A Mechanized Mess
Video Brinquedo: 2008
Okay, I couldn't bring back Tooncrap without making another visit to the Asylum of Animation. Oh Toyland Video... I mean Video Brinquedo. How I have missed your blatant ripping off of far better animated products. How I've longed for more of your hatred of the Chinese, your 4Kids voice actors, and your eloquent, yet disgustingly poor references. I shed many a tear in my absence knowing I never had to talk about you, your rottenness...
And this cock flute.
Actually, fuck that. I've never been happier to not even have to think about these Brazilian buttholes. But, since I am back to talking Tooncrap, then I must bring it back. Every time I think I'm out, Dr. Crumb pulls me back in, like the spawn of Satan he is.
So, on our hands this time is Tiny Robots, an amalgamated ripoff of both Wall-E, and Robots, which has the entertainment value of neither. So, get ready for a future scarier than us all getting too fat, and Earth being a junk yard. Let's review this thing.
We open our tale far far into the distant future, two weeks from Sunday A.D, on a planet where all the buildings look like bundled building blocks, and actually make Superman 64's graphics look amazing, is a world populated by robots, that live on a planet devoid of the human race, because apparently the robots replaced them.
We learn of the mass genocide of a species, and we ain't even 30 seconds in folks.
So, the robots live about their lives doing jobs and such that they were programmed to do, even without the understanding of why they're to do it. They also don't eat, so they survive by plugging themselves into machines to get a regular jolt of energy. This planet (Let's be honest, it's supposed to be Earth) has two factories, one being a solar power station, and the other being the Robo Manufacturing Plant, where the story begins, and our exposition finally goes the hell away.
We meet the hero of our story Wall-E, I mean Trank. Unlike the other robots, this robot, who isn't really all that tiny, was actually made by a human. I'm certain this won't be awkward later in the story. He works at the solar station, in charge of upkeep. Though let's be honest, he's just buffing the panels, that's all. Suddenly a pair of speakers show up telling all robots to cease work, as the leader is about to make a "grand announcement". Fuck big announcements, this baby's a grand! The robots head to the square, where a pokeball splits in two, and release a view screen where our leader appears.
Okay, where's the real leader? Don't tell me they actually follow the almighty Dildo Vader?
The leader (voiced by Yugi himself Mr. Dan Green) tells the workers that they have for many years provided the energy for the world, but now it's time for a newer and more efficient energy source. The scientists of this world (Hopefully not a Robo-Crumb), have unearthed a brand new source of energy, that will be distributed for everybot.
Oh, and everyone's shit canned too.
The leader Ro-Blows
And to ensure total dependency to the leader, he upgrades the systems of all the robots. They go from thinking he's a bit of a douche, to suddenly concurring that the leader is good, the leader is great, they surrender their will, because he made us do it. The only one not affected of course is Trank, or titular minuscule automaton.
Trank goes to see his grandfather, and tells him in detail all the stuff we just learned about a minute ago. Grampa doesn't like this new energy idea, and hopes they're not going back to oil and electricity. Also, that he's seen this type of dickery before, and it leads to no good. We also get backstory on the leader, who shocked everyone when he overthrew management. He also tells Trank not to trust the leader. He's corrupt. But then again, what people in power aren't, amirite?
Grampa then tells Trank to not bother with just getting a job, and instead go find the human that built him. You know, despite humans apparently being overthrown and whatnot. After this four minute conversation, Trank gets some much needed robo-sleep. He awakens and tries to tell his Grampa of a dream he had about being stuck in a pile of oil that he couldn't get out of. Seems like a cool dream to see... too bad.
However, his old man-err, bot is nowhere to be seen, and all that's left is a computer chip and a hole in the wall, as well as a button of somekind. We then go into a very slow and boring chase scene where Trank gets chased after by a pair of security bots. Almost 10 minutes in, and the first big scene is a dud. Oh, Video Brinquedo.
He ducks around a corner so the bots can't find him, despite still being in plain friggin' sight. The two bots can't detect him because he's man-made, and because they're too stupid to TURN AROUND. They leave, and Trank is safe. He manages to jump over the fence of New Iron City, and escapes into the desert. As the narrator tells us, Trank travels through the desert for miles and miles.
Until he died. Movie over, YAAAAY!!!
Unfortunately, we still have at least a half hour left, so sadly that outcome didn't happen. He's scooped up in a dump truck being driven by a pair of robots. A sissy robot named Tron 2B, and a small, annoying robot named Neve 1.
They picked up Trank believing him to be useless scrap metal and... Wait a second...
Waaaaaait a second, it can't be.
Oh dear lord it is!!!
IT'S DR. CRUMB'S RACIST ALARM CLOCK!!!
AND IT'S VOICED BY THE LATE VOICE OF MEOWTH, MADDIE BLAUSTEIN!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY GOD WHY?
Sigh...
So Trank wakes up, which scares Tron and "Neve" into crashing their scrap truck. He assures the two that he's on the level. Neve questions on if he's a robot like they, and if he sees the words "Chong Bu Chin Ba Chang" in the future. Okay, I'll drop it for now. But this film is still, sadly, young.
He gives the pair his backstory, only to learn that the duo have had this happen to them as well. He tells them that he's looking for his creator at the electric forest, and in an act of convenience, the pair are also headed to the recycling plant on the other side of the forest. They head to the junk yard, and after not being caught by a guard, they dump their scrap in the pile, including our scrap of a hero Trank. They tell him to stay until they're done.
But this plan turns out to be pretty stupid as Trank instantly gets caught by a giant crane claw, and sent dangling to his doom over a vat of that looks like red molten liquid, but I guess it's oil, apparently just like that dream he mentioned previously. But Tron and Trank save him, not to mention he remembered he can hover. The trio find their way to the electric forest, complete with yellow square road. Trank tries to get his allies away from him, but they decide to join in on the search. Neve has bad feelings about going into the forest, so Tron asks "What are you, a rodent or a robot?"
The answer is he's a racist.
However, their conversation is interrupted by... whatever the hell that is. It's actually called a syphonoid, though my phrasing I find was better. This thing eats robots and takes their energy. But apparently doesn't go away if you tell it that it's supposed to be extinct. Tron tries to defeat the syphonoid with rocks, but that just pisses it off. Before it can kill the three of them, Trank lures it into the forest...
...Where it is electrocuted and explodes. Boo, that means our main characters still live.
Though we almost get the belief that Tron has died, but unfortunately, we still have about 25 minutes left with these morons. Yes, I've counted every minute. It's more enjoyable than watching this movie.
As the trio traverse through the electrical forest, Neve begins to wonder if the old ghost stories are true, to which Tron immediately debunks as false.
Tron... Just shut up from now on.
However, after Trank stands up to the ghost instead of giggling at it, the apparition turns into...
Hey, I didn't know Blade Braxton was in this film.
Actually, we learn that this is Trank's inventor who goes by the name of Builder, (sans Bob The). Builder informs Trank that not only is he about 40 years old, but that his parts are even older, like a thousand years or so. Give or take the millennia. he also tells Trank that humans used to live on the planet before Robots, to which Tron debunks (PS: Shut the fuck up Tron). Builder is one of the few humans left, since the rest were too stupid to not blow themselves up. He tells us about how nature rebelled, and the world was in anarchy, and humans are hunted. Would have been real nice to see all that... oh well...
He also shows him the button from earlier. We also learn that Builder created the Leader. And continues to go on... and on... and on with backstory. Long story short he tells us what we already knew in the beginning of this. Leader = Bad.
Oh hi same Little Cars poster from Little and Big Monsters, Hi Ratatoing poster, Hi blue pokeballs...
Hi Little Bee Plush and R2D2. I'm certain George Lucas wouldn't be fond of seeing you there.
Jeez, I know this is some sort of robot apocalyptic future, but there's gotta be better swag to hoard.
Builder tells Trank that he had better be ready to fight the leader when it's time, and that he has to program a virus into a computer that controls invisible control rays. He also tells Trank to sleep on it so that you know, we can stretch this out. However, they leave at night anyway, equipped with GPS systems to get back While this is happening The Leader mocks Trank's grampa for a while.
The trio find the antenna that the leader uses to control everything. But on their way, are greeted by their old friend Syphonoid. , but it's easily defeated when Trank tricks it into falling into a pit of oil. The Syphonoid isn't a smart bot. Not a smart bot at all. Well, he does one smart thing, and drags Trank down with him.
Meanwhile, ol' steel dildo hypnotizes Grampa. However, Trank shows up (surviving being dragging into an oil pit apparently). He pretends to be hypnotized long enough to insert the virus into the computer. The satellite falls, and everyone is no longer affected by the hypnotic spell, and the leader is sent to the dungeon to be reprogrammed. Since 4kids was involved with this, that means he's likely killed.
And so our story ends with out heroes headed home. Where hopefully they died in the desert before arriving there. The end.
So, that was Tiny Robots. How was it? In a word, boring. Unlike the other ones, it's not as insultingly bad, nor infuriating. And it does at least handle the story from start to finish. But the bad CGI, dull plot, and lack of any action whatsoever keeps this from being enjoyable at all. This is a rotten robot ready to be sent to the junk heap.
Where all the Video Brinquedo DVDs are, of course, so at least they'll have company.