April Fools 2010 Induction: Aladdin

The following induction was intended as an April Fools joke. It does not reflect my real feelings for Aladdin. It is only meant to be taken as a larf.


Prince Ali, crappy is he, this movie's awful

Disney: 1992

Disney's rich history has provided us with many classic moments, stories that have been etched into our hearts and our minds and remind us of the glory days of our youth.

And then there are times when they provide us with garbage we wish we could forget. Case in point, the 1992 film Aladdin.

It's almost hilarious that after 2 masterpieces like The Little Mermaid, and Beauty and the Beast (which almost took home best picture), that Aladdin would be such a step down from the quality that the company was finally starting to rebuild after so many years of classic, yet sub par films. Horrible characters, the worst soundtrack in Disney, nay MOVIE history, and just plain bad animation. This movie is in need of being wished out of existence.

But maybe I'm going a bit over the top here. There's no way in hell this is as bad as I say it is, can it? Well, grab a magic carpet, and let's fly into this mess. Let's review this thing.



We start our movie in the desert, as we get our first horrid song of the movie. Our singer informs us that the place is "Where it's flat and immense, and the heat is intense". Why couldn't they come up with something more catchy and pleasing, something like "where they'll cut off your ear if they don't like your face". More tasteful, and dare I say far less racist. Our singer is a little merchant guy who sells a bunch of crappy goods. Though through some unexplained occurrence, is also the holder of a magic lamp. And he begins to tell us the tale, as we head into the desert once again. The evil baddie Jafar is waiting for a thief, who gives him a scarab thing, that when joined together with another piece of the scarab, flies off and opens up a giant cat head. This supposed cave of wonders begins to speak, saying that only the diamond in the rough can enter. Our thief friend obviously isn't the one, as he gets eaten by the talking cat head cave, as it descends back into the ground. Jafar, and his cohort Iago (Voiced by comedian and former tenor Gilbert Gottfried) are screwed until they can find this diamond in the rough.


No, not Diamond in the Kimberly.


Nor the Diamond in the Shoo Bop



We then meet our protagonist, local street rat Aladdin (voiced by Steve from Hangin' With Mr. Cooper) as he's being chased by the palace guards for stealing some bread. We get to our next song "one jump ahead". Nothing about this song is the least bit catchy, or creative. Just dull, and poorly written. We also meet the charming, and not douchey in the least bit monkey pal of Aladdin, Abu (Voiced by known hack Frank Welker). Aladdin escapes with his bread intact, as he and his monkey pal get to eat. Or at least they would've, until Aladdin's foolish heart decides to give his bread to some starving kids. And Abu, in no act of dickishness whatsoever follows suit and gives his food as well. But these twit children then proceed to almost get whipped by the newest suitor for the princess until Aladdin again comes to their aid. After that, another worthless song, and it's off to meet Princess Jasmine, as things with the suitor didn't quite go as hoped by her father (voiced by Douglas Seale, who you may remember was Santa Claus in Ernest Scared Stupid) . She feels she isn't a prize to be won. Why can't she be like the other Disney females who sold their souls for vaginas, or talked to rodents and animals like some sort of nutcase. Also, Jafar, who's the sultan's vizier, hypnotizes the sultan into giving him his diamond ring. They learn that Aladdin is the diamond in the rough they were after.



Tired of her life of luxury and unsuitable suitors, Jasmine escapes the palace. But soon learns that merchants are pricks, as an altercation with one almost leads to ending up with one hand. Aladdin comes to her aid. after escaping, we get our first bit of mild love interest between the two. At least until the guards capture Aladdin, and throw him in the dungeon. Aladdin, realizing the woman he saved was the princess, begins to bitch about not being worthy for her. Until he meets a crazy (and obviously not Jafar in disguise) old man, who helps him escape so they can go to the cave of wonders. Upon entering, they learn from the giant cat head, that only the lamp inside can be touched. Too bad for Al, he brought the gold obsessed monkey with him. Inside they meet a magic carpet. Aladdin finds the lamp and it's smooth saili....


Aw crap.

Abu grabs a gem, causing the cat head to get quite pissed. After a daring, and poorly computer animated escape trough the lava filled cave, they make it back to surface, only to be swerved by Jafar, who takes the lamp from Aladdin, and sends him falling back into the cave. However, Abu regains the lamp before the cat head falls, screwing Jafar over yet again. Aladdin decides to rub the lamp, and out comes...



The Genie (voiced by the always calm and collected Robin Williams). Okay, it's been a while but it's time for another one of my "oh so petty rants". Whoever thought it was wise to give the role of Genie, a crazy, sporadic master of parody, to one of the most boring, quiet, and not wacky in the slightest Robin Williams deserves a kick in the face. It's bad enough that in the sequel he's voiced by Simpsons star and voice of Homer Simpson Harry Shearer, but this is just proof that if at first you can't succeed, why should you even try?

Back to the movie.



After some poorly done impressions, and one of the most boring song in the movie, Aladdin makes his first wish. To be a prince so he can win Jasmine's favor. And with his now Dumboized simian pal, and new found genie in tow, he heads to the castle to impress. Though even with another horrid song, Jasmine is far from impressed, and Jafar is annoyed that another suitor is trying to take Jasmine from him. When Al tries to talk to her, she wishes for him to drop dead. So, he jumps off her balcony.... and of course lands on the flying carpet. Now it's time for easily the most unromantic, uncreative song in Disney history "Whole New World" as Aladdin and Jasmine fly all over the world. Jasmine realizes that Aladdin is the guy she met at the marketplace, and Al continues to BS her with the whole prince shtick. And after a wonderful night, it ends appropriately... With him getting captured by the guards, and thrown off a cliff. So, with the chance of drowning approaching, Al uses his 2nd wish to escape.

Jafar gets found out for trying to hypnotize the sultan, but learns of Prince Ali's secret before he sescapes. Aladdin, now pressured with the fact that his lie's about to make him a sultan, goes back on a promise he made to Genie to wish for his freedom. And Iago is able to snatch the lamp for Jafar. And in no haste, wished to be sultan, as well as sorcerer. He finally reveals Aladdin as the fraud he is, and sends him and his simian pal on a one way trip to the frozen Tundra. Although with carpet along for the trip, they manage to return in time to face off with Jafar.




After a rather unimpressive transformation into a giant cobra, Jafar gets tricked by Aladdin to use his third wish and become an all powerful genie. However, that comes with the price of being confined to a lamp, and sent far away as possible. Jasmine still loves Aladdin despite all of his BS, Aladdin wishes Genie free, and this piece of crap finally comes to an end.

And that's Aladdin, a dismal black spot in the annals of Disney history. Poor animation, unlikable characters, horrid music, and just plain not funny. To put it simply, it's as if somebody pulled an April Fools joke on the audience, and called an excellent movie bad. But what are the chances of that?