One Angry Reviewer
Turner: 1995
Ah Captain Planet. The quintessential butt monkey of this blog. When in a state of mental burnout, I always find that our favorite hippie in the red speedo really helps charge that mental battery. Be it a town trying to lynch a kid with HIV, a too dark for its intended audience drug abuse story, or the friggin' fuhrer, it's always fun to see how the captain will up the ante in oddball. And considering that the show ran for a whopping six seasons from 1990 all the way to 1996, there's just so much animated pollution to pull from our favorite captain that makes crap happen. This time, we're looking at "12 Angry Animals" from the "New Adventures" era of the show.
Any time a show adds "New Adventures" to it, you're almost always in for trouble. Other than some slightly different animation, and a lack of as many major guest voices, there really was nothing particularly new to these adventures. I mean, what's really new, the theme song?
Oh dear god, where to start?
I actually forgot to mention this in the "Good Bomb is Hard to Find" review. So, instead of that really awesome opening that tells us about the series in general, the sixth and final season of the show felt that we should have a weird pair of disembodied lips giving us an extremely half hearted rap about how Captain Planet is... and I quote, the "Mega Mac Daddy of Ecology". Yeah, I think whoever thought of this suffered from some "mind pollution".
At least they didn't end up like Boris.
This was 1995, gangsta rap was massive at this point. So, even for it's time, this type of intro is dated. Not to mention, it's just not pleasant to listen to. Some corporate suit thought "well the kids like rap, and mega mac daddies, so let's scrap that old intro with the good animation, and get hip with the kids, yo!" So we now get this droning voice, and this awful, bland beat. It does nothing to make you feel like you're watching a show about five multicultural do-gooders and their blue friend with the amazing green mullet. Seriously Cap, why didn't you do anything to prevent this ear pollution?
So with that out of the way, let's get into "12 Angry Animals"
We open the episode as the Planeteers are climbing Mount Everest, as Wheeler bothers Linka with his camera. The reason they're climbing the mountain is because Gaia thought it would help restore their spirits. You know, screw spending time with their families, go do something more relaxing, climb a deadly mountain, that'll put the zowzers back in your trousers. Also, what if while they're in the middle of this arduous trek, there was peril caused by say, Hoggish Greedly, or Sy Sludge? Screw that I guess, those teens need to restore their spirits.
Gaia's a douche.
Wheeler however is more interested in the prospect of filming Bigfoot, which Linka corrects him by calling him the Abominable Snowman
or the Yetay.
Despite Linka's claims of no yeti existing, Wheeler plans to capture him... on video of course. Which, being a planeteer who's job it is to keep animals safe, revealing the whereabouts of a rare creature which hunters or poachers could use to capture the beast would be a rather massive dick move. But, then again, Wheeler always was a bit of a dick. The group make it to the top of the mountain and spot snow leopard tracks. Ma-ti, who's interested in seeing one, tells the group to follow, to which they oblige.
But their snowy animal hunt is put to a stop as the planeteers begin to freeze, so they seek shelter. Wheeler tries to warm everyone up with his fire ring, not having the foresight to think that the melted ice and snow could cause an avalanche, which almost sends our heroes falling to their deaths. The avalanche causes Ma-Ti's ring to fall. I know that it's needed to summon Captain Planet, but it is the ring of heart, so nothing of value would be lost.
They eventually find the snow leopard, and give follow, eventually causing them to fall into a hole, which leads them into an icy cave, and face to face with...
The Yetay!
The yeti (voiced by the late Tony Jay) tells them that they're free to go, but they'll surely perish in the snow. So they were brought here by a group of animals to decide their fate for being criminals, as a bird says the totally not dated line of "Book 'em Dano!" Then again, considering the rap intro, that isn't dated at all.
The planeteers are being charged with the murder of innocent species. Despite Wheeler telling the yeti that they're the good guys trying to prevent this stuff, the yeti says that doesn't matter because they're still human. Wow, literally racial profiling on the yeti's part. The court will be held by a jury of 12 angry animals, who will be the ultimate decision on if the planeteers are guilty or innocent.
The yeti calls the first witness, which is a mammoth that grabs Kwame and somehow uses his magic teleporting powers to take him to the ice age, where cave men are attacking several mammoths. Kwame manages to stop the cavemen before the wacky trip comes to an end, and he returns to the cave. The mammoth says that humans hunted his kind, to which Kwame objects by essentially saying "yeah, well so did wolves in their fight to survive", to which the mammoth's best comeback is that humans hunted far better.
Yeah, it was all the humans fault the mammoths died out. Not any help from climate changes, or disease, or a changing world. JUST humans. I'm beginning to think this trial may be a little biased.
Next up is a seal that takes Gi into the sea as the two suddenly get captured by... Christopher Columbus?
Believing that pinnipeds will last forever, Christopher has no problem with killing innocent seals for their fur and meat. Gi saves the seal from being killed, and Columbus, in a tizzy, wants his crew to continue to pursue the seal. Dude, you just went through a promo about how you think there are plenty of seals to plunder, you can live with one escaping. Gi and the seal leap back into the ice cave, with the charge being that humans want to hunt down seals for trade.
Next up on the planeteer blame game is the thylacine (AKA Tasmanian Tiger) who targets Ma-Ti for our next lesson. They leap into the days when the animals shared the land with the Aborigines, but then the ranchers showed up, and started hunting the thylacines down. A rancher points a gun at Ma-Ti, as he tells him that the tasmanian tigers are eating the sheeps, aka their profit. The tasmanian tiger tells them that he never ate any profit, to which the rancher replies that...
wait a sec, how can the rancher understand the animal? I get that this is some sort of world made by the animals to push their point, but wouldn't it base itself more on reality, AKA humans not being able to understand animals? It's a nitpick, but still. Also, It's kinda fun to see Jim Cummings go from his Italian voice for Columbus, then to his Australian voice for the rancher. Believing the tasmanian tiger will eat his crop, he shoots at him, causing Ma-Ti to leap back.
So next we have Wheeler on the chopping block with some lizard, which is affectionately named Rodney Endagerfield by Wheeler... And now you know why Wheeler is awful.
This time it's a forest with bulldozers knocking the trees down, which would cause the newt creatures to be wiped out of existence. Wheeler aims to stop this, despite, you know, this being both a leap into the past, and also the fact that Wheeler clearly never heard of a time paradox, which would occur if he just saved a species. He stops the bulldozer, as its operator (voiced again by Jim Cummings) yells at him for it. Not taking the arguments of Wheeler with much water, the bulldozers continue to move, dumping Wheeler out of the way. Wheeler almost gets the lizard run over, but not before they leap back to the cave.
Okay, so all that's left in the animal guilt trip brigade is Linka, who is talked to by a butterfly. They leap, and now LInka is flying on the back of the insect. Good thing she's not still on the bliss anymore, or this would be even more of a trip. So, the issue this time is that the flower garden the butterfly lives in is being infected with poisons being sprayed by a crop duster (surprisingly not voiced by Jim Cummings). Linka tries to blow the poison away with her wind ring. So I guess that's all that problem is... oh wait, cities and pollution is another problem for the bug. Well that's... Acid rain too? Jeez. They're just beating the crap out of the butterfly.
So, the charges are now being put on the planeteers, and with all of the damning evidence of the evil humans clearly in front of them, they plead guilty. The yeti's sentence for them is not death, or extinction of the human race, but rather to live with the fact that humans are assholes that wiped species off the planet, and pretty much screwed the pooch for the planet.
So, this whole thing was to just guilt trip the planeteers that humans are destructive and thoughtless? That would be fitting for them to learn IF THEY DIDN'T ALREADY! The whole premise of the show is for them to stop villains who pollute the land, or endanger animals. They've done that for the majority of six seasons. You know, when they aren't dealing with aids, or drugs, or Hitler, or gang violence (please don't tell me I set myself up for that one). They've spent all of this time learning about the worst of humanity, and what they've done. By now, they've had to have retained the knowledge about a lot of what humanity has done to damage the world. It's not really a lesson they needed to learn about from magical talking dead animals and furry Megabyte.
So, the planeteers are thrown back outside, and then back into the cave. Okay. They find Ma-Ti's ring, and have no memory of any trial or yeti.
Wait... So, their memories were wiped too? They don't remember the giant yeti, or the trial, or the Australian Jim Cummings, or acid rain, or... anything?
But the yeti's mind wipe plan has a gaping flaw, as Wheeler's camera (which for some reason Linka has no clue what it's called) still has video of the yeti. But the yeti apparently did have a backup for that situation, as the cave begins to collapse, and the camera falls into an icy chasm.
So, since I almost forgot what this show was called again, they FINALLY summon Captain Planet. After several awful puns (Ice picking on my friends?), Cap whisks them to safety, without Wheeler's camera. After that harrowing situation, the planeteers feel nice and revitalized. And the episode ends with the snow leopard staring at them, telling them to remember their promise. You mean, the promise you seemingly wiped from their memory? Okay then. Will do.
And that was "12 Angry Animals". The episode isn't horrible, definitely a bit better than the other ones I've touched for Tooncrap. The problem is it just doesn't feel like it has a reason to exist. What I mean is that the trial was pointless guilt tripping of the planeteers, who were good people doing good things. Whether the yeti and the animals knew that is beyond me, but if this was a trial for some other random humans, that weren't protectors of the environment like the planeteers, than the moral would hold more weight. For as absurd as this story was, it would have worked better as an educational cartoon, and not a Captain Planet episode.
Plus, despite being the namesake of the show, Captain Planet really felt unnecessary in the grand scheme of things. He only had like a minute and a half of time in the entire series, and barely enough time for amazing puns. I get that the planeteers are the real protagonists, but jeez, give the blue guy some love. So, yeah, in the end, this was crap, but maybe not the worst crap. Just something that wasn't needed from a series that never needed to last six seasons.
But if we learned anything in this whole thing, it's that Jim Cummings is evil. He is the living embodiment of every evil Italian, Australian, and bulldozer operator there is. He probably invented acid rain and cavemen too.
Beware this man, and don't let his evil, twisted words infect the minds of your children. Beware! Beware!
Though he was Darkwing Duck, so I guess I can forgive him. I love you Jim Cummings!
Yeah, it was all the humans fault the mammoths died out. Not any help from climate changes, or disease, or a changing world. JUST humans. I'm beginning to think this trial may be a little biased.
Next up is a seal that takes Gi into the sea as the two suddenly get captured by... Christopher Columbus?
Oh no, we've been transported into "The Magic Voyage"! Quick, get us out of here before Corey Feldman begins to talk!
Believing that pinnipeds will last forever, Christopher has no problem with killing innocent seals for their fur and meat. Gi saves the seal from being killed, and Columbus, in a tizzy, wants his crew to continue to pursue the seal. Dude, you just went through a promo about how you think there are plenty of seals to plunder, you can live with one escaping. Gi and the seal leap back into the ice cave, with the charge being that humans want to hunt down seals for trade.
Next up on the planeteer blame game is the thylacine (AKA Tasmanian Tiger) who targets Ma-Ti for our next lesson. They leap into the days when the animals shared the land with the Aborigines, but then the ranchers showed up, and started hunting the thylacines down. A rancher points a gun at Ma-Ti, as he tells him that the tasmanian tigers are eating the sheeps, aka their profit. The tasmanian tiger tells them that he never ate any profit, to which the rancher replies that...
wait a sec, how can the rancher understand the animal? I get that this is some sort of world made by the animals to push their point, but wouldn't it base itself more on reality, AKA humans not being able to understand animals? It's a nitpick, but still. Also, It's kinda fun to see Jim Cummings go from his Italian voice for Columbus, then to his Australian voice for the rancher. Believing the tasmanian tiger will eat his crop, he shoots at him, causing Ma-Ti to leap back.
So next we have Wheeler on the chopping block with some lizard, which is affectionately named Rodney Endagerfield by Wheeler... And now you know why Wheeler is awful.
This time it's a forest with bulldozers knocking the trees down, which would cause the newt creatures to be wiped out of existence. Wheeler aims to stop this, despite, you know, this being both a leap into the past, and also the fact that Wheeler clearly never heard of a time paradox, which would occur if he just saved a species. He stops the bulldozer, as its operator (voiced again by Jim Cummings) yells at him for it. Not taking the arguments of Wheeler with much water, the bulldozers continue to move, dumping Wheeler out of the way. Wheeler almost gets the lizard run over, but not before they leap back to the cave.
Okay, so all that's left in the animal guilt trip brigade is Linka, who is talked to by a butterfly. They leap, and now LInka is flying on the back of the insect. Good thing she's not still on the bliss anymore, or this would be even more of a trip. So, the issue this time is that the flower garden the butterfly lives in is being infected with poisons being sprayed by a crop duster (surprisingly not voiced by Jim Cummings). Linka tries to blow the poison away with her wind ring. So I guess that's all that problem is... oh wait, cities and pollution is another problem for the bug. Well that's... Acid rain too? Jeez. They're just beating the crap out of the butterfly.
So, the charges are now being put on the planeteers, and with all of the damning evidence of the evil humans clearly in front of them, they plead guilty. The yeti's sentence for them is not death, or extinction of the human race, but rather to live with the fact that humans are assholes that wiped species off the planet, and pretty much screwed the pooch for the planet.
So, this whole thing was to just guilt trip the planeteers that humans are destructive and thoughtless? That would be fitting for them to learn IF THEY DIDN'T ALREADY! The whole premise of the show is for them to stop villains who pollute the land, or endanger animals. They've done that for the majority of six seasons. You know, when they aren't dealing with aids, or drugs, or Hitler, or gang violence (please don't tell me I set myself up for that one). They've spent all of this time learning about the worst of humanity, and what they've done. By now, they've had to have retained the knowledge about a lot of what humanity has done to damage the world. It's not really a lesson they needed to learn about from magical talking dead animals and furry Megabyte.
So, the planeteers are thrown back outside, and then back into the cave. Okay. They find Ma-Ti's ring, and have no memory of any trial or yeti.
Wait... So, their memories were wiped too? They don't remember the giant yeti, or the trial, or the Australian Jim Cummings, or acid rain, or... anything?
But the yeti's mind wipe plan has a gaping flaw, as Wheeler's camera (which for some reason Linka has no clue what it's called) still has video of the yeti. But the yeti apparently did have a backup for that situation, as the cave begins to collapse, and the camera falls into an icy chasm.
So, since I almost forgot what this show was called again, they FINALLY summon Captain Planet. After several awful puns (Ice picking on my friends?), Cap whisks them to safety, without Wheeler's camera. After that harrowing situation, the planeteers feel nice and revitalized. And the episode ends with the snow leopard staring at them, telling them to remember their promise. You mean, the promise you seemingly wiped from their memory? Okay then. Will do.
And that was "12 Angry Animals". The episode isn't horrible, definitely a bit better than the other ones I've touched for Tooncrap. The problem is it just doesn't feel like it has a reason to exist. What I mean is that the trial was pointless guilt tripping of the planeteers, who were good people doing good things. Whether the yeti and the animals knew that is beyond me, but if this was a trial for some other random humans, that weren't protectors of the environment like the planeteers, than the moral would hold more weight. For as absurd as this story was, it would have worked better as an educational cartoon, and not a Captain Planet episode.
Plus, despite being the namesake of the show, Captain Planet really felt unnecessary in the grand scheme of things. He only had like a minute and a half of time in the entire series, and barely enough time for amazing puns. I get that the planeteers are the real protagonists, but jeez, give the blue guy some love. So, yeah, in the end, this was crap, but maybe not the worst crap. Just something that wasn't needed from a series that never needed to last six seasons.
But if we learned anything in this whole thing, it's that Jim Cummings is evil. He is the living embodiment of every evil Italian, Australian, and bulldozer operator there is. He probably invented acid rain and cavemen too.
Though he was Darkwing Duck, so I guess I can forgive him. I love you Jim Cummings!