Merry first few months of 2020, everyone! And with this, I bring you tidings of a long belated conclusion to one of the more interesting side series in Goosebumps history. As we have had quite the history with the Tales series. Shrinking aquariums, weird care bear antics, giant shells, pumpkin juice, and lots, and lots, and lots of stories where the outcome was "they were all monsters anyway". But like all good performers, can Jovial Bob Stine stick the landing? Find out as for the last time as we get More & More & More Tales to Give You Goosebumps.
COVER STORY
One last time we visit our pals Curly and Drool, and befitting the winter motif of this book, we have our heroes being EXTREME! Honestly, of the Curly covers, I'd say this one just comes up behind the second as on my top faves. I mean, you can't get too mad about a naked skeleton snowboarding in your general direction. Also, I really do love Tim's winter scenes. Feels really, for lack of a better term, warm and fuzzy, that it almost makes you forget about, again, the naked skeleton.
STORY #1: DON'T SIT ON THE GRONK!
I don't honestly think any Goosebumps story has ever felt so 90s, but the first few pages make that clear, as we open on our protagonist, Brad, not being able to work his Walkman right. Because as the story makes it clear, mainly through Brad's 15 year old sister Kelly, Brad doesn't follow instructions. It's Christmas morning and the family are opening presents. One present remains for Brad, which he opens up to find a Kooshball. However, this isn't just your ordinary Kooshball, this one is moving. Brad and the rest of the family are weirded by this, but Brad decides to keep the creature. Upon looking in its box, he sees a card that says that it's called a Gronk. He then proceeds to throw away the paper without looking at the instructions.
Brad takes the Gronk outside to throw around with his friend Roscoe. In the midst of tossing a living creature back and forth, Brad begins to notice that the Gronk feels a lot heavier than it was at first. It's getting bigger. And instead of, you know, being concerned with the growing creature, they just bounce it around like a basketball until it gets too heavy. Brad eventually has to roll the super heavy Gronk into his room. With it still growing, and being soft and comfy, Brad decides to sit on the Gronk, which just makes it grow faster. Kelly comes into his room and notices the giant monster. She also finds the piece of paper that Brad didn't read. The Gronk has three rules to take care of it: Don't take it outside, don't bounce on it, and don't sit on it, because it'll sit on you.
TWIST ENDING: And the story ends with a SPLAT! So, I guess Brad got crushed to death. Starting off with child murder I see. Bravo, Stine.
CONCLUSION: The first story of the book is an obvious take on Gremlins. Protagonist gets cute creature, has a set number of rules to follow, but the rules end up broken and chaos ensues. And while nowhere as good as Gremlins, this story is still fine enough for what it is. A parable about reading instructions and the dangers of not doing so. Making for a story that's strong enough as a 13 page tale, but not much in terms of a meatier book. It gets a B.
STORY #2: NUTCRACKER NIGHTMARE
Samantha's not very happy. Why? Because her old babysitter Mrs. Boren has offered Sam and her family tickets to The Nutcracker, and Sam is not a fan of the ballet. What's wrong with watching a bear in a little car? Sam's issues with Mrs. Boren are mainly because she never did anything fun with her, so Sam came up with the amazing moniker of Mrs. Boring. Sam runs into Mrs. Boren, and mentions that maybe this won't be so boring after all, to which Mrs. Boren tells her that soon Sam will know what boring really is. Sam and her family get their seats and watch as the performers warm up. It takes a while. So long that it feels like a lot longer than it should be.
As the performance goes on, Sam continues to notice that things feel really slow. Slower than even she would have expected from a ballet performance. However, she soon notices something else. Patches of gray hair on her mother. Panicked, Sam tries to run to the exit, but it feels like it never reaches her, so she returns to her seat.
TWIST ENDING: Sam then hears a ripping noise. She notices that her clothes have seemingly begun to shrink and are starting to tear apart. Whatever's affecting time is causing her to age and grow, now making her bigger than what was once a dress that was two sizes bigger than her. She notices the curtain fall and feels a bit of relief, until Mrs. Boren tells her that that just means that act one is done and act two will start real soon.
CONCLUSION: This one took a bit to build to anything, but when it did, it ended up being really good. I like its concept, how when you're bored it can feel like time moves slower. In the case of Samantha and the play, it felt like things were going so slow that time was moving at a rapid pace without her noticing. Leaving her trapped forever watching an endless performance, now in tattered clothing, until she eventually dies of old age. Makes for one of the creepier scenarios Goosebumps has ever given. Couldn't work as a full book, but this excelled as a story. Yeah, it starts slow, but in this case, patience is indeed a virtue. A-.
STORY #3: THE ICE VAMPIRE
Sam and Billy wake up the next day. Sam's parents are gone, but his sister Emily is outside breaking icicles. However, it doesn't take long for the ice vampire to return, now targeting Emily. They manage to free Emily, but Sam has an idea. He grabs an icicle and attempts to heart-stake the vampire. Doesn't work, obviously. He's an ICE VAMPIRE. As in a vampire made of ice, dummy. The kids get in the house, but the ice vampire freezes the kitchen window, breaking it, and allowing him to get inside. Sam's last desperate act is to give the ice vampire all the heat he wants, as in the heat of a hair dryer. He blasts the vampire with the dryer, melting it for good.
TWIST ENDING: But before they can breathe a sigh of relief, Sam's ice cobra breaks into the house, now wanting heat. Unfortunately for the kids, the dryer's batteries are dead. I... I mean, you could just crank up the AC, turn the oven on, get a lighter, just burn the house down...
CONCLUSION: The Ice Vampire's a strong one. It actually works in being a more intense horror story with a monster that seemingly can't be stopped... well, until it's stopped by the most obvious result. Of course, we don't know the motivation here, or how these ice sculptures even gain sentience. Also, the twist was one I could see coming the second the story put the words "Ice Cobra" on paper. But other than that, yeah. Actually, if given enough effort, it could work as a book. So, for that, A-.
STORY #4: A HOLLY JOLLY HOLIDAY
She smells something baking and heads downstairs, now seeing her mom and Jody watching the special. It was her mom that baked the cookies, which is odd because dad's the baker in the family. But if things didn't get odder, Beth then notices that her mom is sounding like Susie Snowflake. Even more jarring is that both her mom and Jody's hair is getting as red as Susie Snowflake's. Even the dog's fur is getting redder. Beth leaves again, but notices in the mirror that even her hair's getting red. Reader beware, you're in for a whole lotta gingers.
Beth gets her father from the garage to see what's going on, but not long after going into the living room, now he's watching the special and his hair is red. Everyone is starting to look exactly like Susie Snowflake. Beth as well. She begs for Jody to give her the tape, eventually having to speak in lines that Susie would say, but it ultimately works. Just before Beth goes full Susie, she sees the wrestling on the television, which snaps her out of the spell and allows her to throw the tape into the fireplace, destroying it.
TWIST ENDING: On Christmas Eve, Jody gives Beth a wrestling tape. The Krusher's Greatest Matches. She got it from the same video store, and just like Susie Snowflake, it was the last copy. I swear, if this was the weird origin story of Beth Phoenix, I'll be impressed.
CONCLUSION: I liked this one. Felt a bit similar in some ways to the Nutcracker one in that it involves a family watching a program (in this case a Christmas film) that casts a weird spell on them. In that one, it was time manipulation while this one was more a bizarre spell. Which does give off a rather freaky scenario. Even to the point that the protagonist herself almost ends up caught in the spell. Only real downside is another really weak twist, but it still worked. Not enough for a full book though. Three A-'s in a row. Let's see if we're gonna buck this trend any time soon.
STORY #5: WHY I HATE JACK FROST
However, Jared begins to feel really cold, too cold to even go outside. He goes to sleep and once again wakes up to see Jack Frost wanting to play some more. He leads Jared up to a large hill and places them on a sled that goes faster and faster downhill, freaking Jared out. He manages to wake up again just in time. He wakes up again, and is even colder. Next dream sees Jared making snow angels with Jack Frost, only for Jack to start to sink into the snow as if it were his grave. Waking up, and feeling much colder, Jared takes the ornament and throws it in the trash.
Jared falls asleep once more and now is trapped doing an endless snowball fight and building snow forts, all while feeling much colder. He begs to stop, but Jack Frost says that he'll allow it only if Jared puts the ornament on the tree. Jared does so without hesitation and the door of Jack's house opens. Jared goes inside and finally starts to feel warm. Too warm. He starts to boil.
TWIST ENDING: Jared wakes up, but is once again greeted by Jack Frost. Jack tells him that he must have had a bad dream, thinking that he lives in Arizona or something. Jared has always lived here in the ornament with him. Jack then drags Jared outside for another snowball fight.
CONCLUSION: So, we gotta add this up front. This is the second ghostwritten story from the Tales series, handled by Kathryn Lance, a Ghosts of Fear Street writer. So, to compare this one with Fun With Spelling from the last book, I feel this one is a bit weaker. It had a really strong set-up, and it flowed really well, but it kinda fell apart by the end. I think I get what the point of the twist was, but it didn't feel like a strong enough way to end this story. Though, it could have worked as a book if given time to build, as well as having a much stronger twist. The streak ends. Gotta give this one a B-.
STORY #6: MARSHMALLOW SURPRISE
Marsha Zane and her little brothers Ricky and Ronnie are having a sled race. It's pretty intense. So intense that the kids end up crashing into the garden of Mrs. Spooner, a creepy old lady in town. Marsha ends up careening head-first into Mrs. Spooner's mailbox. But her likely concussion is less concerning as knocking over Mrs. Spooner's mailbox. Because there's creepy stories about what Mrs. Spooner does to kids that bother her, like supposedly burying kids in her garden. However, when they confront Mrs. Spooner, she's actually in a really happy mood.
Not even concerned about the whole mailbox murder. She invites the kids inside for some hot cocoa. She has a special recipe for cocoa that she calls Marshmallow Surprise. The kids partake, but are confused at the lack of marshmallows to surprise, but Mrs. Spooner says that they'll see soon enough. She then confronts the three kids about their actions breaking her house and whatnot. She tells them that her marshmallow surprise will turn them to mush.
TWIST ENDING: And then they just turn into werewolves and kill her. THERE IT IS.
CONCLUSION:
D
STORY #7: MONSTER ON THE ICE
We open this story with Max being annoyed at his little sister Jessica. She always steals his clothes to put on Stinker, their pet German shepherd. Although he laughs off how annoying she is with his friends Mitch Bowen and Steve Bell, who play with him on their hockey team. Christmas arrives and Max opens one of his presents. A new pair of Ice Skates. On the box, the package reads "MONSTER SKATES. BE A MONSTER ON THE ICE!" He goes out to play hockey with Mitch and Steve. Sure enough, he's amazing at the game. However, he's also beginning to act more aggressive and, well, monstrous. Panicked, Max gets off the ice and notices his body begin to grow black fur, and his body now has giant claws. But he manages to get the skates off just in time, turning him back to normal.
TWIST ENDING: Later, Max once again finds Jessica in his closet. She put the skates on Stinker. Well, who didn't see that one coming?
CONCLUSION: It's a really, really weak, really truncated Haunted Mask. Not much you really can say about it other than that because it doesn't feel like it flows all that well. Not to mention they made the twist too obvious given how we start the story. I guess I can take solace that it didn't just end with Max remembering that he was already a monster or something. The definition of average. C.
STORY #8: THE DOUBLE-DIP HORROR
Wynona and Rachel are identical twins. Exactly alike in every way. They're at the Ice Cream Cone Ski Lodge with their family to teach ski lessons, on account of how amazing they are at it. While getting settled in the lodge, Wynona goes to get some ice from the ice machine, but gets pushed inside by some unknown force. She's saved by Rachel, but is a bit shaken. Before they go to sleep, Rachel comes up with the ultimate sitcom idea. Since they're twins and nobody has seen both of them, they can take turns doing the ski instructions class, while the other goes and has fun, switching later in the day. Wynona thinks it's a great plan and the two get some sleep.
Rachel takes the first class while Wynona enjoys the slopes. Later, when it's Wynona's turn, Rachel tells her to be careful of a boy named Bobby Judd (Wynonna Judd? Really) who seems to be a troublemaker. Wynona spots Bobby pretty quickly, who tends to be just as annoying as Rachel claimed. That night, Rachel and Wynona decide to give him a private lesson. The next day, Bobby agrees to the lesson, but only if it's done at the Double-Dip, which is a black diamond ski slope, the hardest slope of the resort.
Wynona takes Bobby up regardless and leads him into the woods, where the plan would see Rachel scare him by skiing above him. However, time passes. No sign of Bobby. No sign of Rachel. She finds Rachel at the far peak, remembering that the Double-Dip has two different peaks. Still no sign of Bobby however. Rachel suggests that Wynona goes down to the lodge to see if he went down already, while she stays up there.
TWIST ENDING: Wynona runs into Margo, one of the ski instructors and asks if she saw Bobby. Margo is at first confused because there's no Bobby in the class. But when Wynona says it's Bobby Judd, Margo gets concerned. She pulls out an old snapshot of Bobby from 1954. Bobby and his identical twin brother Ricky would go to the Double-Dip all the time. However, on his tenth birthday, Bobby died on the slope. It's believed that his ghost lures people to the top of the Double-Dip to race, intending to lead them to their deaths. Wynona is panicked, especially after Margo tells her that Bobby only lures identical twins.
CONCLUSION: This definitely feels like the story with the most thought put into it. Not to mention a rare occurrence of a Goosebumps twist that feels well constructed and even more well earned. Not just, you know, monsters all along. Really good build, really amazing twist. Strong enough to hold its own as a story, though not enough to be a book. Yeah, easy A+.
STORY #9: SANTA'S HELPERS
Spencer and his sister Beth (Another Beth?) are having fun ignoring their little sister Diana. They also like to mock her for not looking anything like the rest of their family, to the point they say that Diana isn't their actual little sister. Their family are all redheads except for Diana. Am... Am I sure this isn't a continuation of the Susie Snowflake story? Regardless, they're forced to take Diana sledding, but then act like jerks, forcing her to drag them on their sleds. Diana gets pissed and tells them that Santa will know how bad they are and punish them. Spencer and Beth, already proving how amazing they are, decide to tell her that Santa isn't real.
Their mom takes Diana home, while Spencer and Beth decide to sled some more. They sled into the woods when suddenly a net falls on them and four men in red snowsuits approach them, looking like elves. It has to do with the fact that the two kids were given red snowsuits by their mother. The kids plead to be let go, but they don't get an answer. They soon are taken to a strange looking workshop filled with toys. And it's there they see the big man himself, Santa Claus. The elves say that Beth and Spencer must be two elves who tried to escape, meaning that Santa must really put on an oppressive work environment. They plead some more, but Santa thinks they're lying. Spencer then says they have a way to prove they're not elves.
TWIST ENDING: Santa brings Spencer and Beth to Diana. The kids tell Diana to tell Santa that they're related, but Diana tells them that she's not their sister, just like they told her. The elves take Beth and Spencer back with them, while Diana tells them to tell Santa that she's been good this year.
CONCLUSION: This one was fine, but I just like that we got a happy ending for a twist. I mean, for a rare occasion in these books, the younger sibling is the good one while the protagonists are unlikable jerks who get what's coming to them. Can't say I'm crying for them. Strong enough for a story, but no real meat for a book. B.
STORY #10: ATTACK OF THE CHRISTMAS PRESENT
Jack is really excited that his Uncle Billy is coming over for Christmas. Billy's been all around the world and usually gives him and his older brother Doug really unique gifts, like a wooden scarab that Billy uses as an ink stamper. Christmas arrives and Jack opens Uncle Billy's present. It's a strange wood mask with three eyes and red-and-white horsehair. Meanwhile, Doug got a strange robot toy named Robot Tag. Neither of the kids really like their presents, but they don't want to upset their uncle, so they decide to trade them to each other.
Jack plays with Robot Tag for a while before going to bed. He's awakened by noises as it seems the robot has come to life and is chasing him. He tells Doug about it, but Doug doesn't believe him. Jack takes the robot and puts it in the closet, but that doesn't stop it from getting up and chasing him some more. He tries to use a hockey stick, but Robot Tag breaks it. Jack runs downstairs and tries to make it to the door, but Robot Tag slides down to follow him. Jack then trips, as Robot Tag gets closer.
TWIST ENDING: Then Robot Tag taps Jack, saying "You're It!".
CONCLUSION: Well that was underwhelming. I guess there was some good tension with how the robot seemed unstoppable, but all for that ending? I dunno, I had hoped for something more. When will I learn to stop giving R.L. Stine a chance? Full book? Go piss up a rope! C.
CONCLUSION
STORY RANKING
#10. Marshmallow Surprise
#9. Attack of the Christmas Present
#8. Monster on the Ice
#7. Why I Hate Jack Frost
#6. Santa's Helpers
#5. Don't Sit on the Gronk!
#4. The Ice Vampire
#3. Nutcracker Nightmare
#2. A Holly Jolly Holiday
#1. The Double-Dip Horror
And with that, it's the end of the Tales series, but we do have one job left to do. Because I am that masochistic, I have to finish my time with the series by doing the ultimate ranking of all 60 stories. So, stay tuned.
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