A Beastly Abortion
Disney: 1991
It's no secret that in the world of Disney, there have been some major stinkers. Like, for instance, Aladdin. A movie so bad, that I had a hard time sitting through it one year ago today. But as bad as that wretched dreck is, it's nothing on the Razzie nominated bomb, Beauty and the Beast. A movie with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
Memorable Characters? Nope.
Good Story? No sir.
Entertaining musical score? No way.
It's a steaming, stinking, pile of tooncrap that needs to be given a much needed slap around. So, let's not waste any more time. Let's review this stinker.
We open our film with a shot of Beauty and the Beast dancing, with a very bland song playing in the background.
Now, the first thing I gotta note is how bad the animation is. I know this movie was a year before Aladdin, but wow is this a step down for the animation department at Disney. And it doesn't get any better. And the 2nd is, um, spoiler alert perhaps? It's not even a minute into this film, and already it's looking like a happy ending.
After this quick song, we meet our protagonist, Beauty. Which is odd, because I swear most people refer to her as Belle, and the misleading cover art has her a brunette. Still, this is our hero. She greets her rich bitch sisters Elisha and Pauline, who are quick to mock Beauty's enjoyment of helping the poor. Hmm, uppity ugly sisters? Why do I get the feeling I've seen this shtick before? Oh right, it's similiar in the 1951 classic Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, only they were evil conjoined twin sisters.
Meanwhile, their father is coming to the realization that the clerks he hired to run his businesses have robbed him blind. Leaving him, his sons and daughters, headded straight to the poor house. So, the family end up moving into a farm. But, not even 2 minutes later in this film, good news seems to come around for them again, as one of their ships has docked, with possible spices and other valuable ilk. The sisters bicker their father for stuff on the possibility of their reclaimed wealth, while Beauty only wants a rose, because she's an uber babyface.
However, upon inspection of the ship, Father's hopes of reclaiming his fortune are dashed, as there's no ilk or spices of any kind. And, as if his day couldn't blow any more, during a lightning storm he ends up lost in the woods. He eventually finds a castle, and despite not seeing anybody around, assumes he's welcomed in. He makes himself at home, eats a meal, and nods off for the night. The next day, Father begins to head home, but not before taking a rose to give Beauty. This however, causes the weather to get windy and ominous for some reason, and it also introduces us to the Beast.
The Beast throws a hissy fit over Father taking one of his precious roses, ready to murder the literally poor man. When Father mentions that he was going to give it to Beauty, Beast devises a new plan. Have Father send Beauty to die at the Beast's hands instead, or he can just give Beauty the rose, and still be killed by the Beast. And if he doesn't comply, he'll just kill them both for the helluvit. For a Disney character, he's pretty damn bloodthirsty.
Okay, that seemed too silly to be accidental..
So, Father decides to give Beauty the rose, and sacrifice his own life. However, when Beauty becomes guilt tripped over the rose, she offers to go instead. The two head to the castle and meet with the bloodthirsty Beast. The deal becomes final, with Beauty now forced to stay in the castle forever, while her Father is sent home with tons of treasure to "lessen the pain". But in all honesty, it's a way of saying "Thanks for letting me perform horrible acts on your fair daughter." This angers the old codger, but Beauty forces him to leave with treasure in tow. That night, Beauty is ready for the beastialty that awaits her, but instead...
Gets a maid?
Actually, this is Clara. An enchantress that just so happens to live at the castle as the Beast's house... I mean castlekeeper. After we're introduced to this useless character, Beast shows up and informs Beauty that he's gone soft, and will not kill her. She's welcome to whatever she wants, except for escape of course. He then makes mention of wanting to marry her, to which she somewhat dreads/seems turned on to. That night, she looks for her bedroom when...
OH SHIT! IT'S THE PHANTOM BLOT!!!
No, it's just Clara tangled in a black sheet. She informs Beauty of where her room is. The room is decked out for her, containing a big bed and plenty of dresses. Beauty nods off, but in the middle of the night, she's visited by the fairy of the castle.
How many friggin' people live in this damn place?
The fairy warns Beauty that despite the Beasts supposed kind intentions, he's really a stone hearted prick. 6 months pass, as Beauty is more accustomed to castle life. She talks to Clara about the fairy's warnings, but Clara tells her that since the Beast is obviously been kind for half a year, then obviously the fairy was full of crap. That night, Beast asks Beauty to go to the balcony and dance with him. Gotta say, this is a very underwhelming scene. All the stuff I heard about great special effects, and a great song is actually just a quick 40 second scene at best. No wonder this earned Disney a Razzie nom. This is shameful.
Beast intentions weren't just to dance, but to pop the question. However, Beauty declines. I guess six months of kindness, and free accomodations wasn't enough to throw the poor sod a bone. She asks to visit her family. He begins to complain that he'll die of lonliness, but she assures him that she'll come back in a week. He eventually sees it her way, and lets her go. He gives her a magic ring that can apparently give her the power to teleport back home, and back to the castle if she desires. They dance again to the same reused animation, and Beauty heads off to sleep. But not before the fairy comes back to in her dream to tell Beauty to just leave without returning, and letting Beast die in the process. Beauty doesn't buy it, until the fairy informs her that he's a killer. And for her big finale, shoots a blast of light in the sky, which causes the voices of Beasts victims to wail out to Beauty. So, in a nutshell, the poor girl's got some stuff to mull over.
Just as Beast promised, the ring causes her to return back home to her once again wealthy family. She informs the family about the ring and that the Beast will be dead in a week, and that she plans to return. This arouses the ire of Pauline and Elisha, who plan to keep her past the week, so Beast will die, and she'll have to envy them. Yep, she's going to envy these two nasally hags because they aided in the murder of someone she considers a friend.
Pauline and Elisha blow.
And despite their obvious bitchiness, she gives in and continues to stay. However, before Beauty can commit lonelycide on the Beast, Clara shows up to bring Beauty back to the castle. She returns to notice the flowers wilted, and Beast unconscious on the balcony. She heads to his side...
But sadly, Beast is dead.
Oh right, this is a Disney film. We need a quick fix happy ending. And in this case, the power of Beauty's tears not only revive the Beast...
But also manage to turn him human. Alright then.
Actually, it's her "pure heart" and her allowing to be his wife that actually broke the spell. So, the two dance one more time, and the movie finally comes to an end.
And that's Disney's Beauty and the Beast. What a pile of trash. Bad animation, no songs, awful voice acting, and and absolute lackluster plot. This was a major step down from what Disney had brought with their 1989 animated classic "The Littlest Hobo". It's a snorefest of a film with plot holes. In the end, what was the point of the fairy? Clara was the best comic relief they could come up with? This movie is a black eye that Disney has never recovered from. This is almost embarrasing as the infamous "Song of the South Dakota". It's a beautifully disasterous pile of tooncrappy drek.
But considering the cult fanbase this movie has, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not seeing the positives this may have. Maybe I didn't give it a chance. Maybe I just reviewed a really bland Golden Video version as a lame April Fools prank. Who knows? Oh wait, I DO know.
