Hammerman

Please Hammer, Stop Hurtin' Me

Dic: 1991

Ah, the 1990's. When video games ruled, the term "Saturday Morning cartoon" wasn't just a relic of the past, and a guy in parachute pants was the biggest thing sine sliced bread.



In the early 90's M.C Hammer became a household name, after his song "Can't Touch This" became not just a hit, but a monolithic hit. One that honestly sums up the early 90's in my opinion. Hammer mania was in full swing, as the man was everywhere. From shilling popcorn chicken and Pepsi, to even having his own doll.. While you could argue about his family friendly rapping, his sampling of other songs, or even his ridiculous getup, you can't deny that the Hammer was a success.

And you know what happens when I say something's a success. That's right, they most likely have a cartoon.

And that was indeed the case in 1991, as ABC and our favorite DICheads gave us the cartoon starring, and I quote, "The first musical hero".

Well, Elvis, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, I could kinda go on all day. But I guess technically the first CARTOON musical SUPERhero.

The Cartoon was Hammerman, and hoo boy, all it hammered was the nail in the coffin of musician cartoons. Bad animation, a stupid plot, 90's celebrity egostroking, and all the other lessons that ABC and Dic clearly didn't learn from the New Kids cartoon that aired the year prior. Isn't that right Jordan Knight?


Jordan Knight: Seeing me.. in a cartoon show... is kinda putting me in a fantasy land.

Always inspirational.

So, let's not waste any more time, let's throw on the parachute pants, and get to inducting. Let's review this thing.



The opening theme is sung by Hammer himself, and it's a very half assed rap song. Very rarely does a rap song sound as scripted as this. But since we have to get the back story of the show, it makes sense. Essentially the plot goes that a long time ago, a "Hip Hop MoTown Dude" had a pair of magical shoes that gave him super powers.




Magical TALKING shoes. That's not the least bit creepy.

But since the MoTown dude is too old to keep up with the superheroics, he instead gives the shoes to a guy named Stanley (aka Hammer's real name). So, whenever Stanley puts on the talking shoes, he becomes a superhero of lightly epic proportions.

Now that we know the plot, let's look at an episode. The first episode ever, "Defeated Grafitti"



And of course, what would a Dic celebritoon be without a live action intro? As Hammer and some fine young eggs talk about the episode in question. To be fair, at least Hammer seems far more interested than Gretzky or Bo did in Pro Stars.



The kids then dance horrendously, as we finally get to our episode. We see some kids dancing in the street as..



Good lord, I'm not even 30 seconds in, and I'm repulsed at the animation. It's clunky as shit. There's not fluidity to the animation, characters look and move as stiff as cardboard, and it just looks so friggin' cheap. This is the same company that did Pro Stars and New Kids. And while both shows sucked, they didn't have abysmal animation like this. This is the worst I've ever seen from Dic, and that's saying something.




The "dancing" is interrupted by Gramps, who informs in song to the kids that in his heyday, the music was much better, over this hippin' and a hoppin' with its bippin plus some boppin'. But his soulful spasms are interrupted as the local library is on fire, with the librarian trapped. However, the fire department is run by morons, so it's up to the one man who's 2 legit to quit. Hammerman arrives on the scene. He rescues the librarian, and then dances, causing the closest water tower to come to life, and put out the library's flames.


Wait, what?



Hammerman saves the day, and turns back into Stanley. He thanks the shoes for their help, before throwing them in his gym bag. Stanley has doubts that he's the right guy for the job, as he heads to the local rec center. There, Jodi, Gramps' grandaughter (duh), is painting a picture, while telling Winnie, one of the workers there about how awesome Hammerman is. But a busted pipe floods the center, and destroys Jodi's crappy painting. And she begins to bitch because nobody wants to see her picture. She leaves the center, and runs into a kid who's grafitti tagging a building. He dares her to start tagging, which she accepts, because she's gullible. But as that's happening, she's being spyed on by the villain du jour, Defacely Marmeister.




Marmeister's big plan is to dupe Jodi and the rest of the kids into working for him, and paint the town with his evil paint concoction, which makes anything painted come to life. Kind've a lame plan, but hey, it's not as bad as getting a kid with HIV lynched by an ignorant town. Stanley heads out to see what's going on, but accidentally gets the wrong gym bag, the one not containing his super shoes.


Boy, is he in for a surprise.



Super powerless, Stanley discovers Marmeister robbing a bank truck, with the help of a giant fire painting. Stanley tries to call the cops, but gets captured instead. Marmeister brings the grafitti around Oaktown to life, as his fire lackey uses the evil spraypaint to turn Stanley into a painting. Jodi eventually finds out that the creepy looking guy in the hat may just be up to no good. She also hears Stanley singing, and with the help of Gramps, the two rescue Stanley, and destroy the deviant doodle. Stanley gets the right bag, as he turns into Hammerman. He then proceeds to defeat the grafitti monsters..... While "Can't Touch This" plays in the background. I can bitch about the animation. I can bitch about the plot, but dammit to hell, I love that song.




After Hammerman makes short work of the art work, Marmeister kidnaps Jodie.



But his deus ex machipaint backfires, when Jodi draws a cop, which arrests our freaky foe. Jodi fesses up for her graffito tagging, and promises to stick to the canvas, not the walls.



And of course, we end the episode with the legit Hammer reminding us of the moral we just heard a minute ago.

Remember kids, graffitti is bad, but excessive spending is A-OK.

There's another episode I could review. One with essentially the same plot ideas, Jodi bitching about not being respected, and a few other things. But I can stands no more.

And that's Hammerman. This cartoon is bad. The animation is pathetic, character designs look bad beyond compare, the plots are beyond stupid. But hey, at least they do have some of those legendary Hammer tunes. But that's not enough to save this from being tooncrap. It's just another celebritoon that just doesn't work. Do yourself a favor, and

Don't touch this.
This toon sucks ass so hard
Makes me say, oh my lord
screw you, for cursing me
with the animated equivalent of feces
It's bad, cause it makes you frown
This stupid ass cartoon from the DICtown
This show's bull, and such
And this is a cartoon you don't touch.

The Pebble and the Penguin

Stone cold crap

MGM: 1995

Penguins. What is it about them that makes them such a beloved creature? Is it their cute look? Sympathy for their lack of flight? Respect for being so snazzy dressed?

Well, whatever it is about them that's so beloved, it sure has shot out a plethora of penguin related programming over the years. And 99% of the time, it's a icy cold piece of penguin poop.



Although there are some exceptions to the rule (As seen above), the majority of movies and shows starring penguins are rather crappy. There's Happy Feet, which if you take out the dancing, is actually a rather bland movie. There's march of the penguins, which is rather dull to be frank. There's farce of the Penguins, which isn't that funny. And there's our induction du jour, the mid 90's Bluth Bomb, The Pebble and the Penguin.

As documented before, the early 90's were not kind to mr. Bluth, who seemed to suffer through one stinker after another. It wasn't until Anastasia that things seemed to be back on track. But in that dark age of the early 90's, the stinkers were major. And Pebble and the Penguin is definitely one of the bigger offenders. Suffering from lackluster animation, a dull plot, boring songs, and, as Roger Ebert would point out, some interesting color coding when it comes to the heroes and villains of the movie.

So, with the intro out of the way, let's dive into the icy abyss that is this film. Let's review this thing.





We open our film to narration, telling us that every year, the male penguins of Antarctica give their beloved a pebble, and if she accepts it, they mate for life. And from there, we get our first song, "Now and Forever". It's clearly the movie's big song, as it has the most effort put into the animation, as well as being almost 5 minutes in length. And yet, the song is really dull. We also meet our protagonist, the "lovably" awkward Hubie (Voiced by Martin Short). We also meet Marina (voiced by Annie Golden), who Hubie falls instantly in love with.



After song finally ends, Hubie tells a story to three annoying bird kids about how he's in love with Marina. And through a wacky mishap, he falls off a hill, and crashes into Marina. He stutters like the shy fool he is, and she just laughs.



But meanwhile, on the top of a really tall hill for some reason, their conversation is being watched over by our main villain Drake (Voiced by Tim Curry, who's doing perhaps the worst tough dude voice I have ever heard). He has the hots for Marina, and vows to make her his wife. Later that night, Hubie and Marina are still talking, which leads to another song about what Hubie thinks about. It's a pretty bland song, and despite some decent visuals, is, like the rest of the songs in this film, instantly forgettable.

The next day, all the male penguins set out to find their pebbles. Hubie is the most eager of the bunch, but being the putz he is, is constantly defeated in his pebble quest. With all hopes of macking Marina destroyed, he wishes on a star to give him a perfect pebble.



The fates find pity on our feathered shlub, and a meteorite crashes in front of him, leaving a glowing green rock. Hubie takes it, unafraid of possible radiation poisoning, or what have you, and takes it to Marina post haste. But Drake trips him, and sends our hero plummeting into the icy water below. But hey, he's a penguin, he can just swim back. It's not like something bad's gonna...


Oh crap.

Our hero gets almost eaten by a giant leopard seal, but manages to escape the beast on an ice flow. However, the flow takes him miles away from Antarctica, to a place with an enemy even greater than the seal.... Man.


She knows from experience.



Hubie ends up on the good ship Misery with several other penguins. The other penguins tell Hubie about their plights..... In song of course. Another forgettable song, moving on. After the choreographed tale of woe, the humans arrive with a rather rowdy penguin, which they end up caging. This angry fella is Rocko the rockhopper (Voiced by the other Belushi). The other penguins inform out heroes that their fate is to be sold to a zoo, which Rocko clearly has a problem with. While that's going on, Hubie's pebble shows him a vision of Marina talking about how much she loves him, as Drake tries and fails to win her over. With 10 days to make it back to Antarctica, or Marina will be banished for not choosing a mate, Hubie asks Rocko to go with him in exchange for helping him escape. The two manage to escape, leaving the other penguins to suffer the fate of zoo life.

Dicks.



The two wind up in Tahiti, which greatly upsets Hubie. Being the moron he is, he can't get back home on his own. And Rocko, being the grumpy douche, wants Hubie to leave him be. Hubie asks him if he has a dream, to which Rocko replies that he wishes he could fly. Knowing of his secret, Hubie BSes Rocko to help him get back home, with the possibility of being able to fly.



Meanwhile, at castle Grayskull's winter lodge, Drake gloats about Hubie's death, as our heroes hop a cruise ship lifeboat. They make a stop at an island, where Rocko tries to fly off a cliff, and fails because he's a moron. The two bicker for a while, as a storm goes by. Back to Drake, who's attempts at getting Marina to be with him continue to be denied. And of course this leads to another song, this time with Tim Curry singing. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but even with Tim Curry singing, it's pretty awful.

With the road home rapidly approaching, Hubie decides to tell Rocko that he was BSing him all this time just so he would help him get home.


He takes it as well as you'd expect.

But after almost killing Hubie, Rocko pulls the mother of all mood swings, and starts laughing about the whole ordeal, as the two make up and head for Antarctica. Back home, Marina sings about Hubie. This song's decent, but again, nothing memorable. Our heroes are still on the road to Antarctica as Rocko tries to toughen up Hubie, and......

Hold on, stop for one second. Just caught a nice animation error


Throughout this scene, Rocko's feet vanish. This wouldn't be a bad thing if it was minor, but it happens several times in the one scene. That is just lazy.



The two find a seal's fishing hole. Rocko's eager to go in to get some food, while Hubie stutters and worries as usual. They go in the hole, and chase after some glowing fish. But that doesn't last long as they're chased by our old pal the leopard seal. But yet again, they manage to escape the seal. And what better way to celebrate a near death experience, than with another song. Which feels more like a vaudevillian trainwreck. Sappy jokes, poor singing from Short and Belushi. For the buddy song of the movie, it's just awful. After surviving the seal, Hubie loses the pebble, and encounters some evil killer whales. Rocko fights them off, as they just so happen to bring Hubie to Drake's skull palace.



But sadly Rocko has perished.



But no time to mourn, as it's time for the final battle of the movie. Drake decides that he's no longer giving Marina a choice, and kidnaps her. But it's our stuttering hero to the rescue. The two face off, and Hubie gets slaughtered. But with some encouragement from his young bird friends, he's back on his feet, ready to face off with Drake again. This time, instilled with the power of love, and all that nonsense, he beats the ever lovin' bird poop out of Drake, sending him falling to his death. With the villain vanquished, Hubie proposes to Marina.



And hey, Rocko's alive and well too. How shocking. Our heroes reunite, and everything's happily ever...


Oh shit.

Drake is still alive, and throws a giant rock at Hubie. Unfortunately this causes castle grayskull to collapse. A giant rock falls on Drake, killing him for reals this time. Our heroes, stuck with no hope of survival, fall to their deaths. I must admit that's a rather sad way to end....


UUUUUWHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!???????

In the ultimate act of Deus Ex Machina, Rocko, through some unknown reasoning, is now able to fly (Without flapping his wings BTW), as he saves our heroes from suffering an untimely dearh. Marina accepts Hubie as her mate, and the movie is finally over.

This movie sucks mostly because it's just boring. The songs, the characters, the story, and the conflict. Mix it with some dull animation, and you have a pretty bad movie. The voice acting is blech at best. It's rare that I'd ever say that Tim Curry does a bad job, but this is one of the rare times I can' bare to listen to the man. Martin Short does fine, but giving Hubie the annoying stutter got annoying from the get go. Jim Belushi does a fine job, so does Annie Golden. But the most damning thing about it is, how can Rocko suddenly fly? Did he make some sort of wish/deal with the Devil before he reunited with Hubie? I get that it's supposed to be the big moment of the movie, but it just feels so nonsensical, even for this cartoon.

This movie is a fine representation of why for some reason Penguins just can't be in good movies. But for as bad as this movie was, I would take it any day over Piper Penguin And His Fantastic Flying Machines.



But that's a stinker of a story for another day.

Popeye

I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a better movie today.

Paramount/Disney: 1980

Animation and live action are two different methods that when done right (Who Framed Roger Rabbit, even Space Jam) can produce amazing results. However, that's more or less a rarity, as the majority of live action adaptations are absolute junk. Most are a quck buck movie cribbing on a successful franchise of the past, while others try to give more life to an older franchise, and still blow tremendously. Case in point with our first induction of the month, Robert Altman's Popeye.



It's hard to believe that Popeye is almost a century old, first appearing in the Thimble Theatre comic strip in 1919 as a minor character. However, the sailor man would pull a Steve Urkel, and eventually the comic's focus would be on the spinach chompin' son of a gun. Popeye's success would soon go further than the funny pages in 1933, when Fleischer studios would bring him to life, making his debut alongside Fleischer's beloved Betty Boop. After getting his well wishes from miss "Boop Boop Be Doop", Popeye became a massive hit, and throughout the 1930s was the number one animated character, beating out even Mickey Mouse in popularity. There was no disputing the sailor man's popularity.

And almost 50 years later, the character had remained one of the most succesful animated characters of all time.

And like I've said before, if it's successful, chances are there's a movie about it.

And there was. In 1980, Popeye made his first foray into the realm of live action, in the 1980 film "Popeye". It was directed by Robert Altman, best known for M*A*S*H, Gosford Park, among other films. The movie was based directly from many of the classic Thimble Theatre strips, as well as being a musical (Considering that most Popeye shorts has songs in them this makes sense). But the question is, who would portray the beloved sea dog?

Robin Williams.

Friggin' Mork!

To be fair, Williams is a superb impressionist.This was also his first film role, and hey, not every actor started off in a classic.

So, what was wrong with this film? Well, despite mixed reviews, most claim it to be pretty dull, uneventful, and somewhat insufferable. And considering it clocks in at around almost 2 hours, that's not exactly a good thing.

So, with that all said, let's eat some spinach, and set sail. Let's review this thing.



We open our film with a stormy sea as the credits roll. A lone boat is seen rowing towards the town of Sweethaven. The storm soon stops, and it's time for our first song, as the inhabitants of the Town sing about how great a town Sweethaven is, while wacky hijinx ensue, like a man chasing after his hat, and a guy almost falling off a ladder. The man on the boat makes it to shore, and it's our beloved spinach chewin' protagonist.



Jeez, you may want to get those arms checked.

Upon landing in town, he is immediately taxed by some guy on a bike, who then chases after some kids. Popeye grumbles and heads on his way.

I'm gonna say my piece now. I'm not too fond of Robin's Popeye voice. Maybe I just have a flair for the more nostalgic popeye voice, or the fact it really sounds half assed. The inflection is there, but it lacks the energy of the orignal. And having to deal with it for the next hour fitty isn't exactly something I'm looking forward to.

After almost being smashed with a piano, Popeye finds a pipe on the ground and puts it in his mouth. And with that, not even seven minutes in, it's time for yet another song. If you can call it a song, it sounds more like melodic mumbling. He mumbles on as the town runs in fear at the sight of the man with the bad eye and frightening biceps. After 3 minutes of this "song" he eventually heads to the boarding house of the Oyls, and asks to rent a room. Upon entering he meets Olive Oyl (played by Shelley Duvall. And don't take this as an insult, but when I think of lanky, ugly Olive, I kinda think Duvall), who's bitching about ugly hats, and says she doesn't want to marry Captain Bluto, who's running the town for the commodore.



I wish.

Olive shows Popeye to his room, to which she immediately destroys by being a klutz of drastic proportions.

After a 5 minute dinner scene that goes nowhere, Popeye goes to bed talking about how he'll soon reunite with his dad. The next day, it's time for yet another song, "Everything is Food". This song is pretty forgettable save for containing Wimpy's classic line "I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today". And like previous songs, various acts of silly stupidity is seen from the townsfolk. From jumping over each other, to clutching burning pipes. No wonder these people are concerned about Popeye, he might actually have the common decency to report them to a nuthouse.



We gets some more exposition from Popeye about his missing father, until he gets heckled by some local douches. And after about 4 minutes + of mocking, Popeye finally beats the everloving shit out of them. Hey, it's been 27 minutes, and something worthwhile's actually happened.




Later, at the Oyl residence, it's time for Olive's engagement party. Bluto heads to the house, constantly snarling and grumbling. Popeye heads down to join the happy occasion, and the entire town stares at him with hatred. Jeez, if they hate him for just being Popeye, I'd hate to see their reaction if he had HIV. Knowing well enough he's not wanted, he heads off to the docks. Meanwhile, Olive is getting dressed, and talks about how large Bluto is (and somehow I don't think she means height). And by talk, of course I mean sing. And by sing, of course I mean sound like a cat being slaughtered. As she sings, she packs up and leaves the house. And while that happens, Bluto finally makes it to the Oyl house, picking a flower in hopes that she'll actually marry him. I swear that all this guy knows how to do is growl and grumble. Even the cartoon Bluto wasn't this angry a prick.



In her escaping, Olive bumps into Popeye, and after some more klutzy confusion, Olive bitches at him for a while before heading back. Bluto meanwhile, is still growling, and eating glass. Jesus H. Macy, this guy needs some anger management. While Popeye talks about his deadbeat dad, a woman switches Olive's basket. After hearing a rattling sound, Olive freaks out in fear of it being a rattlesnake, however...



You guessed it, a prom night dumpster baby.



While Popeye and Olive deal with the little orphan, Bluto throws a friggin' hissy fit. Which leads to, yep, another song. Bluto sings about how he's mean. you know, with you grumbling like a sociopath, I really couldn't tell. One verse in particular concerns me.

I'm so mean, I had a dream of beatin' myself up.
Broke my nose, I broke my hand, I wrestled myself to the ground, and then
I choked myself to death, then broke the choke, and woke up



Even Freud would throw his hands up and say "lost cause"

And the saddest part is the entire town, in fear of retalliation from the psychopath, sings along as he demolishes the Oyl house. Olive and Popeye finally head back, with the baby. And upon seeing the trio, Bluto gets so pissed that he sees red.



Literally.

Popeye tries to apologize, and gets the spinach lovin' snot beaten out of him. The next day, the Oyl's are taxed out of house and home by an enraged Bluto. However, Olive and Popeye are far more busy tending to the Wee Tot, to which Popeye dubs Swee' Pea, which Olive dislikes. Though at this point, I can't honestly think of a damn thing she does like. Hell, even the cartoon Olive wasn't this big a bitch.




In an act of convenience, there just happens to be a big boxing match coming to Sweethaven, as Oxblood Oxheart is set to challenge anyone to a one round donnybrook. Olive's brother Castor volunteers, but being the pudgy putz he is, is quickly decimated. So Popeye jumps in to face the bald bruiser, while Bluto watches from afar, growling as always. Popeye brawls with Oxblood, and eventually knocks him out with a corkscrew uppecut, winning the Oyls tax exemption for 10 days. Later that night, Popeye and Olive sing Sweet Pea a lullabye. Yep, a song from a mumbling cyclops and a screechy chick. Have fun sleeping kid.



Believing that Swee' Pea has the ability to predict the future, Wimpy asks to take him to the horse races. I guess it's less trouble than a future predicting camera, I guess.



Well, that or spying on Wimpy and Swee' Pea.

And to the shock of nobody, the baby actually pays off. Popeye and the Oyls confront Wimpy, but when he informs the family that Swee' Pea is a regular Lisa the Greek, they decide to join in on the gambling fun, much to the chagrin of Popeye. And with that, it's time for another song, "I Yam What I Yam", as Popeye sings about.... welll, being Popeye. And in comparison to the rest of the songs in this movie, this one's decent. It's a step up from his first song in the movie at least. He takes Swee' Pea, and exits stage left, while Bluto calls Wimpy over for some nice foreshadowing.

Popeye and Swee Pea also decide to leave the Oyl residence as well, still pissed at them using the lad for gambling purposes. Jesus, it's not like they were selling him for drugs or nothing. Upon entering his new home, he gets taxed heavily by the tax man, only to send him flying into the ocean.


My, what a conveniently placed slide.

The town becomes elated at Popeye sending the tax man into the water. And in the celebration, Wimpy kidnaps Swee' Pea and gives him to grunty Gus... I mean Bluto. Later that night, Popeye moans at the loss of the youngin, as Olive sings (Yep, song time again) about Popeye needing her, which follows to yet another song about Popeye missing Swee' Pea.


This sudden influx of songs doin' anything for ya?

Olive gets Wimpy to confess, as Bluto gives Swee' Pea to the commodore. A commodore with massive forearms and a love for spinach. Take a wild guess who it is? If you said it's Popeye's dad, you win the prize.



Here, have a slightly scratched copy of the Boomerang soundtrack.



Yep, indeed the commodore is Poopdeck Pappy, as Olive and Wimpy head to his boat to investigate. Pappy is a grumpy individual, who just so happens to hate pretty much everything. Well, everything except singing about hating everything, I guess. Yep, another song. Bluto takes this time to tie him up, which seems to not bother Pappy much, as he's still friggin' singing. After the song, Olive and Wimpy inform Popeye of his father's situation, as Bluto tries to get Swee' Pea to find the location of Pappy's treasure. Our hero storms into the commodore's boat, and finally reunites with his Pappy (while letting Bluto sneak away).

Pappy continues to deny that Popeye's his son, until he tells him to eat some spinach. Yep, it took an hour and a half, and the spinach is actually coming into play. However, this Popeye hates spinach. So he fake ingests it, as he frees his bickering pop. And in this time, Bluto somehow managed to kidnap Olive, while the whole town watches and does nothing in fear.

1 guy against 40 or so people. Come on..



So, it's time for the final confrontation, as Popeye, the Oyls, and Pappy set sail to catch Bluto, who's headed to Scab Island. And during the trip, Popeye and Pappy continue to bicker at one another. Leading to... kind've a song. Really just complaining with music in the background. They finally confront Bluto's boat, as Pappy gets cannon crazed, and proceeds to fire at it, and rams it, destroying their boat in the process. However, Olive and co. aren't even on the boat. Instead, they're rowing into Pirate's cove. Bluto dives in and grabs the treasure, unaware that the cove's being occupied by a rather pissed off giant rubber octopus.




Popeye and Bluto finally square off, with Bluto yet again beating the bejesus out of him. The two engage in a swordfight, and battle all around the cove, as the octopus gets ever so pissed, and tries to capture Swee' Pea.



If I weren't somewhat classy, I'd make a rather tasteless tentacle rape joke right about now....

But it's Pappy to the rescue, as he gets Swee' Pea to safety. While the swordfight ensues, Pappy opens his treasure chest, which contains spinach, and some of Popeye's baby stuff, proving I guess that the grumpy old douche has a heart after all.



Still too classy to make that joke.

Olive gets captured by the rubber octopus, while Popeye continues to get his ass kicked by Bluto. Pappy throws him some spinach, much to the displeasure of the whining Popeye. Bluto, being a moron, forces it down Popeye's throat.


Which works as well as you'd expect.



The spinach fueled sailor shoryuken's Bluto, and beats the calamari shit out of the rubber octopus. The octo goes flying, and Bluto turns yellow and swims away.



Literally.

And we end our movie with the only song that matters, the Popeye theme song.

And that's Popeye. It's.... meh. It's too long, too boring at times, and the acting is in the middle. When the movie picks up around the end, it does turn decent, but clocking in at almost 2 hours just doesn't help it. The songs are forgettable, which is a cardinal sin for something that's a musical. And while it tries to capture the feel of the shorts and comic strips, it just really fails. There's a reason Popeye cartoons are about 6 or 7 minutes tops. They establish the plot, and keep the humour and excitement around long enough to ensure they don't get boring. When you take that 6 minutes and multiply it by 19, you're gonna have some problems. It's not the worst live action adaptation, but it's still Tooncrap.