master

Now you're playing with sour

Dic: 1989



I love this machine. Sure, it may be a quarter century old, and can be a pill to get to work sometimes, but for everything it's done for the gaming industry, not to mention the ginormous stock of quality titles that dwell within it's library, it's more than deserving of the love and admiration it gets.

In the 80's the NES was untouchable. It was the must have toy of the decade, and dominated all comers. And like all successful things, of course it had merchandise up the wazoo. Toys, candy, clothing, shampoo, all adorning the company mascots, Mario, Luigi, and even Link. The three of which would get their own cartoons as well, bundled in the legendary Super Mario Bros Super Show. But that wasn't enough for Nintendo. There was still a vast world of games to turn into toons, and a company willing to half ass them in any way possible. And with that we saw the infamous Captain N the Game Master. A cartoon that gets some things right about the games we love.... and then gets so much more horribly wrong.

But maybe I'm overreacting a bit. Rarely ever does an adaptation of anything ever come out perfect. What could possibly be so bad about Captain N that it's brought itself into Tooncrap territory?

Well, whip out your NES (your parents help you hook it up), blow into that cartridge, and press power. Let's review this thing.



This is Videoland. Quiet. Peaceful. Serene.



That is, until Mother Brain shows up.

She and her evil crew try to take over the Palace of Power, but are foiled each and every week by Captain N. Now, by name alone, you'd think he'd be some kinda bad ass warrior. Possessing the skills of all the greatest video game heroes. The jumping prowess of Mario. the swordsmanship of Link. The bubble spitting prowess of Bub and Bob. The... ability to grab vegetables really quickly of toad? Well, if you were expecting that, think again.


If you were expecting some dorky kid and his little dog too, well, you win the prize. Let's see, I gave away the coloring calendar...


You can have this decade plus old bottle of Orbitz. I would not recommend ingesting it.




Meet Kevin Keene, your typical 80's nintendo nerd/chosen one. While playing punch out in his totally rad 80's bedroom, he and his dog Duke get zapped into the TV and into the magical land of Video Land, to be the destined protector to put an end to Mother Brain. Equipped with realistic zapper, and deus ex machina controller belt. But our hero and his pooch are not alone in this quest/product shill. Luckily he has some good friends to help him out.


I wish...

No, the heroes of Nintendo circa 1989. Like Mega Man.




Poor Rock. It's bad enough the people at Capcom couldn't draw you right for the freaking cover art to your first several games, but on Captain N you look and sound like a green midget with a raspy chain smoker's voice.

But At least they couldn't ruin Pit from Kid Icarus?



Well, I guess they couldicus very muchicus. While yes, it is petty to complain that he's no longer referred to as Pit, but as the title of the video game he was in, but there's no denying how crappy he is. He's an annoying little runt who always ends sentences by throwing "icus" or "maximus" at the end.

Hey, they got two wrong, but there's no way they could ruin Castlevania's bad ass hero Simon BelOH WHO AM I KIDDING?


WHAT THE **** DID THEY DO TO SIMON BELMONT????

Well, I like to call it "Antoine syndrome". Usually in shows that have these types of rebellions facing off against an evil tyrant, there's usually the one blonde egotist who is always trying to win the heart of the princess in peril, only to fail because A. the main character is 100 times cooler than he is, B. He's arrogant douche, and C. He's a pussy. And Simon Belmont has these traits in spades. He treats Kevin like total garbage, even when he's saved by Kevin, he's always trying to feel up the princess, and is just a freaking douchebag. I guess to summarize, I hate your guts Mr. Belmont, and hope you get slain by a bone dragon.

And of course there's the Prince..he.he....



Hotchi Motchi! Uh, I mean, this is Princess Lana. Since Zelda and Peach weren't available, and everyone was still treating Daisy like a red headed stepchild, she's our royal love interest for Kevin, as well as Simon, despite Lana disliking him, like we all do. Her father King Charles was banished into the mirror by mother brain and now she and her friends have to put a stop to...

Wait a second. King Trapped in the Mirror/Void? Princess left in charge? Antoine Syndrome?



Well I'll be damned! A good chunk of the premise of Satam's main plot is ripped off from Captain N! Oh well, at least they got it right that time.

So, we've met all of the heroes of this series...


"I AM CALLED GAME BOY! I AM PROGRAMMED TO PLAY GAMES!"

We'll talk about you later.

Now that we met our more important heroes, Let's talk about the main villains.




Leading our devious group is Mother Brain, who besides being hit with one hell of an Ugly stick, is for some odd reason sounds like Little Richard. Though sadly she never randomly sings "Good Golly Miss Molly" in the middle of an evil speech. Her bumbling henchmen are the Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo. And like most bumblng henchmen, they always fail, yet are astoundingly still employed by Mother Brain. I guess that giant lobe is just for show. Dr. Wily and Dracula also aid her from time to time, and while more competent than those two morons, still fail at the end.

Well, with all of that already established let's get to the...


"I AM CALLED GAME BOY! I AM PROGRAMMED TO PLAY GAMES!"

You hold on. We'll talk about you soon enough.

Let's review this thing.

We'll review a couple of episodes, as well as look at some more less than desireable character designs. So let's start it off with the pilot ep "Kevin in Videoland".



We start our episode with Mother Brain's army (singing the "Winkie Chant" song from Wizard of Oz) laying siege to the Palace of Power. It's been 7 years since Mother Brain has begun her assault on the palace, and yet she still hasn't taken over completely? Her massive army's been held back by a midget an angel, a pompous asshat, and the princess who leads them? No wonder Captain N can kick her minions' asses. Lana is ready to give up, when all of a sudden, a glowing power glove begins to speak. It tells of a young warrior who will warp to Videoland and save them. So, it's been 7 years, and NOW you feel like telling them this? It opens up the ultimate warp zone, and we see live action Kevin and Duke getting warped into Videoland. And like every character being warped into another world, he has zero problem with the fact that he is now talking to his beloved video game stars, or that Simon Belmont is suddenly a total douche. When Lana tells him of the destiny that awaits, he decides to go home, but the portal vanishes, causing him to smack into the wall. Lana begins to cry, either from the fact that the foretold hero is a geeky teenager, or the fact that Belmont won't stop trying to hug her.


Seriously Take a ****ing hint.

Back on Metroid, Mother Brain sends Hippo and Eggplant to kidnap Lana. The two easily enter the castle, and dispose of Belmont. Sadly, not by killing him, but throwing him in a bag. Kevin bitches about wanting to go home, and goes to see Lana, who's a little too busy being kidnapped. Kevin tries to save her, but is beaten by Eggplant Wizard, who puts him in a giant banana. Kevin tries to rally Mega Man and Icarus, when Simon shows up, and takes control. And his first order of business, have the two shine his shoes and do his hair. The three argue, when Kevin presses the pause button and freezes time. Now, you know if he just did that, he could've killed Mother Brain, and this series could've been 33 episodes shorter. Belmont tells them of a warp to Metroid, to which Kevin disagrees saying he's played this game before, and knows of another warp to Metroid. I never knew Palace of Power was an NES game. Simon cheats a coin toss, and they go his way.. which leads them to Kongoland, and a bathing Donkey Kong


Well, at least it isn't a giant bathing Lou Albano.

After a battle with DK, the group jump in a Volcano/Warp zone and are on Metroid. Kevin rescues Lana, only for the two of them (And Duke) to end up in the caves of Metroid. After a chase sequence/platform jumping sequence, They finally encounter Mother Brain, and Kevin's ready to shoot her and get this series finished with. Except that he's conveniently out of power. Simon and the gang show up, and they make quick work of her henchmen. But decide not to finish Mother Brain off. Back at the Palace, Kevin decides not to warp back home when he learns that his mother wants him to do chores. So, our hero stays to protect Videoland for the next 33 episodes. The end.

Now that we've seen the pilot, let's take a look at a few character designs that we'd see in several episodes. The series would continue for 3 seasons, and 34 episodes. Since this show is essentially a 20 minute Nintendo ad, among the majority of those episodes, we'd see plenty of characters from other NES games.



Some were kinda right like Bayou Billy.




Some were just poorly done, yet still sorta looked right like Dr. Light (or Right as he's called here). And then there's how they handled the Robot Masters from Mega Man 1 and 2. the first incident is during a two parter involving the Videolympics whe..he..he....


HOT FREAKING DAMN!

Where was i? Oh yeah, the main plot has to do with a bogus Olympics, and three treasures. Among the adventure, they end up in Megaland, where they face off with the original 6 robot Masters.


Iceman, who looks halfway decent


Fireman, who's almost right.


Gutsman, again, not perfect, but will do.


Bombman, who except for looking kinda froggy, is almost right.

But that's where the quality designs take a turn for the worst.


Elecman looks like a weird cross between the Noid and Megavolt. But as bad as he is...



Cutman's a million times worse. Instead of the blades on the head, he literally has a pair of scissors that fly off his head. I know there really wasn't that much study done from the people at Dic, but there is no reason to go from this



To the abomination right above it. And if you though these ones were bad..





The ones from Mega Man 2 are a million times worse. Woodman looks like he was poorly made. If he didn't have the blade on his head, I'd have never known that was Metal Man. Bubble man looks like a rotund water cooler. Airman's white, has his blade on his hand, and is perhaps the dumbest looking of the bunch. Crashman looks like an Ape, and Quickman looks like an insect.


And Heatman. Poor, poor Heatman.

Now that we got that out of the way, let's look at one more full episode. The one with our annoying pal, Game Boy. After a successful season, the guys running the show figured there needed to be a way to shill Nintendo's hottest new item, the Game Boy. Sadly, instead of just making it another of Kevin's weapons, some moron decided "what if we made Game Boy a character?" I hope that person never worked on another cartoon again, because Game Boy is the most annoying, douchey, and just plain awful character this show saw. I hate him even more so than Simon friggin' Belmont. and that's saying something.

So, let's review the aptly named episode, "Game Boy".



We start our episode with our heroes trying to save King Charles from the mirror he's trapped in. But the king shows up via message screen saying that only one traveler may escape the mirror. He decides that it should be someone who can be a more useful asset in the war against Mother Brain..


This prick.

So, instead of returning to his waiting daughter, reclaiming his throne, and putting a stop to Mother Brain, he sends a talking pain in the ass hunk of plastic? He also goes about says he believes Game Boy will be the greatest hero of them all, and that he's been like a son to him. He says that in front of his daughter of all people.

I need to apologize to Prudence from Cinderella 2. King Charles is truly Ye Royal Douche!

After a battle with Hippo and Eggplant, the crew turn on Game Boy. The crew are glad to have their new friend in their midst. Lana shows him to his room, to which the little prick begins to break all of his toys intentionally. He then chases after Kid Icarus in a combat jet, shooting at his assicus. And follows that up, by destroying the appliances in the kitchen, which was a trap to lead Kevin, Simon, and Mega Man into the world of Burgertime. They give chase to the little miscreant, only to have him attack them at every turn. Eventually, they put a stop to him, and shut him off, and we never have to see this "greatest hero of them all" ever again. Well, at least until Mother Brain and crew kidnap him, and Wily reprograms him. I really see no point in reprogramming him, since he's done a fine job of being an evil jerk already.




Wily turns our unloved Game Boy into Game Brain, as the others come to rescue him. The crew split up to find him, only to end up battling other monsters instead. It ends up being Kevin's dog Duke who rescues Game Boy, as the little menace finally does something useful, and sends Mother Brain for a spin. Yet again, they choose not to finish her off. But I guess it would've been a pretty short season if that were the case. Back at the palace, despite all of the havoc he's caused, the N team makes Game Boy a permanent member of the group. the end.

And that's Captain N the Game Master. Terrible cartoon. Awful character designs, stupid plots, and some of the worst characters in cartoon history. Belmont and Game Boy are two of the most unlikeable characters to ever grace a Saturday morning toon. This attempt at a glorified Nintendo commercial certainly doesn't entice me to want to buy any Nintendo merchandise, but instead to shatter my NES into a million little 8 bit pieces. But I guess if there's one saving grace.....


at least there's some good eye candy.