Gooseblog: Goosebumps #29: Monster Blood III

Sigh... let's just get this one over with. Book Twenty Nine. Monster Blood III AKA This blog was a mistake...

COVER STORY

I guess if there's one thing I can't complain about with this book, it's the cover. It sells the concept of the book with a giant Evan stomping around, with those Converse sneakers that Jacobus loves to add.  And by the looks of the image, Evan's gonna be scraping some bits of slide off his shoe very shortly. I like the touch with the monster blood can spilled on the ground with its contents oozing out, along with the realistic detail of the playground equipment, all over a bright orange sunset. Jacobus is really good with sunsets, that's another thing I've come to realize. It really helps make the image pop just a bit more. And, you guessed it, I really love the detail of Jacobus' trees. The man can make a damn fine leaf. Okay, enough with the praise, let's roast this sucker.

STORY

Once again we return to Atlanta with our pals Evan and Andy, who if you remember in the last book, decided that "screw that traumatic incident with the substance known as monster blood, let's use it to play tricks on people". It all led to a giant hamster, and then Evan grew into a giant. Yes, the thing that this book is making a big deal out of already frigging happened, so add that to the "unnecessary sequel" checklist. Anyhoo, Evan's life has become a living hell. Not from the monster blood, nor from a bully like Conan Barber. No, this living hell is in the form of his 8 year old cousin Kermit (Kermit, really Stine?). The kid is your stereotypical "poindexter" nerdy kid with the glasses and everything, who really likes to make different kinds of formulas, usually using Evan as his guinea pig.

Speaking of Conan, he's still a thing. He picks on Evan until Kermit tries to come to Evan's aid with a blue serum that he says will turn Conan invisible. Silly Kermit, that only works with a mirror. Plus, why would you want to turn the bully invisible? Regardless, he throws the formula on Conan's shirt, causing it to disappear. Kids have started to get more naked in these books and I'm starting to get concerned about you Jovial Bob. So, Conan pounds in Evan's nose, which Andy chuckles about because she's a terrible person like everyone in this series. She even jokes that she put some monster blood in Evan's tuna. Because that's what this deadly substance is now, a frigging joke. So yeah, they got more monster blood. From a new can sent from Andy's parents in Europe.

*deep breath* Okay, first GLARING issue with this. Number one, Stine has totally forgotten that the monster blood of the first book was enchanted by a witch who used it to try and kill the kids, right? So we're going to go ahead and treat this stuff like it too has these magical growth properties? Furthermore, why oh why would Andy ask her parents for the stuff that nearly killed her and Evan, turned Trigger into a giant monster, and put the school at risk from the Cuddles incident? Or is the place where her brain is located just an empty lot? Going to guess the latter.

Anyway, Kermit tricks Evan a bit more, and also creates a shrinking serum that can cure mosquito bites which works on Andy. Kermit also makes a serum that cures dog hiccups and uses it on Dogface, his sheep dog. The dog then goes into a panic, making a mess, so Kermit blames Evan for it. Cool, so it's another Tara situation, but in this case we can't erase Kermit from history. Too bad we can't erase this book from history either. But Evan's also kind of asking for this. Andy lets Kermit do hier math homework, only for Kermit to do all the wrong equations, getting her in trouble. So, logically, the only way these kids can think to get some measure of revenge on Kermit is to use the monster blood.

Evan, having some rational thought, tells Andy that it's a bad idea, but Andy, who just decided to be the worst character in Goosebumps is like "but it'll be awesome". Anyway, he tells her not to and she agrees. Regardless of this, Kermit still pulls pranks on them with his formulas, at one point doping them with a laughing serum. This happens to occur when they lose their frisbee in Conan's yard, and once again Kermit gets them beaten up by saying that they're laughing at him. Even Evan's tired of this little douche ruining his life, so he decides "hell with it, let's get him with the monster blood." They distract Kermit with a chocolate bar while they mix some monster blood into some dough he's working on. This causes some sort of reaction where the stuff explodes all over Evan, some of it getting into his mouth.

The kids start to clean up the mess, but suddenly Evan starts to feel weird. He begins to grow into a giant. Thankfully his clothes grow too since I guess the monster blood can do that? Evan gets too big for the basement, so Andy and Kermit manage to squeeze him out of the house. While he wanders in his enlarged state, he spies Conan picking on some kids. He grabs Conan and puts him up in a tree. Evan tries to get adjusted to his increasing height. He saves stuck kites for kids, accidentally crushes some cars, and plays some baseball with other kids, now that he's the biggest player. Everything seems to be going great... until the firemen show up with Conan.

Conan points at Evan, saying he's the one who put him up in the tree. Cops arrive as they survey the damage Evan's caused. The cops mistake him for some sort of alien, and the fire trucks start shooting water at him. Evan panics and runs off with everyone chasing after. Andy and Kermit eventually find Evan hiding behind a pile of logs and try to find a way to cure him. They figure that if they use the shrinking serum Kermit made, it can reverse the effects. He drinks the rest of it, but it doesn't shrink him. They try another bottle of blue liquid, but this stuff just turns Evan blue. The next bottle they use just makes Evan grow feathers. This is just padding right now. Kermit gives Evan one more bottle of serum, and this time it works, shrinking Evan back to normal size and reversing the other effects.

TWIST ENDING

Evan wakes up in the middle of the night and notices that things look different. His bed is gigantic. The shrinking serum worked too well and he's about the size of a chew toy. And as such we end this book with Evan in Trigger's mouth, telling his parents about what just happened.

CONCLUSION

Monster Blood III is a pointless book. I harped before about how I hated the first sequel, and this one feels even worse. Nobody in this book is likable. Not Evan. Not Kermit. And especially not Andy. I don't get what happened here. In the first book, she may have teased Evan a lot, but she was often trying to be the optimist to Evan's dismal nature. Since the second book however, she's been doing nothing but pressuring Evan to use the monster blood more and more, losing any sight of concern over what this could do. It makes her character easy to hate, which is a shame. Like I said previously, if the reveal was that she was really Sarabeth trying to get revenge on Evan, that would be a far more worthwhile twist.

The giant Evan stuff isn't even all that interesting. It all comes too close to the end of the book, and even by the time we wrap up, it's obvious that Stine's tapped out on this story. He just pads the ending with more and more formulas that screw Evan up more and more. The whole book just reeks of not being anything that Stine had ambition for. It's as shallow a cash grab book as you can get. No thought, no effort to do something unique, just slap out a lame book with Monster Blood on the title, and rake in the dough as idiot kids buy it. The twenties had a good array of original ideas that Stine seemed to write solid books out of. It's an absolute shame that we end it on such a low note. Thank god the fourth book is a long way away. Monster Blood III gets an F.

So, you're probably wondering if I'm complaining so much about the Monster Blood sequels, is there any way I'd fix them to make a sequel work? Funny thing is, I don't have to as the TV series gave a more satisfying sequel. In lieu of doing any of the other books as episodes, the show instead did an episode called More Monster Blood. In it, Evan is flying home, unaware that some of the Monster Blood got into his luggage. With the help of Conan, Curtis (sort of like Kermit), and a girl named Julia, they stop the oozing mass as it causes a panic on the airplane. You see, THIS is how Monster Blood should be treated. As a clear and present danger. Something to be feared, and not just a tool used for revenge that will always go horribly wrong. Honestly, adding the size change stuff for the Monster Blood really hurt it in the long run. It's funny that the show writers seemed to get that idea, but not Jovial Bob. Makes you think. Oh wait, that episode ends with a giant ant, so maybe they didn't learn as much as I give them credit for.