Well, we've finally made it. The 62nd and final book of the original Goosebumps series. And what better book to ride us into the sunset on than the series I've hated the most in this whole run. Can the fourth one... Oh who am I kidding, of course it's gonna stink too. It's Monster Blood IV AKA A Monster Retcon.
COVER STORY
So, you might be a little confused with this cover. Where's the monster blood? Where's the iconic green slime that we've seen in the past three books? What's with the weird blue slugs? I assure you, we'll get to what this is about soon enough. As for the cover, it's fine. The slug monsters are well detailed and you have your standard Jacobus traits of warping and checkered floors. They give a few of the slugs personality, particularly the one in the shower being filled with water. Technically, it's fine. As a cover to sell you on MONSTER BLOOD, it doesn't do a damn thing, unless this is somehow your first exposure to Monster Blood, and even then you're left in the dark. Again, fine cover.
STORY
Oh look. It's Evan again. How you been, buddy? It's been like 30+ books since we last caught up, and I must say... I've enjoyed this vacation. In fact, the whole gang is here. Andy, Kermit and Conan. And yes, from the get go of this book, we're still ignoring that the original monster blood was brought to life by Sarabeth the witch. No, this is now a world where all monster blood has magical properties because we need an excuse to make lazy cash grabs. Best to get this corrosive salt out of me early so I can cover this proper. So Evan is still thinking about monster blood due to having to wear a green jacket in the winter time. He's also still tasked with babysitting Kermit, his nerdy super genius cousin who was a thorn in his side for most of the previous book.
On his way to Kermit's Evan gets caught by Conan who stomps on his foot, then threatens to pound him for getting his shoes dirty. He decides to show mercy and let Evan go, when Kermit shows up and makes things worse, leading to Evan getting beaten up. Yeah, it turns out that Kermit is still a brat that gets Evan in trouble. He also delights in the possibility of growing up to be a mad scientist, using Evan as his guinea pig. This includes putting a live tarantula on Evan to test the theory of if fear will cause them to attack.
Oh, and if you think Kermit's bad enough, it seems that Andy is still as much of a sociopath as she was in the last two books, pranking Evan with an empty monster blood can. After that test, the kids go out to have a water gun fight in the freezing weather. And wouldn't you know it, they end up soaking Conan's sneakers. Before Evan can get beaten up AGAIN, Andy grabs another monster blood can and opens it, only for spring snakes to pop out and scare everyone. After that, we get another experiment involving white mice where Kermit built an electric fence over the yard, which causes both Evan and later Conan to get electrocuted and the mice to run off. Conan takes his anger out on Evan once more. So, is this book going to just be 80% Evan getting his ass kicked? Because that seems like the case right now.
Despite Kermit being the one who throughout this book so far has been getting Evan beaten up, he does say that he'll help with the Conan issue. That night, Evan has a dream where he sees the mice eating green monster blood and growing gigantic. The mice then chew him to pieces, which I'll admit is a pretty creepy visual. Oh, and I hope you enjoyed that scene with the green monster blood, BECAUSE THAT'S ALL YOU GET OF IT IN THIS BOOK! Evan and Kermit are awakened by Andy in the middle of the night, holding another can of monster blood. Only this time it's not a prank, it's the real deal. She found some behind the conveniently placed laboratory in town. And, NOT LEARNING HER LESSON FROM THE LAST TWO BOOKS wants to use it on Conan to get revenge. Evan tells her not to use it and she "promises" to just hide it somewhere instead.
But Kermit grabs the can and opens the lid anyway. Evan tries to stop it, but somehow the wind is strong enough to blow the can on to the roof of the garage. But what oozes out of the can isn't the green goo we're accustomed to. Instead, it's some sort of blue substance. Evan gets the blue monster blood, but before he can do anything, Conan shows up again. Kermit saves Evan for once, causing Conan to get zapped by the fence once again. After Conan leaves, the kids investigate the monster blood, which starts to move on its own. It's alive, but not a mass of slime like last time. This version looks more like a slug creature with stalk eyes and purple lips. Much like what you see on the cover.
The monster blood creature gets away from them and starts drinking out of the water hose. It inflates to the size of a basketball before exploding into a mass of goo. However, what emerges from the mass is two of the monster blood slugs. They get into more water and split into four. More and more incidents occur where the monster blood drinks water and multiplies. And with each multiplication, the slugs get meaner and more dangerous. Eventually the kids gain the upper hand and put the monster blood creatures into a trash bag and hide it from Kermit's mom.
So, it turns out that Kermit, despite being a genius, is also an idiot. First off, they put the monster blood in a plastic bag, which since the creatures have grown teeth, the bag can easily be chewed through. Second, and most damning, he put the plastic bag under the sink in the bathroom. Where he also put a hair growth formula. So how Evan, Andy and Kermit have hundreds of razor toothed tribbles to deal with. Kermit suggests the electric fence, so the three of them try to swat the creatures into the fence. But, Kermit conveniently forgot to turn it on, causing the creatures to land in Conan's backyard. Before he can pound Evan again, the monsters explode again, and start attacking him.
The electric fence idea doesn't seem to work on the slugs, so the next plan is to try and use hot sauce that Kermit's mom makes. But Kermit's dog Dogface knocks the pot over, spilling its contents on the ground. Some of the monster blood eats it, and it just makes them more ferocious, to the point where some attack Dogface, damn near killing the dog. Wow, last book in the original series and we get some animal abuse. You were pent up, Stine! There are now so many monsters that even the police have to get involved. Before the kids can do anything, the monster blood swarms them and starts ferociously attacking. Then, in the most random act of deus ex machina in all of these books, the monster blood all start attacking each other, until only one remains and dies as well. Sure, it's an ending. I'll take it.
But the book isn't quite finished yet, as soon Evan, Andy and Kermit are greeted by a man in a work suit. He introduces himself as Professor Eric Crane. He created these monster blood creatures as some sort of underwater combat fighting force. It's not very well explained why he created this fighting force, but since they were too aggressive, he got rid of the cans. By getting rid of them of course, he didn't mean destroying them, but just tossing them out of the lab. He asks for complete confidentiality on this whole situation, to which Evan, Andy and Kermit promise.
TWIST ENDING
Despite that, there's still some blue monster blood left in a can, to which Andy, still being an idiot, suggests leaving in Conan's yard so it can scare him. What could go wrong, she suggests like an idiot. Oh, right. Conan mistakes it for blue candy and eats it. Now he can't stop drinking water, and there's more and more Conans around and they're getting meaner. THANKS ANDY!!!
CONCLUSION
Monster Blood IV is hands down the worst Goosebumps book. For as lazy and poorly thought out Monster Blood III was, this one is somehow even stupider. We spend half of this book with Evan just constantly being a victim of bratty Kermit, just like the last book, then spend the second half of the book with stupid kids trying to get rid of another threat, only for Andy to once again treat it like it's not a threat at the very end. I said it before, having her act like using monster blood as a revenge tool takes away any threat the stuff was supposed to have. Monster blood should be treated as a threat, as something traumatic and dangerous. It doesn't help matters that this is the third occasion that Andy has done this, suggest using monster blood as a tool to get some fun in at the expense of others. It cheapens not only the monster blood, but turns Andy into a sociopath of sorts. Since this book repeats itself so damn much, I'll say it again. It would have made more sense to have Andy be revealed to be Sarabeth somehow.
And honestly, if you took out the characters, this isn't a Monster Blood book to begin with. Hell, Stine makes that clear by the end with the whole scene with Professor Crane explaining that it was some sort of science experiment, not what was originally a toy that was possessed by a witch (need I remind you, R.L. Stine!). Part of me thinks this really was never going to be a Monster Blood sequel, but Stine or someone else suggested adding in elements from Monster Blood so that the marquee value of a fourth Monster Blood book could perhaps boost sagging sales. Considering that this book is a rarity in the original series, that didn't work so well. It's sad that after what was R.L. Stine's upswing in quality, it all fell right down a long elevator shaft with this one. And for the last book in the original 62 as well, it's a shame to see it stoop so low. Monster Blood IV gets an F.
And that is it for the original 62 Goosebumps books. The series would continue from here, but under the brand new title of "Goosebumps Series 2000". Maybe somewhere down the line, we'll look at that series, but for now we've reached the end of this marathon. Well, that's not entirely true. We still have one more article to cover before we finish things off for good. So come back next time for my ultimate ranking of the original 62.
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