It's the ninth edition of WWF Monday Night Raw and we're live not from the Manhattan Center, but the Mid-Hudson Civic Center in Poughkeepsie, New York. And we're welcomed not by the voice of Vince McMahon...
But by Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. However, we're also greeted by "Not Vince McMahon" Rob Bartlett. You know how a couple weeks ago I said I wanted Bobby back? Not this way. But if anyone can carry this show with Bartlett I definitely have more faith in Monsoon and Heenan than I do Vince and Macho Man. So where are Vince and Macho Man? At the first annual Michael Landon Lukemia awards dinner, where Vince is going to get a special award from Hulk Hogan. I'm surprised Hogan had the free time in between smashing Beefcake's face in with a briefcase. Beefcake wanted to come, but Hogan told him he couldn'. Brutus responded with "at least you noticed me Hogan-Senpai!"
As for the rest of the show, the original card for Raw tonight has been changed due to New York getting hit with a big blizzard. So while we will see Typhoon in action, it won't be against Bam Bam like advertised the week prior.
Opening action for tonight's Raw is Razor Ramon taking on Russ Greenburg. And it's here where I realized "oh god, Rob's gonna commit to this fake Vince shtick all night". Razor hands his gold chains to a man at ringside and promises imminent death if anything happens to them. Considering the character is based off Tony Montana, it'd wise to not take this as an idle threat.
Hard rights by Razor, who then throws Greenberg hard. Razor lands a huge fallaway slam as Rob mumbles in Vince fashion. Abdominal stretch locked in as we learn that Razor will face off against Bob Backlund. Why? Heenan suggests because both have been undefeated so far in singles competition. That would be a blatant lie since we saw Bret beat Razor at the Royal Rumble. The real reason is that neither man really had any storylines going into the event, especially Razor, so putting him against Backlund seemed like a wise idea.
Razor hits Greenberg with his patented dumping chokeslam, a spot with no air, and more just sending them down. He follows with a back suplex off the turnbuckle and signatures for the Razor's Edge, which he lands to sheer perfection for the three. Not a bad jobber match. Razor definitely put out more variety in his offense than the likes of Luger or Tatanka did.
Next up is Typhoon in action against a wrestler by the name of L.A Gore. Methinks if you turn the L and A around, you get the intention of that name. Sounds like Vince's political leanings in full effect. Heenan mocks the fat sign lady, which again makes me annoyed. I'm sure they're nice ladies who clearly are doing this for fun, but are just being carted out so the jackasses at the table can make jokes out of them.
On to the match itself. Typhoon shoves Gore a couple times, and gets a rather dull looking shoulder block. For as slow as the match is, it's made no better with fake Vince mumbling. Big clothesline in the corner followed with a hiptoss. Irish whip and an elbow is followed with a big snap suplex from Typhoon. He follows with a big powerslam and a stomp, and finishes with a splash in the corner, and one in the ring for the three. Very dull squash. After a more varied one with Razor, it's back to bland squashes.
Bobby Heenan is in the ring not knowing if it's his cue as we go back to sponsors. No clue if that was mistimed, or what. Heenan is in the ring to interview Harvey Whippleman and Giant Gonzalez. Heenan does a good job at selling how indestructable Gonzalez is. Harvey tells us that he made good on his word that he would deliver something big in the WWF, and that he did. But he hasn't been able to prove how awesome Gonzalez truly is since every opponent has run away. And the only idiot who hasn't been afraid is the Undertaker. Harvey says that at Wrestlemania IX the Undertaker better have a giant coffin, because the Giant Gonzalez will bury both him and Paul Bearer. Heenan asks Gonzalez his plan, and he yells that he has a giant surprise for him. I can't help but think he meant he's gonna show Undertaker his... well... giant Gonzalez.
Speaking of fellatio, we get an ad completely shilling the return of Hulk Hogan, and as expected, it's built as him being more or less God descended to earth. Oh, and Bret Hart and Yokozuna are wrestling or something, who cares? HOGAN! HOGAN! HOGAN!
Papa Shango is up next against Bob Backlund. I find it funny that we get Shango with his music, smoking skull and ballyhoo, and then we have Bob Backlund come out to no music and he just jogs to the ring. I get that's the point of Backlund. He's so old school that it's pretty much his gimmick, but I can't help but laugh at the parallels between overly gimmicky Shango and clean cut Bobby.
Backlund escapes attempts at offense from Shango, and sweeps the leg. Heenan's calling him Opie, while "Vince" compares him to Mickey Rooney. While Backlund has the speed, Shango has the strength as we see in a long test. But Backlund rolls out, and locks in the arm. Another trip, who then hits a big elbow in the face. Shango gets a rib breaker as Bartlett is just now mumbling because he can.
Backlund falls out of the ring, as Shango drives him into the ringside. Bartlett's mumbling is getting so annoying that I think Monsoon is literally pissed off. And I don't mean just playing pissed, I think he wants to deck him. And I wouldn't blame him! Back in the ring, a headlock from Shango is broken from Backlund, but he gets another rib breaker and an elbow dropped. I do have to laugh that Bartlett still manages to shill Matrix mid mumble. What a way to advertise your product with this jackass!
Another headlock but this time Shango uses the ropes for leverage. Ref goes for the three count, but Backlund starts to get back to life and lays in shots, but gets a knee to the gut to take him back down. Body slam only gets a two count. Shango sets up for the shoulder breaker, bet gets rolled up for the three count. While a bit slow, and a definite differance in styles, I still can't help but enjoy everything Backlund does. And at least it wasn't another squash match on top of two already.
Mean Gene is back with the Wrestlemania report, and tells us that with the event being at Caesar's Palace, the only logical thing to do is to have the world's largest toga party, with all of the announcers and staff wearing togas. We also take a look back at Superstars as Yokozuna continues his offense on a jobber post-match with the intent to earn his respect. Again, all the interesting stuff is happening on Superstars while Raw remains stagnant. Get these on the Network already, Vince!
On to the tag title match, we're told that Brutus will have a special protective mask for the match. Why would he need it? Hulk's been bashing his face in with the briefcase and it sounds like it's fine. Meanwhile Money Inc. promise a special briefcase for the event. We also get another interview from Paul Bearer that's pretty much the same as last week's.
It's main event time as the Nasty Boys go up against the Headshrinkers. The Nastys give the fat ring girl a hug, which is pretty cool of them. Most respect she's gotten tonight. Gorilla is more concerned about getting the footage from the award ceremony. Both teams try to play to the crowd, but it's clear that Poughkeepsie is a part of Nastyville. Samu and Brian Knobbs start off as Samu gets in some clotheslines, to which Knobbs follows in with some stiff ones. Tag to Saggs and a big double back drop from the Nasty Boys. While the ref is distracted, the Headshrinkers try their own double team, but Saggs turns it into a double clothesline.
Focus goes on Fatu's arm to slow things down. An attempt at a hiptoss from Fatu is turned around as a tag goes to Knobbs, who continues the offense on the arm tand tags in Saggs, who bites the arm. Offense returns to the Headhrinkers as Samu gets in a cheap shot before Raw goes to commercial. Thankfully when we return the match hasn't ended, but the Headshrinkers are still in control. Rob tells us that during the break one of the Nasty Boys used a small child to beat down the Headshrinkers. Congrats Rob, you made me at least chuckle at the thought of that. Nowadays, that kid would just be Hornswoggle.
Samu slams Saggs and ascends the top rope. But misses the big headbutt. Tags to Knobbs and Fatu as Knobbs gets in a big back drop and a clothesline. Double noggin knocker fails since he's wrestling Samoans and they don't feel pain in the head. Double back drop attempt from the Headhrinkers however is met with a double ddt from Knobbs. And both teams brawl to the back as the referee calls for the bell. They make it to the concession stand and have a food fight, complete with Saggs just smashing Samu in the head with a pot. Also the chair shots to the head are sickeningly hard.
We then get to a video package about how awesome the WWF can be when helping with sick children, the special olympics, and more. Even if rail against the WWE at times, I can never hate them for the contibutions they've done, especially when it comes to helping sick kids. So, this is self fellating, but not the worst kind. And it's more broad to the entire roster, and not just Hulk Hogan, which I can say I'm happy to see. Nowadays if they did this video, 95% would be just about John Cena.
This episode was a mixed bag. One one hand, I enjoyed the Backlund/Shango match more than I should, as well as Razor's squash match, and I really enjoyed the brawl between the Nasty Boys and the Headshrinkers. Two teams that I would expect to be able to do a no nonsense fight, and ended up doing just that. And I liked having Monsoon and Gorilla on commentary, as their interactions with each other are always fun.
On the other hand, I hated Rob Bartlett as he once again is in full obnoxious mode as mumbling Fake Vince. And the Tugboat vs L.A Gore match was dull as dirt. And seeing the fat sign lady being carted out again for horrible jokes just infuriates me. But in the end, the good far outweighed the bad. This was definitely less of a chore to go through than some previous Raws. So, this gets a favorable B-. Next week Raw returns to the Manhattan Center, and holy crap! It's the last Raw before Wrestlemania IX. What is in store? We'll see next time.