Frosty Returns

'Snow doubt about it. This is awful

Broadway Video: 1992

Christmas is rapidly approaching, and more than likely by now, you've seen several of the classic holiday specials air on television. Maybe it was Rudolph, with it's mean spirited reindeer, and utter asshole Santa. Maybe it was the Grinch, with the wonderful narration of Boris Karloff, and the questionable meals of roast beast and Who hash. Maybe you watched one of the billion Christmas Carol related cartoons, or that Shrek special that sucks an ogre's ass (and this coming from somebody who liked the first couple Shrek films). But if you're like me, you anticipate one special. And that's the Rankin-Bass classic, Frosty the Snowman.


Heaven help me, I love this snowy moron.

I really doubt I have to go into much detail on this special, but for those who may have missed it sometime in the last 41 years, the story tells of Karen and her friends, who build a snowman. However, thanks to the help of a magic hat owned by terrible magician, and all around lanky prick Professor Hinkle, the snowman, named Frosty, comes to life. He marches around, sings, and has all sorts of fun shenanigans. However, because heat and snowmen don't get along, it's up to Frosty, Karen, and Hinkle's rabbit Hocus Pocus to book it to the North Pole. All while Hinkle gives chase, trying to get his hat back, instead of giving the snowman life. Even going to the point of locking Frosty and Karen in a greenhouse, causing Frosty to melt.


Hinkle blows. Also, I'd like to see his credentials. I highly doubt he's a professor.

But, Santa comes to the rescue, restoring Frosty, and putting Hinkle in his place, so that's a plus. It's a better job than the Santa from Rudolph, who would insult Frosty for even being alive, and serving no worth to him.


Dickhead.

Frosty the Snowman is an instant classic. It has great music, wonderful animation, likable characters, even the villain. And the story is classic, giving plenty of humor, excitement, and drama from start to finish. It's everything a true holiday classic can hope to be.

And then, 20+ years later, a sequel was made. Despite a few specials, there was never really a true sequel to the original. And in 1992, Frosty returned in... well... Frosty Returns. Did it retain the spirit of the original?

Hell no!

Frosty Returns, released not by Rankin-Bass, but by Lorne Michael's Broadway Video, is a half hour snowball to the nutsack. An awful main song, lame and dated (even by 1992) humor, political and environmental overtones, and, to be honest, If you didn't include a talking snowman, I'd swear this was some half assed Peanuts special judging by the animation (done by Bill Melendez Studios, so that's why). It's a cold hearted cash in literally lacking in the Christmas spirit.

So, let's not waste any more time, and look at this animated equivalent of yellow snow. Let's review this thing.



We open our tale with falling snow, and our narrator, a miniature Jonathan Winters, riding a snowflake to a really terrible animation effect. Well, he's no Jimmy Durante, but he'll do. But the question I've always had is, I know he's the narrator, but what is he? An angel, a conscience, the worlds shortest midget? Help me out here cause it's really not explained. He's just known simply as the narrator. So, all narrators are an inch high?



After the opening credits, we head to the town of Beansboro, which according to Micro-Winters, holds an annual winter carnival. The town is covered in snow, which means it's a snow day. But sadly, it's not the forgettable Nickelodeon movie Snow Day, it's the one where rejected Peanuts kids sing about the greatness of snow, and where the adults bitch about how snow is an eyesore, and heart attack enducer.



From there we meet our protagonist Holly, and her friend Poindexter... I mean, Sex Changed Marcie... I mean, Charles. Despite the two not being invited to play with the other kids, Charles suggests making "snow fertility goddesses" (Because either Angels is too religious for this special, or Charles is a smartass). Holly has other ideas, and instead decides that the two should rehearse their magic act for the winter carnival.


Their act including sawing the brainy little toad in half.

However, after opening the window, Holly's hat flies away. She gives chase, until it eventually lands on a Snowman. The Snowman, as expected, comes to life.

Oh boy, Frosty's alive! I wonder if his first words will be something cute like "Happy Birthday"


"Whoa no you don't. You wanna take somethin', take the tie. Unless you think I need it. How do you dress for this winter carnival anyway? I mean, I don't wanna underdress. But I could get away with a tank top or something more cas."


No... Just... No.

Oh goody, we went from simple and friendly, to annoying talking entity. I honestly doubt anybody was looking for a wise cracking Frosty. And nothing against John Goodman, who's just reading the material and getting the cheque.

Holly and Frosty get formally introduced. He dances around, sings opera (why? I don't know), until Holly's mother shows up with a spray can. The stuff's called "Summer Wheeze", and has the power to dissolve snow with one spray.



Cut to our villain, Mr. Twitchell, at a board meeting. One of his lackeys suggests hanging a banner at the winter carnival, which leads to Twitchell revealing his true motives. He wants to be the king of the winter carnival. That's right, his big evil plan is to be a "king" of some stupid holiday festival. Then again, it's not as bad as getting a whole town to go after a kid with HIV.

Realizing Frosty's two squirts away from being history, Holly tries to hide Frosty in her fridge as she goes to school. However, she soon realizes that Charles appears to be the only other person concerned about the impending death of Winter. She ditches school, and meets up with Frosty, who didn't like staying in the fridge because it game him freezer burn. The two converse, as people pass by, not caring that a snowman is ALIVE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! We then get the main song of the special "Let there be Snow", as Frosty sings about all the things snow is good for. This is then sequed into what is easily the worst rap I have ever heard in my life, as coincidentally at this very moment, Twitchell is rapping to the exact same song about how much he's glad that there will be no more snow, and how he'll be king of the winter carnival. Seriously, this harbors dangerously close to Gottfried bad.



Charles meets Frosty. And being the skeptical little douche he is, refuses to believe a talking, walking, unfunny snowman is in front of him. However, Frosty's dancing jackassery catches the attention of Twitchell, who sends his cat to chase after them with a can of Summer Wheeze.


Doesn't exactly get the job done, but still sends a convincing message.

The big day of the winter carnival arrives, as Twitchell arrives, with evil in his heart, and a can of Wheeze in his hands. However, Holly approaches him, and scolds him about how Summer Wheeze is dangerous. They then unveil Frosty..


Who's alive and well despite not wearing the hat. *Cough*Continuity*cough*

Frosty and the kids sing "Let There be Snow" again, as Twitchell tries to run them over, only to end up falling into a frozen lake. The town, not calling the news, or filming the miracle of a talking snowman, decide to make Frosty the king of the winter carnival. The trio take a toboggan ride, until they find Twitchell. feeling sorry for the old fool, they give him the crown and cape, along with their toboggan ride. Frosty, deciding that this place is boring, leaves. The end.

And that's Frosty Returns. It's a lackluster special. Its story is stupid, the characters dull, Frosty tries too hard to be funny when he isn't, the main song isn't catchy, and it's just forgettable. The polar opposite of the special it's leeching off of. It's also arguable if this is a Christmas special or not, since it doesn't mention the holiday at all, and the story involves the Winter Carnival. But despite that, it still gets regular airtime every holiday season alongside the original. And yet a far better special like "Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol" goes on forgotten. 'Tis a shame.

The Care Bears Nutcracker Suite

Sickeningly 'suite'

Nelvana:1988

It's that time of year again. The time where the weather gets colder, the streets get more colorful, and crazed people rampage through department stores in search of the newest fad toy. Yep, it's the holiday season. The fat man in red is on his way again, and TV channels dust off 'Rudolph'', 'The Grinch', and 'Frosty' as the much needed nostalgia boost for those who know the true weariness of this time of year.

When it comes to the realm of the animated, no other holiday has seen more specials devoted to it. Maybe Halloween, and Arbor Day, but not many others. Christmas is such an easy holiday to devote a special for, to the point that most follow familiar formulas.



A Christmas Carol for example. All folow the same formula of the Dickens classic (though some deviations). However, despite it being done ad nauseum, it still somehow manages to work most of the time. It's a timeless tale that deserves the love and respect it gets. Even if it does feel more like a lack of originality.

However, I've never understood the same for the Nutcracker. It's always been one of those stories that has bored me. Yet somehow, it's spawned dozens of animated, and live action specials, and films.


Even one as recent as this year. In gloriously gimmicky 3D.

Which brings us to the induction du jour. You'll remember that last year, I inducted the final Care Bears movie, "Adventure in Wonderland". A movie that felt less like a trip into the Lewis Carol classic, and more like a very lackluster episode of the Care Bears cartoon. Complete with terrible songs, animation not up to par with the movies before it, and like the movies before it, a blonde female protagonist.

With Nelvana still at the helm of the television rights, and with Care Bears still somewhat popular (though by 88, they defintely weren't top shit anymore), they released one more animated special. the first since "Care Bears and the Freeze Machine" back in 84. So, hopefully it's half decent. Really in this case, half decent's the best I can hope for.

So, let's Care Bear stare this thing to death. Let's review this thing.




We open our special at a rehearsal of the Nutcracker, with a young girl named Holly, and her teacher (And totally not our protagonist), Ms. Walker. Holly's excited about being involved in the performance, which is more than she can say about her brother Chris, who feels jaded at the lack of action, and his goofy attire. Through exposition (AKA the likely fact that nobody cares about the Nutcracker), Ms. Walker and Holly tell Chris about the story of the nutcracker. Ms. Walker then tells the two that the classic version of the story isn't the only way the story was told, and begins to tell her students her favorite version of the classic tale, the one with the Care Bears.



We then go to Care-a-Lot, which is celebrating Christmas time. And Hugs and Tugs, the diaper-donning Scrappy Doos of the series, are looking for an ornament to put on the christmas tree. But no avail. But the search is interrupted by Funshine Bear, who informs the care bears of a sad little girl. Oh, it couldn't possibly be a young, blond protagonist would... Oh, you already know the answer to that. So, Funshine and Grumpy (Still the best Care Bear ever), set off to air her. However, having Funshine drive the cloud car wasn't wise, as she crashes it conveniently at the home of Anna, our protagonist (and totally not Ms. Walker).



Anna is sad because her bestest friend of friends in the history of friendliness has moved away, leaving her depressed. Funshine tells her to just try and keep in touch with her friend through writing letters, and phone calls. But Anna is still depressed.




But suddenly, the plot arrives through a portal in the form of a nutcracker doll, who's somewhat brain retarded. Having no memory of who he is, or how he functions. Through the portal also arrives the rat king and his cronies, who chase after our heroes. In the commotion, they run into Anna's brother Peter (literally). The chase ensues in and out of the house, as the rats get a Funshine stare, and hit with snowballs. In the middle of the hijinx, the nutcracker remembers why the rats are after him. He's from a place called Toyland, which is being invaded by the evil Vizier, and his army of rats. He's kidnapped the Sugarplum fairy, so it's up to the Nutcracker to put a stop to it. So after a few more minutes or being chased around by the rats, the care bears stare the rats back into Toyland. Grumpy and Funshine then send the signal out for the other Care Bears to come to their aid on their quest to save Toyland. Tender Heart Bear, Braveheart Lion, Lotsa Heart Elephant....


And stowaways Scrappy and Doo.



The bears decide to leave Hugs and Tugs with Anna's little brother Peter (who to be honest is about as mature as they are), despite his kvetching. However, the trio decide to leave for Toyland anyways. Cut back to the present, as we get a reminder of what just went down by Holly and Ms. Walker, which works if this aired with commercials, but really should've been cut for home releases. Back to the story, we head to stately Vizier castle, as we see the Sugarplum Fairy held captive by the evil Vizier...


The slightly less compitent brother of Jafar's less intimidating brother.

Apparently the Vizier is looking for a magic ring, and is trying to cough up the info from the fairy. Vizier uses Hypnosis. it doesn't affect enemy Sugarplum. The Rat King shows up to give him even more bad news, that the Nutcracker, and his crew of merry morons are coming. Meanwhile, said merry morons arrive in toyland, however without a game plan as to how to get to the Vizier's castle. If only there was a conveniently placed train inside a giant present box.


WOW! I totally wasn't expecting that!



The group board the train, unaware of the tyke trio tailing behind them. After a few minutes of driving around, and seeing the saccharine sights, the group make it to a demolished Toyland. The group try to find a way to refuel the train, as some toys and gingerbread men attack them. The Care Bears make quick work of them, while also reuniting with Peter and the cubs. The toys try to apologize, informing them that they were only trying to take the train, and trying to get the hell out of toy Dodge. The Care Bears quickly forgive them, and ask what happened to Toyland. Through exposition (AKA a toy clown), we learn that the Vizier and his rodent crew took over Toyland castle, and overthrew the prince. But before he was defeated, the prince gives the fairy his magic ring to hide from the Vizier.


Oh, and unbeknownst to anybody, the Nutcracker's the prince.



After the tale, the Nutcracker gets ridiculed by the toys for being the clumsy fool he is. Boy, I haven't seen a town that douchey since that one town that tried to lynch a kid with HIV. After a stern talking to by Braveheart, they apologize, and offer their help. They all head back on the train, but are soon stopped by the rats again. But being as incompitent as they are, they're quickly defeated. But not before kidnapping Peter and the cubs. The group continue on to the castle. They dodge guards, and make it to the palace. Meanwhile, being the moron he is, the Rat King gets tricked by Peter, who escapes with the cubs. The heroes free the fairy, who gives them the location of the ring, which was conveniently placed in a walnut in the throne room. Hey, if it means this is over quicker, I'm fine with this stupid outcome.

However, they're too late, as the Vizier gets a hold of the walnut first. The care bears get put out of commission with the use of taffy, and the rats surround Anna and the Nutcracker. The Vizier wins, the cartoon ends....

Or it should, but the vizier is unable to open the walnut. Instead of using, you know, a hammer, he forces the nutcracker to break it by turning the care bears into firewood. The nutcracker refuses, and our heroes are sent to the dungeon. Before Anna joins the kindling collection, the Nutcracker agrees to the Vizier's demand. However, before that happens, Hugs, Tugs, and Peter get the ring and try to escape. But, after another chase scene, the rats recapture the nut. The Ntcracker opens the nut, but again before the Vizier can win, the sugarplum fairy intervenes, and puts the ring on the Nutcracker's finger, turning him back into the prince.



Using his deus ex machiring, he restores Toyland to it's original shape. After that, our heroes say goodbye to one another, with Anna saddened that she may never see her former wooden friend again. We then realize that it was apparently all a dream of Anna's, as she wakes up in her bed, to Peter and a new kid named Alan (Who I guess is supposed to be the prince, I guess).

Ms. Walker finishes up the story, as her husband Alan shows up. Oh, I guess Ms. Walker was Anna all along. I never would've guessed that. The Care Bears cheer and dance up in the rafters.

This special is far more tolerable than Care Bears in Wonderland was. It's still well animated, and doesn't drag as much as the movie does. But it still suffers from a weak plot, some minor design recycling, and the big twist at the end was already done (and far better) in the original Care Bears movie. Not to mention, the "it was all a dream, or was it" ending does seem a bit flat. While it's definitely not held up well, it's sill okay for little kids. But for the sake of completion, this toon still gets the crap treatment.

But there's one thing that bugs me here. Now, in the end scene, we see the care bears celebrating, including Hugs and Tugs, who are still babies. Now, this has to be 20-30 years since this adventure happened (If it really did), so they should be grown up by then. Unless Care-A-Lot is where the fountain of youth is located, this is still pretty damn odd.

Dunce Bucket

Well, at least it lives up to it's name

Teletoon: 2009

Comedy is perhaps the most subjective thing of all. What one person percieves as outright hilarious, another could consider to be downright rubbish. It's all a matter of taste. So, I know when I induct something, that there's a good chance that somebody enjoyed the actual product. However, with the induction du jour, I don't know if even the biggest fan of shock value comedy would crack a chuckle at the canuck crock that is Dunce Bucket.

A little background on this first. Dunce Bucket was one of several shows that were a part of Teletoon's "Pilot Project". A web based competition where people could vote to see what show would see the glory of a complete series on Teletoon's late night block. The contest consisted of a few would be animated pilots. Among them were Angora Napkin, which to this point I have not bothered to watch. Fugget About It, or as it should be more accurately titled, "The Sopranos go to Canada", and Dunce Bucket, a 22 minute animated sketch comedy show that clings a little too lovingly to the sphincter. And while I'm not opposed to toilet humor, the problem that lies in this bucket is that it's jokes are empty in value, and full of shit.

So, let's look at this slop bucket before the Godwinns come to take it back. Let's review this thing.

The theme song pretty much sums the direction this show wants to go. Ahem...


"And I quote...."

It's time to get retarded.
It's time to have some fun
and if you want to join me, you won't be the only one

And so we begin..



Our first skit is a chicken crossing the road to get over to chicken heaven on the other side. He dodges the cars, and then random stuff like ninjas, arrows, the KKK (?), gets zapped, blasted, infected, and eventually blown up by a suicide bombeer. But he still manages to cross the road. However, the twist is that despite the seductive poultry sign, "Chicken Heaven" is actually a KFC, and we end our skit with our plucky, clucky protagonist brutally slaughtered, and turned into a meal.


"I guess the yolk's on him!"



The next skit is a pinata party gone awry when the blindfolded kids goes on a rampage. Beating the bejesus out of all the kids there, as well as an old lady. After his unintentional slaughter-fest, a girl runs away, only to run into the barbecue, and burns to death.



Our next skit is a pregnant woman sleeping, when the door bell rings. Her baby pops out of her, and leaves the room, where a bitching party is going down, as well as other lewd acts. At least I think there is, because all you see for 90% of this skit is the frigging umbilical cord.



Next up is "GPS for Men", which is a commercial parody. The GPS for men is a device for pussy whipped men that gives them the correct responses when put in a troubling situation. This shot is actually not bad. The joke's funny, albeit unoriginal. and it doesn't crib on a shock value joke to keep it from drowning in stupidity.

And from that shining hope comes....



A skit with two dildos talking to each other... yeah.



Next up is a french cartoon called FiFi and Bo Bo. The joke.... They say "Fuck" a lot. Essentially, it's every 2nd word. And this short drags for a good minute or so. Then they get killed by a cloud god... I don't know why. This is just bad. And trust me, we haven't seen the last of skits where the F word is prominent.



Next up is a home shopping network bit, with the ultimate stain remover, the "Stain to Dust", or STD for short. The creator gives a demonstration of how it works by puking, and punching the host.



Ever hear the joke that a hermaprodite is most likely told to "go fuck themselves"? Do you find it funny enough to hear 3 or 4 times? Because this show feels the need to do this interlude a few times.



And we follow up with a skit involving a girl named Dana, who, you guessed it.... Says "Fucking" a lot.



I'm sorry, but is fuck really that funny of a word? I get when you're a kid, it's chuckle worthy, but when you're older it's really nothing major. Definitely not something that warrants 3 whole skits where it's both plot and punch line.



Next up is two stick figures trying to have sex, but since their stick figures, don't exactly know how to. It's definitely a bit funny, but it's joke goes on for a bit too long.



We have a clown vs mime short. It feels sorta reminiscent of Spy Vs Spy. The mime sees a pie, which has an extendo glove. It punches his balls literally out of him. The clown laughs at his prank, as the mime creates an imaginary golf ball, that smashes through a window. A big naked guy whows up, kicks the clown in the balls, which fall out his nose.



Our next skit is a chess battle, and an over eager white pawn who's ready to kick some black ass.


"Race humour: It's fantastic!"



Next up is a monster truck-esque commercial for the accountants technology expo. It's a funny idea, but again feels a little long in the tooth.



After another hermaphrodite skit, we get guys arguing over how to crucify Jesus.



Next is a commercial for the "After sex doll". Like the GPS for men, it is a pretty funny idea, and the humor actually works without relying on shock value or the ability to cuss.



Another clown vs mime short. The mime eats a clown cake, which causes him to have a shit so epic, that he literally shits out his skeleton.



We follow that up with a barber killing a man in front of his kid, because it was his first day.



Since I guess this character was funny enough to warrant a 2nd short, Dana returns. This time saying fuck and shit in front of a priest. Again...





Next is an old Chinese lady who kills two chuckling stoners.



A stick figure pole dance. Followed by the hermaphrodite bit again.



The final short is "Trigger happy" featuring a hunter who goes insane, and murders everything from bigfoor, a car, a whale, every known mythical creature, and finally finishes it off by killing a leprechaun.

And that's Dunche Bucket. Well, it sure lived up to it's song, as it was indeed time to get retarded.

I'll get to the positives before we get to my main gripes.

The animaition for the shorts are very well done. Plenty of variety, with almost no two short looking alike. The voice acting is great too, with the most notable VA being Christian Potenza. And with me being a fan of Total Drama, it's hard for me to be mad at him for anything he does.

Now my gripes. The show just isn't funny. Most of the skits rely on the idea that as long as the punch line is either lewd, dirty, or shocking, it equals funny. That's just not the case here. The F word isn't funny, especially when put on overkill. The skits need better structure. And even though majority of the shorts are under a minute, that doesn't mean there's not room for a solid, redeeming punchline. And yes, I know this is a pilot. It's intent is to get it's feet wet. But if it doesn't fix it's flaws, it's doubtful it'll ever get greenlit as an existing tv show. But for now, it's bottom of the bucket Tooncrap.

Hell, it almost makes Madballs "Gross Jokes" look like Carlin in comparison. And I already feel dirty for giving that shlock praise.