We open up our sixth edition of Raw with a clean shaven Rob Bartlett, who rips on wrestling fans saying that they can spell. I've oft chastised Mr. Bartlett on many these reviews, but of all the offenses he's caused, ridding himself of his goatee has given him no favors. He looks like he aged a good forty years, which is usually how i feel after listening to his bad jokes. It's February the 22nd, and once again we're live from the Manhattan Center as the hulkamaniacs have gathered en masse for the return of the Hulkster. Joining Bartlett once again is Vince McMahon and Randy Savage. Sadly it looks that there are no mic issues this week so we're in for a night of Bartlett whether we want it or not.
We open Raw action with Bam Bam Bigelow to take on a not yet too hotty Scott Taylor.It's always interesting to look back at these old Raws and see how certain superstars who would be bigger names later down the road were relegated to jobber of the week at this point. We've seen the likes of Thrasher and Scotty Too Hotty, and there are definitely more to come.
Macho and company are in heavy shill mode over the returning Hulk Hogan. Every attempt at offense by Scott Taylor is met with heavier offense from Bam Bam. Taylor ducks a clothesline, tries his hown, but gets another massive one. Rob Bartlett tries to make a Curly joke, which fails tremendously as expectd. Macho gives Scott Taylor credit for going in there and "doing the thing". Taylor's attempts continue to fail as he takes a hard electric chair. Double underhook backbreaker connects on Scott Taylor, and Bam Bam goes up high, and botching the diving headbutt, barely touching him. So he just goes to the closer corner and drops it one more time. I'll give it to Scotty for his efforts, and despite the botch, it was a decent jobber match.
We go to an interview the previous week with Vince McMahon and Hulk Hogan as Vince asks if the big announcement for Monday will indeed be the return of Hogan to the ring, and asks what the future will be. Hulk gives us the schlock rhetoric of "while I sat back for a year, I saw my Hulkamanics become more than my friends. They became my heroes, because they set examples and believe." Certainly they set better examples than Hulk Hogan had in the past year. He says that he is a human being, made mistakes, and that the future of Hulkamaniac will go to another level. He blames the media and the 90's for tabloid terrorism, and that they don't care who they hurt. Thank god the Hulkamaniacs are willing to forgive, eh Hulkster?
So, what exactly is all this "tabloid terrorism"? In 1992, the WWF was under fire in a massive steroid scandal as allegations were that Pennsylvania State Athletic Commision doctor George Zahorian was selling illegal steroids to many of the wrestlers. One such wrestler being Hulk Hogan. Hogan would appear on The Arsenio Hall Show and outright deny any allegations, despite supposedly coming to the show to admit his use of steroids. This wound up blowing up in Hogan's face, and the WWF's image in general. So Hogan would leave the WWF shortly after Wrestlemania VIII until the heat died down.
Because of this, the very shape of the WWF was literally changed as a result. The massive muscular men of the 80's were becoming less and less prominent within the company, and the product began to push and focus on less roidy, more athletic talents such as Shawn Michaels, and the current WWF champ Bret Hart. So now it's been almost a year later, and the scandal has officially quieted down, so Hulk is back with five "demandments" for all his Hulkamaniacs.
1. Train
2. Say Your Prayers
3. Eat Your Vitamins (you'd think you'd stray away from "vitamins" for a while there, Hulk)
4. Believe in yourself
5. Believe in Hulk Hogan (Because you know, he's been the master of integrity)
Up next is a six-man tag team match with Beau and Blake, the Beverly Brothers teaming with the WWF Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels as they face off against Tatanka and the Nasty Boys Jerry Saggs and Brian Knobbs. Ah back when a six-man tag match felt like a rare and fresh sight to see, and not booked every single week.
Bedlam ensues as Tatanka lays in a cheap shot, and the Nastys work to dump Shawn over the top rope, and pulls a near Dolph Ziggler level oversell nearly hitting the announce table. Babyfaces are in full control as Knobbs get a double pit stop on the Beverlys, which is pretty much just shoving their faces into his smelly arm pits. Still doesn't feel as embarassing as taking a stinkface. Macho ensures us there is no ICO PRO in Knobbs' pits.
As Bartlett tells us that the Nastys are good natured men, he then tells us that he was forced to say that or his throat would be crushed. Oh, if only. Michaels is tagged in and regains momentum for the heels. Referee Fonzie doesn't see the heeling of the Beverlys. Michaels attempts a body drop, but gets rammed face first into the mat and receives clotheslines. Tag to Tatanka causes Shawn to quickly tag in Beau Beverly.
Long armbar by Tatanka followed into a tag to Jerry Saggs who focuses the arm of Beau into the turnbuckles, and follows with a shoulder breaker. Tag back to Tatanka, who continues the armbar.Tatanka ends up in the heel corner, but quickly escapes, as the Nastys come to his aid. Loud chop to Beau as we go right back to the arm. Tag to Knobbs who continues offense as Raw goes to commercial.
Blake is tagged in as Rob jokes that they just started wrestling again, and ponders why nobody can stay in the ring. Knobbs is thrown over the top rope and sent into one steps to the other. Shawn is tagged, and lays some punches to the injured Knobbs. Tatanka tries to get in as the Beverlys get a double team to Knobbs. Cover from Shawn only gets a two. Tag to Beau who drops a fist from the top rope. Still only gets a two. Tag to Blake who locks in a bearhug. Knobbs tries for a tag, but gets nothing. Shawn is tagged in, and throws him in the corner, but Shawn gets a shoulder full of turnbuckle.
Shawn tags in Beau before Knobbs can make a tag. Tag back to Blake, which leads to a collision from both men. Knobbs is in the wrong corner as Shawn reenters. Knobbs stops a back body drop attempt with a boot right to the nose. another Irish whip sees both men go down. Knobbs finally gets in his tag to Tatanka, who focuses on Michaels with a massive chop and a hard whip into the top rope, and follows with a powerslam. The Beverlys get hard chops for their troubles as he Tomahawk chops Shawn two times and ascends the rope for a third. Only gets a two count however. He hits his samoand drop as the Beverlys make the save. But the Nasty Boys throw them out. Shawn goes for his crappy teardrop suplex, but Tatanka turns it into a roll up for a three.
Overall, not a terrible six man match, but nothing really incredible from it. Too much face focus on the arm of Beau Beverly, and way too much time spent with Brian Knobbs as the face in peril. Also, while I don't have the hatred for Tatanka that most have for him right yet, I'm not really sold with this whole undefeated run he's had.
Shawn Mooney is still stuck outside in the cold as we see him with a crowd of fans ready for the returning Hulk Hogan. Unclear if a lot of them were forced to say that, or if they were actually ready for Hulk's return.
The fat Raw sign holder is back for Rob Bartlett to make horrible Richard Simmons jokes. In fact, that's really the only reason she's there, and it just reeks of Vince McMahon's "image obsessed douche bag" mentality.
It's our next match with Crush who takes on The Red Rooster... I mean "Terrific Terry Taylor". Headlock from Crush starts things off, but Taylor makes it to the ropes for a couple chops. Whip to Crush is eventually met with a big dropkick, and follows with a gorilla press slam. Taylor teases leaving, but Crush tries to bring him back in. He gets Guillotine. In the middle of this match we're treated to the return of "Rob Bartlett's Telephone Theater" as this time he does a horrible Schwarzenegger voice, which is mostly unfunny political talk. Macho Man tells us that Hogan is not on either party.
a big neckbreaker by Taylor only gets a two count after a massive throw from Crush. Shots from Taylor are unable to affect Crush who lays in shots and a headbutt, and an inverse atomic drop and a clothesline. Sloppy looking Tilt-a-whirl back breaker is followed with Crush's submission finisher the Kona Crush, a rather painful looking skull vice. I guess for a guy named Crush, it's apropos that his finisher involves crushing. Not a horrible outing, and not just another jobber squash as Taylor at least got some offense in, but again like Tatanka I really just don't care for Crush.
We're recapped with Money Inc's attack on Brutus Beefcake as we return from break. Vince is in the ring and introduces the returning Hulk Hogan to the ring. Hogan who for a man who was under fire for the steroid allegations last year at least wisely made sure to lose some of the muscle mass he had just a year prior. He definitely looks less jacked up, and even less coked up.
Hogan gets a good reaction, though it feels somewhat mixed with some boos. Hogan tells us that he was waiting for one of the greatest comebacks ever in Brutus Beefcake. Again, like I said a couple weeks ago, let's not go nuts. He was definitely concerned as he saw IRS attack Brutus with the briefcase. A word that Hulk seems to have a hard time being able to say. He tells us that Brutus' nose is messed up. He thanks "The big man upstairs" who Vince would feud with in 2006. He also thanks Jimmy Hart for trying to save Brutus from getting another shot to the face. The Hulkster's on a mission. He's back with all his Hulkamaniacs to right the wrong for his little buddy Brutus. He calls out Brutus "The Bionic Barber" Beefcake.
Brutus comes do to the ring wearing sunglasses with his nose heavily bandaged. He removes the shades to reveal massive black eyes. Suffice is to say Beefcake looks like ground steak. It's time for Beefcake to stumble and stutter, as he says that little did he know that he was going to get an ultimate wake up call. I mean, I dunno. IRS and Dibiase made it pretty clear that they were out to turn your face into chowder from the get go. He realized that nothing can shatter the "titanian" steel face. He pretty much repeats what Hogan said about thanking Hart and God. He has the power of Hulkamania inside him. Hogan tells Beefcake that they plan to seize their assets, and they'll start by bringing out their new manager in Jimmy Hart.
Hart comes down to the ring to Hogan's music. Hart tells them that it's the greatest day that for years he's dreamed of wearing the red and yellow of the Hulkster, and that he always idolized Hogan. You know, all these years of being a heel manager, you could have turned at any time. Really didn't need to take Brutus getting his dome dented to make you see the light. He says that he really believes that Beefcake and Hogan will be the greatest tag team that he's ever managed. So, you know, screw everyone else he managed because at the end of the day, it's all about Hulk Friggin' Hogan. Hogan coins the team the "Mega Maniacs", and plans to get revenge on Dibiase and IRS in either single matches or tag matches.
This segment went way too damn long, and spent way too much time kissing Hogan's bronzed ass. It was fine enough when Hulk did his spiel, but when you got Beefcake and Jimmy Hart pretty much calling him akin to god himself, does it ever get obnoxious quick. But here we are. Hogan hot dogging and grandstanding and being the focus of the product while the WWF champ Bret Hart hasn't appeared on raw in well over a month now. And the sad thing is, the Hogan loving is gonna get worse from here on in until Hogan's departure.
It's main event time as The Undertaker is set to take on Skinner. Raw literally only has a minute left, and this match feels like it was heavily cut up with breaks to fill in time. Gee, it's as if a certain red and yellow douche took up way too much time having his friends tell him how gosh darn great he was. Taker is locked in the claw after Skinner sends him into the barricade...
And then Raw just ends. We're told the result will air next week (Spoiler: I'm pretty certain Skinner isn't winning), and holy crap, Bret Hart will actually be on Raw wrestling and defending his WWF title against one of the Headshrinkers. You know, provided there's any room for the Hitman with how Hogan's inflated ego is filling the room up.
This Raw was a bit more unbearable than others, and as you can tell by the abrupt ending just how poorly booked it was too. The six-man tag match, while decent went on way too long, especially since a lengthy Hulk Hogan love fest would follow. And the consequences have us ending the show in the middle of a match with the Undertaker not looking strong. Speaking of Hogan, I'm already sick of him, and the constant "you're the greatest thing ever" praise that he's getting.
He lied on Arsenio Hall and the WWF was under fire for it, and here we are rolling out the damn ticker tape parade for him like all is well. "The product's in the toilet, only the mighty Red and Yellow will save us now!" Give me a break. Not to mention wasn't this whole angle about Brutus Beefcake proving he could still go despite the obstacles? It's amazing how fast this transformed into "The odds of IRS-san and Dibiase-san are too great! Save me Hogan Senpai!" Also, Rob Bartlett loses his facial hair and regains his annoyance. Just sucked any hope for enjoyment from this show.
I can't hate on everything in this one, but this was definitely the worst in a while. Maybe my lack of ever being a Hulkamaniac affects my rating, maybe it's just how well I know of Hogan's political B.S, but all those are still worthy reasons to give this show a D.