Well, we've made it. We're officially into Wrestlemania 12 weekend. However, before we cover the biggest event of the year, we have to give some love to the show that aired the night before. It's time to give some love to the 1996 WWF Slammy Awards. The Slammys first debuted in 1986 as a television special for MTV. Essentially a kayfabe award ceremony.
No really, it was directed by Kaye Fabe. Now that's commitment to the bit.
The WWF aired a second Slammy special in 1987 before seemingly scrapping the concept for good. The Slammys made a quick return in 1994 on an episode of WWF Mania, and are being brought back yet again in 1996 as a special on the USA Network. Sort of a weird Wrestlemania weekend special thing that nowadays would be where you'd see the Hall of Fame ceremony. But in this case here, it's used as TV filler. Held in the Anaheim Marriott, we have a packed crowd of the current at the time WWF roster on hand for this event. Vince and Jerry are on commentary for this show as we get introduced to our host for the evening, Todd Pettengill.
Pettengill opens us up with a wrestling superstar showtunes medley, something he was known for doing on the Radio. See, Todd likes to think of himself as a jack of all trades, though this just makes him sound like mostly a jack off. Starting with a take on "Hooray for Hollywood" with "Hooray for Superstars", he transitions to a song on Shawn Michaels set to "Cocaine" (a little too on the "nose" methinks), dropping in a line about how Shawn's a hunk. He said "hunk" not "Hulk". Moving into an Addams Family take with Goldust is where you can tell that Todd's not good at rhyming to the rhythm of a song. Next is Undertaker to, of all things "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen". Christmas was months ago, Todd!
Next in this "never ending nightmare" is a take on "Mickey" for the Ultimate Warrior. Great little line of "I'm like your biggest fan, but how much did it cost McMahon?" That was a good one, I'll give him that. One of the first sorta mentions of Vince in any role other than announcer to my knowledge, which means Todd probably got it after the show for that one. Next we have Beauty and the Beast for Sunny, "We can plainly see, those are double D". Next in the besmirching is Pink Floyd's "The Wall" for Diesel. Love and Marriage for Yokozuna, The Brady Bunch for Bret Hart, and then "we didn't start the fire" for the rest of the midcarders, save for Camp Cornette, which he gives a rendition of GIlligan's Island for. Then mercifully a reprise to "Hooray for Superstars" with a quick "Screw you Ted Turner" for the helluvit. Oh don't worry, that will not be the last tonight.
Todd gets into his monologue, taking some shots at Whoopi, Billy Crystal and David Letterman. He then introducers our first presenters, the Godwinns and Hillbilly Jim. Their presentation: Best Buns? Well, that's quite the choice.
And there it is. Three years of this blog well worth it for this moment.
The nominees are Goldust, Sunny (Cue gratuitous ass shots), Yokozuna, Razor Ramon and Shawn Michaels. The winner is, shocker of shockers, Sunny. She teases the crowd at an ass shot, then walks off.
The next presenters are Ted Dibiase and Stone Cold Steve Austin. He asks if Todd spent time in prison. Austin, coldly, has to talk about the nominees for best "slammin', jammin' entrance." It's the wrestling promo equivalent of Alan Rickman in Galaxy Quest saying "By Grabthor's hammer... what a savings". Ater we see a comical video of Duke Droese mocking everyone's entrances, the nominees are Diesel, Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels (for his Tarzan entrance from In Your House 6), The Undertaker and Goldust. The winner is Shawn Michaels, despite Goldust thinking it's him. Shawn thanks the Kliq for his victory and says that he has a slammin', jammin' entrance in store for tomorrow.
Hey Kids! Vince wants your dollar! It's the Slammy for what superstar is hall of fame bound. the irony of this list now is that all but Undertaker are added to the Hall of Fame. Though that may change come next year's Wrestlemania weekend.
Todd introduces us to our next presenter, Tyco RC: Maximum Heat's Scott Raskett and Bob Backlund. Well, that's quite the choices for "Best Finisher" nomination. Bob literally grabs the Scott guy away from the podium and then does the nomination himself. Nominees: The Sharpshooter, The Tombstone, The Jackknife, the Pearl River Plunge and the Banzai Drop.
After Todd does battle with an RC car for the award card, the Tyco guy grabs the card and announces the winner as Bret Hart. Lawler is annoyed until he realizes Helen Hart is in attendance. Bret says that this has been a tough year for him, but it's an honor to win this award. He thanks his father, then says that Shawn may have his Kliq, but he has his fans around the world (awkward pause because he realizes he doesn't have a name for his fanbase). Bret then awkwardly thanks his fans and goes back to his seat.
After a replay of the Shawn Michaels "Tell me a Lie Video", Jim Cornette and Clarence Mason are up for the next award. They are here for the the "Crime of the Century" award. Nominees: 1-2-3 Kid's fast count on Razor, Sid turning on Shawn Michaels, Vader assaulting Gorilla Monsoon, Diesel jackknifing Bret multiple times at Survivor Series, and Owen taking credit for injuring Shawn Michaels. The winner is Vader. Cornette plays up the importance of Vader and advertises the six-man tag and we're out.
We get an advertisement for the show Pacific Blue. We learn nothing of the show, but hey, two guys biking. This brings the cast of Pacific Blue for our next award. Award is for the "New Sensation" Award. Nominees: Isaac Yankem, Ahmed Johnson, The Body Donnas, Savio Vega and Goldust. Ahmed is our winner this time. Ahmed mumbles his way through the promo, but mainly says that the award is the fans, not his.
Oh dammit, guess who's next? It's Billionaire Ted. He hands a contract to George Foster as he heads to the podium. The crowd boos, but he says he'll soon them. He stumbles his promo and says that Huckster's not here because he's tied up and recovering from a high heel assault (that was like a month ago), and Nacho Man couldn't be here because he was due for a hair club appointment. He goes to cut a check for the event, but the WWF's not for sale. Oh thank god it's just one more night of this. His award is the "I'm talking and I can't shut up" award.
Nominees are: Dok Hendrix, Brother Love, Jerry Lawler, Jim Cornette and Jim Ross. The winner is Jerry Lawler, to no real surprise. Lawler says that it's not like he can't shut up, he just tells it like it is. Rapid fire jabs at everyone as we go right to break.
Next is some woman named "Fatale" and the guy from the "TV Trivia" commercial. This is how dire we are for presenters. They're here for "Best Threads". Nominees: Ted Dibiase, Goldust, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Shawn Michaels, And Mr. Perfect. Fatale has a hard time opening the award, but the winner is Shawn Michaels for Slammy #2.
They aren't done as the next is the "Blue Light Special" for worst dressed. Nominees: Jim Cornette, Harvey Whippleman (He still exists??) Henry Godwinn, Brother Love and Dok Hendrix. Winner for this award is Jim Cornette. Cornette is in a rage and rants at the fans for this nomination like they were a lady at Dairy Queen.
Todd Pettengill makes a Bob Dole joke that crashes and burns. He introduces Goldust and Marlena and makes a lame Birdcage joke. He makes a Yankee Doodle Dandy reference then presents the award for "greatest hits". Nominees: Jarrett's flying guitar smash, Diesel throwing Bret into the announce table, Banzai Drop on two wrestlers, Triple H throwing a wrestler into Duke Droese and Undertaker pulling Diesel through the ring. Goldust decides not to give the winner, so Todd does. Winner is Undertaker. Taker says that this is a joyous occasion and he would like to thank the creatures of the night.
After we replay the "Start the Fire" video for Bret Hart, we get Rod Perth, the V.P of programming. Which means it's time to shill the hell out of the network. Next award is "Mind behind the mayhem" for manager of the year. Nominees: Paul Bearer, Jim Cornette, Ted Dibiase, Sunny and Mr. Fuji. Our winner is Sunny for her second award. Sunny says that tomorrow at Wrestlemania she will show why she's the manager of the year. She propositions to Perth to turn WWF Mania to the Sunny Show. He says "we'll talk".
Vince heads to the podium to give the "lifetime achievement award" for "Classy" Freddie Blassie. We get a camera shot of Linda and a young Stephanie. We get a video package for the Hollywood Fashion Plate who easily beat all the pencil neck geeks. A bit of broken kayfabe from Vince who seems genuinely honored to give the award to Blassie as he brings up his father and grandfather promoting Blassie in the old days.
Blassie talks about traveling the world and meeting the finest people in the world. He says the WWF brought more happiness in his life outside of having his three children. He says the WWF have helped him in aiding in charity work. The speech is great. What's not is camera shots to legends in the crowd with Lawler whispering who each of them are. I know that's George Steele, shut up Jerry!
Up next we have the Bushwhackers to introduce the next award for "Most Embarrassing Moment". After Butch shoves cake in the face and licks Luke, of course. Because the Bushwhackers are craaaaazy! Nominees: Dibiase getting slopped, 1-2-3 Kid getting diapered, Lawler getting a case of "foot in mouth", Horowitz beating Skip and Hunter getting dumped in the hog pen. Winner is Jerry Lawler for his second award. He trips on the step to embarrass himself more then says that he's going to embarrass everyone instead. However, his mic is shut off before he can spill.
Todd slaps a "Burger King" sign on Lawler's back as Jerry tries in vain to get the mic to work. We get another best music video and this one is for Sunny.
Next is the most bizarre part of this show to date. A replay of an old commercial parody from 1990. It's the "Playboy" Buddy Rose Blow Away Diet. It's kind of funny to see this guy degrade himself to this level, obviously in on the joke, but on the other hand, this is a bizarre thing to add to this already bizarre special.
Holy luscious mane! Hunter is our next presenter with Sissy Sue Glad. Hunter says that he has the biggest balls... in his ballroom. The "Squared Circle Shocker" award is next with the nominees: Bob Backlund running for presidency, Barry Horowitz winning, Goldust's premiere, the 1-2-3 Kid heel turn, and Shawn collapsing. The winner is Shawn's collapse...
Which Owen Hart happily heads to the podium to take the award for. He says he could have easily ended Shawn's career any time he wanted to. He also thanks nobody but himself. He bad mouths his family and calls himself the best there is, there was and ever will be. So far, Owen has been a true highlight.
Mr. Perfect is up next for our next award. Perfect tells the fans to leave him alone before he kicks someone's ass. Award: Best Mat Mechanics. Nominees: Shawn Michaels, British Bulldog, Bret Hart, Owen Hart and 1-2-3 Kid. The winner is Shawn for his third award. Shawn heads to the podium with Jose Lothario, to whom he gives his award to. A not-so-subtle reference to sex with Sunny from Shawn as he says that she was someone who took him to the mat more times than he could possibly remember.
Dok Hendrix presents "Best Music Video". Nominees: Shawn Michaels, The Ultimate Warrior, Sunny's ass, Jeff Jarrett, and Bret Hart. The winner is surprisngly not Sunny's ass, but Bret Hart. Bret comes up with his son Blade and praises his music video. Bret feels very deer in headlights as to try to get a decent speech out of this, but he says that there's rumors that he might be retiring, but he says that he doesn't plan to at this point. He wonders what the WWF will do without the Hitman. We're getting closer to November 1997 by the article.
The USWest Greatest Match is up next. Nominees: L.T vs Bam Bam (God No!), Hog Pen match with Hunter and Godwinn (Also no!), Bret vs Diesel at Survivor Series (Yes), Whippleman vs Finkel in the tuxedo match (are you high?) and Razor vs Shawn in the ladder rematch (My pick). Jim Ross announces the winner, the 1995 Ladder match. Which means yes, Shawn's fourth damn time on this podium!! No Razor since he's suspended. Shawn says that the Kliq stands for going out to provide for the fans (yeah, sure). He wants the best for Bret, but more for himself. Shawn says that it doesn't matter if Bret is bitter, tomorrow, they're going to put the ladder match to shame and change the business.
Next up is the results of the Hall of Fame fan poll. Gorilla Monsoon is our presenter. Who did the kids give the most dollars to vote for? That answer is Bret Hart for Bret's third. This past hour has just been putting Bret and Shawn up to take more and more digs at one another. Bret says it's great to be the champ, but Shawn will never get a chance to experience how that feels.
We have reached the end of our show as our last presenter is interim president Roddy Piper. Piper comes to the podium with the bagpipers and his son Colt. He praises the new generation, and is here to nominate the "Leader of the New Generation" award. Nominees: Diesel, Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Razor Ramon, and The Undertaker. The winner of his fifth frigging award, Shawn Michaels. Shawn heads to the podium to talk, but before he can make yet another dig at Bret, he gets the Undertaker vs Skinner treatment and we just cut off the air like this.
Well, this was a bizarre two hours of dirty laundry airing and kayfabe being stretched like taffy. The awards ranged from the obvious like "best superstar" to weird ones like "Best Buns" and "Best music video". What really makes this show interesting to watch is the animosity brewing between Bret and Shawn. It no longer just feels like a friendly rivalry going into Wrestlemania, but a lot of that backstage vitriol starting to bleed out of both men. It also doesn't help matters that it feels more like Bret is being pushed out of his spot and Shawn is ready to take it over. Bret's three awards are for finisher, a music video, and if he should be put in the hall of fame like an old timer, while Shawn gets awards for best entrance, best match, best gear, best in-ring technician (which really had to bug Bret a tad), and the real damning evidence "leader of the new generation". A term once heralded for Bret Hart. Makes that whole "contemplating retirement" thing make a lot more sense from Bret's perspective.
Overall, this was an easy sit, though it really didn't need to be two hours in length, especially if half the awards were going to Bret and Shawn. If it does anything well though, it does get me pumped for our next location. It's time for finally talk about Wrestlemania 12. Backlot brawls, a returning warrior, and one hour of hell. Come back next time for that.
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