A Troll in Central Park

A-Troll-cious

Warner Bros: 1994

Back in the Rock-A-Doodle induction, I talked about how the 90's wasn't exactly kind to Don Bluth, who in the 80's had seen one critical success after another with his animated films. Many believe it has to do with the mixed success of All Dogs go to Heaven, as after that it seemed like all of Bluth Studios' films went to Hell.

Well, all but Anastasia, but that's another day, maybe another review?

So, today we'll be going through yet another Bluth bomb, A Troll in Central Park.


No, not that guy from Central Perk.

So, what was wrong with this film? I mean it has the usual suspects of a Bluth animated movie. Everyone's favorite fat chef Dom Deliuse,


Okay, maybe 2nd favorite.

And of course the greatest man who ever lived, the being who is known simply as CNR. And it's from the man who gave us The Land Before friggin' Time, how could this be bad?

Well, when you have a weak story, crappy characters, and an overall horrid experience, it tends to show just how bad it can be.

But maybe I'm wrong on this one. Maybe there's a hidden gem in this film. Or most likely that gem is actually a large troll turd. Only one way to find out. Let's review this thing.




We start our film in the Kingdom of the Trolls, a land of gloom, misery, and evil. We also meet our hero, Stanley, a troll with a green thumb, who returns home to his stash of sickeningly cute cartoon flowers. He brings them water, and grows a big plant with his magic thumb. But in the middle of his dendrophilia moment, he accidentally causes the plant to grow bigger than his house, which is a massive faux pas in the troll kingdom. Stanley is summoned to meet the biggest flower hater of the kingdom, Queen Gnorga (Voiced by Cloris Leachman).


Who definitely looks the part.

We get our first song. Bless Cloris for trying, but for a villain song this one is massively redundant. She sings about being the queen of mean, and how she can turn her opposition into stone. She prepares to stone our hero, before her wuss of a husband King Llort (Voiced by CNR), suggests an alternative punishment. Send him to a place where no plant could possibly grow, New York. Take a wild guess where in New York.


No, but close.

Yes, our troll gets blasted into Central Park. Seeing all of the flowers in the park, Stanley sees no problem with his new surroundings. At least until he gets chased by everything from dogs to irate squirrels. Even falling into a salad at Tavern on the green, and almost eaten by an old bald man.


Though it's still not the craziest thing to happen at Tavern on the Green.

After some more wacky hijinx, Stanley finally realizes that he's pretty much screwed as he cries his cutesy poo ass to sleep.



But since this movie can't just be about Stanley, we meet our other protagonists Gus, and his baby sister Rosie, who, like all animated children, suffer from latchkey kid syndrome, as their parents leave them for the day, pissing off Gus, who wanted to play with his remote control boat. And what a fine nanny they chose, as while vacuuming with headphones on, both of the kids easily leave the house and head to central park unattended.

Good lord, the parents from Rugrats weren't this unattentive.

And even more sad is that nobody seems to notice a like 6 year old boy carrying his sister on a red wagon walking the streets by themselves. I know this is New York, but jeez.

So Gus finally gets to use his boat, all the while not noticing his baby sister running away. She runs into our flowerphile Stanley, and carries him around and abuses him like a really ugly doll. Stanley runs away into his cave, as she follows him. And eventually, the moronic brother stops playing with his boat and follows them. Stanley tries to get Rosie to say his name, but since she's only a toddler (that knows what the hell a troll is), she can't. She laughs as he grows an obnoxious flower, but then has a panic attack at the sight of a ladybug. More cutesy poo crap ensues, and we get our 2nd song of the movie, sung by Dom Deluise. And it really isn't that good a song. Mostly because Dom Deluise was never what you would call musically sound. After the song, Gus finally shows up, and decides to be a royal prick to Stanley eventually making his sister cry.

Stay classy Gus.



Meanwhile, at stately troll manor, Queen Gnorga gets off on the sound of Rosie crying, But her tune changes after Rosie is easily entertained by dancing flowers. However, her mood changes again when she realizes how much of a douche Gus is. So she casts a spell to make him cry a lot. And I mean a lot. almost enough to flood the whole cave. All is lost for our unlikable heroes, until Stanley's deus ex machina thumb turns Gus's toy boat into a real one, big enough to save the three of them. Oh, and it can also fly.

Time for song 3, just as grating as Deluise's last song, only far more cutesy poo-ier than the previous one. As Stanley takes the kids and the boat into what I guess is dreamland. Gus, naturally, dreams of actually driving the boat around, but because he's a rambunctious little nuisance, he almost gets them killed. But since it was all just a dream, they don't die.



Meanwhile, Gnorga realizes that maybe listening to her bitch of a husband wasn't a bright idea, so she heads to Central Park to get the job done herself. Gus and Rosie leave Stanley's cave, only to be chased after by Gnorga and Llort, who are riding tricycles for some reason. After the chase sequence, they kidnap Rosie, as the animals eventually wake Stanley up. However, Stanley is a colossal wuss, so Gus confronts her instead.


Suffice is to say, it doesn't go over well.

So, instead of turning Gus into stone, she turns him into a troll. A troll that can turn things into stone.

Probably should've thought this idea through Gnorga.

And while all that happens, Rosie falls to her death.


Sigh, I'm getting awful sick of this.

Stanley beats Gnorga in a game of 1 2 3 4, I declare a thumb war, as they escape in their flying boat. But not until the newly trollified Gus turns Stanley into stone. The kids end up back at home, and Stanley falls into a trash can. However, because Gnorga got hit with Stanley's green thumb, she turns into a ball of flowers, and disappears into a tornado.

The kids wake up the next day like nothing happened. Oh, and their parents are actually around for more than like a minute. With Stanley still a rock, Gus suggests that they go back to Central Park, as they leave Stanley there. But apparently Gus now has a green thumb, which brings Stanley back to life, and Covers the entire stare of New York in plants. The end.

And that's a Troll in Central Park. Definitely Bluth's weakest attempt. Unlikeable protagonists, a not unlikeable enough antagonist, a weak story, and too much cutesy crap for even a kids film. It's no wonder why this was such a bomb. It's just a shame that the same company that gave us classics like An American Tail would fall on such a rough patch that was the first half of the 90's.

Also, the music was written by Barry Mann, however I am quite disappointed. I would like a refund for a massive lack of the Bomp in the Bomp Shoo Bomp Shoo Bomp. For shame Mr. Mann, for shame.