Donkey Kong Country

Banana Shamma!

Nelvana/France 2: 1996

What an interesting month of video game themed cartoons it's been. We've looked at the likes of Zelda, Double Dragon, Darkstalkers, and now we finish off the mad monkey trilogy of Donkey Kong cartoons.

Despite the successes of Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr, after the video game crash of 84, it seemed like DK got lost in the shuffle, and wouldn't appear in another major game after Donkey Kong 3 in 1984. That is, until 1993 saw a major resurgence in both DK and Junior. Junior would appear as a playable racer in Super Mario Kart, and Donkey Kong would make his big return on the Game Boy. But that wasn't what really brought the big ape back to the big stage. in 1994, Rare, a video game company responsible for the critically successful Battletoads, offered to take the main monkey of gaming to the next level. And what we got was easily one of the most important video games of the 90's, Donkey Kong Country.



A side scroller with pre-rendered 3D graphics, it was unlike anything anyone had ever seen at the time. But besides it's technical beauty, it had a great soundtrack, and was most importantly, fun as hell to play. It would spawn 2 sequels, one that perhaps far surpasses the original, and the other..... Eh, it's okay. Needless to say, Donkey Kong was a success again.

And like I've said countless times before, almost anything successful in the 80's or 90's had an animated series.

Unlike the previous 90's video game toons I've inducted this month, this video game toon was created by major Canadian animation company Nelvana, as well as a French channel known as France 2. Obviously since the games were known for their graphics, this toon had to be CGI, which at the time was starting it's boom with the likes of Reboot and Toy Story.

I first heard of this cartoon interestingly enough when a new television channel was set to make it's debut. That channel was Teletoon.



Teletoon is Canada's equivalent of Cartoon Network. And as a kid of 12 at the time, I was still very much in love with the idea of a 24 hour cartoon channel. And when ads started popping up on channels showing the many shows coming when it debuted, the one that stood out for me was Donkey Kong Country. I couldn't wait. While I was a Genesis owner, I had played DKC and was a massive fan. So a cartoon that would represent the action, and fun of the games was something I was definitely down for. Finally the big day arrived. Teletoon hit the airwaves on October of 1997, I was pumped. I watched every show from beginning of the day on till end. Hell, I even watched Charlie Brown's retarded brother Caillou (Which was the very first cartoon to air on the channel BTW), and I knew that the show I was waiting for was slowly approaching. Finally, Donkey Kong Country aired, and.......

unimpressed would be the nicest term.

Simply put, Imagine Donkey Kong with less of the action, half decent voice acting, and the biggest offender, and what killed it for me... crappy songs. And I mean Beyond Crappy. Hell they almost make Sonic Under....


Uh, let's just get to the review. Let us not talk about that.

Let's review this thing.

We'll be looking at the show's essential major episode arc, "The Legend of the Crystal Coconut". A four episode compilation that was later released on video as a "Movie". You know, one of those BS movies that are really just episodes from the show.


Like this for example.




We start our "Movie" with DK's sidekick Diddy making an ass of himself as he plays with his reflection in the crystal coconut. Until Cranky Kong, the angry old geezer of the show, closes the coconut, causing Diddy to pinch his finger. He opens up the coconut again, and Diddy is relieved that his pain is gone.

Dude, you got pinched in the finger. It's not like you have lupus.

Since Diddy and Donkey Kong can't sleep, they want to hear the story of the Crystal Coconut. Cranky agrees, provided they leave him the hell alone afterward. And being the douche he is, rushes through the story to get the two morons out of his home. He mentions that the great Inca Dinca Doo (Really?) chose DK to be the future ruler for reasons nobody knows (Uh, because it's his country?)



DK, impatient that he knows jack about his vague destiny (Great, so he's Timmy Brisby all of a sudden), goes to see Inca Dinca Doo seeking information. And how does he ask for it? Through Song of course. While he;s singing, the Inca tells him that "to learn everything, he must give up everything". DK still has no clue what the talking rock means by this, so DK decides that he should give away the Crystal Coconut.



Meanwhile, we meet our main baddies, the kremlings (or more importantly his two moronic henchmen Klump and Krusha), run by King K Rool. The only Way i can compare K. Rool is.. well, he reminds me of Mr. Belvedere as Bowser in that infamous Mario on Ice clip.

No, I'm not making that last statement up.

Klump, the military croc of the group tells K Rool that DK has given them the crystal coconut. Why, I haven't the foggiest since this is his main god damned enemy. But that would make this 80+ minute "Movie" about 75 or so minutes shorter, now wouldn't it? He's ecstatic that he finally has the one thing he's wanted since this show began, and vows that no one will ever take it from him.

cut to the 2nd villain for this "movie", Captain Scurvy, who's come to claim the coconut, and deal with his toothache. Cut to... Well, a rather good pirate shanty. While I rag on the quality of most of the songs, the pirate tunes, I will admit, are pretty entertaining.

DK goes back to the inca proud of his accomplishments, but still gets the same message as before. DK tells Cranky, who is quite pissed (but then again Cranky is his name), as the pirates show up to claim the coconut. Cut back to K Rool who is still gloating over owning the coconut, until he learns that DK just gave it to them. And being the paranoid lizard he is, believes it's a trick. He tells Klump to give the coconut back to DK. And hey, since it hasn't been at least 3 minutes since the last song, it's time for yet another damn song. 3 songs, and roughly only 10 minutes in. Oh, this is gonna hurt.

While K Rool's henchmen try to find DK, he shows up at K Rool's hideout asking for the coconut back. Which causes K Rool to whine because he realizes he's a damn moron who gave away the one thing he's been after. While that's happening, Krusha and Klump show up at Cranky's to give the coconut back. But since Cranky's as paranoid as K Rool, he lures them into countless traps, until they eventually give him the coconut. But realizing the pirates are after the it, he gives the coconut to Diddy as he teleports (yes, Cranky can do that when the coconut's around apparently) to DK. Diddy, realizing he's screwed if he tries to defend the coconut on his own, takes it to Inca Dinca Doo. But hey, the pirates just happened to know that's where he was going. But it's DK to the rescue... until the pirates have him, Diddy, and Cranky surrounded. DK throws the coconut at Captain Scurvy, knocking his bad tooth out. And since it's pirate oath, he lets DK have the coconut back. DK still moans about not knowing his destiny, and this whole "wild goose chase" plot finally comes to an end.

Now it's time for the 2nd episode.. I mean part of our "movie".



We kick it off with DK and Diddy playing secret agents with their walkie talkie bananas, as Klump and Krusha spy on them and try to steal their walkie talkies, who Klump believes is a special secret agent weapon.

Boy, villains sure know how to pick henchmen don't they?





DK and Diddy find what looks to be a batarang on a rock. While that happens, our moronic henchmen steal one of the walkie talkies, and give it to K Rool. Knowing this, DK and Diddy mess with them by pretending the batarang thing is a special amulet that is better than the crystal coconut. They send the lizards to the aptly named "forbidden forest". Cranky, who scolds them on practical joking, proves himself a hypocrite by telling them the amulet is cursed, and sends them into the forest as well. Funky Kong (who's as over the top Jamaican as can be) warns him that he'll get his in the end. And since we need to shoehorn them into this plot too, the pirates are back. Hey, at least we get another decent shanty.

Klump and Krusha, proving how useful they've been so far, get stuck in quicksand, forcing K Rool to go into the forest himself. Cranky discovers the pirates are around, and goes to warn DK. While leaving the coconut in the hands of funky, who proves to be almost as useless as funky, as he's easily stopped by the pirates. While that's going on, DK and Diddy are wandering the forest. DK's worried about possibilities of an evil bog monster, as Diddy gives him crap for being a pussy. That is until Cranky shows up to warn them of the pirates. So our two stop dealing with the amulet that had nothing to do with the plot so far, and head off to get the coconut and Cranky. Meanwhile, Scurvy overhears K Rool over the walkie talkie talk about the amulet, and sets off the get it.


These wild goose chases getting tired yet?

K Rool gets the coconut, as DK confronts him. K Rool gloats about his victory, only to get stuck in the quicksand. The day is saved, and the amulet was just Funky's boomerang. The end of episode.. I mean part 2.





We kick off our 3rd part as DK is in his home throwing banana peels on the floor, causing Diddy to act like an ass like always, and pretend to die. But DK's sloth causes himself to slip, and have a nasty fall, resulting in the deadest of beaten dead horse storylines, amnesia. Diddy leaves the empty memory monkey on his own as he looks for Cranky, and DK, of course wanders off. And hey, the pirates are back. This time around, they convince our amnesia riddled simian that he's a pirate, and has to get the crystal coconut for them. And sadly, no sea shanty this time around, instead another rather generic song. Eh, they ran their course with the 2nd anyhoo. The pirates raid everybody in Kongo Bongo, including King K'Belvedere.

It doesn't take long for K'Rool to realize his nemesis is now an amnesiac, and tries to convince him to join up with him and steal the crystal coconut for him. But DK's planned thievery is put to a stop by an animated intervention from all the Kongs, who try to jog his memory, clip show style. But it fails to work, at least until he slips and hits a tree, causing coconuts to crack his cranium. With his memories back, DK gets the coconut, and the bad guys are quickly vanquished. End of part 3.

We finish this damn movie, with, once again, the pirates back to capture the coconut. DK fends them off. But K'Rool actually succeeds in getting the coconut. Oh goody, more chasing after that retarded bauble. That plot didn't get tired immediately.



After that encounter, we head to the barrel factory where we meet Candy Kong, DK's love interest, and Bluster, this show's Antoine, only more ofa a douchepuss. Bluster's attempts to hit on Candy are cut short, as K'Rool shows up and tries to take the factory. Bluster, being both the owner, and a bitch, immediately gives it to him. Our fat crocadoofus uses the factory to make exploding barrels so he can finally put a stop to the Kongs once and for all. But once again, it's DK and Diddy to the rescue, as they chase the reptilian villains into a mine cart chase. I'd mark out for that, but I'm so sick of this cartoon by now. That, and I hated those damn stages.




Surprisingly, for being the bitch of the show, it's Bluster who saves the coconut. DK and Diddy return it to Cranky, only for the Pirates to recapture it. So yeah, more chasing, as the Kongs end up on the pirate ship and captured in barrels. It seems like all is lost, until one of those Klap Trap enemies from the game shows up. He makes a deal with them (Through song of god damn course) to get his teeth back. So, it's more fighting, and chasing, and monotony, until Klap Trap gets his teeth back, and destroys the pirate ship. The end.

And that's Donkey Kong Country in a nutshell... err, banana skin. While the CGI is decent for it's time, the plot devices are paper thin, the songs aren't catchy save for the pirate shantys, and overall it's just a very forgettable experience, just like the other Donkey Kong cartoons. And with that, we finally say goodbye to Game Over month, and I know that it's gonna be a long time until I look at another video game cartoon agai..

...You probably should ignore that.... 0_0

Donkey Kong Junior

The son also flaws

Ruby Spears: 1983

HEY KIDS! Do you love video games?


YEAH!

Do you love cartoons?


YEAH!

Do you love Scrappy Doo?


HELL NO!

Well suck it up, because we have to deal with Donkey Kong Junior.

On our last induction, we talked about the Saturday Supercade. A cartoon block that aired on CBS from 83-85. It featured cartoons from many of the big video game characters of the time, including Donkey Kong. But DK wasn't the only ape in the block, his son would also have an animated short, and if you can believe it, it's just as crappy. Take the already tired "teen mystery/animal mascot" plot, and make it less interesting, and bingo, we have our Donkey Kong junior.

So, let's not monkey around much more, let's review this thing.

Let's start off by talking about our two main characters for this series.



First off is Donkey Kong Junior (Voiced by Frank Welker), Like I've said, he's kinda like Scrappy Doo, only less annoying, but still overambitious, and a little headstrong. And like Scrappy, he too has an annoying catchphrase. Puppy Power? Try Monkey Muscle instead. The story goes that Junior came all the way from the jungle to finally see his father, Donkey Kong. However, because DK is too busy being chased by Mario, and easily manipulated by crooks (And Pauline adds nothing to the table). Junior becomes depressed until he runs into a biker kid named Bones.



Bones is essentially the Shaggy to Junior's Scooby, only much less of a pussy. But unlike Shaggy, Bones has far less personality. His job is to give Junior some hope that they'll find his moron of a father, You know, while they get themselves in some wacky misadventures along the way.

So, we've looked at the characters, not let's look at some episodes. And since it's summer right now, we'll start off appropriately with "A Christmas Story".


Sadly, Ralphie is nowhere to be seen.



We open our episode with Junior lamenting about another Christmas without his father, as he and Bones have to deal with their motorcycle being frozen. While looking around town for help, they run into a rather chatty kid, who tells them that they can get help from Santa's Helper, a toymaker named Mr. Anderson.






ANDERSON!!!!





The chatty child also mentions Anderson's machine that can make any toy. This attracts the attention of two evil hobos, who wish to steal the toy machine, and become rich. After some goofy hijinx involving Bones making toy airplanes that chase him, the hobos steal the machine. But our heroes give chase, disguised as snowmen, and knock a tree down, stopping the hobo truck. Still disguised, they then mess with the heads of our hobo villains, and finally capture them. Or at least until wacky old Bones accidentally frees them. They track down the villains to a toy store, where they plan to sell the machine. So Junior decides to stop them by having Bones dress up...


As the least convincing Santa Claus in the world.

However, the toy salesmen wants nothing to do with our hobo antagonists and their magic toy machine that they have no idea how to use. Our heroes try to put a stop to them again, until once again Bones screws up, causing them to escape. The hobos enter an apartment building to make toys, as our protagonists follow. They corner the villains on top of the roof, get the machine back, and finally stop the hobos without Bones' wacky hijinx. The episode ends with Santa showing up, and giving everyone presents.

Since there's enough time to run through another episode, let's look at the 13th, and final episode of the series "Double or Nothing".



Our episode begins with Bones and Junior going to meet Bones' cousin Lucy Belle. I guess at this point they realized it was pointless to look for Junior's deadbeat dad. Lucky Belle is set to inherit an old mansion, But their reunion is cut short as Lucy Belle is kidnapped by our villains of the episode, who want to keep her from going to the reading of the will. Our heroes give chase, but lose the villains in the fog. They call it quits, until Junior comes up with a plan to ensure Lucy Belle gets the mansion. And that's to dress Bones up as Lucy Belle, considering they look so much alike.



Good lord, he looks like the long lost 3rd Cinderella stepsister.

They meet the caretakers of the mansion/villains of the episode (including a rather amorous and grabby handyman), while they hear the reading of the will. The only way for Lucy Belle to inherit the mansion is if she deciphers some sort of puzzle, but since this is Bones, he knows jack about how to solve it. But his puzzle solving is also cut short, as he too is kidnapped. Junior comes to the rescue of Bones, but the mysterious villain gets away. Our heroes save Lucy Belle, and take her back to the mansion to work on the puzzle, while they put a stop to the villains. All while Bones is still in drag BTW. They finally competently capture the villains in a giant pie, until silly old bones gets the heel of his shoe caught in a hole in the floor, sending him flying back, hitting Junior, causing them to escape.

Even a Bones in drag is as useless as regular bones.

Bones get found out, and the villains give chase to the real Lucy Belle. DK Junior comes to the rescue, and finally defeats the villains, who are revealed to be some of the people at the will reading (Betcha didn't see that coming). The episode ends with the puzzle solved, Lucy Belle getting the mansion, and Bones still in drag. Considering this is like a while after the need for the outfit, It just makes me a bit concerned.

And that's essentially Donkey Kong Junior. Again, not the worst cartoon, but not good. It feels like a far less inspired teen mystery cartoon, None of the characters are all that interesting, the animation is decent at best, and Bones is perhaps more useless than Pauline. At least she doesn't make things worse. And I stick by my belief that Junior is essentially Scrappy sans the annoyance that Scrappy possesses.

And with that, I hope you enjoyed Game Over...

(whispers)

What? I have to review one more?

(whispers)

But I already reviewed Donkey Kong...



Awww crap.

Donkey Kong

A Monkey of a Mess

Ruby Spears: 1983

Well, Game Over month is coming to a close, but before it does, it's time to look back at the animated history of one of gaming's most iconic characters, oh, and that mustached guy too. Donkey Kong made his debut as a hit arcade game from Nintendo on June 2nd, 1981. The game starred you as Jumpman, later renamed Mario, who has to survive 4 crazy levels to rescue his beloved Pauline (of course this is before he whored himself for royalty). The game was an instant success, and of course Mario and DK have become major faces in the rich history of Nintendo and video games. And like I've said before, if it's a success, chances are there's a cartoon series. And in DK's case, there was. It was part of the Saturday Supercade cartoon block. The Saturday Supercade was a half hour animated block that aired from 1983-1985 on CBS. On it contained animated adaptations for many classic gaming titles such as Q*Bert, Frogger, Pitfall Harry, and of course, Donkey Kong.

Now you may be wondering why I'm just focusing on DK and not the rest of the shows. Well, at this point I haven't been able to find full episodes for most of the cartoons, save for Donkey Kong. And what I saw was definitely a goofy, yet utterly forgettable cartoon. So, is it Tooncrap worthy? Well, whip out some Buckner and Garcia, and do the Donkey Kong, as we review this thing.

Let's start by talking about our cast of characters.



First is DK himself (Voiced by none other than the legendary Soupy Sales). He's the star attraction of the circus, who's escaped, and is constantly chased after in every episode by Mario and Pauline. DK's a nice ape, but as the series would constantly show, is also extremely gullible.



Next up is Pauline, who honestly adds nothing to the cartoon. Zero. Other than constantly accompanying Mario, she's really just there because

A. She's in the game
B. She's the only major female in the series
C. Who else is going to yell "Look out Mario! Donkey Kong is doing something! Oh No!" I mean, who else is gonna do it? Dick Vitale? Because I would actually mark for that.

And from there we get to Mario, iconic face of video gaming. Hero to millions. Cash cow to Nintendo...


Really, really off friggin' model?

Yep, that's our favorite Italian Plumber, sans the big nose, stereotypes, and personality. He's the Wile E. Coyote to DK's Road Runner, only he's far from a super genius, and far from likable.

Now that we know a little about our characters, let's get to some episodes. And we'll start with the episode "The Great Ape Escape"

We kick off our episode as Mario and Pauline in the "so not the Mystery Machine" circus van, are chasing after our primate protagonist. DK leaps onto a wall as Mario sets off his most daring plan to capture DK yet....



Disguise himself as a banana, and catapult himself at DK. He then sprays DK with sleeping gas, but that doesn't work as our monkey main character just blows it back at Mario, and jumps over the wall. and that wall just so happens to be the local prison. Inside the prison, two inmates are planning their escape, when they run into Donkey Kong. And since DK is a gullible moron of a monkey, he easily helps them. They even dress him up in a prison uniform...



And yet he still looks more dignified in stripes than Batista.



While the two no goodnicks easily manipulate our moronic monkey, Mario and Pauline are above them in a hot air balloon that looks like it was on loan from Care A Lot. Mario once again has a master plan to lure DK, and this time it's a rope ladder made out of bananas. I got to admit these are both the most creative, and most retarded ideas I've ever head of.But it eventually fails as DK pops Mario's balloon. So with that plan fizzled out, Mario and Pauline, disguised as chefs (with Pauline wearing a mustache because... I dunno she has a little tranny in her), and chase after him yet again. And yet again, Mario proves how much he's a failure by, well, failing.




So, it's time for the big prison football game, where DK dominates, until Mario, now dressed as a Referee, tries once again to capture him. And once again, Mario fails. And Pauline, does nothing, as usual. While all the silliness happens, DK and the two convicts escape. Cut to the convicts eventually cornered on top of a building. Mario, now dressed as a cop (why, I haven't the foggiest. What is this, Super Mario Cosplay?) and Pauline head to the top of the building, and finally tell DK that he was duped. He cages the baddies, and throws them in the paddy wagon. Mario tries to catch him, and fails again, as DK flies away on a hot air football.

So, with that we've pretty much seen the main plot to pretty much every episode. One or two crooks are trying to steal something, and they manipulate DK. Meanwhile Mario tries to capture him, and fails like the mustachioed moron he is. And Pauline does absolutely nothing like she always does. So, let's finish this induction by looking at one more episode. one with another name from DK's past. "Greenhouse Gorilla"

We open out episode just like the last, with DK running from the Mystery Machine... I mean circus van. He jumps into a plant nursery that belongs to Dr. Stanley. That's right, the same Stanley from everyone's "favorite" Donkey Kong game, Donkey Kong 3.


Who interestingly enough looks more like Mario in this cartoon than Mario.

Also in the nursery is our main villain, who wants to steal Stanley's prized metal eating plant Herman. he soon discovers DK, and because the monkey's a moron, our villain easily manipulates him to steal the plant. When Stanley tries to recover his plant, DK throws hives of bees at him, as he escapes in the back of the bad guy's truck.

I usually don't steal material from other reviewers, but when is this opportunity going to come again?

BEE THROWING BEE THROWING BEE THROWING
BEE THROWING BEE THROWING BEE THROWING
BEE THROWING BEE THROWING BEE THROWING

I really have to stop reading Blogger Beware...



Stanley eventually runs into Mario and Pauline, as the trio work together to find Donkey Kong and Herman. The villain takes DK to a supermarket, where our hairy hero feeds the plant metal tools, and eventually the cash register. Mario and the gang show up, and Mario tries to capture DK with his Vacuum trap. And of course, being Mario in this cartoon, he fails miserably because of the, you know, metal eating plant. Stanley tries to help, but is just as useless. And Pauline does nothing important as usual. The villain gives DK a fancy suit, and tells him that they're going to a banquet.



And we also learn the villain's name is Mr. X. How creative.

Mario, Pauline, and Stanley, disguised as hired help (where the hell do they keep getting these costumes? What circus has a maid outfit for crying out loud), enter the fancy banquet where DK, Herman, and Mr. X are. Pauline eventually does something useful and tells DK of Mr. X being a crook, and DK eventually puts a stop to the crook, before yet again escaping. The End.

And that's Donkey Kong in a Nutshell. While not the worst cartoon, it's definitely not very good either. The plot formula is the same in every episode, the animation is decent at best, and none of the characters are all that interesting, even the gullible hero DK. This one is definitely a rotten banana, but is it any worse than the other Supercade cartoon featuring his offspring? We'll see next time, when we review Donkey Kong Jr.

Darkstalkers

A Monster Mash of Mediocrity

Dic: 1995

I'll make an admittance before I start this week's induction for GAME OVER month. I actually have never played any of the Darkstalkers titles, nor am I experienced in the lore of the franchise. But even with the lack of knowledge on the series, I still know what constitutes as an animated atrocity. And the American Darkstalkers cartoon is indeed an atrocity worth talking about.

Darkstalkers (Or Vampire in Japan) is an Arcade fighting franchise from Capcom. Essentially, it's Street Fighter with monsters. I'm sure there's a plot behind it, but let's be honest. Rarely does anyone play a fighting game to be engrossed in the story, so rarely does a cartoon, or movie based on the franchise work well. Case in point with Darkstalkers, our induction du Jour. Just like Zelda, and Double Dragon, Dic picked up the rights to the franchise in order to make another cartoon, this time for the USA network...

And like the franchises before, it blew tremendously. Suffering from the cocktail of bad story, mediocre animation, and an all around annoying time. So, let's look at this monster of a mess, and let's review this thing.

You know what kind of intros I hate. Ones that are spent explaining the plot in a rather dry monologue. Only two cartoons I know have been able to do it right. He-Man, and Reboot. At least those two had excellent music to accompany it. Darkstalkers has a rather generic rock theme only broken a couple times with "We're the Dark............................. Stalkers!" And you also know that the intro was an afterthought when the opening consists of clips from the show, or like most occasions, the first episode. It simply says to me, "why should I continue when they've clearly given up a minute in?" Because I'm reviewing this crap, that's why.




We kick off our first episode "Out of the Dark" as a giant space ship sneaks past a space shuttle. Why they couldn't just destroy the shuttle instead of sneaking past it makes no sense to me. We meet our main antagonist, Pyron, who is pissed that the Earth no longer has any intelligent inhabitants to worship him. So instead of just blowing up the planet, he decides instead to awaken the monsters of old to do his dirty work. He awakens Dimitri, the supposed last of the vampires, who doesn't take his new employment very well. However, Pyron quickly kicks his blood sucking butt. After some bargaining, Dimitri eventually has no problem with being general to Pyron's big intergalactic hullabaloo.



Cut to Scotland (You can tell it's Scotland thanks to the stupid bagpipe music) as Morrigan, a succubus, is beamed up on the ship. She battles with Dimitri for a bit, until Pyron eventually tells them to cut the crap.




Next on the list is a werewolf named John Talbain, who is the first to escape being beamed up. This cartoon finally gives me an unintentional laugh as Talbain gets chased by a red spotlight. Next we head to Cairo, as a pyramid is lifted up from underground, and our next baddie, Anarkaris, is awakened, and appears to be suffering from Perry Saturn syndrome, as he proclaims "There are lizards in my pants", and to "bring forth gravy, and dancing frogs".


"That's gimmick infringement! I mean, uh... Monkeys eat bacon to confuse Newt Gingrich. You're Welcome!"



Next is Bishamon.... Or Hashimon as this cartoon calls him, who pretty much says "Screw resisting" and gets beamed up. Next is our Zombie British rocker...


Close...


There we go, there's our Lord Raptor.

With the willing baddies now in his alliance, it's time to go after the "Difficult ones". Because lord knows this episode hasn't introduced enough characters.





And we start with Victor, an emo Arnold Swarzenegger Frankenstein who is the 2nd to avoid the evil red spotlight. Followed by a whining narcissistic fishman named Rikou. Next up is the white Captain Caveman.. I mean Bigfoot, and his whiny nephew Hairball. Who, along with his tribe, stop the evil glowing spotlight with snowballs. I kid you not. Frigging Snowballs.

Dimitri is a moron.

And in between each failed attempt, Morrigan chews him out for being said moron, and Pyron bitches at them for wanting to kill humans.



And we finally meet our last monster of the bunch, the obligatory catgirl, Felicia. She gets chased by the spotlight, all while screaming that she needs to find the sorcerer. She heads to a mansion and turns into a cat. A kid named Harry exits the mansion, sees our now more feline female, and brings her in. The next day he wakes up to the wet dream of many an anime fan out there...


A catgirl in his bedroom. Lucky douche.

Felicia learns that the sorcerer she's looking for was Harry's great great, great, grandfather. She tells him of Dimitri, but he doesn't believe her. Despite there being a GOD DAMNED CATWOMAN ON HIS BED! Or at least until Dimitri's floating head shows up. And Dimitri, being a moron as I've already pointed out, believes that Harry is the sorcerer. Felicia saves him, as the two run away. Back to our whiny Frankenstein, who returns to his castle, and embraces his father, who's nothing more than a skeleton in a chair. Back to Felicia and Harry, who are at her place, as we learn that Harry is indeed a trained sorcerer to end this episode.

And that's as much of Darkstalkers as I can take. It's just annoying. The animation is decent at best, most of these characters are barely one dimensional, and because you demanded it I guess, we have a pigeonholed kid who in the end is more important to the plot than the actual characters. For some odd reason I'm instantly reminded of something I've reviewed before. A really crappy cartoon that I watched last year, I just can't put my finger on...


Oh bloody hell.

Yep, I'm instantly reminded of Monster in My Pocket. A bunch of monsters fighting each other, and an annoying obligatory kid protagonist that's improtant to the plot. The only difference is these monsters aren't shrunk, and it's a boy this time. Oh well, at least the werewolf isn't Jamaican.

And with that, we head into our fourth induction for Game Over month..



and I finally can start to get this Monkey off my Back.