Gooseblog: Goosebumps #26: My Hairiest Adventure

It's time to talk about book 26 and let's be honest. If you remember any of the twists from the books, this is the one you definitely remember. Of all the bizarre book concepts, none come crazier than My Hairiest Adventure AKA Puberty is Hell.

COVER STORY

This cover's kinda goofy looking. Granted, I give Jacobus credit for trying to do his best to sell the concept of this book's premise with the kid looking in the mirror to see his hands covered in hair. But I can't get over those gigantic ears and just how silly his expression is. When the best thing about a cover is how well detailed a crumpled toothpaste container is, then you know you aren't dealing with a classic.

STORY

Our protagonist Larry Boyd (I can't help thinking that's Stine's bizarre shout out to Larry Bird), is a kid with a lot of problems. Particularly he has this one issue where he was born without sweat glands, and another where he's constantly being chased after by dogs. He doesn't know why, but they're always after him. Maybe he's a ghost. Actually, no. Not in this book. One of his friends, a girl named Lily, manages to chase the dogs off. Larry finds Lily pretty cool, for a girl (yeah, that's actually a thing he says because "D'oh boys will be boys" and cooties and such). She's got two differently colored eyes and is always wearing a coin of some sort around her neck. Lily and Larry are part of a band currently called "The Geeks" with their friends Manny, Christina and Jared. They're not a really good band per se, but they still like to jam, and hope they're good enough to win the battle of the bands.

After practicing, the kids spot some junk in the dumpster across the street. No ventriloquist dummies sadly, but Larry does catch his eye on one item. A bottle of "Insta-Tan Lotion". The kids go gaga over it, thinking that if they put some on, they'll have the coolest tans in the middle of winter. Despite the contents being long-since-expired, they put the lotion on anyway. We get our stock fake out scare with Manny pretending that the lotion caused his face to melt off. I'd normally just scoff, but that's happened a lot in these books. Larry then starts to pass out. Later, he's getting one of his regular shots from his doctor, Dr. Murkin. Something to do with his sweat gland issues.

That night, Larry is at his bathroom mirror, and much like on the cover, he sees that his hand is covered in hair. He manages to shave it off with his father's razor, then goes to bed, fearing that this may have been a side effect of the lotion. Though the thought of his friends getting all hairy does make him chuckle. He tries to tell Lily, but she doesn't believe him. That day at school, Larry gets angry at one of his classmates, Howie. You see Howie is the leader of the rival band in this upcoming battle of the bands. They're called "Howie and The Shouters". Well, it's better than "The Geeks" at least. Howie trips Larry, and Larry then notices that his hand has regrown the thick hair.

He throws on some leather gloves to hide the hair, then reads his book report. Surprisingly it's a Bruce Coville book. That's a shout out I wasn't expecting. He later tries to tell his mother about this, but she just ignores Larry, because bad Goosebumps parents ahoy! He shaves his hands again, and tries to get it off his mind. However, while with his friends, he notices hair is growing on his neck, so he ties a scarf around his neck tight enough to near choke him out. When he has basketball practice, he sees his knees are now covered in hair, so he plays in jeans instead. He fears that the Insta-Tan must have somehow entered his system and screwed up his body somehow. But he also wonders why his friends don't seem to have any symptoms.

Lily and Larry go to see Manny, who hasn't been seen for days. However when they get to his house, it's suddenly empty. No furniture, no signs of life. It's like the entire family just vanished without a trace. Larry finally tells his dad about the growing hair, and his dad gets into a panic, dragging him to Dr. Murkin, who administers another shot. Murkin says that the Insta-Tan couldn't have been the reason for the growing hair, and tells them to simply wait this out before he can get a better answer. Kristina and Jared mock Larry for his recent hair patches, but interestingly Lily seems worried, as if she's been hiding something. Larry tries to get her to admit growing hair, but she yells at him and runs away.

More hair continues to grow on Larry, and no matter how much shaving he does, it seems to keep coming back stronger. Wanting to get evidence to prove to Dr. Murkin that the Insta-Tan was the culprit, he goes to find where they got rid of the lotion bottle, but runs into a dog. Unlike the other dogs however, this one seems friendly. He tells the dog to leave as he finds the bottle. However, it turns out that there's no lotion left in the bottle to even show Dr. Murkin, so that's a bust. The next day, Larry tries to find Lily, but she's nowhere to be seen. He goes home and finds another dog is being friendly to him. This dog with different colored eyes and a gold coin around her ne-...Ohhhh.

Believing the dog to be Lily, Larry begins to chase after her, eventually making her way to Lily's house, as her parents are packing up and moving. In a panic, they tell Larry that there never was a Lily, and tell Larry to leave. With only Jared and Kristina left, Larry continues on with the battle of the bands. It all goes well until Larry's hair begins to grow at an even faster rate. Looking like Teen Wolf (the 80s one), Larry rushes out of the school in a panic, and returns home, screaming at his parents if they believe him now. They both have sad expressions on their face as they finally reveal the truth to Larry.

TWIST ENDING

It was never the tanning lotion that caused Larry to grow hair. You see, Larry is a dog! It turns out that this is all a testing lab and all the adults in town were people who worked for Dr. Murkin, who hasn't been doing much, except play god! He's been experimenting on dogs to turn them into humans. I have some theories as to why later. However, the experiment wasn't without its side effects and eventually the kids turn back into dogs. That's why Larry was getting his shots. However, despite what's happened, Larry is happy being a dog again, playing with his friends. He then spots his owners coming home with a new baby. A baby with yellow cat eyes.

Well, if it ain't working on the canines...

CONCLUSION

This book is weird. Probably the weirdest concept for a Goosebumps book so far, and that's saying something with the previous twenty five titles. Is it the worst book ever? I wouldn't say that. It borders on a bit too wacky, but other than that it's paced pretty well,  while the twist is bizarre, it's not like Stine throws it out last minute. He sets up that something like this might be happening with all the subtle hints. The different colored eyes, the lack of sweat glands. Hints that  you might not clue into until you make it to the end of the story. There's never really any scares, but the concept of having hair grow uncontrollably is kind of disturbing. Overall, I can't call this one a bad book. If anything it feels like Stine's very goofy puberty allegory. Which would make sense since this book would be out around the time his son Matt was going through it. I can't confirm or deny that Matt turned into a dog.

So, let's decipher why Dr. Murkin would be turning dogs into children. Well, the most likely theory is he simply wants to play god. Similar to Dr. Brewer from Stay Out Of The Basement, in that he's splicing DNA to create some sort of perfect hybrid. But here's what I think his real intentions are. It's to provide children for parents who can't procreate, and it serves as an alternative to the adoption process. The assistants who raise the dog kids are most likely those families who can't have children of their own, which is also why they seem so in shambles once they realize the kid they raised is turning back into a dog. If that's Murkin's true reasons, then it deserves some credit. Or, he could be making a dog human army to try to take over the world. Either way, it sure led to one unforgettable book, that's for damn sure. Your mileage may vary, but for me, My Hairiest Adventure gets a B.

Heh, Dr. Murkin. What a funny name. I wonder where Jovial Bob came up with that one?

*Googles Murkin*