The Wrong Stuff
ABC: 1990
Like 3D glasses and the Yo-Yo, everything always seems to make a come back after a long period of absence. Unfortunately, one of those things is the "Tough but Non Threatening" boy band gimmick. This Generation has the Purity Ring whoring Disney moppets the Jonas Brothers, The 90's saw the insanity of Backstreet Boys, N*Sync, 98 Degrees, The Children of the Corn.... I mean Hanson, etc. Though one can trace the interest in all male pop groups all the way back to the days of the Monkees, all boy bands now and always model themselves off of one group, and one group in particular. That group being The New Kids on the Block.
If you grew up in the late 80's, you know of the success these lads produced. A merchandising bonanza, chart topping songs, and they even nice enough to give us band member Donnie Wahlberg's brother Marky Mark. That was nice of them... I guess. You couldn't escape their sappy, yet catchy tunes like "You got it (The Right Stuff)", "Hangin Tough", or "Step By Step". And unfortunately if you thought that Saturday mornings were free of them, you would be wrong. Because the big wigs at ABC decided that the New Kids needed their own cartoon on Saturday Mornings. Now young girls all over the world could get wet to animated versions of Jordan, Donnie, and the rest. Just count your blessings they weren't solving mysteries in every episode i guess, or you could swear it was made from Hanna Barbera. But no, this was a total Dic Move.
So, was the New Kids toon "The Right Stuff"? Let's take a "Step by Step" look, It'll be hard to do, but I'm sure we'll be "Hangin' Tough" by the end. So "Please don't go Girl"......
"GET ON WITH IT!"
Okay, fine. If i kept making song related puns, we'd be here until "Summertime"...
If you wondered what era this show was from, you'd have no problem guessing by looking at the opening alone. From its flashes of neon, and Mixture of the live action and animated counterparts of the New Kids, you'd get that nostalgic feeling of all the stuff you're glad never made it past the early 90's. So, we get our shots of the Animated NKOTB as they run from their rabid female fans, and a mix of the actual New Kids performing to a large audience of teens, making their ginies tickle.
Let's look at one of the few episodes that actually made it to video apparently, "Sheik of my Dreams".
We start every episode with a member of the group talking. And almost every time they sound bored out of their minds. So, we get Jordan Knight in this one talking about finding the girl who would love him for who he is, spliced with concert footage. So, despite the money, the fame, and the female groupies willing to pop their cherries for a chance at being the "New chick on the Cock", he would rather a girl want him for who he is. What a sensitive shmuck. And with that add the thought of Jordan's junk to the list of Disturbing moments alongside Naked Albano, and Moolah going down on herself.
So, we start the actual animated episode with what appears to be Carl Winslow from Family Matters leading the band and their manager into their hotel room, as the group are surprised at the lack of female fans. But just as they think they're free from insane teen girl love, it's all for naught as apparently the "Fan Central" as they call it, are always spying on them, ready to somehow have a crowd of rabid fans at the ready wherever the New Kids are at. And for some reason, this scene is spliced with clips of actual rabid New Kids fans.
Damn, these screwballs mean business.
And despite the rabid underage poon, Jordan laments on how he just wants a girl to love him for him. But with the lunatics apparently escaped from the asylum surrounding their hotel, escape is impossible. And to ensure they don't escape, Biscuit, their bodyguard litters the floor outside the room with pizza boxes with motion detectors inside.
But it fails, as apparently the group still manage to escape, and head to the mall. And instead of using a logical disguise, they dress up like lovable Arabian stereotypes.
and apparently despite being apparently the most famous faces on the planet, nobody notices them as they give away pictures of themselves. So even when hiding from their fans, they find an ample time to shill. But before you can say, what's the actual plot to this episode, we learn of a sultan who just so happens to live in Beverly hills in a bit old Agrabah style mansion. The Sultan's daughter Kalila is sick of his old fashioned ways. The Sultan (Voiced by James Avery BTW) sends his servant Fahib to find 5 eligible bachelors for his daughter to choose from. And back to the New kids, who are still shilling photos.
With sexy cartoony results.
But their sheiky baby act soon fails, as the gang once again runs from their insane fans. And the gang teach us a valuable lesson about going into a strangers car, as they enter Fahib's limo. So Fahib informs our heroes of the situation, and Jordan loves the thought of King Ahmed's (Who sadly seems to not be eating any reef at the moment) Daughter being new in town. And we cut to Some seizure inducing 90's stock footage as Jordan gives us some words to live by...
Jordan Knight: Seeing me.. in a cartoon show... is kinda putting me in a fantasy land.
Indeed it is Mr. Knight, Indeed it is.
So the lads enter the sheik's pad on Beverly Drive as they are greeted by King Ahmed. And for some reason, Donnie decides to play game show, as we play "Pick your guy", which, let's be honest, is as rigged as Spin the Choice. So, the gang persuades her into Picking Jordan and she does. And after a little music video, the gang learns that Jordan is to be wed to Kalila. And backing out of it is a no go, as Fahib threatens to decapitate them if they don't go through with the wedding.
So after those messages, we're right back with Teen Toon News. a segment that's thrown in every episode, as we pretty much learn that the New Kids may be late for their upcoming concert. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott, Biscuit, and the show's decided animal mascot, a dog named Nico, are off to find the New Kids. As we get more words of dead pan wisdom from our pal Jordan.
Jordan Knight: Nico's Slick. Nico's Sly..
Words of a poet.
As our heroes, dressed like Aladdin's stunt doubles try to escape, they get caught by Fahib, and old man head choppy goes after them. Meanwhile Jordan Sneaks into the room where Kalila is arguing with her farther. After the lovey dovey speech about wanting a girl to like them for being themselves between Jordan and Kalila, we're back to the main plot, and the New Kids avoiding decapitation. Wow, Aladdin couldn't get away with "They will cut off your ear if they don't like your face", yet New Kids can get away with head chop happy Arabs. What a crazy world. So it's a camel chase through Beverly Hills, as the manager and bodyguard chase after as well. So after some wacky hijinks, They finally tell Kalila's father of the situation, he calls of Fahib, and Jordan and Kalila say their goodbyes, and we end the show with a sappy New Kids song called "I'll be loving you" I guess.
So yeah, that's new Kids on the Block the Animated Series. What an ego trip. Outside of the mild racism, and the fact that the New Kids seem to be like Jesus incarnate to the horny young girls of the world, It's a pretty bland show. Definitely one of Dic's more forgettable shows. But before I go, let's talk quickly about a certain moment from another episode.
The plot of the episode "Step out of Time" involves the new kids meeting a pair of dancing siblings, the New kids join in, and show off their dance moves...
Essentially this.
I know the dancing in the early 90's was bad, but i don't believe there was ever a time "the half assed jig, and limp wrist Charleston" were ever in style. It's an absolute piece of goofiness, and just sums up the insanity of this whole cartoon. And for as bad as the show was, count your blessings we at least don't have to deal with a Jonas Brothers Cartoon. Though dealing with them at all is bad enough.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've had my fill of cheesy pop fluff. I'm off to listen to some REAL music.