Rock-A-Doodle

Half-Cocked

MGM: 1991

If you even remotely have some knowledge about the history of animation, then chances are you already know about Don Bluth. If not, here's the skinny. He worked as both an animator and later on an animation director for Disney back in the late 50's, working on some of the company's most beloved films like Sleeping Beauty, The Sword in the Stone, and Robin Hood. in the late 70's, he left Disney to form his own animation company, Don Bluth Productions. The company created many of the greatest animated movies of the 80's like The Secret of Nimh, An American Tail, The land Before Time, and All Dogs go to heaven. The success of his movies is supposedly the reason for Disney stepping up their game in 89 starting with the Little Mermaid. For video game buffs, Bluth productions were also the creators of the movies in video game form Dragon's Lair, and Space Ace.

But despite all of the success the 80's brought, for some reason his movies became less successful, and even more critically panned. Disney, the company he had left, had come back stronger than ever. The only movie that was a financial and commercial success for Bluth productions was Anastasia. But before that, There were a few bumps in the road. A Troll in Central Park, The Pebble and the Penguin, Thumbelina, and this week's victim, Rock-A-Doodle.

So, what's wrong with this film? Is it really that bad a film, or is it Kentucky Fried Crap? Let's review this thing.



We start the movie with the rising sun... and then zooming at rapid speed into the mouth of our rocking rooster protagonist Chanticleer (Voiced by Glen Clampbell). Being a rooster, and an Elvis knockoff, his job on the farm is to wake up the sun with his singing. We also meet our narrator Patou (Voiced by the legendary Phil Harris) who's running gimmick is that he can't tie his shoes..... Eh, it was funnier when Spongebob couldn't tie his shoes. He's stupid, Patou's just senile. So, we get our first song, and see the wacky critters who live on the farm. Everyone loves Chanticleer, and his vocal talents. But that comes to an end, when before the sun is set to come up the next day, Chanticleer gets in a donnybrook with someone sent by our villain of the picture, the Grand Duke of Owls, to distract him. Because during his scuffle, the sun comes up, proving that Chanticleer's singing had jack to do with the sun coming up every day. And what do the loving, compassionate farm pals do? Laugh his ass out of town.



And abruptly, we cut to live action, as this whole scenario was a story being told to our young protagonist Edmond, who despite his mother telling the tale to him, doesn't seem to grasp the reasons as to why the Grand Duke would do such a thing.

Because he's a douche kid. The Grand Douche of Owls.

Bu just as the farm in the story is troubled with rain, so too is the real farm that Edmond lives at, as a flood threatens to destroy their house. Edmond wants to help, but since he's still likely to drown in an inch of water, his parents leave him at home while they deal with the oncoming flood. With the levee's breaking, and his family in peril, Edmond does the one thing he feels will save the farm.... Put on a Davey Crockett hat and yell for Chanticleer.

I'm really not liking having to deal with this kid for the next 80 or so minutes.



But his call for his hero instead leads to the arrival of the Grand Duke (Voiced by Christopher "Deserves better than this" Plummer), who in learning of Edmond's desire to bring back Chanticleer and his detestable rock and roll, decides that he's gonna eat the child. Well, not exactly as a child, as he spews Lucky Charms symbols out his mouth, and turns our hero into a kitten, and his room into the cartoon equivalent. But before he can eat the annoying child/cat, Patou comes to his aid (Somehow), and Edmond shines a flashlight on the Duke, sending him flying off like a popped balloon.




We learn that Patou wears shoes he can't tie due to his bunyons (eww), and Edmond learns that he's a furry. No, seriously, he actually says "I'm a furry". And it doesn't take long for his animal instincts to kick in as one of the mice on the farm (named Peepers) shows up, and Edmond tries to eat it. And from there the entire farm shows up in Edmond's room. He realizes that he's useless, and begins to whine about it. And oh goody, it's time for the standard annoying comedic pal of the film Snipes (voiced by Eddie Deezen, who's voice you might remember immediately as Mandark from Dexter's lab). The farm animals are also trying to find Chanticleer to apologize for treating him like crap. Edmond knows how to get to the city, but whines some more, until Peepers titillates the 6 year old child into going to the city. The trio (And that annoying as hell magpie), head off to the city as the rest of the animals stay in the flooded house to fend off any owls.



And from there we head to Owl Mountain as The Duke complains about the flashlight scenario to his cronies... through song of course. Not exactly what you'd call a pleasing to the ears song. Not Gottfried bad, but not exactly Edelweiss either. And because the heroes have an annoying bird sidekick, so too does the duke in his nephew Hunch (voiced by the greatest human being who ever lived CNR) who angers the duke with the nickname "Uncle Dookie".


"What's that smell?"

Our heroes continue to sail their toybox boat, only to deal with Hunch and some owl cronies who try to kill Edmond, before the farm friends use a camera to flash the owls away.


Hey owls, say cheese.

the gang end up in an aqueduct pipe(Or adequate pipe according to Hunch) Snipes continues to prove his worth by suffering from claustrophobia, and poking holes in the boat. But despite their near drowning, they make it to the city. Back at Owl manor, the Duke is doing something truely heinous... Baking a pie. Hunch returns to annoy the Duke with his nickname, and to tell them that he thinks he killed Edmond. But the Duke quickly realizes his nephew is dyslexic, and gets pissed realizing the kid's alive and in the city.

The gang still can't find Chanticleer, until they realize that Chanticleer has changed his name to The King. Time for another song this time with "The King". And I will say, despite this movie and it's pretty dumb plot, Glen Campbell's singing in this film is excellent. He tries to capture that Elvis feel, and succeeds just enough to pass. And we also meet the love interest/jealous of the king's fame Goldie, as well as the sleazy Colonel Parker known as Pinky. We also get a rather jaunty song for the bouncers. Not necessary, but thanks. Back to the farm, as the animals are running out of flashlight power, and the Duke is ready to feast. And of course he's ready in song form. From there the Duke calls Pinky about the farm friends (While doing some embroidering. For someone concerned with Edmond and his cohorts, he sure has a lot of free time on his hands). So to keep the gang away from the king, they ban all mice, cats, birds and dogs from the building. So everyone goes inside wearing penguin suits.



Another song from The King, which is followed by Goldie, who is forced by Pink to seduce the King so he forgets about the farm. Though she ends up falling in love with him.

Face it, girls love big cocks.


I apologize.




So, with the King too lovesick to listen, our heroes try to talk to Goldie. Needless to say, it don't go over too well. The gang end up being captured and sent to the Duke. At least until Hunch shows up to screw it all up, and accidentally help them escape. Meanwhile, Goldie fesses up to Chanticleer, which pisses off Pinky. The duo escape, not before being chased by Pinky's goons. They meet up with the farm gang, not before Patou hits him with a frying pan, knocking him out. They try to escape in a pink Corvette, as Edmond's wussiness ends up getting Peepers nearly killed. After an odd little trip into Edmond's brain, he finally mans up. They try to go back and save her, only to realise that she stole Pinky's plane.

Peepers is officially the only useful character in this film. Annoying as hell, but useful.




Back to the farm, as the flashlight is out of power at last, and the animals are screwed. The owls are ready to feast... Not before singing first. But before the feasting festivities begin, Edmond and the gang show up. However, there's still one problem. Chanticleer's still in concussion mode from the pan to the cranium. That, and Hunch returns to send the plane crashing to the ground. Wow, he actually did something useful. Chanticleer finally wakes up, and learns he has to crow to wake up the sun. Though he's still having doubts due to the whole incident before, and can't crow. The Duke, elated by this, rubs it in. Edmond tries to get the crowd to cheer for Chanticleer, but gets strangled by the Duke's lucky charms breath. The actions of murder cause the crowd to cheer, which pisses off the Duke to the point of causing a giant tornado. Chanticleer eventually finds the power to crow, and the sun returns. This causes the duke to shrink tinier than a mouse for some odd reason. the rain stops, the flowers return....


And Edmond is still dead.



Of course he isn't. the power of the sun somehow turns him back into a live action child. He wakes up back in his room like the whole situation was all a dream. His mother believes her son is a lunatic for believing in a storybook, and leaves her son in his room. However, it was never a dream, as through the power of the storybook (Really?) Edmond returns on the farm in very poorly green screen glory as the movie finally comes to an end.

And that's Rock-A-Doodle. While the music from Glen Campbell is pretty good, and the animation is decent, the color feels really dull for a movie from 91. The plot isn't exactly great, and none of the characters are really interesting (Save for Peepers, the only useful annoying character). While not the worst of the 90's Bluth films, It's far from a classic.

That ends the rather short list of March inductions, but there's definitely some good things planned for April. Including one induction that's been long awaited. Let's just say this one planned is going to be a Mega Painicus Maximus.

Barbie and the Sensations in Rockin' Back to Earth

Time and Punishment

Dic: 1987

Previously on Tooncrap:

Barbie has a crappy 80's pop band. But despite being awful, she's still bigger than Jesus, and is declared the ambassador of world peace. Drunk with power, Barbie announces that she and her band will perform in outer space. They perform on a space station shaped like a flower to the entire planet, and the movie ends.

Well, I'm sure after that, you're wondering what happens next? Nah, nobody really cares what happens next. But We're gonna review it anyways.



We kick off part 2 exactly where we left off. On the giant flower station as Barbie and "Still the" Rockers are still in the middle of their concert in space. The concert finally comes to an end, and it's time for the rockers to rock back to earth. And of course, since they can't do anything without singing, they go into a music number during the ride home. But their crooning leads them to completely ignore a black hole that sucks the ship inside. But it's not just a black hole, It's a frigging time warp. Which sends them to 1959.

Wow, look at that. She's the first non-Brazilian doll to travel backwards through time.



The group meet Dr. Maryhew and his daughter Kim, and they ask if he can send them Back to the Future, which is now technically the past. And while they're waiting, it's time for another music montage, as the band dress in 50's attire, even getting a pink (Obviously) Corvette. The group head to the local malt shop. To which almost immediately upon entering they go into yet another song. Their music sending everybody into a happy frenzy.


"Chuck, it's your cousin Marvin. Marvin Berry. You know that new sound you were looking for? Well listen to this!.... Yeah, I agree, it's awful."



And like in the 80's, Barbie becomes a goddess of all things musical in the 50's. So much so, that she's set to perform at Cape Canaveral. But before she performs, Dr. Maryhew tells her about how to get back to her own time. Something to do with the planets aligning, and her musical instruments. So, on the night of the launch, and the concert, she gives Kim a locket, and some foreshadowing that they'll meet again. They head back through the time hole, and return back to their own time. Now wouldn't the odds of them ending up in a whole other time period be more likely? Screw it, there's like 4 minutes, and another crappy song left. So, one more song, and Barbie meets a grown up Kim with her own daughter. That's it.

And that's the Barbie cartoons. Absolutely awful. The animation is decent, and while I may complain, the music isn't the worst. But the fact that Barbie's some sort of bigger than Jesus entity, the fact that there is absolutely no conflict, or interesting plot just makes it completely terrible. It's no wonder that there wouldn't be another Barbie movie until 2001. And while they too aren't anything to write home about, at least there's a plot, and Barbie's not flawless.

Though it was unusual to spend 2 reviews reviewing a cartoon based on a doll, this reviewer found it impossible to stop talking. It's just really retched stuff, folks. Good night!

Oh, and the President was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night, or you can turn to another blog.

Oh. Do not turn to another blog.

Barbie and the Rockers in Out of This World

Crock and Roll

Dic: 1987


Now, you may be asking, "Aren't you a man? Why would you be picking on Barbie?"

Because I'm an equal opportunity crap reviewer. And while it can be argued that there is no such thing as a good Barbie cartoon, the choice this time around is definitely top contender for the worst. But let's go back in time and dissect exactly why.

In the late 80's, Hasbro was dominating not just the toy market, but of course the realm of the animated as well. Transformers, G.I Joe, and My Little Pony proved all successful ventures, but there was still one market left to attempt domination. That, would be the doll market dominated by Barbie. In 1985, Jem and the Holograms were released, both in doll and TV form. the show became an instant success, and like the other Hasbro-toons before it, the merchandise sold like hot cakes. Enough for the people at Mattel to try and get into the rock band gimmick. And thus, the Barbie and the Rockers toy line was released, as well as a cartoon video by Dic.

Yep, this is a total Dic move.

So, what was wrong with it? It suffers from what I call "New Kids Syndrome". Where the band involved are considered almost godly, and their bad crooning is enough to make even the most sane individual cream themselves in total awe.

So, let's rock out with this crock out. Let's review this thing.

There's no real intro or credits. Just a title card for this particular "episode", as an announcer says "Presenting in her first full length music video, here's Barbie in 'Our of This World'."



And we open our movie with Barbie and the Rockers, Ken, Dana, Didi, Derrick and Diva, performing in Japan. An announcer calls them the hottest group in the history of the world. Hoo boy, not even minute in, and the "New Kids" syndrome is kicking in like a punch in the gut. And in the middle of her performance, we get an assortment of scrolling articles continuing this ego trip, even going so far as to say Barbie won everything at the world music awards. Everything! She Jethro Tulled every non crappy pop category. She's even more popular than the freakin' Queen of England for pity sake. We learn that every country in the world goes insane for the Band. More so, that they declare Barbie the ambassador for world peace.


The..... Ambassador of world peace? Of all the Nobel prize winners, and humanitarians out there, you declare the leader of a crappy pop group the ambassador for world freakin' peace?

My god, even the New Kids craze wasn't crazy enough that the insane fans declared them ambassadors of world peace.




Later, at a restaurant what looks to be the Jetson residence, the band worry about what they're gonna do next. And from there we get a spontaneous dance number/song called "Best Friends". The following day, after apparently dancing all night, Barbie gets a letter, which informs her that there's going to be a ball in her honor. And, if you're curious, of course she asks Ken to go with her. And from there, another song, as Barbie gets dressed up. Barbie and Ken go to the ball, and after dancing, Barbie has an announcement. Since they've performed all over the world, there's only one place to conquer... Outer space.



The band, like myself right now, are a bit shocked at this stupid idea. But they go with it anyways, because they're just as dumb as Barbie. And this leads to another spontaneous song. This time the song is "do you believe in magic". We get a montage of the group getting ready for their outer space exploits. And following that, the group launches off into space, and we get yet another crappy pop song "Reaching for the stars".

The group finally arrive on a space station, and after dressing in anti gravity, are ready for their big performance. Dr. Leonard, head of the space station sets up the stage, which turns the station into a giant flower.



Boy, all this money wasted on this stupid project for world peace could've been spent on... I don't know.. actually fixing the world's problems instead of an extremely overhyped pop band's ego splurge.

The band performs as literally the entire planet watches on, singing for peace, and other crap. And that's pretty much it.

What a piece of crap. While the animation was pretty decent, the music was awful, even for late 80's pop. The characters have no personality except for always being happy, and I still don't buy any real reason for Barbie to go into outer space. But at least it was a short induction, and I never have....




Wait, Barbie and the Sensations Rockin' Back to Earth? This crap isn't finished yet? Jesus H. Macy...

See you this weekend with the conclusion.

Inspector Gadget

Blow Blow Gadget

Disney: 1999

It's time to expand out horizons here at Tooncrap. We've seen video game's to bad cartoons, 22 minute toy commercials, cheapquels, and Roger Rabbit's retched regurgitation, better known as Cool World. Now we enter a new realm of animated atrocity so horrid, That it really deserves the vitriol if gets from many fans of animation. And that realm is....

The live action movie adaptation.

When a franchise has seen so much success that Hollywood wants to cash in. And instead of something to the caliber of the animated series being brought to life on the big screen, It winds up dismal, boring, unfunny, or Inspector Gadget. Now, while Gadget has never been one of my favorite cartoons, it's still a great cartoon. Sure the episodes were too formulaic for their own good, but it was still fun, action packed, and had perhaps the most beloved cast of characters ever. From the determined but dim walking swiss army knife known as Inspector Gadget, the real hero of the cartoon Penny, her always awesome dog companion Brain, and the poor soul that is Chief Quimby. Why constantly give Gadget messages that self destruct?

I'd say just tell Gadget the info, but I can imagine that still blowing up in his face.

And of course there's the evil Dr. Claw, often shrouded in mystery as he strokes his little prick of a sidekick Mad Cat. They remain some of the most memorable characters from the 80's. And of course Disney, having succeeded with George of the Jungle (A movie that I will admit I liked) picked up the rights to the Gadget franchise, and went to work creating a live action film based on the series.



So, who would they cast for the lovable, bumbling Don Addams voiced inspector?

Matthew Broderick.

Ferris Freaking Bueller.

Nothing against Broderick. He can do a good job when he tries, but I find it hard to buy Ferris Bueller as Inspector Gadget. Hell, Rick Moranis as Barney Rubble made more sense.



And what of Dr. Claw? Perhaps one of the greatest faceless villains in animated history? Who do they get to play such a great villain?

Rupert Everett?

Okay, I mean, does he really have the voice for Claw? He's no Frank Welker, so unless we're actually going to show his face, then...

Wait, they are showing his face? So, the ominous, faceless villain is some pretty boy? Well, why am I shocked at all, really? I mean this is Disney.

So, let's put on our Go Go Gadget straight jacket, and let's go crazy. It's time to review this thing.



We start our movie with our soon to be cyborg John Brown (How long did it take for creative to come up with that name) as your typical, everyday happy-go-lucky cop. But his whistling and baton passing is put on hold as a bus speeds though town with no brakes. A bus that so happens to be carrying Penny (A post Harriet the Spy, Pre Dawn Summers Michelle Trachtenberg). However, more peril arises as a group of children are crossing the street. John does the most logical thing possible. Runs in front of a speeding bus. And he grabs the young children to safety. And throws the hook of a tow truck on the bus, stopping it from causing further damage. And if you were guessing this was all a dream, you win the prize. Let's see.



You can have this half colored McDonald's coloring calendar. Full of great facts like "McDonald's food is delicious", and that "McDonaldland was not ripping off the Krofft's in any way whatsoever."

Back to the movie.

Despite his cop aspirations, John is actually just a security guard living with his niece Penny, and her dog, Brain.



Later that night, at the lab John guards, we see out main love interest for the movie Brenda Bradford (Because Gadget needed a damn love interest), and her father working on the gadget project. Essentially robotic body parts that move through the power of love, or something saccharin like that. In this case, it's a robotic foot. I guess the Addams Family would sue if it was a moving hand. But evil looms outside of the lab, as our main villain, Sanford Scolex (Yeah, they couldn't just call him Claw from the beginning, he has to learn that on his own) waits outside in his limo, as John tries to continue his attempts at getting Brenda to like him. But his woeful wooing attempts will have to wait, as Scolex's gang of little robots (what could be considered Wall-E's evil cousins) crash into the lab, planning on stealing the gadget project. And of course, being Disney, Brenda's dad is killed.

Disney: The warmth and wonder of murder.

John, being a moron, decides to go after the robots in the armored vehicle. However, he doesn't make it far, as his car flips upside down and crashes into a post. Scolex, and his driver laugh, until the limo is crushed by a sign.


Yep, complete with the Yahoo yodel. Go Go Gadget shameless product placement.

Pissed at his destroyed vehicle, Scolex throws a Cigar/Dynamite stick at John's car, Causing it to explode. But not before a bowling ball in John's car ends up crashing through Scolex's sun roof, and crushing his hand. Wow. What a lackluster origin to his claw. No real dark reason for his deformity, just a really awful act of comedic convenience. So, with his car blown to smithereens, John Brown is surely dead?



Of course not. Brenda gets a visit from Ye mayoral douche (Played by Cheri Oteri), and a rather dickish Chief Quimby. Brenda decides that since John was conveniently injured in time, that he should be the man who will go through with the gadget project. So, it's like Robocop, only not compelling, unfunny, and since he's alive for all this, let's not take his feelings about being a walking talking pandora's box of goofball into any consideration. We see Gadget being built, and stuffed with all the essentials for the future of law enforcement, like light bulbs, mouse traps, and a slinky. As Gadget's being built, we head to stately Scolex manor.



As Scolex is fitted with his new claw, built by everyone's favorite human being, Andy Dick. Scolex decides to call himself Claw. One Name, like Madonna. Because Madonna and Rupert don't get along too well. See, it's funny because LAUGH! So Claw and Andy Dick goes through an unfunny as intestinal pain skit involving extra hands for Claw.

Gadget awakens, and soon realizes that something ain't quite right. Brenda tells him of what happens, and he doesn't take it well. When she tells him she'll be keeping an eye on him, he becomes less unhappy about the current situation. Back to Claw and the gang, as they try to use the technology they stole to build a robot of their own. More annoying Dickery, and Claw can't get the robot to do anything. Back to Gadget, and some more love interest stuff with Brenda (including an incident involving toothpaste)

With Gadget unable to control his machine powers, they send him a guru to help him. Blindfolded, gadget is informed by the guru to grab a pair of balls he set on the floor.

Well, he got it half right. He grabbed some balls.


..... wow, what a dirty joke for a Disney movie.

After castrating a poor guru, Brenda shows Gadget the Gadgetmobile (Voiced by D.L Hughley). The car drives Gadget around, and never shuts up, not before telling gadget to buckle up because it's a Disney movie.


These fourth wall breaking jokes doing anything for ya?

And it's time for Gadget's first case. Where he helps two carjackers steal a car. Well, at least he's still as inept as ever. But the gadget car brings the moron to his senses, and they chase after and catch the crooks. Gadget trips up one crook, causing him to literally see stars.

Claw realizes that Gadget is the security guard who caused the loss of his hand, and plans to encounter Gadget at the ceremony where he'll be brought into the police force. Where we get more romantic involvement with Gadget and Brenda, only to have Claw steal her away. Claw offers her a job at his company, and she agrees being the easily gullible cybernetic genius that she is. Gadget is also now an official law enforcer, and Chief Quimby, being the total dick he is, gives him menial jobs like street sweeper and hall monitor. When Gadget gets concerned about the lack of his abilities being put to good use, Quimby calls him useless, and tells him to get out of his sight. Not before the cat Gadget rescued earlier pisses in his coffee..

Testicle crushing and cat piss. That's what i think of when i think Disney.



Back to Claw and Dick as Claw puts his plan in motion. His plan being to create an evil Inspector Gadget using Brenda's information. The real Gadget is trying to find the killer of Brenda's father, as the fake one scares children and burns down signs. Hey, it's been over half the movie, I almost forgot about Penny and Brain, as we get some product placement for Skittles and M&M's, as she points out to Gadget that maybe Scolex Industries had something to do with the murder. He tries to inform Brenda of the situation, but she ends up having to deal with a robotic bimbo version of herself. Gadget enters Claw's building, as the guard is sleeping not.... paying...... Atten...


First Yahoo, and Skittles, now Homer gets dragged into this? The Simpsons isn't even Disney!

Gadget gets the robotic foot that Dr. Bradford made, but being the clumsy oaf he is, drops the foot, and falls from the ceiling.



Causing a crash so loud, it even woke Homer up.

Brenda goes after Gadget, and Brenda's pointless bimbo clone falls off a roof. But Gadget has some problems of his own, as Claw has him tied up, and ready to dissect. They speak with each other, and then Claw tells Gadget "somebody's been watching too many Saturday morning cartoons."


Dammit, even Ninja Turtles didn't break the fourth wall this much.

Claw's big plan is to create a robot army with the gadget project's technology, and to ensure success he orders Dick to destroy gadget. However Andy Dick proves to be as useful, as... Well... Andy Dick, and faints. Claw destroys Gadget's chip, and the good inspector becomes a lifeless puppet of the Disney organization.. Okay, just a lifeless puppet, and is sent to the dump. Brenda and Penny set off in the Gadgetmobile to find the real Gadget, as the fake one runs amok, and causes more pointless destruction, including a rather dumb Godzilla joke.


No, not that pointless. At least i was able to shoehorn another awful movie with Broderick in it.

The girls find Gadget in the dump, dead. With the chip destroyed it looks like Gadget's dead, and this movie can end on a bleak ending. No, it takes the power of love (or a kiss from Brenda) to bring him back to life. Boy, if all it took was a kiss to bring someone back to life, Simba should've puckered up on Mufasa. After dropping Penny off (Boy was she ever useless in this film), It's off to gind Claw. He tracks down Claw and DoppleGadget, and finally the two Gadgets square off. And while they duke it out, Brenda gets captured by Claw. Penny arrives, and is finally put to actual use in this movie. She enters the Scolex building, only to get captured at gunpoint by Claw's assistant Sykes.

Cat Piss, Testicle humor, and Now threatening to murder a child.


What happened to you?

The battle on the bridge between Gadget and DoppleGadget continues, as the scene essentially just involves in the two of them in runaway Shopping Carts. Brain rips out Claw's underwear, and Penny talks to the idiot assistant. Gadget eventually finally beats the fake, and uses the Gadget Copter to head back to the Scolex Building as Claw is taking Brenda in his chopper. Claw destroys Gadget's copter, and is about to send Gadget to his doom. But Gadget defeats him with of all things, the inside of a pen, as Brenda escapes, and the two parasol to safety. But before they can resume their love fest, Claw tries to escape in the Gadgetmobile. Which doesn't work, as he gets caged and arrested, Not before saying the infamous "I'll get you next time Gadget!"

So, Gadget and Brenda live happily ever after, at least until Inspector Gadget 2 (and there IS an Inspector Gadget 2). And during the credits we get a never ending barrage of what happened to the rest of the cast you didn't care about. RoboBrenda is an aerobics instructor, the henchman is in a minion recovery group, and Penny gets her wrist communicator, which gives us a rather cringe worthy cameo from Don Adams, the original voice of Inspector Gadget.

And that's Inspector Gadget. Easily one of the worst live action adaptations of a great animated show ever. None of the characters have the charm of the original. The shameless product placement fourth wall breaking, and juvenile humor is awful. Gadget does not need a love interest, and the story just blows. But the worst thing about it is, there's a sequel. But that's an induction for another time. Next week, it's back to the realm of the animated. Our next induction celebrates Woman's History Month with one of the most iconic female toys ever, as she tries to rip off a far better franchise. That's right, our next induction is Barbie and the Rockers.

Son of the Lion King

Can you feel the lawsuit tonight?

Dingo Pictures/Phoenix Games: Year Unknown


Originality is a trait that seems to be often lost nowadays. Most movies rely heavily on remaking or rebooting franchises, milking a successful formula for all it's worth, or just pulling out the same crap year after year. But I can actually commend all of them for their sloth because, they're nowhere as unoriginal as the idiots from Phoenix Games.

Phoenix Games is a European video game company that releases terrible budget PS2 titles such as White Van Racer, Extreme Sprint 3010, and the timeless Maniac Mole. Games so poorly made, it makes Ninjabread Man seem like Mario 64 in comparison.

Now you may be curious as to why I'm reviewing something from a company known as Phoenix Games. This isn't a video game review blog. You're right. And this isn't a video game. Phoenix Games wasn't just interested in horrid PAL PS2 games, they were interested in selling animated films for the PS2 as well. And they would align themselves with another offensive company called Dingo Pictures, a German animation company that makes half assed bootleg cartoons with a voice cast of 1, a budget of $0, and a severe lack of original characters or ideas. Take for instance this week's induction, Son of the Lion King.

It's kinda hard to feel Hakuna Matata when you have to deal with worrisome crap like this, but let's review this thing.




Get adjusted to the only good animation in the entire video, as we see the Phoenix Games logo, and another logo for another partner in crime known as the Code Monkeys. For as sleazy as he is, I don't think even Mr. Larrity and Gameavision would get their hands dirty with this crap. We then get our delightful title card as our lion king looks rather stoned with his tongue out, suggesting he's either going to eat that mouse, or he's infatuated with it. And with that, we go to the movie.



PPHHHhahahaha, goof lord this animation is horrible. I can understand a lack of a budget, but I've honestly seen flash movies on Newgrounds with better animation. We start it off with these two weasels (I guess) give us some poorly narrated back story as apparently the old lion was king again, and the evil black panther was driven off. And when i say poorly narrated, I mean it ("It was the... Animals owed it to little Robin cleverness that they could cheat the panther away"). The King apparently has the elephants guarding the border in case the panther returns.


Artists depiction of the people at Dingo Pictures?

No, these two monkeys are harassing a hippo, as we see out lion protagonist Simba...I mean Robin chasing an alligator, as older Simba and Zazu knockoffs watch on.




NotSimba gives Robin a stern lecture for chasing after the gator, to more poorly done English attempts.

Let's just recreate this.

Bird (Who sounds like Urkel): Robin, hold on, stop!
Robin: Are you crazy? I nearly overran you.
Urkel Bird: You have to go back to your father immediately.
Robin: Oh rubbish. Now Dundee got away.
Dundee (the gator's name i guess): Yes, and the.. something something ai yi yi! (I litterally have no frigging clue what he just said)
Robin: What's the matter Daddy?
NotSimba: Robin, you are hunting our subjects. That's no a job for a future king. You have to protect the animals. But what you are doing is putting them in fear and horror.
Robin: I was only playing.
Dundee (Who suddenly goes from Hispanic stereotype to Australian): Right, it was just a joke, we're just friends.
NotSimba: MMMM, even if it's just a joke, it's not done.
Random Bear(Why is there a grizzly bear in the jungle?): Exactly, I am not aloud to LaHunt anyone i want to either.
Robin: That's not the same, you wanna eat them.
NotSimba: Stop arguing. Joke here, joke there, I don't like it, finished.

We're just 3 minutes into almost a half hour, and I got a feeling the dialogue is going to go far more downhill.

So NotSimba tells robin and the gator to play something else, but to watch out for the black panther. And so they decide to play soccer.



So despite walking on his fours most of the time, Robin can walk normally when playing soccer? After that, and some constant reused footage, Robin talks to the monkeys who are quarreling over a banana, apparently like when they found diamonds. Robin's interested in finding the diamonds, and the group consisting of Robin, the gator, the monkeys, and the grizzly bear head off to find the vultures, who were apparently the black panther's spies. This is accompanied by what sounds like circus music, and what sound like springs bouncing. The vultures prove useless as they have no clue where the diamonds are. So, Robin, and Dundee the gator go off to find some diamonds. But before they do that, NotZazu goes off to warn the king. To which we get more nonsensical jabbering.

NotSimba: The diamonds, My god! I'd forgotten them completely. Naturally. he wants to get them back. And that silly Robin is going to take them out of the hiding place just for him.
(after some stick up his ass walking)

NotSimba: Stop immediately. Do we have to watch you every minute of the day? If the diamonds are in this area, then the panther is looking for them too. So be careful, and make sure he doesn't meet you Robin. Come home immediately.
Robin: panther here, panther there. Because of this crazy panther I'm not allowed to do anything. Maybe he's dead already...




And from there it's back to the talking weasel things, as we see that panther is contemplating a plan with his son, Mewmew. He sends an army of gorillas, who look just like the ones from Tarzan, to go after the diamonds, but looks for a scout to check the area. Mewmew volunteers, and he insults him. So, NotKala from Tarzan goes to comfort Mewmew, along with more awful lines..

Mewmew: Do you know where the hiding place is?
NotKala: It's not that easy. Do YOU know where the hiding place is?



The next day, Robin makes pointless conversation with everybody about trying to find the diamonds, when he runs into Mewmew. They argue with one another, and in it comes perhaps the most redundant thing ever uttered.

Robin: I don't believe you. You look like the bad black panther who used to lie.
Mewmew: My father doesn't lie.
Robin: Your father the black panther is your father?



After the worst cat hissing noises ever, a random thunderstorm (Or in the case of this crappy film, quick flashes of light) occurs. The two become friends, as Robin heads home following the "Storm". The next day, Robin decides he no longer has interest in the diamond hunt, as he goes to find Mewmew. And despite their early friendship, they argue again, and it's time for more of the worst hissing sounds ever. NotZazu shows up, as well as some poorly drawn elephants. And Notsimba comes back to give another nonsensical lecture. The duo are not allowed to see each other. Mewmew returns, gets insulted some more, and NotKala protects him. The next day, Robin and Dundee sneak off, and meet with Mewmew, who decides that they should go after the diamonds. They enter a cave, and fall into a pit.




The two cats end up trapped with the diamonds, as NotZazu goes to get NotSimba to give another lecture. Dundee the gator tries to get black panther to help. Black panther, feeling upstaged by his son, sends his gorilla army to the pit. But on their way, run into NotSimba, and we get more bad hissing. And while the two worst fathers in the animal kingdom quarrel, the monkeys save the two cubs. The two bad fathers have a truce, and the black panther turns somewhat face on Mewmew. He calls off his monkey army, and they all live happily ever after, i guess.

I've seen some horrid crap, but this one takes the cake. Abysmal animation, horrible voice work, nonsensical dialogue, plagiarism up the wazoo, and so many other things that make this one of the worst things I've inducted so far. And the worst thing is that they've done dozens more. But that's some mind torture for another time.