Pinocchio 3000/P3K

No strings (or plot) attached

Cinegroupe/Anima Kids/Filmax: 2004

So, here we are. Last major induction for January's double induction month, and we've chosen a fine lamb for the Tooncrap slaughter this time. a 2004 direct to DVD piece of dung created from Cinegroupe, the same company that gave us our last induction, Mega Babies. And while nowhere as vile as Mega Babies, it's still a lackluster film that mixes the classic tale, with a "nail it in your skull" environmental message. Because considering the fact that in 2010 we've screwed up the world enough already, The planet is still going to have some sort of actual environment in 910 years time?

So, without much more delay, let's....



Enter the World of Tomorrow!... and review this thing.



We start the film appropriately enough with Pinocchio being built. As Gepetto eerily looks at his new robot child, We see or first glimpses of the futuristic city of Scamboland some kids talking, and find a flower growing from a brick wall, about to be destroyed by a robot. One of the kids jumps over to the building to grab it, despite the robot still coming right for him.. Before he gets killed by the oncoming robot, he jabs a brick in the wall, causing the robot to get caught in it, and break down, protecting the flower. And while I'm at it look at the outfits on these kids.



I know this is the future, but the outfits look so lame. Then again, it could be worse, They could be wearing those stupid foam outfits from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.





From there we meet the main villain Mayor Scamboli (Voiced by Malcolm McDowell), as he strokes his ego in front of his two ass kisser robots. We then meet his daughter Marlene, who then proceeds to put a CD into one of the ass kiss bots, causing it to have what I take is the robotic equivalent of a seizure. She then bitches to her father that Scamboville is nothing but work, and not play. Since Scamboli hates children (which throws the question as to why the hell he even has one of his own), he decides to build a place to contain all the kids in Scamboville, a place he plans to call Scamboland. Boy, and I thought Vince McMahon had an ego.

And the flower still gets covered. Bang up job protecting it kids.

So, anyways, back to Pinocchio... No, wait, let's first meet Gepetto's butler Comic Relief, I mean Spencer, voiced by Howie Mandel. Someone who I think would love the germ free cleanliness of Scamboville. And boy, is Spencer the most annoying character ever as i he constantly makes misquotes, and fluctuates between Howie's normal voice, and this really dumb lispy voice. Meanwhile, the kids of Scamboville head to the new Scamboli attraction. Scamboli welcomes the kids to his amusement park, and there's a mishap with cutting the ribbon due to the moronic robot help forgetting the scissors. Marlene, realizing one of the two is a freakin' porcupine robot, pulls off a quill and cuts the ribbon. But before his B-musement park is open, Gepetto taps power from the town's main supply, causing a blackout, as he finally bring Pinochhio to life. Geppetto tells his son of all the stuff he's gonno with him, but then informs that since Pinocchio's a robot, he'll never know what it's like to be a real boy. But suddenly, a flash of light enters the room.




To which we then meet the robot fairy Cyberina, voiced by Whoopi Goldberg. After some flat jokes, she informs Pinocchio that if he learns the difference between right and wrong, and not be a Republican, she will make him a real boy. And then we get more "humor" from Spencer.

So Pinocchio heads off to school, and lovely, he brings Spencer with him. So I take it Spencer is this film's Jiminy Cricket? The difference between Spencer and Jiminy is that every word Jiminy uttered never made me wish I could punch him. And Pinocchio begins to utter his catchphrase "saved to memory". So Pinocchio gets to school, and Spencer, thankfully is chased off by Scamboli's ass kiss bots. Pinocchio meets Marlene, who has no problems insulting him for being a robot. So, instead of going to school, she takes him to something known as the Imagination game, which is hosted by Cyberina. This leads to the two essentially Imagining while a really crappy song plays. Oh well, at least it's Gottfried free. And for as dumb as this movie's been so far, this is actually pretty enjoyable. The animation of the scene is well done, and the different worlds imagined are animated well.



However, the winner of the contest is Marlene, which causes Pinocchio to get all pissy at her. After getting confused by the the ass kisser bots, they take him to Scamboli. Scamboli decides that since nobody for obvious reasons will listen to his moronic companions, he'll send Pinocchio to lure the kids to Scamboland. This leads to the next song, which sadly lacks the enjoyability of the first one. Scamboli kidnaps Gepetto, and forces him to watch as the attractions turn the kids of Scamboville into robots.



And despite the whole "every kid in town is a freaking robot thing" Pinocchio and Marlene continue the essential love story of this movie. Very Awkward. However, the awkward love angle dies as Pinocchio finds enjoyment out of the roboslaves turning Marlene's garden into a silver, lifeless mess. However, Pinocchio soon learns the truth about the robot kids, and sets off to find his father. However, since Gepetto's still kidnapped, he finds Spencer instead.

Yay. Because what this move was missing was MORE MANDEL!

So, Pinocchio and Spencer head to Scamboli, who at the same time informs Marlene of his plan. Being the tree hugger she is, she's not fond of the idea.




Scamboli ditches his daughter to face off with Pinocchio, and introduce him to the new full metal Gepetto. Spencer tries to help, but being the worthless piece of crap he is, makes things much worse. Pinocchio and Spencer end up in the affectionately titled "Tunnel of danger", as Pinocchio and Spencer dodge obstacles from Scamboli.

For a guy who made an amusement park to transform kids into robots, he sure put a lot of effort into it, I'll give him that.


Marlene tries to aid them, but Scamboli puts a stop to her. Hoo boy is Scamboli a dick of a father. Pinocchio survives the tunnel, and Scamboli gets chased by the robo kids. He tries to escape, but crashes into one his attractions. Robo Gepetto Turns the kids back to normal.But before he can turn Gepetto back, Pinocchio faces off against Scamboli, and beats him, causing Scanboli to turn into a robot.



So, Cyberina turns Pinocchio into a real boy, and Gepetto back to normal. Scamboli ends up a robot, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Except me for watching this crap.

I'll admit the CGI is impressive, and the score save for the crappy songs is nice, but the plot is boring, the characters bland, and I have the sudden urge to throw mud on Howie Mandel and laugh as he goes insane.

So that ends January's inductions. Tooncrap will return next week with the first induction of February's "Stupor Zero" Month.