Curiouser and Curiouser.
Nelvana, 1987
I may have to sell my man card for admitting this, but I actually enjoyed the Care Bears as a kid. The Nelvana series at least. I've never seen the earlier iteration from Dic. And looking back at it, it has aged pretty well. At least the first two movies. While both contained that saccharine sugar coat that the Care Bears were known for, they both had surprisingly solid animation, some action and suspense, and some legit scary moments.
Damn the both of them.
Other than some minor gripes (Such as Care Bears II completely retconning the entire first movie), these two stand strong among many of the greats of 80's Animation.
The 3rd one, not so much.
At the point of the movie's release, Nelvana, the company behind the first 2 movies, had taken the reigns of the animated series from Dic, and since both movies had seen their share of success, obviously lightning could strike again with a third animated feature. However, we had already seen the same old "Devil and Daniel Webster" plot before, so what else is there to possibly crib from?
Alice in Wonderland.
Because that makes sense. But complaining about logic from a toon with bears that shoot love from their stomachs seems illogical in itself, so I guess making sense of it is useless. Nonetheless, let's delve deep into the rabbit hole and review this sucker.
We open our movie to a slightly mediocre song entitled "Rise and Shine" as the Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins awake to start a new day. All but Grumpy, AKA the only care bear worth a damn in this series. However, he awakes to the sound of a rabbit trying to escape through his mirror. Upon releasing him, the rabbit makes a dash about Care-A-Lot, and is looking for his Niece Swift Heart Rabbit. He needs their help to find...
Princess Peach?
No, it's the princess of Wonderland, and they have to find her before a wizard takes over wonderland or something like that. So the Care Bears set off across the world, asking kids about her whereabouts to no success. All this to another cheesy song.
We're only 5 minutes in, and we have 2 songs.
This is going to be a long one folks.
Taking the advice of one kid, they head to the house of a girl named, you guessed it, Alice.
While I'm here I have to say, what's the deal with every Care Bear movie having one female protagonist with blond hair and blue eyes?
Care Bears 1
Care Bears 2
And now Care Bears 3.
Oh we silly Canadians and our lack of originality.
Even after realizing that she isn't the real princess, they decide that she's close enough, so they head into wonderland through Alice's mirror. At least a few of them, as the Wizard breaks the mirror before Grumpy (Who's running gag in this movie is being hungry, yet constantly unable to eat), The Rabbit, and Swift Heart Rabbit can enter. Apparently now it's impossible for them to enter Wonderland. Just use another mirror then dumb ass. That's how you got in. No, they use the rabbit hole like in the book. So the two parties set off to meet at Heart Castle. and another awful song plays. Not even 15 minutes of an almost 90 minute movie, and we have 3 songs already.This one performed by some Randy Newman wannabe. I guess shit singers got no reason. We see many of the denizens of Wonderland, at least retaining the trippy feel that the books are known for. But as our main group enjoys the silly sights, they are watched by...
Jafar's less intimidating brother? No, it's the Evil Wizard that everyone's so freaked the hell out about.
Through exposition, (AKA his 2 assistants, Dim and Dumb, who look like Beastly, one of the main villains of the series. Damn, i really do remember too much about that show), we learn that The Wizard's assistants kidnapped the princess and stashed her in the Jabberwocky's cave. If Alice takes the place of the princess she'll be crowned ruler instead of him. so he sends his two moronic aides to get rid of them. That's something I've never understood about evil wizards. If they're so damn powerful, why can't they just take over the kingdom already? If you're such a damn threat, just kill the girl and take the damn thing. But, there would be no movie that way.
The main group encounter a busy street filled with Flamingos, being run by a caterpillar traffic cop. So Tender Heart (The red bear) uses a rainbow bridge made from his stomach to get close enough to ask for directions. Okay, now if they can just do that, why the hell would they have to trek.. there i go using logic again. He gives them a shortcut, yet forgets to tell them to stay off the checkerboard. And of course, they end up on the checkerboard, where Dim and Dumb try to give them a free ride. Tender Heart informs them that they don't take rides from strangers. This coming from a bunch of bears who essentially abducted a girl from her home to some screwed up land where some evil powerful wizard could easily kill her if he had the chance. Pot calling the kettle black is an understatement. So when that plan goes awry, the two instead send out evil red robots to attack the care bears.
Care Bears fighting robots in Wonderland. Never thought those words would ever be jumbled together.
So after defeating the robots, and sending the dumb pigs in retreat, the group are reunited with the others, and hear a rather lame rap beat. That's right, song #4 already. Not even Disney pumps out this many songs in a movie at this amount of time.
The song is sung from a rapping Cheshire Cat, who informs them in rap form about the Mad hatter. So, after aligning for a minute, the group splits up again. An encounter with a giant snap dragon ends with Grumpy having a pirate hat on his head. The result has him actually believing he's a pirate. It was funnier when Ed Bighead did it. Meanwhile, the other group makes it to Heart Palace as Alice begins to go emo about her possible new duties as queen. That ends quick as the moronic duo finally capture her. Alice finally meets the Wizard of Wonderland, who informs her of his plot.. through song. God, it's like a song per 5 minute ratio. And what villain in an animated film has ever done a ukulele song as his evil song before? then again, the ukulele is a pretty evil instrument in itself. The whole thing is pretty corny, but easily ignorable. Until this happens.
Jesus H. Macy, where the hell did that come from? It happens for literally a split second, and it's never mentioned or even seen again throughout this whole damn movie. Forget your big lipped alligator moments, this is a bug eyed wizard millisecond. And after that whole speech in song form, he lets her go.
Alright then.
So Alice ends up in the throne room, and despite the Wizard's attempts to out her, the Queen of Hearts thinks that Alice is her daughter. Kinda makes the whole keeping her kidnapped idea seem like a much better plan. It appears the Queen actually knows the whole situation with the wizard and her lost daughter. So, why not at least form a strong search party for your real daughter instead of find the Princess then? if the best you can do is one freakin' rabbit, then it's shocking as all hell that Not-Jafar hasn't taken over sooner. And the Red Queen seems a little too nice in this one. Maybe I'm more sentimental for the eviler queen from the Disney version. So while Alice does princess stuff, and even plays an epic croquet match, the other group finally encounters the Mad Hatter...
Who looks like Dopey from the 7 Dwarfs for some odd reason. Oh well, still beats Johnny Depp's "Gene Wilder from hell" getup.
You should not be!
Oh, and he's mad about hats. How do I know this?
Because it's another damn song!
Though to be honest, it's actually a decent song. or at least decent in this movie's sense. The group find the princess, however the still have to contend with their giant Jabberwocky problem. They rescue the princess, and escape, before deciding to actually help the Jabberwocky's problem with a thorn in his paw. The Jabberwocky, also known as Stan decides to aid them as they head to the castle. So Alice almost gets crowned, before the wizard informs them all about the princess test. Essentially she has to climb a giant mountain, get water from a well, and make the sleeping flowers bloom.
Damn, Wonderland really doesn't screw around when it comes to royal tests.
Hey it's been 10 minutes, how about another song? Again from the rapping Cheshire cat. Who with his "not quite Tone Loc, but it'll do" rapping, encourages her to get to the top of the mountain. And with the aid of the Care Bears to stop the Wizard's evil duo, she does. So she gets the water, and if this couldn't appeal to girls any more so, she finds a baby unicorn caught in vines, and feeds it the water. and in the end, she still is able to make the sleeping bloom. It's revealed that Alice and the Princess traded places, as the Wizard is arrested. Wonderland is saved, Alice goes home, and Grumpy bear finally gets to eat.
And that's Care Bears Adventure in Wonderland. Quite the merry piece of mediocrity. but the real problem is that this honestly never needed the Care Bears. The main plot is never about them, and by the end they just seem to be more extras than ever really useful. But since Nelvana still had the rights, it makes some sense.
And with that, I'd like to thank you for reading this induction, Have a safe and happy holiday, and In the new year there should hopefully be more animated atrocities to come.