Please Hammer, Stop Hurtin' Me
Dic: 1991
Ah, the 1990's. When video games ruled, the term "Saturday Morning cartoon" wasn't just a relic of the past, and a guy in parachute pants was the biggest thing sine sliced bread.
In the early 90's M.C Hammer became a household name, after his song "Can't Touch This" became not just a hit, but a monolithic hit. One that honestly sums up the early 90's in my opinion. Hammer mania was in full swing, as the man was everywhere. From shilling popcorn chicken and Pepsi, to even having his own doll.. While you could argue about his family friendly rapping, his sampling of other songs, or even his ridiculous getup, you can't deny that the Hammer was a success.
And you know what happens when I say something's a success. That's right, they most likely have a cartoon.
And that was indeed the case in 1991, as ABC and our favorite DICheads gave us the cartoon starring, and I quote, "The first musical hero".
Well, Elvis, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, I could kinda go on all day. But I guess technically the first CARTOON musical SUPERhero.
The Cartoon was Hammerman, and hoo boy, all it hammered was the nail in the coffin of musician cartoons. Bad animation, a stupid plot, 90's celebrity egostroking, and all the other lessons that ABC and Dic clearly didn't learn from the New Kids cartoon that aired the year prior. Isn't that right Jordan Knight?
Jordan Knight: Seeing me.. in a cartoon show... is kinda putting me in a fantasy land.
Always inspirational.
So, let's not waste any more time, let's throw on the parachute pants, and get to inducting. Let's review this thing.
The opening theme is sung by Hammer himself, and it's a very half assed rap song. Very rarely does a rap song sound as scripted as this. But since we have to get the back story of the show, it makes sense. Essentially the plot goes that a long time ago, a "Hip Hop MoTown Dude" had a pair of magical shoes that gave him super powers.
Magical TALKING shoes. That's not the least bit creepy.
But since the MoTown dude is too old to keep up with the superheroics, he instead gives the shoes to a guy named Stanley (aka Hammer's real name). So, whenever Stanley puts on the talking shoes, he becomes a superhero of lightly epic proportions.
Now that we know the plot, let's look at an episode. The first episode ever, "Defeated Grafitti"
And of course, what would a Dic celebritoon be without a live action intro? As Hammer and some fine young eggs talk about the episode in question. To be fair, at least Hammer seems far more interested than Gretzky or Bo did in Pro Stars.
The kids then dance horrendously, as we finally get to our episode. We see some kids dancing in the street as..
Good lord, I'm not even 30 seconds in, and I'm repulsed at the animation. It's clunky as shit. There's not fluidity to the animation, characters look and move as stiff as cardboard, and it just looks so friggin' cheap. This is the same company that did Pro Stars and New Kids. And while both shows sucked, they didn't have abysmal animation like this. This is the worst I've ever seen from Dic, and that's saying something.
The "dancing" is interrupted by Gramps, who informs in song to the kids that in his heyday, the music was much better, over this hippin' and a hoppin' with its bippin plus some boppin'. But his soulful spasms are interrupted as the local library is on fire, with the librarian trapped. However, the fire department is run by morons, so it's up to the one man who's 2 legit to quit. Hammerman arrives on the scene. He rescues the librarian, and then dances, causing the closest water tower to come to life, and put out the library's flames.
Wait, what?
Hammerman saves the day, and turns back into Stanley. He thanks the shoes for their help, before throwing them in his gym bag. Stanley has doubts that he's the right guy for the job, as he heads to the local rec center. There, Jodi, Gramps' grandaughter (duh), is painting a picture, while telling Winnie, one of the workers there about how awesome Hammerman is. But a busted pipe floods the center, and destroys Jodi's crappy painting. And she begins to bitch because nobody wants to see her picture. She leaves the center, and runs into a kid who's grafitti tagging a building. He dares her to start tagging, which she accepts, because she's gullible. But as that's happening, she's being spyed on by the villain du jour, Defacely Marmeister.
Marmeister's big plan is to dupe Jodi and the rest of the kids into working for him, and paint the town with his evil paint concoction, which makes anything painted come to life. Kind've a lame plan, but hey, it's not as bad as getting a kid with HIV lynched by an ignorant town. Stanley heads out to see what's going on, but accidentally gets the wrong gym bag, the one not containing his super shoes.
Boy, is he in for a surprise.
Super powerless, Stanley discovers Marmeister robbing a bank truck, with the help of a giant fire painting. Stanley tries to call the cops, but gets captured instead. Marmeister brings the grafitti around Oaktown to life, as his fire lackey uses the evil spraypaint to turn Stanley into a painting. Jodi eventually finds out that the creepy looking guy in the hat may just be up to no good. She also hears Stanley singing, and with the help of Gramps, the two rescue Stanley, and destroy the deviant doodle. Stanley gets the right bag, as he turns into Hammerman. He then proceeds to defeat the grafitti monsters..... While "Can't Touch This" plays in the background. I can bitch about the animation. I can bitch about the plot, but dammit to hell, I love that song.
After Hammerman makes short work of the art work, Marmeister kidnaps Jodie.
But his deus ex machipaint backfires, when Jodi draws a cop, which arrests our freaky foe. Jodi fesses up for her graffito tagging, and promises to stick to the canvas, not the walls.
And of course, we end the episode with the legit Hammer reminding us of the moral we just heard a minute ago.
Remember kids, graffitti is bad, but excessive spending is A-OK.
There's another episode I could review. One with essentially the same plot ideas, Jodi bitching about not being respected, and a few other things. But I can stands no more.
And that's Hammerman. This cartoon is bad. The animation is pathetic, character designs look bad beyond compare, the plots are beyond stupid. But hey, at least they do have some of those legendary Hammer tunes. But that's not enough to save this from being tooncrap. It's just another celebritoon that just doesn't work. Do yourself a favor, and
Don't touch this.
This toon sucks ass so hard
Makes me say, oh my lord
screw you, for cursing me
with the animated equivalent of feces
It's bad, cause it makes you frown
This stupid ass cartoon from the DICtown
This show's bull, and such
And this is a cartoon you don't touch.