Runnin' Mild on you.
CBS, 1985
Hulk Hogan. In the 80's, there was no topping him in terms of success in the wrestling business. After the christening of Hulkamania in 84, and the Success of Wrestlemania in 1985, The WWF and Hogan were household names. From various superstars appearing in Cyndi Lauper Videos, to a multitude of commercials, and guest appearances, the WWF was a monopoly that could seemingly do no wrong.
At least in the live action sense.
The popularity of the company was so immense by fall of 1985, that the WWF decided to branch out into the realm of the animated by joining forces with CBS to create a Saturday morning cartoon. The result was Hulk Hogan's Rock 'N Wrestling. A hodgepodge of animation and live action, that lasted for 2 seasons and 26 episodes. So, while a considerable success in episode length, how has the series held up? Does it contain the nostalgic beauty of the wrasslin days of old, or does it go down for the three count like the Brooklyn Brawler?
Let's say our prayers, drink our milk, take our vitamins, and dive in.
The opening is decent. A mix of live action clips of Hogan, and animated scenes of Hulk and his cohorts (Andre the Giant, Wendi Richter, Captain Lou Albano, Junkyard Dog, and Tito Santana) in what i assume is the Hulkmobile being chased by the bad guys (Roddy Piper, Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff, Fabulous Moolah, Mr. Fuji, and Big John Studd). Pretty basic, but effective enough. the theme song is a minute abridged version of his Pre-Real American theme, which in itself was an instrumental version of Bonnie Tyler's song "Ravishing". Because when you think wrestling, you damn sure think Total Eclipse of the Heart.
So, now that we know the cast of characters, Obviously, they voiced themselves right? Hell no. Instead we got a fair to poor voice cast.
Hogan is voiced by Brad Garrett. Because nobody can recapture the over the top energy of the Hulkster like Robert from Everybody loves Raymond.
Roddy Piper is voiced by Charlie Adler, and Jesus H. Macy, did they ever get this one wrong. Instead of that wild, over the top Hot Rod, we get Adler's attempt at a super villain instead. Really distracting. Sheiky Baby sounds more like a standard Arabian stereotype voice. Maybe he just needs some "Medicine". Moolah sounds somewhat like her. she gets a pass. Studd sounds like a gangster, and the rest of the main villains have The essential evil foreigner voices.
I can actually understand what the hell Andre the Giant is saying in comparison to his real life counterpart, so he gets a pass too. Snuka actually sounds decent as well. Same with JYD, who is voiced by James "Uncle Phil Shredder" Avery. I wonder if he enjoys his WWF Ice Cream Bar after consuming pillowy mounds of mashed potatoes. Wendi Richter has the stanard southern belle accent, which considering I've never given a damn about Wendi to listen to her talk, I'll just accept it. Tito surprisingly has an overly stereotypical Mexican accent, and Albano sounds more like some fat guy then the late great guiding light.
So, what are the episodes about? Considering they're WWF superstars, they obviously spend the show wrestling right? Nope. Why wrestle, when you can go to space, play baseball, compete in a joust, and other farfetched cartoony crap. Because wrestlers certainly have such leisurely schedules. In fact, the title is certainly misleading. There's hardly any rock (save for some cheap versions of actual rock songs), and the wrestlers never wrestle.
So let's look at a few episodes.
We start "Amazons want to have fun" with the Hulkster and pals in a private jet, apparently chartered by Mean Gene. I know Gene-O was beloved, but i doubt he had that much stroke. As you'd guess, the weather started getting rough, and the moderate sized jet was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew the minnow.. wait wrong show. So the jet crashed in the middle of the jungle. So the Hogang sets off to find help, and of course Albano brings along as much food as he can. Boy, and you think the fat jokes about Mickie James were silly. The lust for lunch causes the Captain to get separated from the gang, and captured by a mysterious figure. If you're read the title of this episode, try to at least act surprised.
The group split up to find him, only to get captured as well, and we meet their captors...
Oh, get the hell out of here. This is like some really random rule 63 art.
So, the Hogang explains the reason, but the english speaking native cosplayers believe they're liars due to some stone of truth that glows red in the presence of evil..... Alright then. But an unseen being frees two caged panthers, and as the amazons seem to have trouble capturing them, Andre breaks out the Hogang, and they beat down the two panthers.
Hulk Hogan's Rock and Wrestling.
Action, Excitement, Animal Abuse, and putting the women in their place.
and for no reason, here's Apu, I mean Mean Gene to call the action. Didn't see him on the jet. How the hell did he get there? No, this is a running gag whenever any sort of action arrives. And even he isn't voiced by the Real Gene Okerlund. What the hell? Was Mean Gene in such a high demand, that he couldn't lend his voice in this damn show? the genuine article does make some appearances, but more on that later. And after that he's never seen again. Jeez, the Hogang could have really used Gene's teleportation skills. What a douche.
So they all become friends, and the amazons serve them dinner. Wow, from being tough enough to take down their doppleganers with penises, to being emasculated. The next day the amazons show them their Idol, which is an old plane that the Hogang can use to get home. But before they can, a pair of bad guys try to attack, only to be sent into retreat. The plane gets knocked off the cliff, and this damn episode continues for another 8 minutes. SO we learn the two baddies were looking for a map to some temple, the heroes find it, and then rip off Gilligan's island by making a coconut radio. The villains capture the map and kidnap one of the amazons.
The Amazons from Futurama they sure as hell ain't. Their version of Snu-Snu probably stinks too.
The heroes give chase, and they head into the cave of Tedra. And Deal with Snakes, Crocodiles, and perhaps the weakest giant rock monster ever. So the villains remove some jewel from a rock snake, the temple collapses, and the Amazons get trapped inside. But who cares about that, a chopper comes and rescues the Hogang. So the moral of the story is that amazon cosplayers are the worst kinds of amazons? Who knows.
Lets try another episode.
But first let's talk about perhaps the shows only saving grace, the fact that during the episodes, we get live action segments. Sometimes featuring actual important stars like Hogan, Andre or Piper, or like the majority of them, silly skits with Gene Okerlund and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. All of them entertaining in the cheesy "B-grade Who's on first" style. And it gave me an image i could have lived without.
a nude Lou Albano. So much for pleasant dreams tonight.
let's move on to one with actually features the main villains of the show.
So we start this episode with...
What looks to be Volkoff teaching Moolah the Kama Sutra, or the Randall's cousin technique. I don't know what's creepier, Nude Captain Lou, or the thought of Moolah being able to go down on herself. So, after that fear enducing scene, we meet Moolah's sister, Beautiful Moolah. So their parents named their kids Fabulous and Beautiful? What narcissists. So, she has Moolah and Volkoff watch over her salon. And the duo do essentially nothing but make women look ugly. They literally make it an ugly salon. There really isn't much more to talk about it since it's a 6 minute skit, but the fact that we get Moolah going down on herself is enough of a reason to talk about it.
Let's do one more episode to prove my point across.
The Blue Lagoons... Wait, another trapped on a Jungle/Island episode? Only this time we throw the whole odd couple aspect with Sheiky Baby? Pass.
Wrestling Roomates. Wait, this is an odd couple parody too? I know this show had like 26 episodes, but the idea well was this shallow?
Rock N' Zombies? Now that sounds interesting.
And is 100% Ecw Zombie free.
The Hogang and the Bad Guys (which i guess i can call the Rowdy bunch) Are invited to Bobby Heenan's new amusement park, Rock N' Wrestleland, with attractions based on the wrestlers. And to add filler for a 20 minute plot, whoever's ride gets the best attendance will have their name on the front of the park. So the villains try to sabotage the Hogang's specific rides, only to end up destroying their own. As Heenan, Moolah, and Fuji (who being japanese has to say "Honorable" all the time), enter Moolah's haunted cave. Not the one she was trying to enter in "Moolah's Ugly Salon" thankfully, only to discover the kids running out due to claims of Zombies. We then see JYD and Tito riding the Junkyard Dog's Dogfighters, and get this lovely piece of insensitivity.
Tito Santana in a sombrero throwing burritos at the Junkyard Dog. Thankfully the scene where JYD retorts by throwing fried chicken and watermelon was removed. So piper and Studd wreck JYD's ride, only to end up popping piper's hot air balloon.
As we get back to the zombies plot of this whole episode, the zombie chases more people out of Moolah's cave, and begins to roam the park. And after about 10 minutes in we finally have our zombie invasion. We also learn that Heenan apparently never watched poltergeist, as he built the amusement park on top of a graveyard. As the villains wall up the zombies in Moolah's cave, we learn the winner of the best attraction contest is, to the shock and surprise of everybody, Hulk Hogan. That was an unexpected outcome.
However, while Hogan kisses his own ass as usual, the Zombies escape, kidnap Wendi, and taker to Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride AKA Hogan's big impressive ride. The heroes give chase to the zombies, who despite being dead know how to drive a boat. when a gator sends the boat over, they ride hippos. Hulk saves Wendi, and the Hogang get to shore, only to be surrounded by zombies. Awesome, the WWF stars of the eighties vs zombies, this should be bad ass. But no, they tell the zombies what happened, and the walking dead give chase to Bobby, who apologizes, and rebuilds the cemetery. not before renaming it the Roddy Piper memorial park. the end.
And that's Hulk Hogan's Rock N' Wrestling. Dull animation, Insulting stereotypes (though I'm trying to talk stereotypes while mentioning wrestling), horrid voice work, and a severe lack of Rock and or Wrestling. Save for the live action skits, this show is best left forgotten in the WWE vault next to the XFL and WBF events.