Scared Plotless
Scholastic: 1997
Chances are, if you were a child of the 90's, you had a friend, or had a classmate, or bullied a kid who read these books. Hell, chances are you even read 'em yourself.
I didn't. *straightens invisible tie* I was an Animorphs kid myself.
Ah Goosebumps. Back when popular horror literature didn't involve shiny vampires. Okay, it had green growing goop, and kids that were really dogs, but I digress.
The book series was created by R.L Stine. If you took out the I, you could play the bonus round of Wheel of Fortune with his name.
Jeez, that mole on his forehead is more frightening than his books.
Stine was an author, who had got one of his first breaks with his teen horror books "Fear Street". After the success of Fear Street, Scholastic hired Stine to work on a series of children's horror books. And Thus in 1992, Goosebumps was born. The books became a massive hit, lasting in it's initial run from 1992-2000, with 62 original books, 2 spin offs, and a boat load of merchandise. From toys, to stationery, even the sweetest plum of them all.... their own special special edition fruit by the foot wrappers! The books would go on to be one the best selling book series of all time, and a massive success.
I feel like at this point of the blog I say something that has to do with successes and TV shows.
Yep, even a children's book series isn't prone to this theory, as in 1995, in response to the success of "Are You Afraid of the Dark", Goosebumps got it's own TV show on Fox Kids (or YTV up here in Canuckland). The best I can say about the show is it's.... Well, kinda bad. First off, it was filmed in Canada, which meant the effects look cheap, the acting is wooden, and the only scares you might get is the frightening sensation that this looks pathetic. Though some episodes did have future Hollywood actors in them, like Ryan Gosling, and Hayden Christensen (So Star Wars purists can go ahead and blame this show as the start of where it all went wrong).
Second off, the episodes weren't in order of the actual books. Which wouldn't be so bad, if they weren't stupid enough to do silly things like Do the other Night of the Living Dummy stories except the very first one. Apparently it was going to be made, but it never did due to the source material being too scary. Uh, gee, I can't help thinking that's the whole damn point of the TV show to begin with. It's supposed to be scary you fools.
Third, especially by the end, you could tell this show just didn't give a damn anymore. From basing episodes not from the full novels, and instead from excerpts from the short story adaptations, and even original episodes that were just nonsensical and stupid (I'm looking at you Chillogy). The show was definitely ready for a mercy kill by the time our Induction Du Jour was released. The episode "Don't go to sleep". An episode so stupid, nonsensical, and apparently so far deviated from the actual book that it makes your head spin like an evil dummy.
Trust me, between this episode, and another one that's more disturbing, this one was the more oddball to go with.
So reader beware, chances are you may or may not be in for a scare. Let's review this thing.
We open our terrifying tale, with our protagonist Matt. Matt's a whiny kid, who feels jilted by the fact that he doesn't have the privileges of his older siblings. You know, personal phones, the ability to stay out psat 5:PM, dropped testicles, you know, the basics. He asks his mother if he can move his room to the unused attic, since he's only got the one tiny bedroom. When his request is denied, he throws a pouty fit about being the youngest. But since our protagonist is a pouting rebel, he decides to go into the attic anyways after his mother leaves. He proclaims he's sick of reality, and quickly nods off, as the room literally starts to spin.
He awakens to his happy family, who are proclaiming him to be an amazing hockey pro (With this being made in Canada were you expecting him to be a pro at anything else?). While all this happens, an ominous limo approaches Matt's house, containing within...
The Men in Black? Sadly no, and sadly that means you're got getting neuralized after this episode is over. We'll get more into these two later.
Matt's mom gives him a pep talk as they head to the big game, Matt all the while still confused. According to his mother, he's leading the league in goals, despite Matt's claims to have never played Hockey. It's game time, as Matt gets chewed at by his coach. Which, this being a Canadian show, is of course...
Don Cherry.
as Cherry rambles, Matt gets murdered on the ice. Sadly, not literally, but he still gets completely clobbered, by not just the rest of the hockey players, but also by the two men in black from earlier, dressed as hockey players. Matt gets the pre-pubescent crap knocked out of him for a little while longer, until the two men give chase. Matt skates into an ominously lit exit.
He then ends up in the cheapest looking operating room ever, now given the task of performing brain surgery on the president. And of course the tension is added with the most frightening special effect of all.. Weird Camera Lens!
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
The men in black return, and Matt leaps into another illogical reality, where he has to defuse a bomb. He argues with the bomb squad for a bit, and this goes nowhere. The bomb goes off, I guess, as Matt leaps yet again. This time, he's in a tux, and at a wedding. And as you'd guess, he's the groom. As he walks the aisle (Sadly with a lack of style and profile), the guests all tell him that he's lucky to have found such a great wife. he gets the altar, and meets his blushing brid..
GAH! Even with the weird lens that's creepy.
She whines to Matt about being late for the wedding, and eats an egg.
The hell?
But he's spared from this nightmare, as the two men in black finally catch up with him. He ends up at the supreme court of the unified universe, where the men in black finally tell them who they are. They're the reality police. And they're bringing him to the high judge of reality (???).
Viewer beware, you're in for EXTREME CLOSEUP!
The judge tells Matt that he's in trouble for pretty much bad mouthing reality, and is guilty of being a whiny bitch. He sentences Matt to..
An enternity in Hell?
But before anything can happen, his mother wakes him up. She decides to let him move his room in the attic, an idea he's no longer fond of. He gets his stuff out of the attic, and, learning nothing from this ordeal, once again bitches reality, which leads to the Reality Police returning to, I dunno, beat the tar out of him. The end.
For a show that was pretty bad to begin with, this was pitiful. The special effects were lame, nothing about it was the least bit scary, even for a little kid. and the logical plot in itself is just lame. A pouty kid hates real life, so he gets chased by the reality police through one cheap set piece after the next? Viewer beware, I just do not care. And this was during the season affectionately titled "Ultimate Goosebumps". And for those who know well enough, any show with "ultimate" or "extreme" in the title is an ultimately extreme turd. So, while not toon, this is definitely crap.