The Stinal Countdown: Goosebumps Series 2000 #7: Revenge R Us

WARNING:

THIS EDITION OF THE STINAL COUNTDOWN DEALS WITH ISSUES INVOLVING CHILD ABUSE AND ALLEGED MOLESTATION. IF THESE ARE THINGS THAT CAUSES A TRIGGER FOR YOU IN ANY WAY, FOR WHATEVER REASON, I ADVISE YOU TO NOT READ THIS REVIEW. THANK YOU.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. But in the case of R.L. Stine and Goosebumps, it's a dish that's doused in kerosene and set ablaze. Find out what I'm crowing about as we cover the seventh tome of Series 2000: Revenge R Us.

COVER STORY

Cover is fine, but kinda generic honestly. The Crow is creepy, but not in a scary and interesting way. It's more a cartoonish look that feels more silly. But I guess that's less important as the Revenge R Us ad on the newspaper is what we should be paying attention to.

STORY

You know what's a telling way that a Goosebumps book is off to a great start? A preteen girl being pantsed by her seventeen year old brother who is wearing another pair of her panties on his head, then tries to tear off the underwear she's wearing and throwing the one on his head at the girl's friends. I think I should just close the book now and hand it over to the authorities. We have had some "what the f**k Stine" before but Jesus Christ! Like we've had older siblings choke the protagonist, scare them, mentally torture them, but I gotta say what feels like just one act away from the full on molestation of a child is kind of our peak now, isn't it?

But that's essentially Wade Brill's life. Yes, acts of essential child abuse and molestation is "just another day" for Wade. It's because she has to deal with her bully of a seventeen year old brother Micah constantly humiliating her. Stealing her stuff, playing loud music while she studies and, oh right, THE WHOLE PANTY THING! And, as you might guess, Wade and Micah's parents are Goosebumps Parents, which means their fine with their nearly adult son tormenting his sister in extremely harmful ways. They just think that Micah is just so funny and that he only does these things because he likes Wade. Oh god if this is also a weird incest thing then I'm setting this book on fire.

But Wade is undeterred as she intends to make the best of her birthday regardless of what Micah might pull. She also mentions that she loves movies with revenge in the title, which is a weird flex but okay. She puts on her best sundress and sandals and prepares to at least be happy on this day. But, oh no! Goosebumps parents can't drive Wade to her birthday party, so they have Micah do it. But shocker of shockers, Micah doesn't show up. Thinking he's still at the gym, she walks in the rain to the gym, only to be splashed from head to toe, destroying her umbrella in the process. She then gets splashed with mud by a car, which is of course driven by Micah. But regardless, she still gets the drive to the party. She heads upstairs to get into cleaner clothes provided by her friend Erin. It's there she sees a magazine ad for Revenge R Us. She tears out the ad and plans to check it out later.

A few days later, Wade and her friend Carl go swimming, when suddenly someone takes the loudspeaker at the park. It's Micah who decides to read Wade's diary out loud to everyone. After being humiliated again, Wade checks out the ad. There's no phone number, but it says that it's on Flamingo Road. Before that though, Micah is at home with his girlfriend Sophie. Wade is angry, but gee, mom just doesn't get why Wade doesn't like Micah. Gee I wonder. So, Wade decides that she'll get revenge by putting some slugs in Micah's coffee. But somehow mom got the slug cup instead. Mom's mad less about the slugging and more because "how dare Wade try to pick on her brother."  GOOD LORD I HATE THIS BOOK ALREADY!

The next day, this continues as Micah backs the car over Wade's bike because at this point, I'm surprised he just hasn't shot her in the head yet. Wade is now more determined to find this Revenge R Us, so she asks Carl to head to Flamingo Road with her. They find the place which in the midst of a trailer park and enter. They get frightened by the cawing of a crow before a woman greets them. She's Iris and the crow is named Maggie. She says that she specializes in revenge and can help Wade in her revenge on Micah. And trust me, after everything so far, Wade is pent up on reasons. But Wade isn't so pent up on money, so Iris offers a free trial, saying she'll find a way later for Wade to repay her. She says that she put a curse on Micah and that he'll have a terrible accident. This is troubling to Wade... for some reason, I don't know. I'm sorry, but the molester deserves it at this point.

So, Wade wants revenge on Micah but doesn't want him killed, so she rubs Maggie the crow's back three times which is supposed to activate whatever revenge wish she seeks. Ultimately the decision is to give Micah an itch so bad he can't get rid of it. That night at dinner, things continue to be uncomfortable and abusive as the parents constantly scold Wade and praise Micah. I'm starting to think he's abusing his parents as well. We know his tendencies are violent. We know he's also muscular because he's a gym rat. It's not out of the ordinary to think that maybe, just maybe the parents aren't this horrible, but then the world comes crashing down back into reality and I remember that this book was written by R.L. Stine.

But strangely, Micah isn't itching. However, guess who does start to itch feverishly? It's Wade, of course. So, this is just going to be Be Careful What You Wish For then. A character who gets cosmically shat on despite mostly not deserving it? The next seventy odd pages are going to suck. Wade's entire body is on fire and she can barely speak due to an itchy tongue, but she makes her way through stormy weather to Iris' trailer and asks for the spell to be removed. She rubs Maggie's back a few more times and eventually it fades away. But despite clearly seeing what happens when you tempt fate, Wade asks for a do-over. One more free wish as the previous one went bad. This time, the target is Micah's hair. Iris promises to make it fall out. More crow rubs and we're off to the races again. So, guess what happens next?

Yup, nothing happens to Micah, but suddenly the book goes My Hairiest Adventure without the dog children twist as hair begins to grow all over her body. So, it's back to Iris' to undo this. This time with Carl. When they can't find Iris, Carl wishes on Maggie to undo the spell, only for him to now grow hair as well. Iris shows up and the spell is once again lifted. So on TWO occasions now, Wade has tried this and it blew up in her face. So, of course she goes for one final revenge because nobody in this book (except maybe Carl) is allowed to look good. Iris promises that this time, all Wade's problems will disappear. So, once again Wade has to deal with Micah, who if you recall earlier in the book de-pantied his sister. Well, turns out this can get creepier as he's taken a picture of her sleeping in her underwear because at this point I think a pedophile ghostwrote this book.

Micah makes Wade do his chores out of blackmail, so she wishes he'd just disappear. Micah leaves and doesn't seem to come back. Nobody knows where he went. Despite every horrible, reprehensible thing Micah has done to her, Wade feels guilty. Why? Your abuser is gone! Nowhere in this entire book does it seem like wanting him to come back is something Wade should feel. But this is a poorly written book, so, it's back to Iris yet again to beg to bring Micah back. But this time, Iris wants Wade to pay her back.

So, Iris has an evil twin sister named Paula who lives in the "Dead House", because let's just drudge up all the better books. Maggie the crow also has a twin sister named Minnie, who is the real magical crow. If Wade really wants Micah back, she has to go there and retrieve Minnie. Wade heads to the dead house and tries to retrieve Minnie, but gets stopped by Paula. No, wait, it's Micah in drag! So, surprise surprise, Micah has been in collusion with Iris the entire time, and every time Wade tried to put a revenge spell on him, he paid Iris to reverse it. But Wade still wants revenge. She steals Maggie and uses the crow to make Micah subservient. He does backflips at her command. She then wishes for Micah to turn into a slug, and suddenly a slug appears where Micah once was. Wade decides that maybe a slug isn't punishment enough. Just as she turns Micah into a frog...

TWIST ENDING

Iris arrives, pissed that Wade stole her crow. She threatens to turn Wade and Carl into frogs. Wade tries to grab the crow away from Iris. She makes another wish, but Iris warns her that one can only make three wishes. And then Wade turns into a frog. Figures, this book ends the same way as Be Careful What You Wish For as well.

CONCLUSION

This book wasn't just bad, but extremely uncomfortable to read. We've had Goosebumps books that have had some creepy and inappropriate moments in them. We've had family members being abusive and cruel before. But this isn't right. This isn't what should be in a book for children. Micah Brill is easily the worst character ever. Ever. He's almost an adult, and he spends his free time mentally, physically, and what's worse SEXUALLY abusing his younger sister. And the fact that not only does the panty incident get blown off early in the story, but the fact that Wade's parents are okay with Micah acting this way is disgusting. How this book was even made is beyond me because this book pretty much says that "sure it's bad that you're being scarred  for life by your pedophile brother, but don't want any form of revenge or punishment. That might make you look worse than your abusers." And if that's the kind of mindset that Stine feels is okay to print then Stine has some serious problems.

As for the book itself, there's nothing of value. It's Be Careful What You Wish For but somehow worse. Wade is sympathetic but also written to be too stupid, focusing too much on revenge instead of just walking away when twice she was burned by Iris. And at the end, she still insists on revenge and gets punished for it. I guess Micah is still a frog as well, so it's not a case where the villain gets off totally scot-free. But It's the rotten cherry atop the wet fart sundae that is this book. Series 2000 has been surprisingly good for the most part, but this is just the lowest point. Goosebumps should be fun horror that kids can escape into. Wacky monsters and mad science. I may not always like what they bring, but I'll take it over this. I honestly can't imagine this being good for kids who were in abusive families. Stine and Scholastic honestly should be ashamed of this book. Skip this mess. Revenge R Us gets an F.