Can you paint with all the colors of the bland?
Disney, 1998
Ah, Pocahontas. Never cared for this Disney film. Sure, it had a decent story, somewhat interesting plot, a great voice cast, is loosely based on supposed historical situations, and has some really good songs, it just never stuck with me like so many others did. And not because of some claim that it's a movie that females would enjoy. I loved Cinderella as a kid, as well as others that some would consider to play strongly to the hearts of the female persuasion. Pocahontas however felt more like a history lesson, and cheesy love story than an entertaining 80 minute romp. That, and the villain Ratcliffe was kinda lame. Lacking the charisma and wickedness that the villains of the 90's Disney age had seen up to this point. He was more of a greedy, gold obsessed racist than a real threat like Scar or Gaston, and easily the most forgettable villain in the Disney cavalcade.
Ratcliffe blows.
So, even knowing I'm not overly fond of its predecessor, I have decided to review the Cheapquel, Journey to a New World. Will this be a solid step up or.... Who am I trying to fool? It's a damn Cheapquel! Let's set sail.
We start the film in England a few years after the first film, as soldiers enter John Smith's (No longer voiced by Mel Gibson of course, but his brother Donal Gibson. Which is fine, but he does sound like a faster, less cooler version of Mel) home to arrest him for treason. The soldiers give chase to him on the rooftops, and despite his efforts, ends up hanging off a roof, only to have Ratcliffe send him falling into the water below. Ratcliffe later claims in front of the king and queen that he tried to save John Smith in hopes to gain a declaration of war on the Indians. However, the king orders him to wait until John Rolfe returns with the chief.
I said JOHN Rolfe
not John Rowlf.
or John Ralphus either
Can we just continue please?
After the title rolls, we see it's winter in Virginia, and all the females of the tribe are carrying food. Of course, this movie's versions of Abu, Meeko the raccoon, and his pug counterpart Percy try and cause trouble, and Pocahontas and her friend engage in a snowball fight. Though during the wackiness, Pocahontas drops the compass given to her by John Smith in the first movie, and begins to mourn the death of her love. We get a bit more knee slapping silliness from our animal pals, before we get our first song of the movie. It's not a bad opener song, essentially Pocahontas singing about her future and where she will go from here. It may not be perfect, but at least there's no Gilbert Gottfried to be heard. And by sheer coincidence, Rolfe's ship arrives as the settlers come to greet him. And or course, being the least bit egotistic, rides off the ship on a horse. which is a foolish decision, because our wacky sidekicks scare the bejesus out of the horse, who knocks Rolfe off, and runs wild. Pocahontas saves a sailor, who repays her by calling her a bloody savage. This pisses off the natives, and the settlers also get ready to shoot, until Pocahontas steps in to put a stop to the insanity. But of course, sir doucheness Rolfe tries to take the credit, which causes early tension between the pair. he also hears two women say that Pocahontas would not want to start a war, and of course, he believes that Pocahontas is the name of the chief. It's not the first time someone made a silly mistake involving natives.
And of course, at the tribal dance, he confuses the chief, and gives his horse to Pocahontas. Because if its one thing she needs, it's more silly animal sidekicks. Rolfe tries to convince the chief (Played by our old pal Jim Cummings) to head to England to speak with the king, but he refuses. Pocahontas decides that she will go instead. She visits Grandmother Willow, who pretty much tells her essentially to listen to her spirit within. Which is impossible to do while hanging with loud annoying, yet lovable animal sidekicks. As the day to set sail arrives, the chief sends Uttama... Uttamato.... Ultimatewarrio.... Let's just call him Rick, to watch over Pocahontas, and to cut into a large stick whenever he sees a white person. Because England is devoid of whitey. Meanwhile, Pocahontas does perhaps the wisest thing so far in this damn movie, and tells her annoying animal sidekicks to stay. And of course, they stow away on the ship. England better get ready. Because if they thought the black plague was bad, get ready for the sidesplitting humor of the Flit, Meeko, and Percy experience. And of course, it takes them all but a little while on board to start creating mischief. The captain threatens Pocahontas, which pisses of Rick.
Don't screw with Rick.
When Rolfe comes to the defense of Pocahontas, we get the first signs of romantic interest between the two. Which is followed by 25 seconds of the ship slowly sailing towards land. Our group take a carriage to the castle (except for Rick, who is so bad ass, he'd rather walk). And we get our 2nd song, what a day in London. Villagers sing about London, and Pocahontas get horny for the town. But the happy go luckiness comes to an abrupt halt as the duke of dick AKA Ratcliffe makes the scene. Still believing there is gold in them thar hills, he is set to send an armada to reclaim Jamestown.
And because there's not enough silly characters in this little film, we meet Mrs. Magoo, I mean Mrs. Jenkins (voiced by Jean Stapleton), who I guess is Rolfe's housekeeper. Rolfe Tries to talk King James out of his situation, but since he didn't bring the chief, no sale. Ratcliffe suggest Pocahontas goes to the royal ball to prove she isn't a savage, and the king, being almost as douche level as Ratcliffe agrees. So it's time to make over Pocahontas for the big ball. And if you ever wanted to hear a British Edith Bunker singing, you get it with our 3rd song. You were doing so well movie. No disrespect to Jean, it's just... It's bad enough i had to suffer through Gottfried, now Edith Bunker as Angela Lansbury's cheap replacement? So, Pocahontas get dressed up, removes the last thing that represents her past, the necklace her father gave her, and it's off to the ball. Thankfully without our beloved trio of mischief makers. So after kissing the king's ass, it looks like smooth sailing until..
It's time for another song. As Ratcliffe essentially sings how things are not how they appear. Fair song, but at least there's no Edith Lansbury. After the song, we see that Ratcliffe's form of entertainment is bear baiting. Essentially beating the crap out of a bear with pitchforks. While everyone has a good laugh, Pocahontas says to hell with this, and calls the king and his people savages. And of course, the King, who gladly can dish it out, certainly isn't fond of taking it. He banishes Pocahontas and Rick to the dungeon. As Rolfe questions what to do, a figure in a cloak appears. Take a wild guess who? I'm sure you won't be surprised. So he takes the cloaked individual to the dungeon, and the cloaked figure attacks a guard. As he leads the guards in chase, Rolfe grabs the keys and frees Pocahontas and Rick.
Oh, and the cloaked figure was John Smith.
They kick the crap out of the guards, and make a break for it. Later, as the two Johns argue, Pocahontas runs away, and we get the reprise of the first song of the movie. So after listening to her soul, or something, she decides to go back to face the king, even if it means being hanged. The return to the castle and prove Ratcliffe to be the lying douche that he is. But Ratcliffe is already on his ship, set to leave. The heroes jump aboard, and the final battle of the movie begins, as the John swash buckle, the animals bite and claw, and Rick.... Rick just kicks ass. Ratcliffe and Smith do battle for about a minute. Before Ratcliffe can show Smith between the Eyes, Rolfe hits him with the ship sail, getting him tangled up. Ratcliffe gets arrested, Smith lets Pocahontas be with Rolfe, as the two Board the ship bound back to Virginia, and of course, Kiss to finish the movie. So, after the mourning for Smith, and all that romantic interest in the first movie, that was all for naught? Okay, so this movie has to follow some of the actual historical facts, I'm just saying Pocahontas sure moved on pretty quick.
And that's Pocahontas 2. Mediocre songs, mediocre plot, I hate those animals to death, and Ratcliffe still blows. The animation is okay at best, but certainly nowhere up to par with the original due to being made at a far cheaper budget. All simply more examples of the horrendousness of Disney's cheapquels.
Though if there's one thing I can take away from this film is that.....
Rick is f***ing awesome. And in the end, that's all that needs to be said.