In the 53 installments of these books, I've covered a wide gamut of Stine's tomes. Some I hated that people liked and ones I liked that most people were in the middle for. But today's book is actually a rarity. It's the one that even die hard Goosebumps fans dislike. Will I feel the same? Let's get clucking with Chicken Chicken AKA R.L Stine's Fowlest Book.
COVER STORY
We get another cover with a kid's head slapped on another creature's body. But where there was a more disturbing sense with Why I'm Afraid of Bees with Gary's head being slapped on an insect's body, this one just has the protagonist Crystal's head on top of a chicken, and that just looks goofy. Also, random lightning! Scaaaaaary! Also, interesting note (I guess), the image is actually flipped (hence Tim's signature being backwards), and was fixed in the re-releases.
STORY
Crystal hates Chickens. No, seriously. That's how this book starts. Her folks have started raising chickens. Not because they're farmers, but because they just always wanted to. Living in the bronx, they never had the chance to live out their dream, but now that they live in Goshen Falls, they now can finally be happy with all the chickens their hearts can desire. In fact, the little farm community of Goshen Falls is a pretty laid back and rustic place to live. Not a problem in the world, save for the local town witch Vanessa. She wears all black. Black dress, black nails, black lipstick, the works. She also seems to keep to herself a lot. The kids also tell stories about how Vanessa will capture kids and cast spells on them, including a tale of a kid named Tommy whom Vanessa turned his head into a giant sponge. He had to live in a pineapple under the sea, change his name, get a job as a fry cook and make Nickelodeon a ton of money.
Regardless of these stories, the kids all still play pranks on Vanessa, because most kids in these books tend to be horrible human beings. They sneak to her mailbox and pour a pitcher of water into it, when Vanessa opens her front door. The kids run off before she can do anything to them. Cole, Crystal's younger brother, starts laughing, despite Crystal still not liking the idea of tormenting a possible witch. Later that day, Crystal accidentally jams her hand in the fridge door, and starts to think that maybe Vanessa's cursed her to have nothing but bad luck. We also get something we haven't had in Goosebumps for a while as Crystal is trying to sleep, only to think she sees Vanessa in the darkness ready to choke her, only for it to be revealed to be Cole scaring her. Can I just go to How I Learned To Fly?
After having a nightmare, Crystal wakes up, only to see her face broken out in red splotches. Her mom, thinking it's an allergic reaction, is about to call the hospital (Unlike Say Cheese And Die - Again where a child ballooning 300+ pounds in a day is nothing to get worked up over). Later that day, Crystal, Cole, and their friend Anthony are outside a bakery tossing an egg around (like you do, I guess). In the whole situation, the kids end up bumping into Vanessa, knocking her two bags of groceries out of her hands and onto the ground below. Anthony runs off, but Cole and Crystal are too panicked to move. Also too panicked to not instinctively apologize to the witch woman, who simply whispers the words "chicken chicken" in front of them, before the siblings run away. Crystal says they should have just helped her with her groceries and apologized, but Cole says it was wiser to leave the possible witch high and dry. What could possibly go wrong?
And, as you'd expect, things start to go strange pretty quick. At chorus practice, Cole tries to sing, but all that comes out are shrill bucking noises. Despite this, Crystal still thinks it's one of his jokes. Then, at a friend's party, Crystal begins to notice she's having a hard time talking, like her lips are chapped. But when she looks in the mirror, she sees that her lips have become hard, almost like a bird's beak. She freaks out and runs home. She sees Cole, who shows her that white feathers are starting to stick out of his neck. He clucks some more, and despite the feathers and her own mouth turning into a beak, she still thinks he's joking. Because we're still at that point, eh? That is until she gets into clucking fits and the effects of the chickening continue to spread on both of them. They try to tell their parents about their plight, but since these are Goosebumps parents, they don't notice their children sprouting feathers and rock hard bird beaks, like you do. Forget my early praise.
They think that maybe Anthony may have been affected by Vanessa as well, and go to get him, but run into Vanessa who just laughs at them and walks off. Instead of just, you know, apologizing, they beg her for help, but she runs off. They find Anthony, who doesn't seem to be suffering like they are. Since Anthony dashed off before the spell happened, he's perfectly fine. He also doesn't seem to notice the two children turning more and more into chickens, because at this point why am I surprised? So, the kids keep trying to hide their afflictions by plucking feathers and trying really hard not to cluck, but things keep getting worse. Cole is now eating chicken feed while other people laugh at him, without even noticing that he's turning into a chicken by the way, so they're mocking a young child. Later, Crystal's head continues to bob up and down during a basketball game while she ends up uncontrollably moving her arms like wings.
Crystal and Cole, now seeing their situation is beyond salvaging, go to Vanessa's to ask for help. But when they get there, they see she's not home. And instead of being smart and trying another day, they go into the house of the woman they've already angered and try to get an answer that way. We get a pile of stock scares to pad out the book some more. From hearing a scream, and seeing it's just a cat, to thinking they see Vanessa by a wall, but it's just her portrait. This is feeling like the point that Stine's getting tired of this one, but needs to make quota ASAP. They find a spell book, and take it home with them. So, we've upped the ante from accosting a woman and not apologizing to borderline theft. You'll forgive me if I don't weep if there's some chickens on the barbecue tonight. Oh, and the book wasn't even a spell book, it's a cookbook for chicken! So, that amounted to nothing.
So now they have to head back to Vanessa's house to try again, but now things are moving at a rapid pace. Their teeth are vanishing into their beaks, their legs are turning into chicken legs. Their eyes are moving to the sides of their rapidly thinning head. Did David Cronenberg write this one? Because even for Goosebumps, that's some disturbing mental imagery. They make it back inside and find actual spell books. They read one spell, but instead of turning them back to normal, it turns them into horse-sized chickens. Oh my god...
Did this just become the horrifying origin story of Chicken Boo?
They do another spell, but this time they rapidly shrink. They've been turned into baby chicks. That's when Vanessa's cat goes after them, almost eating them. They end up saved however by Vanessa, who grabs the two of them and is ready to throw them out into the street. Crystal jumps out of Vanessa's hand and goes to the conveniently placed typewriter and writes out an apology. This is enough for Vanessa, who turns the two children back to normal. Yes, this whole traumatic situation was just a lesson about manners. I get the hate for this book now.
TWIST ENDING
After the two kids are back to normal, Vanessa offers them something to drink. She gives the kids some cola. Cole drinks some and suddenly burps, while Crystal laughs. Vanessa doesn't think it's funny and whispers "Pig Pig". Here we go again!
CONCLUSION
This book is bad. I mean, really bad. I'm not just dog piling a book that already has a bad reputation. I really tried to see the benefits of it. Particularly in the body horror aspect of the book, which can be genuinely disturbing. My problem is that nobody else even reacts to the obvious freakish changes befalling the kids, to the point that it just gets annoying to sit through. I get Vanessa's motivation for turning them into chickens, but it feels kind of heavy handed for a poorly thought out moral about manners. I mean, no wonder she has such a bad reputation around town if she's quick to destroy lives because nobody apologizes to her. The protagonists are annoying, the plot takes a while to get moving then feels really padded out by the end. Also, when Vanessa holds the chick versions of Cole and Crystal, she calls them duckies, which doesn't even make sense! So yeah, I get why people say this is the worst of the series. My opinion? I don't think it's my least favorite as Monster Blood III still holds that title. It's really close, but that book to me still rings out as Stine not trying. This at least felt like Stine tried somewhat. He just didn't try very well. Chicken Chicken gets an F.
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