The Poochie Special

This dog is not rockin'.

Dic: 1984.

I don't know what it is about the 80's, but they certainly came us with some crazy stuff. From robots that turn into vehicles, and bears with hearts on their stomachs, to turtles that were also ninjas and a bumbling half man/half machine inspector. The 80's certainly was an interesting time for cartoons. most of which were glorified toy commercials, but I digress. That brings us to the induction du jour, Poochie.



No, not that Poochie.



This Poochie.

Poochie was a short lived toy set from Mattel that consisted of dolls, stationery, and other crap that little girls usually like. And with it's popularity came, you guessed it, an animated special/failed pilot. And as this blog has shown in the past, any time Dic releases a special/pilot, it's bound to be pretty awful. Hell, I'm still trying to get over the putrid aroma of 80's egotism that Barbie and the Rockers/Sensations provided us. Not to mention it's been 2 years, since i wrote the Battletoads induction, and its horrid animation still haunts me. To put it simply, i expect pain.

They say every dog has it's day, and today's the day we roast Poochie. Let's review this thing.

Like previous specials before it, The intro consists of footage from the special. And if you watched this for the first time, the first thing you'd be thinking is "What the hell is going on"? A little pink and white dog on a rocket dune buggy, Egypt, a C-3PO knockoff, all accompanied by a very 80's cartoon theme song. Quite a crazy sight. But hopefully some of this will make sense when we get to the special.




We start our episode in Egypt as a young boy is being chased. After finally escaping them, he places a letter for Poochie into a conveniently placed mail box. And from there, we head to the city of... location unknown, as a Delorean (Sadly not driving 88 miles per hour, or powered by plutonium stolen from the Libyans) approaches a gigantic building. Poochie, our protagonist, exits the Delorean, and enters the building. Apparently, she's the host of her own "Dear Abby" newspaper article, and like all 80's female protagonists, she's the biggest thing in the world.

There's that smell of 80's egotism again.


Unlike most cartoon dog protagonists, Poochie actually talks like a normal dog. Well, that is, until she goes into her office, that has a translation device run by C-3PO's even gayer knockoff, Hermes.

And by knockoff, i mean wow.

Here's his normal look



And here's how he looks, in the very first scene we see him in.


Now, that's just inexcusable. Not to mentions he talks in the exact same whiny English accent.

Now fully able to talk, she listens to a bunch of letters, as read to her by another robot named Zipcode, who reads them to Poochie as it eats them.



Who kinda reminds me of Conky sans the charm.



Zipcode reads her the letter from the boy we saw earlier named Danny. His father's an archaeologist who disappeared, and he has no clue why he's being chased. Poochie decides that she and Hermes should go and help the kid, and Hermes, of course is dead set against it. At least until Poochie reminds him who's in charge. So, it's off to Cairo in Poochie's own personal plane (Really, a dog gets her own plane?). Hermes, deciding that the people of Egypt would probably find a robot wandering around a bit strange, disguises himself as a human. From there we get a pointless scene of Poochie in her own frigging jet buggy telling Hermes that she will talk to the animals. Hermes, can also talk to animals, but being the "Comic relief" he fails miserably. The two get the aid of a dog named Ali, who takes them to the pyramid of Nik Nik Nottin.

They enter the pyramid, and after some spelunking, eventually find Danny inside a sarcophagus. Hermes, refuses to open it, until Poochie again shows who has the balls of this duo. They free Danny, and since Poochie can only talk normal to Hermes, all she can do is bark at him. The trio search off to find Danny's father, but end up falling into an underground city, apparently run by a group of people known as Nikites, who watch over a giant diamond. Our heroes get locked up, only to reunite with Danny's father. Meanwhile, the Nikites plan to sacrifice our heroes to keep them from leaving the city and revealing their location. Though the high priestess would rather they use some sort of amnesia flower instead. Though after seeing Poochie, she believes it's a sign from the goddess Osiris.

Wait, "Goddess" Osiris? Osiris was a guy. Either Dic fowled up big time, or they were too lazy to double check facts.



Then again, I'm asking too much from a company that thought this was a good idea.




The priestess, unhappy with having to sacrifice our heroes, begins to sacrifice them anyways, turning them into mummies, and sealing them in a chamber. That is, until Poochie finally comes to their aid, by having her pussy whipped robot roll down the slope, unraveling him in the process. While that happens, the cart carrying Danny and his father slides down the slope, and eventually crashes. The Nikites advance on them, until Poochie and Hermes use lasers and sound effects to pretend to be the messenger of Osiris. She tells them to free Danny and his father, and use the amnesia flower instead. They do so, and all but Poochie, and her robot slave forget this whole thing ever happened. Back at the newspaper (Which, of course, is the largest frigging building in town), Poochie and Hermes listen to more mail as we end this special.

So, that's Poochie. While the animation is decent, Nothing else is really that good. The story's lame, Poochie really isn't that likable, and if i wanted C-3PO, I'd watch Star Wars, thank you very much. Now, if Poochie was like the other Poochie, maybe she'd be more interesting, cool, and totally in my face...

Or she'd die on her way back to her home planet.