As you've probably guessed by now, I've made no bones about how I feel about the sequels in Goosebumps. They've mostly consisted of lazy, poorly written cash grabs that don't do the original books justice in any way. Granted the rare occurrence, like The Haunted Mask II, manages to buck that trend by being really good and almost on par with the original, but then there are cases of outright terrible works that really deserve the hatred they get. I guess that's one way to introduce today's tepid tale. It's Say Cheese And Die - Again! AKA R.L Stine gets cruel.
COVER STORY
Oh man. THIS COVER... is really kind of a mixed bag. We return to the skeleton family motif once again, which is fine as I like the connectivity to the first cover. However, the skeleton designs are more goofy looking. From mom skeleton with her lipstick, to dad skeleton with his balding hair. I will give props to the addition of the cool looking skeleton dog, and kid on the right with his obvious Grateful Dead shirt. Hey, I remember saying something about the dead back in the first review. Maybe that was Jacobus' inspiration, meaning I was right on the money. Also the skeleton turkey is a cute little visual, I'll give Tim that. Oh, and hey, did you know Tim Jacobus really likes Converse sneakers? Because here they are again!
But the biggest issue I have with this cover is the eyeballs. They make them all look more silly. Part of what made the original cover so genuinely disturbing to me was the lack of eyes. Seeing the dark, empty sockets in their skulls just added into what I was talking about when I covered that... errr, cover. Quaintness mixed with something genuinely terrifying. One other issue I have with it is that it feels cramped. The original cover managed to space out the skeleton family much better, letting them all do their own thing. This one has them all sitting at a table, looking rather frumpy. And I don't know why, but it feels rushed. It's not one of the worst covers, but much like the story that accompanies it, doesn't hold a candle to the original.
STORY
Greg Banks is back once again as our protagonist. Our setting is around the early days of the new school year. Greg has to do an oral report about what he did over the summer in front of his class. Of course, Greg's report is about his experience with the evil camera that nearly killed his dad, made his friend Shari disappear, and did a lot of other terrible things. Unfortunately for Greg, nobody believes him, most notably his teacher Mr. Saur, or "Sourball Saur" as he's so lovingly referred to as. Mr. Saur threatens to give Greg an F on his assignment, which floors him, because if he fails, he can't visit his cousins in Yosemite. Although in fairness, why would Greg think people would believe the camera story? In the last book, he tried to convince a police officer that the camera was responsible for Shari's disappearance, but the cop didn't believe him. Also, come on dude, just say you did anything else over the Summer. Say you played baseball, went hiking, dicked around at home and played Sega. I mean, you'd get a C at least for that.
Mr. Saur however does tell Greg that there is one way that he can get rid of the F, and that's to prove to him that the camera is real. Greg mulls over it for a little bit, but ultimately decides that he has no choice in the matter, he's gotta go back to the Coffman house to get it. On his way home, he gets accosted by two new bullies named Donny and Brian, or "Sumo 1 and Sumo 2" as Greg puts it, because he has no creativity. What happened to the other two bullies from the first book? I guess they said cheese and died, I dunno. They pick on him with a camera, mocking his story as well. Greg angrily heads home and readies himself for the next day. He'll make them all believe him or Say Cheese And Die Trying. The next day, Greg goes to the Coffman house, but when he gets there, there's no house. It's gone!
Turns out it's been completely demolished as a family is building a new house over it. Greg learns all this from a kid his age named Jon, who just conveniently happens to be the son of the man whose building the new house. I mean, it's been abandoned for years, and the last person to reside there was an old squatter that was found dead on the premises. There's no historical value to the Coffman house, so knocking it down seems logical. Greg searches the nearby dumpster, and after a quick scare of him accidentally finding a dead raccoon, Greg manages to find the camera. Jon tries to take the camera from Greg, believing that anything in that dumpster is technically his property. Greg ends up accidentally taking a picture of him in the struggle. They look at the photo, which shows Jon on the ground in pain clutching his foot, which is impaled by a giant carpenter's nail. Jon doesn't understand what's going on and starts to run off with the camera, only to step on a nail that impales his foot, just as the camera predicted. Greg watches on as Jon is taken to the hospital, then takes the camera. Greg comes up with an idea. Maybe he doesn't need to use the camera. Maybe the photo is enough proof.
The next day, as he heads to school, Greg is stopped by Shari, who tries to tell Greg that this is a bad idea. But Greg is so focused on getting rid of that F, that he doesn't want to even consider any other option. Another struggle with the camera occurs, and Greg accidentally takes another picture of Shari. However, this one is a bit different than any photo taken before. This time the photo comes out as a negative of Shari. But before they can try to think about what this means, Shari, throwing her concerns about using the camera out the window, takes a picture of Greg as revenge. This time the photo reveals Greg as being massively overweight. Now, this could probably just be fixed by destroying the photos, but of course that never comes up in the conversation. Greg goes to school to show Mr. Saur the photos, but unfortunately Mr. Saur is out today and there's a substitute teacher in his place. So Greg has to wait another time to fix his F dilemma.
As Greg goes home, he starts to feel tired and heavy. The effects of the photo seemingly beginning to take effect. He's getting so heavy that when he goes on his bike, it pops the tires. The next day, Greg starts to get fatter as the day progresses. Mr. Saur is in class today, so Greg tries to get to him to show him the photo, only for him to now be so large that he can't get out of his chair. He eventually makes it to the front of the class and shows him the photo of Jon, but Mr. Saur just laughs it off, saying that it's still all just made up. Greg later finds Shari, who is suddenly skin and bones. She's so skinny that her skirt falls off. Yes, Stine did indeed write up about a 12-year old girl accidentally undressing, and after dealing with the implications of the egg blanket a couple books ago, I'm getting worried about the man. Turns out that the negative is somehow doing the opposite to Shari of what's being done to Greg. She's getting skinny, he's getting fat. Is this Goosebumps or Jack Sprat?
And this is about where the book goes from being tolerable to where it becomes kind of cruel. Cruel for even Stine standards. Greg begins to get mocked for his weight by everyone, even Michael and Bird, who are still characters in this book for a millisecond. The parents, being stupid Goosebumps parents, think that Greg must just be going through some sort of allergic reaction. I dunno, an allergic reaction that causes you to gain hundreds of pounds rapidly seems like like something that, oh I don't know, IS FAR FROM A FRIGGING ALERGIC REACTION!!! Just saying. Despite his concerns about his image, they still send him to school anyway. Because again, these are Goosebumps parents, the absolute worst parents in the known universe.
Which leads us to the biggest offender, Mr. Saur. He has been established to be a dick so far, but he goes overboard mocking Greg for his weight. Telling him to sit by the window, but not where he'll block out the sun, and that he should go to the nurse to learn about the food groups. Part of me wonders about the effects of this book to people who may have suffered from weight problems and body issues. I can't imagine this book helping their self esteem at all. I'll give Stine credit for one thing, it's only Mr. Saur in this scene getting a laugh out of it, as the rest of the class do feel bad for Greg. Even the bullies, the ones that Greg called "Sumo 1 and Sumo 2" earlier in the book don't join in. By the way, I didn't forget that this feels like some sort of bizarre cosmic karma for Greg's comments. But seriously, forget trying to convince this guy about any magic camera. I think a teacher openly mocking a kid in his class to this level of cruelty would be a fireable offense. But then again this is 1996, so lord knows the school system wouldn't do anything about it.
Greg heads to the nurse's office, but sees Shari inside, now so thin that her bones are literally shrinking. The kids ponder about what to do about the pictures. Later that day, Greg is now so wide that his dad has to put him in the back of a van because he can't get home any other way. And I know I just went on a tangent about how terrible it is to mock Greg for his weight issues, but I did kind of get reminded of that moment when Yokozuna had to be carried out via forklift. So I guess I'm also a hypocrite. That night, Greg and Shari meet at her place to try to think of a way to undo this mess. Being stupid children, their best answer is to, of course, take more pictures of themselves.
One of the photos has Greg still fat, but now with scaly skin, which causes his flesh to start falling off. Okay, that's actually legit creepy. They finally make the suggestion that maybe they should just rip the photos, like how Greg did in the original book that brought Shari back from whatever dimension it sent her. But, because this book is stupid, they think maybe that might be a bad idea. So, they come up with one last idea. Greg's brother Terry had recently begun working at a photo mart (obligatory "remember those" comment for you millenials reading), so the two kids head there with their photos. They tell Terry to reverse both of them, turn Shari's negative positive, and Greg's photo negative. He does just that, and the effects of the camera begin to wear off as both kids turn back to their normal weights.
TWIST ENDING
At least in the episode, Mr. Saur does get his comeuppance. He takes a picture of himself, then laughs at the picture that comes out, thinking it to be some sort of trick photograph. Suddenly his hair starts to fall out in clumps. We then see that the photo is of a bald Mr. Saur as he screams that "it's not a trick!" Now that's a satisfying ending. Again, an occasion where the show actually outdoes the book. I was not expecting that to happen so often, yet almost every time the show deviates, it's for the better.
CONCLUSION
That being said, for as bad as its message is, I can't say this is the worst sequel I've read as Monster Blood III still resonates as the most pointless of the series. But there was still absolutely no need for a Say Cheese and Die sequel. The first book was an okay at best mystery story that blew its load early on, but still ended with all of its important plot points finished up. Maybe if it was from the point of view of the bullies like in Haunted Mask II, or a new protagonist, maybe. But Greg needing the camera to prove to an asshole teacher that he's telling the truth is really stretching it for an excuse for this book's existence. This one is just a picture perfect mess. Say Cheese And Die - Again! gets a D.
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