It's Raw episode seven once again emanating from the Manhattan Center with Vince McMahon, Macho Man, and Rob "Elvis" Bartlett on commentary. We don't even get the opening theme as we go right to action with a WWF title match between champion Bret "The Hitman" Hart defending against Headshrinker Fatu.
And if you thought I was just making some passing joke about Elvis, sadly this is no joke. Really. The only joke is the joke of a commentator in Rob Bartlett who I guess got a bit of a high from his Schwarzenegger impression last week and is now dressed Elvis (Presumably right before he died on the toiler) an doing a terrible impression. And the real horrifying this is we're gonna have to deal with this ALL NIGHT LONG! Was the whole Elvis abduction jokes really still a major thing in '93? I know a lot of cartoons ran with that joke for a while.
Solofa Fatu started wrestling in 1985 and is a member of the extensive Anoa'i/Fatu/Maivia Samoan lineage in professional wrestling. He and his cousin Samu were teaming together since the mid-80's as the Samoan Swat Team, you basic Samoan savage gimmick. They'd work for the WWC, WCCW, and WCW among other promotions until being brought into the WWF under the new name of The Headshrinkers. We'll see a lot of this team throughout this retrospective, but Fatu will last the longest. Of course many people more fondly remember Solofa Fatu for his run in the Attitude Era of the WWF as Rikishi Phatu, who at one point was white hot in popularity for his dancing, and of course, his patented Stinkface.
And of course most modern fans know Rikishi as the father of the current WWE tag team champions (at the time of this writing) the Usos. I'm not going to really chat much on modern wrestling in this retrospective as this is more to look at the past and the perilous ups and downs of the mid-90's WWF, but it's still kinda cool to see how stuff like the Samoan wrestling heritage is still going strong.
Bret attempts to lock up on Fatu, but gets shoved initially. He gets a headlock in, but gets shoved. Attempts to take Fatu down gets met with a body slam. Bret manages to get the Samoan down and works in knees and an armbar. Fatu breaks out, but is quickly put back in. Afa (The manager of sorts to the Headshrinkers) trips Bret, but he still manages a quick roll up for a two count. Bret goes back in on the arm while Bartlett just won't call it quits on the stupid Elvis shtick.
Bret sends Fatu face first into the mat, but he no sells it, and lands a huge kick to the face. Bret attempts to hiptoss Fatu, but gets met with a clothesline for a near fall. Fatu works down on Bret with a nerve hold and several headbutts. It's really hard to pay attention to this match while "Elvis" challenges Colonel Parker to a match next week. Fatu gets an elbow to the face for another near fall, as Samu heads to ringside. Bret manages to get a cross body for a near fall, but ends up being attacked by Samu while easily distracted Earl Hebner deals with Afa.
We return from break with Bret still beat down on the outside due to the assault from Samu. Returning to the ring does him no favors as Fatu continues his offense. He lands a ring shaking Irish whip into the turnbuckle, and follows with a back breaker for another two count. Bret's has a bloody nose, and the headbutts of Fatu are certainly not helping matters. Nor will a bite to the face. Fatu lands a piledriver, but it's still not a three count. Elvis is hungry and wants to nibble on Bret's nose. I don't know if I should applaud Bartlett for being the first cannibal Elvis, or want to punch him in the throat.
Sidewalk slam from Fatu and a huge headbutt from the top rope still doesn't manage to get the three count. Fatu goes up again, but Bret pops up and racks him on the rope, and follows with a big superplex, but only gets a two count. Patented corner bulldog from Bret only manages a two. Backbreaker and the patented second rope elbow from the Hitman. He sets up Fatu for the Sharpshooter as Afa distracts Hebner to ensure a cheap shot by Samu. Samu pulls twin magic and tries for a pinfall, just to have Fatu get right back in for some reason. Bret gets a collision on both Headshrinkers, getting Samu caught in the ropes. Russian leg sweep on Fatu, and a dropkick to Afa as Bret lacks in the Sharpshooter on Fatu to retain the title.
This was a great title match. Started a tad slow, but really picked up with the inclusion of Samu. Bret spent a bit too much time as face in peril like his match with Razor at the Rumble, but at the end it's really hard to complain when we actually get a decent wrestling match on Raw and not just another jobber match. And what do we cut to after such a great match?
Why, Elvis Bartlett stuffing his face with hot dogs and popcorn. Get it, because Elvis was fat.
We cut to the Wrestlemania Report with Gene Okerlund who tells us that Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake, the recently coined "Mega Maniacs" will challenge Ted Dibiase and IRS for the tag titles at Wrestlemania. And despite Hulk Hogan being at Wrestlemania, surprisingly the show still hasn't sold out with like a month to go. Along with that, our card for the event include Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez, Tatanka vs Shawn Michaels for the Intercontinental Title, Mr. Perfect vs. Lex Luger, and Bret Hart taking on challenger Yokozuna for the WWF championship. And this shill for Wrestlemania turns into a sudden reference to the Joey Buttafuoco situation.
We cut to Hawaii (I'm gonna assume it's Hawaii at least. Lord knows it could just be some random beach) as Vince interviews Crush who just had himself a little swim. And I swear to god I've never heard a man use the word "brudda" more in one sentence than Crush. Hell, even Hogan would be impressed. He grabs a coconut and crushes it, saying that will the fate of Doink at Wrestlemania.
Speaking of Doink, it's time for said Dork the Doink Dork Clown to take on Koko B. Ware. Doink comes to ring side with a present in hand as he squirts audience members with his lapel. I'll also mention that I love Koko's "Bird" theme for how corny it is. Elvis Bartlett mistakes Koko for Gary Coleman because... hell if I know.
Doink starts off with a cheap shot to Koko and works on the legs. He locks in an STF and follows with a spinning toe hold and more kicks. Spinning neckbreaker by Doink and a stump puller for a quick tap out. Kind of a nothing match which is a shame as Koko would have done better.
Doink is interviewed by Elvis Bartlett because what we needed was more Bartlett talking. Doink opens his present which turns out to be a tiny pie. But this turns out to be a mere ruse as Doink reveals a larger banana cream pie which he hits Elvis in the face with. Are we supposed to be angry with Doink over this? For making Bartlett look like the ass he is he just became one of the greatest babyfaces in WWF history!
Vince is in the ring to interview Money Inc. "Irwin" chants from the crowd. Dibiase starts by talking about how James Robinson of American Express is stepping down, and how they're giving him a mere 700k a year and a 1.1 million dollar severance. Oh no, how can he live? He brings up the Mega Maniacs and how he hoped he'd never hear Hulk Hogan's theme again. Frankly I wish that was true as well, Ted.
He talks about how Hogan has gone soft by going Hollywood, and that Jimmy Hart was an overpaid gopher. IRS tries to cut a promo as the crowd goes full "Irwin", and mentions that he gave Brutus a wake up call, and if they did that to Beefcake, then what will stop them from giving him a shot with the "beefcase". They even have a picture of Hogan shoddily taped on the briefcase. Dibiase says that they're not afraid of the Mega Maniacs, so they'll put the titles on the line at Wrestlemania, which we were already well aware of.
It's time for action as "The Narcissist" Lex Luger is in action with P.J Walker. Elvis Bartlett really wants Luger to "make those boobies dance". Vince shills some new show called "Matrix" coming up after Raw.Sadly no Keanu Reeves in sight. Also P.J Walker, the little boy that nobody liked would grow up to be one Justin Credible. We'll see more of him in the years to come though under a different persona.
Luger starts off with a clubbing shot to the back of Walker and a hard whip to the turnbuckle followed by another. While this is going down, we hear Bobby Heenan on the phone. Luger gets a pretty crisp vertical suplex. However, we were hoping for something decent from Heenan on the phone, but it turns out that he thinks Elvis is George Steinbrenner, and he can prove it because Bobby just happens to have Priscilla Presley with him. Just a mess of a segment. Back in action as Luger gets a stiff shoulder block and a pinky pin in another little offense jobber match.
Luger isn't done with Walker as he throws him out, and tells us that he's just more or less a "normy" while Luger is a real man. Vince then plugs our next match featuring the Steiner Brothers Rob and Scott who...
ROB and Scott?
It's RICK and Scott of the Steiner Brothers in a match taking on Barry Hardy and the future Gillberg Duayne Gill. Savage gives Vince a bit of chastising for screwing up the Steiner name as Scott starts with offense on Hardy. We're told that they'll face the Headshrinkers at Wrestlemania as Scott lands a big belly to belly. Tag to Rick who clotheslines Barry Hardy over the top rope. Scott throws him back in the ring as Rick sends him back into the corner. Tag to Gill who immediately gets back body droped and a hit with a tilt-a-whirl back breaker. Tag to Scott who gets a stiff pumphandle slam on Gill. Big dropkick to the chest of Gill. Tag to Rick who continues offense. Tag back in to Scott who lands a stiff underhook powerbomb. Big frankensteiner from Scott gets the pinfall.
The Steiner squashes are ones I definitely love watching because compared to the previous ones with Luger and Doink, you know you're gonna get some serious offense, and it feels a lot less like another bland squash.
Vince invites Elvis to come back next week as we'll see Mr. Perfect against Rick Martel and a tag match between Virgil and Tito Santana against Money Inc. And we end fittingly with Savage throwing popcorn at Bartlett.
While nowhere as bad as last week thanks to a severe lack of Hulk Hogan, this Raw was an average show hindered by Rob Bartlett's Elvis Shtick. I just don't get what Vince saw in this guy to keep him around for the last couple months on commentary. He's not funny, he has no clue about wrestling in general made well known by the fact that he never really calls any of the action, and his impressions are horrendous. When Raw had Bobby Heenan in his place for one week it was an infinitely better show with his commentary. But thankfully the end is in sight as we're nearing the end of one Rob Bartlett on the announce booth.
As for everything else, the WWF title match was pretty good, but then again it's hard to have a bad match with Bret Hart, and the Headshrinkers proved a good challenge to the champion. The Doink and Luger matches were perhaps the most "nothing" matches of all time, while I did have fun with watching Rick and Scott Steiner beat the everloving crap out of their opponents. However, I noticed they never aired the outcome of the Undertaker vs Skinner. I assume they did instead on Superstars of All American Wrestling instead. Overall, a show that felt like it had more time to breathe, and had for the most part better wrestling. If it had better commentary, it would get a better rating, but for as it is it's a B-.