Gooseblog: Goosebumps #3: Monster Blood

It's slime time in this, our third edition of Gooseblog. Goosebumps is nothing without its books that spawned multiple sequels, and the earliest to do so is a little series about some bubblin', puddlin' goop. It's Monster Blood AKA R.L Stine vs Nickelodeon Gak.

COVER STORY

Tim Jacobus comes back strong with this second cover for the series. Another wonderful mixture of colors throughout the cover that somehow don't clash with one another. It just looks inviting with its mixture of shadowy blues and warm orange light. Jacobus is amazing with shadows and perspective and this has both in spades as we see the trickling green ooze fall from stair to stair. A random pair of glasses caught in the middle making for a good accent. Scare levels are definitely low on this one, but that doesn't stop it from being one of the most memorable.

STORY

Evan Ross is our protagonist for this story. Our whiny, redheaded protagonist. He's protesting with his mother against being forced to stay with his great aunt Kathryn while his parents search for a new home in Atlanta. And, considering how pouty Evan is, I can see the parents haste in dumping him off to anyone, including Kathryn, who has been deaf for twenty years. Evan doesn't trust Kathryn, especially since their first meeting literally involves her brandishing a bloody butcher knife. But Evan still settles in, still whining about no Nintendo or computer. But at least he has his trusty cocker spaniel Trigger to keep him company.

After being attacked by Kathryn's pet cat Sarabeth, Evan takes Trigger out for a walk around the neighborhood. This is where he runs into a girl named Andrea, or Andy for short. Andy particularly likes to lovingly mock Evan and call everything stupid. A character in these books pointing out how everything is stupid and we're only three books in? Even Jovial Bob's getting meta already. They head into an old toy store and continue to joke about how everything is stupid. Evan manages to wander into a back room with a bunch of broken toys. It's here that he finds a blue can with a label that says "Monster Blood: Surprising Miracle Substance". After fighting with the Wilford Brimley-looking store owner, Evan and Andy leave with the monster blood and take it up to his room.

They return to Evan's room and open the can of monster blood, revealing a green substance inside that's sort of like Jell-O, but works just like some sort of Silly Putty. It can stretch, glow, bounce really high. Andy loves the stuff, but Evan, being the eternal wet blanket, complains that it's no different from any of the other store brand goop toys. they play with the monster blood outside some more until a chunk of it is thrown near Trigger, who ends up eating it. First you kill Petey, now you almost poison Trigger? What is with you and dogs, Stine? Despite monster blood being potentially toxic, Evan just shrugs any concern over Trigger and goes about his business.

Evan later runs afoul of the local bullies Rick and Tony Beymer, who seem intent of bludgeoning him for really no reason until Andy makes the save. So they just knock her bike on top of her, then proceed to steal it. If that's not bad enough, Evan comes back home to see Trigger choking on his dog leash in the backyard, as if it somehow got smaller. He shrugs this off as well, and he and Andy return to the monster blood, which is now oozing out of the small can. It's gone from a cold, rubbery substance to a warm slime. regardless, the two kids have a monster blood fight and cover each other in the stuff. When they finish up, they go to Trigger, only to find that he's doubled in size.

This brings us to a double whammy of nightmares as Evan dreams that a pony-sized Trigger is chasing the Beymer twins and he can't stop him, and then another dream where he sees himself turned into a giant. And unlike the last dream sequence we had back in Dead House, the former is far less implausible as after another encounter with Rick and Tony, a now sheep dog sized Trigger does wind up chasing after them. He finds the dog later and then finds he has another problem on his hands as the monster blood continues to grow bigger and bigger. To the point where Evan has to give some to Andy just so he can contain it. On his way home however, he gets caught by Rick and Tony, and they beat the high holy crap out of him. I mean, for a kids book, I wasn't expecting the protagonist to get socked in the cheek and punched in the breadbox. I guess if Stine can't kill kids in these books, he can sure wound them.

Things continue to go from bad to worse as the monster blood is filling up so rapidly that he has to put it all in an old bathtub. Sarabeth the Cat, who seems like she's out to literally kill Evan, jumps on his back and knocks him into the tub.  He manages to escape, then calls Andy to bring the monster blood back to the toy store. However, in incredible timing, the toy store has gone out of business. They try to stuff the monster blood in a trash can, but it gets loose and seems to have a mind of its own. It chases after the kids, sucking up the Beymer twins in the process. They make it back to Aunt Kathryn's, and she says that this was all her fault. She made the monster blood come to life because she was being told to do so by the cat.

But it turns out that that's not as crazy as it sounds, because Sarabeth then turns into a human witch. Twenty years ago, Sarabeth lodged with Kathryn, but then forced Kathryn to be her slave, depriving her of her hearing, and not allowing her to learn sign language. Then she had Kathryn curse the monster blood so it would grow and ultimately kill Evan. Yeah, this I guess is the best explanation we can get. It does feel like one of Stine's patented 'last minute' twists. Sarabeth has the monster blood advance on Evan and Andy, but Trigger shows up in time to tackle Sarabeth, causing her to fall into the monster blood and be eaten alive. The monster blood shrinks to tennis ball size, the Beymer Twins are freed, Trigger returns to normal size, and Kathryn gets her hearing back too. Stine's really pulling a mega happy ending here.

TWIST ENDING

Evan's mom shows up, ready to take him to their new Atlanta home. Braves baseball, woo! Evan says farewell to Andy and even offers her the monster blood as a memento of this whole, weird couple of weeks. However, when the kids look down, the monster blood has vanished. Don't worry kids, it'll be back sixteen books from now.

CONCLUSION

Monster Blood is a bit of a mess, pardon my phrasing. Not the worst thing ever, but still a mess. I do feel Evan was a bit of a whiner, and perhaps too much of a pessimist for even my takes. Thankfully we have Andy as backup for this story, shining as a bright spot of optimism for sullen, moaning Evan. The book's pacing feels all over the place as we have to focus from one issue to another. From "does Aunt Kathryn hate Evan" to "Evan runs afoul of the Beymer Twins. And again. And again." In doing so, the book really feels like it sacrifices the quality of its final twist at the last minute. I mean, Stine did set up Sarabeth as a threat to Evan early on, but even with all that, this ending comes out of nowhere as an excuse to give us some explanation as to how the monster blood came alive. I dunno. Part of me feels like Stine didn't really map this story through, got caught with a plot hole, then was like "screw it. Add witches", and sent this out to Scholastic. And for all my wild claims about Jovial Bob, something tells me I'm right about that. Monster Blood gets a slimy C- rating. But at least I don't have to deal with it ever aga-

*Sees that there are three more sequels, all staring Evan.*