This can suck my Thing 1, and Kiss my Thing 2
Universal: 2003
Welcome all, tooncrappers, the big and the small
to a tale of a film that may make one bawl
For this film I talk of, it fills me with dread
To think that it is real, how that hurts my head
And what be this film that Hollywood did shat?
Why, it's the "whimsical, wonderful" Cat in the Hat.
"But Sin" you may ask, "why give this a look?
The cartoon came out years after the book"
It's close enough for me to write up a tooncrap review
To the unwilling audience, Universal did spew
This film with a creepy, furry Mike Myers
Who you could tell his career was looking dire
There's Dakota Fanning, that kid from I Am Sam
Wait, what's that? She's 18 now? Hooray and hot damn!
There's also that one guy who was on Will and Grace
Thought he'd have any sense to avoid this disgrace
Alec Baldwin? Really? He's in this too?
Were you that desperate for work to do?
I've padded this long enough, this film it will sting
So, let's cut out this rhyming, and review this thing.
So we open with some glimmer of hope in the Universal Logo, and the Dreamworks logo given that Dr. Seuss feel. Both look really nice, especially the Dreamworks logo.
Our tale begins in the town of Anville, a multicoloured metropolis of giant props... and apparently a place where people just buy and sell everything. We then head to Humberfloob Real Estate Industries, a place that stocks hand sanitizer by the dozens, and has a plethora wash stations. Hell, even if you touch the boss with an unwashed hand, you get fired. Sorry, I mean.
FIYUUUUUUUUUUUREEEDDD!!
After a hiring and firing faster than you can say "Marty Jannetty", the boss of this place, Mr. Humberfloob, sanitizes his hands, and tells the employees that tonight is the meet and greet of one of the employees, Joan Walden. Joan has bigger concerns since her babysitter just quit, but Mr. Humberfloob reminds her that if her house looks like shit again, she's
FIYUUUUUU-Ah, you get the drift.
We then head to Liplapper Lane, where all the houses look like white monopoly pieces. Where we meet our protagonists in Joan's kids. We have Sally, who is the neat one who keeps pretty much every single thing in her life organized and planned. She's like Twilight Sparkle, only devoid of personality. And there's Conrad, who is a messy fuck. He raids the house of assorted things, and prepares to go for a stair luge.
Not before shoving bread down his pants. Because, you know, bread makes a great cup
Remember that scene in Home Alone where Kevin drove the sled down the stairs? Well, it's like that, only, you know, in a shitty movie. Joan arrives in time, just as Conrad goes flying out the door, as their dog Nevins escapes. She berates him for being so messy, while Sally flatly says that "she tried to warn him".
But the dog is rescued by their neighbour/Joan's boyfriend/bad guy Lawrence Quinn, played by Alec Baldwin. Really? Lawrence Quinn? Joan Walden? With this being Dr. Seuss, I'd expected Joan Whamflamdoodle, or Larry Looselicker, or something that, you know, doesn't sound boring. While both Sally and Joan are fond of Lawrence, Conrad doesn't quite care for him. Doesn't help that Lawrence reminds Joan about the idea of sending Conrad to military academy. Joan is against it, but after making her wet, she seems more eager to the idea.
While Joan gets the phone, Conrad picks a bone. As he's heard Lawrence's plan to ship him off. Lawrence tells him that simply put, he's going to marry his mother, and that he hates him, and is just about to call him a son of a bitch before Joan comes back into the room.
Because hey, Dr. Seuss: Where we almost cuss at children. Aren't you feeling whimsical yet?
After Lawrence leaves, Clint Howard shows up. Finally someone I could see being in a shit movie. He's delivering catering from Kate's catering, oh, and he's named Kate. It's funny, I guess? Conrad tries to convince his mom that Larry (as Conrad calls him) is a phony baloney doucheypants. But his mom is in the middle of a mental flipout due to the stress of the party. But before she can calm down, Mr. Humberfloob (seriously, the only name so far that even sounds like a Seuss name) tells Joan to go back to work. So, Joan leaves them under the supervision of Mrs. Kwan. Mrs. Kwan? Who the hell is
Mrs. KWAAAGHH!
Conrad is grounded, and Sally decides not to go to her former friend Jenny's house, because Jenny once wanted to be head cupcake chef. SALLY IS CUPCAKE CHEF. Oh good god, she's a little Sheldon Cooper. She tells them not to mess, or fight, and certainly not to even touch the living room. Conrad and Joan argue a bit before he wishes he had a different mother. Because, you know, she's the one to blame entirely for this. Mrs. Kwan turns on the tv and invites the two kids to watch some good old fashioned Taiwanese Parliament.
Somehow I imagine this is what most people think would have happened if Linda McMahon won congress
Mrs. Kawn passes out despite the royal parlamentiary rumbling going on, and the two kids, bored off their stones, stare through the window as it starts to rain. Hey, it took 15 minutes, and finally something that actually happens in the damn book! While horsing around, they hear a clatter, and run up the stairs to check on the matter. They check the closet and find nothing. But of course they turn around to find...
The most frightening thing imaginable
Hey look, it's the titular feline in the chapeau at long last. And he's quite the freaky sight. Seriously, nothing about this is the least bit charming. In fact, I dare say, it's quite alarming.
And the kids, who have just laid eyes on a giant humanoid feline thing, do the most logical thing they can. Run like hell. But the abomination follows them, seemingly not getting the fact that he's just traumatized these two kids badly. After trying to hide from him, they finally get introduced to the Cat, who tries to rhyme feline with something appropriate, but fails.
And not even a minute in, this character is annoying. He's obnoxious, he's very scene mugging and scenery chewing.In other words, he's Mike Myers. The kids try to get an explanation to where he comes from, or how he got here, he gives them nothing. Yeah, I know we get no answer in the book, but at least that had more of an excuse. You could have given some worthwhile reason. "I drove" is not a valid answer.
Also, for some reason, he talks like a stereotypical old Jewish person. Why? Do I seem like the kind of person who knows? He surfs down the stairs, and then finds a pic of the kids mom, which gives him a boner.
Or, a Hatter? Seuss would be so proud.
He then takes Mrs. Kwan, and hangs her in the closet with a coat hanger, in a way of saying "fuck babysitters? Why pay someone to sit on babies, when he can do it for free" He then checks them with something called a Phunometer. Sally is a rulebreaker (or a serial arsonist), and Conrad is a bed wetter? Okay, that mildly not funny. Nah, he's a rule breaker. But you know, we're 20 minutes in, and we already knew this. He then gives the two the worst punishment known to man...
A musical number! Haven't these poor kids suffered enough?
Oh, and he pukes up a hairball? Why? Because LAUGH!!!
But thankfully this horrid song is cut short thanks
By the ugliest damn fish I've ever seen
Sally and Conrad's now talking fish gives them the best advice in the movie, and that's simply to not listen to the creepy talking feline.And he's pretty forgettable in this film, so if I barely talk about him, that's why.
Then this happens
So, the song continues with the Cat pretty much telling the kids to have fun, fun, fun. Somehow I think they could have come to that conclusion, some time eventually and without your intrusion.. In the middle of his song, he drinks some milk, bloats up, and makes a giant burp. Get it, because he's a cat, and he's lactose intolerant. It's funny because it's ironic.
Instead of being mortified by whatever the fuck that performance was, the kids love him, and want him to stay. But to stay, the cat makes them sign a contract, complete with the cat's lawyers. So, yeah. The cat has Lawyers now. Because I guess you can be sued for magical mischief. So, yeah, they're stuck with this hyperactive nutjob for the rest of the movie, and they seem to have no regrets about it.He then dresses up as a mechanic to check the couch if it's good for jumping.
I wish I could come up with something decent and witty, but this doesn't deserve it.
While the three of them bounce on the couch, and with the fish in the toilet, Lawrence returns to see what's going on. And of course, the giant cat vanishes, making both Sally and Conrad take the rap for their tomfoolery. We also learn that Lawrence is alergic to cats, as well as a fat slob. He takes some beer and sandwiches, and leaves. Which means it's time for more unfunny nonsense with the cat, like...
A cupcake maker infomercial. Maybe that's what Ron Popeil needs to sell more stuff, wear a cat suit. Well, the cupcakes explode in the oven, causing them to splatter all over the walls. And the cat in the hat uses their mom's dress to wipe of the purple splooge. The cat then tells the two children to calm their knickers, as he has a solution to clean this up quicker. Which means, of course, it's time to introduce Thing 1 and Thing 2.
AKA nightmare fuel stacked on top of more nightmare fuel
While introducing the terror twins to Conrad and Sally, he also warns them to not open the crate that the thing came in, because it's the Trans-Dimensionalator, or a portal to the cat's home world. He then puts the things to work cleaning the living room. And, they just mess it up more. Smashing plates, splattering walls, you know, the whole magilla. They even use Mrs. Kwan as a surfboard down the stairs, as her head smashes on each step. Because, you know, she's deserved this abuse so far.
But the fact that these two abominations sent by king abomination are messing the house up is the least of the cat's worries, as Conrad has opened the box, which is now leaking. And with the lock now on the dog's collar, and the dog now lost thanks to the things, they may be looking at the mother of all messes.
Somehow I don't think we'd have to worry if
YOU DIDN'T BRING THE FUCKING BOX IN THE HOUSE AND RELEASE THE THINGS, YOU FELINE FUCKTARD!!!!
Using Mrs. Kwan to weigh down the crate (because she's fat), the three set off to find Nevins the dog.
While that goes down, we finally see that not only is Lawrence a slob, but a major one, and a poor slob at that. After his TV gets repossessed, he notices Nevins running down the street. He calls Joan to remind us about the whole military school thing, and goes to get the dog. The trio track Nevins into a neighbour's yard. While sneaking about, they notice that there's a birthday party for one of the kids going on, and Sally wonders why she never got an invitation.
Yeah, I know you're like, 9, so I shouldn't call you a bitch, but... yeah, it's because you're a bitch. I mean, we established early on that you kick friends out because of your control freak attitude, so why would you not expect to be treated with some hatred for your actions. Just saying maybe you should lay off the ego Sheldon- Err, Sally.
In the midst of trying to catch the dog, the party exits the house, ready to break the cat pinata. With the cat unable to escape in time, he takes the place of the pinata. which means, he gets the everloving litter beat of out of him. Finally, something good about this movie. It all comes to an end, when one kid shmashes the cat in the crotch with a giant bat.
Which causes this to happen for a few seconds. I don't get the joke. Though I've found myself saying that throughout this entire picture.
Before the cat can get away with child abuse (or at least more child abuse), the two stop him right before he smashes the kid with a bat, Our protagonist folks. While that happens, Mrs. Kwan wakes up for a second to talk to Joan on the phone. She then falls back to sleep.
So, Thing 1 and Thing 2 use her as a puppet and throw her around the place. Again, I don't understand why this character should be abused so much. If she was a mean person, or had done something deserving of this sort of treatment, then fine. What has she done all movie? Sleep, and watch Taiwanese parliament. That's all. Maybe as always, I'm overlooking this, but yeah, she certainly doesn't deserve so much humiliation and possible brain damage.
Lawrence kidnaps Nevins, in another attempt to send Conrad to military school, as the cat and kids follow him in Cat's weird ass car. And of course, while Nevins is in Lawrence's car, he pees on Lawrence's taco.
Hey, we've had every other bodily function joke so far, so let's add that to the list. I'm just surprised they didn't do it on Dr. Seuss' grave.
After a long driving scene, the trio catch up to Lawrence, and try to devise a plan. Cat wants to go with plan B, which is cut his losses and ditch the kids. Don't you feel that friendly bond between the three? But instead they try to find a way to have Lawrence hand them the dog and the lock, which surprisingly doesn't take too long. The kids get Nevins back, as Lawrence chases them. They enter some sort of booth...
Where a dance club is located inside. Did I skip the part of the movie where they explained this?
And they run through and exit, and that's never explained. I know someone out there would probably call it a big lipped, something or other, but I don't even think that would constitute it. What the hell was the point of that? I mean if it led to a song, or a big dance number, maybe, but no. Not even that. What a waste of time and money. Wait, I think that describes this whole movie.
Okay, it makes some sense in that the cat loses his magic hat in the process. Still pointless though. With Joan and Lawrence heading home, and no magic powers, the three are royally fucked. Conrad blames himself for this whole mess. Yeah, you were sorta to blame, but I still think the asshole cat was way more responsible.
With the help of the things, the trio try to make it back home before Larry and Joan do. While that's going down, we still have the other plot point happening.
Oh no, it's leaking bad CGI!
While Joan gets stalled, Lawrence uses a motorcycle made by the Things to rush back to the house, just as Conrad, Sally, and the Cat arrive. The cat causes Lawrence to have a sneezing fit, which causes him to fall to his assumed death in the now mother of all messes.
Because, you know, being a jerk = reason to kill him
The house has now become what happens if M.C Escher designed Pee Wee's Playhouse.Using Mrs. Kwan as a raft (of course), they try to find their way to the living room to close the box. After heading through a twisted dining hall, and a bathroom with a flaming toilet, they make it to the lock, which is now emiting a giant purple twister. They manage to eventually get the lock back on the box. So, things are finally back to...
normal
Oh, and Larry's alive and covered in Grimace cum.
With the house destroyed, and the cat elated, Sally and Conrad finally have had enough of his furry foolishness, cast him out. With Joan on her way home, the two await their fate. But the Cat arrives, now willing to help them fix the house with his magic since they learned their lesson. Oh, the cat never lost his magic hat, or any powers. Making that whole dance scene even more pointless. So with the magic of a montage, they clean up the house, and the cat and kids say their goodbye for nows.
Joan arrives home to see the house spotless, and Lawrence covered in purple glop, spouting nonsense about a giant cat. So, finally realizing the asshole he is, Joan finally gets rid of Larry. So, the movie ends with the meet and greet a success, the kids happy, and the cat still an annoying fuck, the end.
What have we learned from the Cat in the Hat?
This film universal pictures did shat.
Story annoying, the humour quite crass
piss jokes, sex jokes, and even cat ass.
Now I'm not a sourpuss, and not quite a prude
But this is a kids film, so tone down the rude
Not even once did I utter a chuckle
At this lame pile of fuckle uckle
The acting was hollow, and world quite bland
It's Dr Seuss, I'd expect something grand
But here is perhaps the most damning part
That this film was lacking in any heart
Nothing felt charming, it really feels sick
And Mike Myers as the cat, man, what a dick
So, while not all cartoony, I still say this pap
Is more than worthy of being called tooncrap
So avoid this movie? That plan's a cinch
Hell, you're better off watching the Grinch.
