Can you feel the lawsuit tonight?
Dingo Pictures/Phoenix Games: Year Unknown
Originality is a trait that seems to be often lost nowadays. Most movies rely heavily on remaking or rebooting franchises, milking a successful formula for all it's worth, or just pulling out the same crap year after year. But I can actually commend all of them for their sloth because, they're nowhere as unoriginal as the idiots from Phoenix Games.
Phoenix Games is a European video game company that releases terrible budget PS2 titles such as White Van Racer, Extreme Sprint 3010, and the timeless Maniac Mole. Games so poorly made, it makes Ninjabread Man seem like Mario 64 in comparison.
Now you may be curious as to why I'm reviewing something from a company known as Phoenix Games. This isn't a video game review blog. You're right. And this isn't a video game. Phoenix Games wasn't just interested in horrid PAL PS2 games, they were interested in selling animated films for the PS2 as well. And they would align themselves with another offensive company called Dingo Pictures, a German animation company that makes half assed bootleg cartoons with a voice cast of 1, a budget of $0, and a severe lack of original characters or ideas. Take for instance this week's induction, Son of the Lion King.
It's kinda hard to feel Hakuna Matata when you have to deal with worrisome crap like this, but let's review this thing.
Get adjusted to the only good animation in the entire video, as we see the Phoenix Games logo, and another logo for another partner in crime known as the Code Monkeys. For as sleazy as he is, I don't think even Mr. Larrity and Gameavision would get their hands dirty with this crap. We then get our delightful title card as our lion king looks rather stoned with his tongue out, suggesting he's either going to eat that mouse, or he's infatuated with it. And with that, we go to the movie.
PPHHHhahahaha, goof lord this animation is horrible. I can understand a lack of a budget, but I've honestly seen flash movies on Newgrounds with better animation. We start it off with these two weasels (I guess) give us some poorly narrated back story as apparently the old lion was king again, and the evil black panther was driven off. And when i say poorly narrated, I mean it ("It was the... Animals owed it to little Robin cleverness that they could cheat the panther away"). The King apparently has the elephants guarding the border in case the panther returns.
Artists depiction of the people at Dingo Pictures?
No, these two monkeys are harassing a hippo, as we see out lion protagonist Simba...I mean Robin chasing an alligator, as older Simba and Zazu knockoffs watch on.
NotSimba gives Robin a stern lecture for chasing after the gator, to more poorly done English attempts.
Let's just recreate this.
Bird (Who sounds like Urkel): Robin, hold on, stop!
Robin: Are you crazy? I nearly overran you.
Urkel Bird: You have to go back to your father immediately.
Robin: Oh rubbish. Now Dundee got away.
Dundee (the gator's name i guess): Yes, and the.. something something ai yi yi! (I litterally have no frigging clue what he just said)
Robin: What's the matter Daddy?
NotSimba: Robin, you are hunting our subjects. That's no a job for a future king. You have to protect the animals. But what you are doing is putting them in fear and horror.
Robin: I was only playing.
Dundee (Who suddenly goes from Hispanic stereotype to Australian): Right, it was just a joke, we're just friends.
NotSimba: MMMM, even if it's just a joke, it's not done.
Random Bear(Why is there a grizzly bear in the jungle?): Exactly, I am not aloud to LaHunt anyone i want to either.
Robin: That's not the same, you wanna eat them.
NotSimba: Stop arguing. Joke here, joke there, I don't like it, finished.
We're just 3 minutes into almost a half hour, and I got a feeling the dialogue is going to go far more downhill.
So NotSimba tells robin and the gator to play something else, but to watch out for the black panther. And so they decide to play soccer.
So despite walking on his fours most of the time, Robin can walk normally when playing soccer? After that, and some constant reused footage, Robin talks to the monkeys who are quarreling over a banana, apparently like when they found diamonds. Robin's interested in finding the diamonds, and the group consisting of Robin, the gator, the monkeys, and the grizzly bear head off to find the vultures, who were apparently the black panther's spies. This is accompanied by what sounds like circus music, and what sound like springs bouncing. The vultures prove useless as they have no clue where the diamonds are. So, Robin, and Dundee the gator go off to find some diamonds. But before they do that, NotZazu goes off to warn the king. To which we get more nonsensical jabbering.
NotSimba: The diamonds, My god! I'd forgotten them completely. Naturally. he wants to get them back. And that silly Robin is going to take them out of the hiding place just for him.
(after some stick up his ass walking)
NotSimba: Stop immediately. Do we have to watch you every minute of the day? If the diamonds are in this area, then the panther is looking for them too. So be careful, and make sure he doesn't meet you Robin. Come home immediately.
Robin: panther here, panther there. Because of this crazy panther I'm not allowed to do anything. Maybe he's dead already...
And from there it's back to the talking weasel things, as we see that panther is contemplating a plan with his son, Mewmew. He sends an army of gorillas, who look just like the ones from Tarzan, to go after the diamonds, but looks for a scout to check the area. Mewmew volunteers, and he insults him. So, NotKala from Tarzan goes to comfort Mewmew, along with more awful lines..
Mewmew: Do you know where the hiding place is?
NotKala: It's not that easy. Do YOU know where the hiding place is?
The next day, Robin makes pointless conversation with everybody about trying to find the diamonds, when he runs into Mewmew. They argue with one another, and in it comes perhaps the most redundant thing ever uttered.
Robin: I don't believe you. You look like the bad black panther who used to lie.
Mewmew: My father doesn't lie.
Robin: Your father the black panther is your father?
After the worst cat hissing noises ever, a random thunderstorm (Or in the case of this crappy film, quick flashes of light) occurs. The two become friends, as Robin heads home following the "Storm". The next day, Robin decides he no longer has interest in the diamond hunt, as he goes to find Mewmew. And despite their early friendship, they argue again, and it's time for more of the worst hissing sounds ever. NotZazu shows up, as well as some poorly drawn elephants. And Notsimba comes back to give another nonsensical lecture. The duo are not allowed to see each other. Mewmew returns, gets insulted some more, and NotKala protects him. The next day, Robin and Dundee sneak off, and meet with Mewmew, who decides that they should go after the diamonds. They enter a cave, and fall into a pit.
The two cats end up trapped with the diamonds, as NotZazu goes to get NotSimba to give another lecture. Dundee the gator tries to get black panther to help. Black panther, feeling upstaged by his son, sends his gorilla army to the pit. But on their way, run into NotSimba, and we get more bad hissing. And while the two worst fathers in the animal kingdom quarrel, the monkeys save the two cubs. The two bad fathers have a truce, and the black panther turns somewhat face on Mewmew. He calls off his monkey army, and they all live happily ever after, i guess.
I've seen some horrid crap, but this one takes the cake. Abysmal animation, horrible voice work, nonsensical dialogue, plagiarism up the wazoo, and so many other things that make this one of the worst things I've inducted so far. And the worst thing is that they've done dozens more. But that's some mind torture for another time.