Blow Blow Gadget
Disney: 1999
It's time to expand out horizons here at Tooncrap. We've seen video game's to bad cartoons, 22 minute toy commercials, cheapquels, and Roger Rabbit's retched regurgitation, better known as Cool World. Now we enter a new realm of animated atrocity so horrid, That it really deserves the vitriol if gets from many fans of animation. And that realm is....
The live action movie adaptation.
When a franchise has seen so much success that Hollywood wants to cash in. And instead of something to the caliber of the animated series being brought to life on the big screen, It winds up dismal, boring, unfunny, or Inspector Gadget. Now, while Gadget has never been one of my favorite cartoons, it's still a great cartoon. Sure the episodes were too formulaic for their own good, but it was still fun, action packed, and had perhaps the most beloved cast of characters ever. From the determined but dim walking swiss army knife known as Inspector Gadget, the real hero of the cartoon Penny, her always awesome dog companion Brain, and the poor soul that is Chief Quimby. Why constantly give Gadget messages that self destruct?
I'd say just tell Gadget the info, but I can imagine that still blowing up in his face.
And of course there's the evil Dr. Claw, often shrouded in mystery as he strokes his little prick of a sidekick Mad Cat. They remain some of the most memorable characters from the 80's. And of course Disney, having succeeded with George of the Jungle (A movie that I will admit I liked) picked up the rights to the Gadget franchise, and went to work creating a live action film based on the series.
So, who would they cast for the lovable, bumbling Don Addams voiced inspector?
Matthew Broderick.
Ferris Freaking Bueller.
Nothing against Broderick. He can do a good job when he tries, but I find it hard to buy Ferris Bueller as Inspector Gadget. Hell, Rick Moranis as Barney Rubble made more sense.
And what of Dr. Claw? Perhaps one of the greatest faceless villains in animated history? Who do they get to play such a great villain?
Rupert Everett?
Okay, I mean, does he really have the voice for Claw? He's no Frank Welker, so unless we're actually going to show his face, then...
Wait, they are showing his face? So, the ominous, faceless villain is some pretty boy? Well, why am I shocked at all, really? I mean this is Disney.
So, let's put on our Go Go Gadget straight jacket, and let's go crazy. It's time to review this thing.
We start our movie with our soon to be cyborg John Brown (How long did it take for creative to come up with that name) as your typical, everyday happy-go-lucky cop. But his whistling and baton passing is put on hold as a bus speeds though town with no brakes. A bus that so happens to be carrying Penny (A post Harriet the Spy, Pre Dawn Summers Michelle Trachtenberg). However, more peril arises as a group of children are crossing the street. John does the most logical thing possible. Runs in front of a speeding bus. And he grabs the young children to safety. And throws the hook of a tow truck on the bus, stopping it from causing further damage. And if you were guessing this was all a dream, you win the prize. Let's see.
You can have this half colored McDonald's coloring calendar. Full of great facts like "McDonald's food is delicious", and that "McDonaldland was not ripping off the Krofft's in any way whatsoever."
Back to the movie.
Despite his cop aspirations, John is actually just a security guard living with his niece Penny, and her dog, Brain.
Later that night, at the lab John guards, we see out main love interest for the movie Brenda Bradford (Because Gadget needed a damn love interest), and her father working on the gadget project. Essentially robotic body parts that move through the power of love, or something saccharin like that. In this case, it's a robotic foot. I guess the Addams Family would sue if it was a moving hand. But evil looms outside of the lab, as our main villain, Sanford Scolex (Yeah, they couldn't just call him Claw from the beginning, he has to learn that on his own) waits outside in his limo, as John tries to continue his attempts at getting Brenda to like him. But his woeful wooing attempts will have to wait, as Scolex's gang of little robots (what could be considered Wall-E's evil cousins) crash into the lab, planning on stealing the gadget project. And of course, being Disney, Brenda's dad is killed.
Disney: The warmth and wonder of murder.
John, being a moron, decides to go after the robots in the armored vehicle. However, he doesn't make it far, as his car flips upside down and crashes into a post. Scolex, and his driver laugh, until the limo is crushed by a sign.
Yep, complete with the Yahoo yodel. Go Go Gadget shameless product placement.
Pissed at his destroyed vehicle, Scolex throws a Cigar/Dynamite stick at John's car, Causing it to explode. But not before a bowling ball in John's car ends up crashing through Scolex's sun roof, and crushing his hand. Wow. What a lackluster origin to his claw. No real dark reason for his deformity, just a really awful act of comedic convenience. So, with his car blown to smithereens, John Brown is surely dead?
Of course not. Brenda gets a visit from Ye mayoral douche (Played by Cheri Oteri), and a rather dickish Chief Quimby. Brenda decides that since John was conveniently injured in time, that he should be the man who will go through with the gadget project. So, it's like Robocop, only not compelling, unfunny, and since he's alive for all this, let's not take his feelings about being a walking talking pandora's box of goofball into any consideration. We see Gadget being built, and stuffed with all the essentials for the future of law enforcement, like light bulbs, mouse traps, and a slinky. As Gadget's being built, we head to stately Scolex manor.
As Scolex is fitted with his new claw, built by everyone's favorite human being, Andy Dick. Scolex decides to call himself Claw. One Name, like Madonna. Because Madonna and Rupert don't get along too well. See, it's funny because LAUGH! So Claw and Andy Dick goes through an unfunny as intestinal pain skit involving extra hands for Claw.
Gadget awakens, and soon realizes that something ain't quite right. Brenda tells him of what happens, and he doesn't take it well. When she tells him she'll be keeping an eye on him, he becomes less unhappy about the current situation. Back to Claw and the gang, as they try to use the technology they stole to build a robot of their own. More annoying Dickery, and Claw can't get the robot to do anything. Back to Gadget, and some more love interest stuff with Brenda (including an incident involving toothpaste)
With Gadget unable to control his machine powers, they send him a guru to help him. Blindfolded, gadget is informed by the guru to grab a pair of balls he set on the floor.
Well, he got it half right. He grabbed some balls.
..... wow, what a dirty joke for a Disney movie.
After castrating a poor guru, Brenda shows Gadget the Gadgetmobile (Voiced by D.L Hughley). The car drives Gadget around, and never shuts up, not before telling gadget to buckle up because it's a Disney movie.
These fourth wall breaking jokes doing anything for ya?
And it's time for Gadget's first case. Where he helps two carjackers steal a car. Well, at least he's still as inept as ever. But the gadget car brings the moron to his senses, and they chase after and catch the crooks. Gadget trips up one crook, causing him to literally see stars.
Claw realizes that Gadget is the security guard who caused the loss of his hand, and plans to encounter Gadget at the ceremony where he'll be brought into the police force. Where we get more romantic involvement with Gadget and Brenda, only to have Claw steal her away. Claw offers her a job at his company, and she agrees being the easily gullible cybernetic genius that she is. Gadget is also now an official law enforcer, and Chief Quimby, being the total dick he is, gives him menial jobs like street sweeper and hall monitor. When Gadget gets concerned about the lack of his abilities being put to good use, Quimby calls him useless, and tells him to get out of his sight. Not before the cat Gadget rescued earlier pisses in his coffee..
Testicle crushing and cat piss. That's what i think of when i think Disney.
Back to Claw and Dick as Claw puts his plan in motion. His plan being to create an evil Inspector Gadget using Brenda's information. The real Gadget is trying to find the killer of Brenda's father, as the fake one scares children and burns down signs. Hey, it's been over half the movie, I almost forgot about Penny and Brain, as we get some product placement for Skittles and M&M's, as she points out to Gadget that maybe Scolex Industries had something to do with the murder. He tries to inform Brenda of the situation, but she ends up having to deal with a robotic bimbo version of herself. Gadget enters Claw's building, as the guard is sleeping not.... paying...... Atten...
First Yahoo, and Skittles, now Homer gets dragged into this? The Simpsons isn't even Disney!
Gadget gets the robotic foot that Dr. Bradford made, but being the clumsy oaf he is, drops the foot, and falls from the ceiling.
Causing a crash so loud, it even woke Homer up.
Brenda goes after Gadget, and Brenda's pointless bimbo clone falls off a roof. But Gadget has some problems of his own, as Claw has him tied up, and ready to dissect. They speak with each other, and then Claw tells Gadget "somebody's been watching too many Saturday morning cartoons."
Dammit, even Ninja Turtles didn't break the fourth wall this much.
Claw's big plan is to create a robot army with the gadget project's technology, and to ensure success he orders Dick to destroy gadget. However Andy Dick proves to be as useful, as... Well... Andy Dick, and faints. Claw destroys Gadget's chip, and the good inspector becomes a lifeless puppet of the Disney organization.. Okay, just a lifeless puppet, and is sent to the dump. Brenda and Penny set off in the Gadgetmobile to find the real Gadget, as the fake one runs amok, and causes more pointless destruction, including a rather dumb Godzilla joke.
No, not that pointless. At least i was able to shoehorn another awful movie with Broderick in it.
The girls find Gadget in the dump, dead. With the chip destroyed it looks like Gadget's dead, and this movie can end on a bleak ending. No, it takes the power of love (or a kiss from Brenda) to bring him back to life. Boy, if all it took was a kiss to bring someone back to life, Simba should've puckered up on Mufasa. After dropping Penny off (Boy was she ever useless in this film), It's off to gind Claw. He tracks down Claw and DoppleGadget, and finally the two Gadgets square off. And while they duke it out, Brenda gets captured by Claw. Penny arrives, and is finally put to actual use in this movie. She enters the Scolex building, only to get captured at gunpoint by Claw's assistant Sykes.
Cat Piss, Testicle humor, and Now threatening to murder a child.
What happened to you?
The battle on the bridge between Gadget and DoppleGadget continues, as the scene essentially just involves in the two of them in runaway Shopping Carts. Brain rips out Claw's underwear, and Penny talks to the idiot assistant. Gadget eventually finally beats the fake, and uses the Gadget Copter to head back to the Scolex Building as Claw is taking Brenda in his chopper. Claw destroys Gadget's copter, and is about to send Gadget to his doom. But Gadget defeats him with of all things, the inside of a pen, as Brenda escapes, and the two parasol to safety. But before they can resume their love fest, Claw tries to escape in the Gadgetmobile. Which doesn't work, as he gets caged and arrested, Not before saying the infamous "I'll get you next time Gadget!"
So, Gadget and Brenda live happily ever after, at least until Inspector Gadget 2 (and there IS an Inspector Gadget 2). And during the credits we get a never ending barrage of what happened to the rest of the cast you didn't care about. RoboBrenda is an aerobics instructor, the henchman is in a minion recovery group, and Penny gets her wrist communicator, which gives us a rather cringe worthy cameo from Don Adams, the original voice of Inspector Gadget.
And that's Inspector Gadget. Easily one of the worst live action adaptations of a great animated show ever. None of the characters have the charm of the original. The shameless product placement fourth wall breaking, and juvenile humor is awful. Gadget does not need a love interest, and the story just blows. But the worst thing about it is, there's a sequel. But that's an induction for another time. Next week, it's back to the realm of the animated. Our next induction celebrates Woman's History Month with one of the most iconic female toys ever, as she tries to rip off a far better franchise. That's right, our next induction is Barbie and the Rockers.