Popeye

I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a better movie today.

Paramount/Disney: 1980

Animation and live action are two different methods that when done right (Who Framed Roger Rabbit, even Space Jam) can produce amazing results. However, that's more or less a rarity, as the majority of live action adaptations are absolute junk. Most are a quck buck movie cribbing on a successful franchise of the past, while others try to give more life to an older franchise, and still blow tremendously. Case in point with our first induction of the month, Robert Altman's Popeye.



It's hard to believe that Popeye is almost a century old, first appearing in the Thimble Theatre comic strip in 1919 as a minor character. However, the sailor man would pull a Steve Urkel, and eventually the comic's focus would be on the spinach chompin' son of a gun. Popeye's success would soon go further than the funny pages in 1933, when Fleischer studios would bring him to life, making his debut alongside Fleischer's beloved Betty Boop. After getting his well wishes from miss "Boop Boop Be Doop", Popeye became a massive hit, and throughout the 1930s was the number one animated character, beating out even Mickey Mouse in popularity. There was no disputing the sailor man's popularity.

And almost 50 years later, the character had remained one of the most succesful animated characters of all time.

And like I've said before, if it's successful, chances are there's a movie about it.

And there was. In 1980, Popeye made his first foray into the realm of live action, in the 1980 film "Popeye". It was directed by Robert Altman, best known for M*A*S*H, Gosford Park, among other films. The movie was based directly from many of the classic Thimble Theatre strips, as well as being a musical (Considering that most Popeye shorts has songs in them this makes sense). But the question is, who would portray the beloved sea dog?

Robin Williams.

Friggin' Mork!

To be fair, Williams is a superb impressionist.This was also his first film role, and hey, not every actor started off in a classic.

So, what was wrong with this film? Well, despite mixed reviews, most claim it to be pretty dull, uneventful, and somewhat insufferable. And considering it clocks in at around almost 2 hours, that's not exactly a good thing.

So, with that all said, let's eat some spinach, and set sail. Let's review this thing.



We open our film with a stormy sea as the credits roll. A lone boat is seen rowing towards the town of Sweethaven. The storm soon stops, and it's time for our first song, as the inhabitants of the Town sing about how great a town Sweethaven is, while wacky hijinx ensue, like a man chasing after his hat, and a guy almost falling off a ladder. The man on the boat makes it to shore, and it's our beloved spinach chewin' protagonist.



Jeez, you may want to get those arms checked.

Upon landing in town, he is immediately taxed by some guy on a bike, who then chases after some kids. Popeye grumbles and heads on his way.

I'm gonna say my piece now. I'm not too fond of Robin's Popeye voice. Maybe I just have a flair for the more nostalgic popeye voice, or the fact it really sounds half assed. The inflection is there, but it lacks the energy of the orignal. And having to deal with it for the next hour fitty isn't exactly something I'm looking forward to.

After almost being smashed with a piano, Popeye finds a pipe on the ground and puts it in his mouth. And with that, not even seven minutes in, it's time for yet another song. If you can call it a song, it sounds more like melodic mumbling. He mumbles on as the town runs in fear at the sight of the man with the bad eye and frightening biceps. After 3 minutes of this "song" he eventually heads to the boarding house of the Oyls, and asks to rent a room. Upon entering he meets Olive Oyl (played by Shelley Duvall. And don't take this as an insult, but when I think of lanky, ugly Olive, I kinda think Duvall), who's bitching about ugly hats, and says she doesn't want to marry Captain Bluto, who's running the town for the commodore.



I wish.

Olive shows Popeye to his room, to which she immediately destroys by being a klutz of drastic proportions.

After a 5 minute dinner scene that goes nowhere, Popeye goes to bed talking about how he'll soon reunite with his dad. The next day, it's time for yet another song, "Everything is Food". This song is pretty forgettable save for containing Wimpy's classic line "I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today". And like previous songs, various acts of silly stupidity is seen from the townsfolk. From jumping over each other, to clutching burning pipes. No wonder these people are concerned about Popeye, he might actually have the common decency to report them to a nuthouse.



We gets some more exposition from Popeye about his missing father, until he gets heckled by some local douches. And after about 4 minutes + of mocking, Popeye finally beats the everloving shit out of them. Hey, it's been 27 minutes, and something worthwhile's actually happened.




Later, at the Oyl residence, it's time for Olive's engagement party. Bluto heads to the house, constantly snarling and grumbling. Popeye heads down to join the happy occasion, and the entire town stares at him with hatred. Jeez, if they hate him for just being Popeye, I'd hate to see their reaction if he had HIV. Knowing well enough he's not wanted, he heads off to the docks. Meanwhile, Olive is getting dressed, and talks about how large Bluto is (and somehow I don't think she means height). And by talk, of course I mean sing. And by sing, of course I mean sound like a cat being slaughtered. As she sings, she packs up and leaves the house. And while that happens, Bluto finally makes it to the Oyl house, picking a flower in hopes that she'll actually marry him. I swear that all this guy knows how to do is growl and grumble. Even the cartoon Bluto wasn't this angry a prick.



In her escaping, Olive bumps into Popeye, and after some more klutzy confusion, Olive bitches at him for a while before heading back. Bluto meanwhile, is still growling, and eating glass. Jesus H. Macy, this guy needs some anger management. While Popeye talks about his deadbeat dad, a woman switches Olive's basket. After hearing a rattling sound, Olive freaks out in fear of it being a rattlesnake, however...



You guessed it, a prom night dumpster baby.



While Popeye and Olive deal with the little orphan, Bluto throws a friggin' hissy fit. Which leads to, yep, another song. Bluto sings about how he's mean. you know, with you grumbling like a sociopath, I really couldn't tell. One verse in particular concerns me.

I'm so mean, I had a dream of beatin' myself up.
Broke my nose, I broke my hand, I wrestled myself to the ground, and then
I choked myself to death, then broke the choke, and woke up



Even Freud would throw his hands up and say "lost cause"

And the saddest part is the entire town, in fear of retalliation from the psychopath, sings along as he demolishes the Oyl house. Olive and Popeye finally head back, with the baby. And upon seeing the trio, Bluto gets so pissed that he sees red.



Literally.

Popeye tries to apologize, and gets the spinach lovin' snot beaten out of him. The next day, the Oyl's are taxed out of house and home by an enraged Bluto. However, Olive and Popeye are far more busy tending to the Wee Tot, to which Popeye dubs Swee' Pea, which Olive dislikes. Though at this point, I can't honestly think of a damn thing she does like. Hell, even the cartoon Olive wasn't this big a bitch.




In an act of convenience, there just happens to be a big boxing match coming to Sweethaven, as Oxblood Oxheart is set to challenge anyone to a one round donnybrook. Olive's brother Castor volunteers, but being the pudgy putz he is, is quickly decimated. So Popeye jumps in to face the bald bruiser, while Bluto watches from afar, growling as always. Popeye brawls with Oxblood, and eventually knocks him out with a corkscrew uppecut, winning the Oyls tax exemption for 10 days. Later that night, Popeye and Olive sing Sweet Pea a lullabye. Yep, a song from a mumbling cyclops and a screechy chick. Have fun sleeping kid.



Believing that Swee' Pea has the ability to predict the future, Wimpy asks to take him to the horse races. I guess it's less trouble than a future predicting camera, I guess.



Well, that or spying on Wimpy and Swee' Pea.

And to the shock of nobody, the baby actually pays off. Popeye and the Oyls confront Wimpy, but when he informs the family that Swee' Pea is a regular Lisa the Greek, they decide to join in on the gambling fun, much to the chagrin of Popeye. And with that, it's time for another song, "I Yam What I Yam", as Popeye sings about.... welll, being Popeye. And in comparison to the rest of the songs in this movie, this one's decent. It's a step up from his first song in the movie at least. He takes Swee' Pea, and exits stage left, while Bluto calls Wimpy over for some nice foreshadowing.

Popeye and Swee Pea also decide to leave the Oyl residence as well, still pissed at them using the lad for gambling purposes. Jesus, it's not like they were selling him for drugs or nothing. Upon entering his new home, he gets taxed heavily by the tax man, only to send him flying into the ocean.


My, what a conveniently placed slide.

The town becomes elated at Popeye sending the tax man into the water. And in the celebration, Wimpy kidnaps Swee' Pea and gives him to grunty Gus... I mean Bluto. Later that night, Popeye moans at the loss of the youngin, as Olive sings (Yep, song time again) about Popeye needing her, which follows to yet another song about Popeye missing Swee' Pea.


This sudden influx of songs doin' anything for ya?

Olive gets Wimpy to confess, as Bluto gives Swee' Pea to the commodore. A commodore with massive forearms and a love for spinach. Take a wild guess who it is? If you said it's Popeye's dad, you win the prize.



Here, have a slightly scratched copy of the Boomerang soundtrack.



Yep, indeed the commodore is Poopdeck Pappy, as Olive and Wimpy head to his boat to investigate. Pappy is a grumpy individual, who just so happens to hate pretty much everything. Well, everything except singing about hating everything, I guess. Yep, another song. Bluto takes this time to tie him up, which seems to not bother Pappy much, as he's still friggin' singing. After the song, Olive and Wimpy inform Popeye of his father's situation, as Bluto tries to get Swee' Pea to find the location of Pappy's treasure. Our hero storms into the commodore's boat, and finally reunites with his Pappy (while letting Bluto sneak away).

Pappy continues to deny that Popeye's his son, until he tells him to eat some spinach. Yep, it took an hour and a half, and the spinach is actually coming into play. However, this Popeye hates spinach. So he fake ingests it, as he frees his bickering pop. And in this time, Bluto somehow managed to kidnap Olive, while the whole town watches and does nothing in fear.

1 guy against 40 or so people. Come on..



So, it's time for the final confrontation, as Popeye, the Oyls, and Pappy set sail to catch Bluto, who's headed to Scab Island. And during the trip, Popeye and Pappy continue to bicker at one another. Leading to... kind've a song. Really just complaining with music in the background. They finally confront Bluto's boat, as Pappy gets cannon crazed, and proceeds to fire at it, and rams it, destroying their boat in the process. However, Olive and co. aren't even on the boat. Instead, they're rowing into Pirate's cove. Bluto dives in and grabs the treasure, unaware that the cove's being occupied by a rather pissed off giant rubber octopus.




Popeye and Bluto finally square off, with Bluto yet again beating the bejesus out of him. The two engage in a swordfight, and battle all around the cove, as the octopus gets ever so pissed, and tries to capture Swee' Pea.



If I weren't somewhat classy, I'd make a rather tasteless tentacle rape joke right about now....

But it's Pappy to the rescue, as he gets Swee' Pea to safety. While the swordfight ensues, Pappy opens his treasure chest, which contains spinach, and some of Popeye's baby stuff, proving I guess that the grumpy old douche has a heart after all.



Still too classy to make that joke.

Olive gets captured by the rubber octopus, while Popeye continues to get his ass kicked by Bluto. Pappy throws him some spinach, much to the displeasure of the whining Popeye. Bluto, being a moron, forces it down Popeye's throat.


Which works as well as you'd expect.



The spinach fueled sailor shoryuken's Bluto, and beats the calamari shit out of the rubber octopus. The octo goes flying, and Bluto turns yellow and swims away.



Literally.

And we end our movie with the only song that matters, the Popeye theme song.

And that's Popeye. It's.... meh. It's too long, too boring at times, and the acting is in the middle. When the movie picks up around the end, it does turn decent, but clocking in at almost 2 hours just doesn't help it. The songs are forgettable, which is a cardinal sin for something that's a musical. And while it tries to capture the feel of the shorts and comic strips, it just really fails. There's a reason Popeye cartoons are about 6 or 7 minutes tops. They establish the plot, and keep the humour and excitement around long enough to ensure they don't get boring. When you take that 6 minutes and multiply it by 19, you're gonna have some problems. It's not the worst live action adaptation, but it's still Tooncrap.