Little Princess School

The Three R's: Rotten, Retched, Ripoff.

Video Brinquedo: 2007

Well, it's been a while since we've talked about our old friends the "Asylum of Animation", VIdeo Brinquedo. For those just coming in, Video Brinquedo is a Brazilian animation company best known for releasing mockbuster versions of hit animated movies, with terrible animation, destestable characters, and a dash of racism to boot. Most of the time they try to be discreet in their plagiarism. But, in this occasion, they're just being cocky little freaks.

Take a good look at the first pic in this induction. Take a good look at the characters, and see which ones look familiar. If you said they look like midget versions of Cinderella, Jasmine, and Snow White, you win the prize.


Here, take this copy of Don't Wake Daddy. The batteries are dead, and the mechanism to make daddy wake up is broken, but hell, it's yours.

Yep, Brinquedo unabashedly ripped off the designs for Disney's Princesses, and used them for their own DVD series "Little Princess School", which I can only assime is pseudo ripping off Winx Club. Yeah, that's a cartoon about a school of fairies, but you know, fairies, princesses, it's all girly crap. God I hate being an equal opportunity crap reviewer.

Little Princess School has actually seen a few episodes released, similar to Brinquedo's other abomination, The Little Cars. Each particular video contains several shorts. Each more nauseating than the last.

So, let's not waste any more time, and get educated on this school of scoundrels. Let's review this thing.



We open to the shot of fair "castle construction paper" as the theme song plays. The title card comes up, which still says "Escola de Princesinhas". This was dubbed in English (With 4Kids VAs as is the norm), but they didn't even have the time to fix their title card. God, what jokes. We then get the names of our princesses.



Cindy. Not even going to try and bullshit this one, are you Brinquedo?



Bianca. AKA White. AKA SNOW White. About as much effort used to cover this up like ol' "Cindy".



Hime. Now, most people seem to believe this is supposed to be Mulan, despite her most likely being Japanese, and not Chinese.


Because we all know how well their track record with the Asians has been so far.



Iria is next, who would later star in "The Frog Prince". Take a wild guess what that ripped off.



Finally there's Zade. Which I will admit, that's a bit more creative than coming up with Jasmy or some crap like that.


Ladies and gentlemen, our protagonists. The god damned Burger King estrogen club.

Our fist episode is called Sleeping Beauties. You know, despite there not being a rip off of Aurora anywhere to be seen in this crap. We kick it off at night time in the castle, as we get some inane chatter from our heroines, In classic Brinquedo fasion. And I swear to god, they're all voiced by the same VA (Lisa Ortiz, AKA Amy Rose). Bianca apparently has a rooster in their room, which crows, and gets the ire of the teachers.



Yep, and one of those teachers is the Wicked friggin' Queen, or Madam Drastic as this shlock refers her as. And believing our heroes are up to no good, checks in on them. But of course, sees nothing out of the ordinary. But as she leaves, the princesses once again chatter to each other about Bianca's rooster.

Well, that didn't come out as planned.

After farm related idocy, we cut to the next day, as out heroines bitch about having to go to class. So, they instead decide to skip class, and head into a magic storeroom instead. They look around at the many stupid items, like a magic apple, and a pumpkin carriage. Get it? Cause Snow White and Cinderella involved that stuff.


These "not so subtle" hints working for you?



After some near vandalism, the princesses find a magic spinning wheel, which Cindy believes is, and god help me I wish I was making this up, an "ergometric bicycle". Yes, an ergometric bicycle with an ominous needle on the front. A needle that the morons touch without any thought. And, as you'd guess, it puts three of the girls to sleep. Cindy becomes concerned that her friends are both asleep and retarded, and tries to find out, and gets help from a magic mirr...



KILL IT WITH FIRE!

The Magic Mirror introduces itself, and Cindy instantly believes it's a HD TV. And at this point I kinda wish Cindy got pricked with the needle and never woke up. The mirror informs her that the only way for our heroines to be awoken is from the kiss of a prince. Since this place is a princess school, they've hit a snag. While she waits for the mirror to load (what?) Lurch, the custodial elf of the school is headed to lock the storeroom, when he's stopped by Hime. And the whole segment is as pointless as you'd expect, telling us what we already knew. Back to Cindy and the mirror, which crashed. Well, that's what you get for using Vista, I guess. Hime comes in, and the two whine about Lurch possibly locking them in. they try to get the girls out of the room before Hime, under really no persuasion whatsoever, pricks her hand on the spinning wheel.


Little Princess School obviously doesn't teach common sense.



Lurch gets chewed out by Madam Drastic for not locking the storeroom door, as Cindy tries to find a way to save her friends. She too runs into Drastic, and bullshits her way out of trouble. Cindy decides to go into their room and grab Bianca's rooster (still not sounding right). And with the help of a little deus ex rooster box, the girls are awakened, and leave the store room without getting in any trouble whatsoever. The end.

And that's Little Princess School. Good God what a piece of... Wait, there's another episode on this video? Dammit to hell. Let's review that too.



Our 2nd tale is "The Enchanted Toad". We begin with our heroines engaging in morning calisthenics, which is stopped by Cindy complaining about breaking a nail. I wish that was a joke. After that, it's more inane chatter, as the airheads forgot to bring something called a mandragorem root to Madam Drastic's class for the next day after the olympics (Special I take it). So, our heroines head to the forest to find one, while Iria runs into a toad.


*hint hint*

The toad tells her that he can find some of that root for her, if he gets a kiss in return. This repulses Iria, and raises the interest of Chris Hansen. She gives in, and kisses our amphibian antagonist.


Which works as well as you'd guess.



In order to aid the now warty moron, they run into a witch who promises to help them if they aid her ugliness problem. With the aid of the toad, they find the root they were looking for, and with the use of a magic book, and some other BS, are able to turn her back to normal. However, now she can jump better because she was a toad, or some stupid crap, which helps her win their olympics. Madam Drastic wants answers, and again, they bullshit their way out of trouble. She finds the toad, and he BSes her to kiss him. Which she does, turning him into a giant toad-man-thing.



And the girls laugh at the thought of her being raped by a giant toad thing. The End.

Sadly, there's one more short left, "Defenseless Princes". We open again with the princesses daily excercise, their coach telling them that, and I quote:

"A princess has to be in great shape if she wants to do high stress shopping."


"How do I hate this company, let me tell the ways"

They chatter inanely for a while, until Bianca starts talking to a squirrel. The others, being the bitches they are, believe she's conspiring against them to pull animal related pranks. But that's not the case as apparently there's a monster or something at a school for princes. So, the next several minutes are filled with inane, sexist chatter, and plans to shirk whatever education they're supposed to get, so they can disobey orders, and then BS Madam Drastic later. Because Madam Drastic's supposed to be the villain apparently. The girls lie to her, and treat education like nothing because they're a bunch of spoiled brats, but she's the villain.

She's the Ed Rooney to their 5 Ferris Buellers.

I'll save you the trouble with this one. Nothing happens. Even less than the last two. They chatter, they act like snarky douches, run into a monster for a couple seconds, head back to the school, and get away with leaving the school grounds. The FRIGGIN' END!

And that's Little Princess School. Unlikable characters, bad animation, inane plots, and a waste of mildly tolerable voice actors. pretty much runs the gamut of our old pals Video Brinquedo But even for Brinquedo characters, these 5 are perhaps the worst yet. No defining characteristics whatsoever. All are airheaded, lying, uneducated, fashon obsessed dolts who are supposed to be our protagonists. What a load of crap. One could argue that yes, this is aimed for very little girls. But this really isn't worth giving to an infant, much less a little girl. This is despicable Tooncrap. But for our old Brazilian buddies, it's pretty much par for the course.

Captain Planet: A Formula For Hate

The Infamous AIDS episode. Hoo Boy.

Turner: 1992


Let's travel back to the early 90's. Crystal Pepsi, Sega Genesis, and some of the best cartoons ever made.... And some of the more mediocre. A good example of that is Captain Planet. While most cartoons at the time were glorified toy commercials, this one was something much more devious....

A glorified PSA.

Captain Planet and the Planeteers was essentially a 20+ minute statement on the turmoil that the planet was in. Everything from the O-Zone, oil spills, the destruction of rainforests and wetlands, to things that have so much to do with that premise, like gang wars, the conflict between Protestant Irish and Catholic Irish, and in the case of our induction du jour, the HIV virus.

Yep, Captain Planet and the Planeteers had an Aids episode. Wrap that around your head for a while.

Now, before I get into this, just know that I am not mocking anybody with HIV. It is a serious disease, and I feel bad for anybody suffering from it, or who have died from it. What I am intending to do, is focus on what is perhaps the oddest route for any episode of a kids cartoon to go. While the disease was still relatively new to most people in the early 90's, it just seems that a cartoon starring a big blue guy with green hair, wearing a speedo isn't exactly the best way of teaching us about this disease to kids.



So, let's talk about the show itself. The premise is that the planet is in peril due to us mucking it up. Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, can no longer stand the destruction plaguing our planet. Why she had to wait so damn long though is beyond me. She sends 5 magic rings to 5 special young people.



Kwame, representing Africa. The leader of the group, and usually the most serious of the bunch. He has the power of Earth.



Next up is Wheeler, representing America. He's your essential "Brooklyn goofball" character, and considered the comic relief of our happy go lucky group.



From the Soviet U... I mean Eastern Europe is Linka. The standard "tough chick who likes the goofball douche". She has the power of wind.



Next is Asia's representative, Gi. Nobody gives a shit about Gi. She has the water power.



And finally there's perhaps the most infamous member of the group, South America's Ma-Ti. He has the power of Heart. Not lightning, or ice, or grass, or anything actually cool. He has the power of frigging heart. And what, prey, does heart do? Let's him talk to the animals, and communicate with the other Planeteers.







Weak.



Yep, 5 kids from 5 continents are the only hopes to save the planet. I'd say Australia, Antarctica, and the rest of the continents would feel shunned by not being part of the planeteers, but considering how dumb this toon is, I think they can count their lucky stars for that. When the planeteers combine their magic rings, they summon Captain Planet, Earth's greatest protector....



And its least fashion conscious. I mean, what the hell? The blue skin is fine, but the green hair, the exposed midriff, the speedo? He looks like Superman's fashion blind cousin.

Captain Planet's abilities are never fully defined. They're simply more of a deus ex machina for whatever the occasion may be. But with every hero there must be an Achilles heel. In the case of the cap, his weakness is dirt and grime. If he gets covered in oil, or smog, he's done like dinner. But once the crap's off him, he's ready to get back in the game and kick pollution's ass.

The show saw over 100+ episodes, and 6 seasons, surpassing most animated shows, even in the 90's. It also got a plethora of major Hollywood names to voice the heroes and villains of the show. Whoopi Goldberg, Michelle Pheiffer, Jeff Goldblum, Tim Curry (But seriously what the hell cartoon wasn't he in during the 90's?), and many more. The show definitely had strong backing for it, despite honestly not being the greatest show ever.

So, let's get into the episode of choice. Like I said, the majority of the plots focused on the environment, and those worked. What didn't work are plots that were outside its norm, and this episode is definitely no exception to that. It's called "A Formula For Hate", and may contain the stupidest supervillain idea in animated history. But let's not beat around the bush any longer. Let's review this thing.



We open our episode as the Planeteers learn that our villain of the day, Verminous Skumm, has broken into a doctor's office, and takes pictures of some medical files. Our Planeteers waste little time and head to the town of undefined where this incident took place Meanwhile, at a local high school, a basketball game is in progress, as a kid named Todd Andrews dominates the game, winning it for his team.

Meanwhile in attendance is Skumm and his crony, using the Ninja Turtle disguise method of trench coat and fedora. He grabs Todd, which creeps the ever loving crap out of the young lad. Later that night, Todd and his friends talk about how he's destined for a top scholarship because he's a god of the basketball court, and how one day he'll turn heel on Cleveland to join Miami.

Todd's mother shows up to remind him of a doctor's appointment later. Cut to the next day, where Todd learns that he's HIV positive. The doctor informs Todd and his mother on the possible ways of contracting HIV, including saying "unprotected sex". I know that's one of the ways, but wow. How many other kids shows have ever gotten away with the words "unprotected sex"? Also, how many kids in the age demo even know what sex is?

Meanwhile, at Skumm's sewer lair, Skumm uses a photocopier to make dozens of posters of Todd's face, with the word "AIDS!" in bold red letters. Skumm's master plan is to let the cat out of the bag about Todd's ailment, causing the town to go into a state of widespread panic. That's the big plan. To show how ignorant, cruel, and moronic the human race is. No big world domination plot, just make people treat a kid with HIV like crap.

Skumm's a dumbass. Or at least a villain with not much of a real goal in life.



Meanwhile the Burger King Kid's Club... I mean, the Planeteers, are still tring to find Skumm, while Todd is concerned about his future. But it's inspirational black coach to the rescue, as he tries to cheer Todd up. The Planeteers eventually find Skumm, who leads them into his sewer lair, and uses a gun that shoots restraints on them. He leaves them to drown as he is off to exact his "greatest plan ever". But since Wheeler has his ring hand free, he uses it to blast a hole in the wall, which frees them As they head off to face Skumm, he's already busy telling the entire school of Todd's ailment.


Because a creepy man in a trench coat seems like such a reliable source.

But sadly, it works, as the rest of the kids begin to treat Todd like crap. But hey, their just kids, and kids are stupid. It's not like the adults are gonna... Oh who the hell am I kidding?



The adults are out for blood. Hell, even Todd's little brother gets the crap kicked out of him. The Planeteers arrive as the town is destroying everything  They try their best to stop the unruly mob. Todd takes this time to run away in a canoe (?), and heads to an abandoned shack. He falls asleep, and has a messed up dream with everyone shunning him some more. He wakes up, and decides that he's going to put a stop to this insanity once and for all. The Planeteers summon Captain Planet, who takes Todd to the basketball game.



And at the game, as expected, the crowd is once again in a lynching mood at the sight of Todd, but it's time for the Captain to set them straight. He and the coach tell the crowd the truth about HIV, and that Todd's the same person he always was. This instantly causes a face turn for the entire town, who decide to let him play. Hold on, they're ready to kill the kid with HIV, but have zero problems with the flying blue guy with the green hair?

This town can eat my ass.

So Todd plays in the game, and Skumm gets arrested. The End.

This episode is just rather dumb. While the subject matter is definitely a serious one, predjudice, it's just so poorly handled. Even for a cartoon, I find it hard to believe an entire town would go insane and bloodthirsty over a kid with HIV, and that the only people with any logic are the doctor, the coach, and todd's family. This episode also suffers from what I like to call "guest starring the main character" syndrome, wheer the episode focuses more on a non-main or recurring character, and the regulars playing bit parts at best. Finally, how does this help Skumm take over the world? What, does he like get control of the town while they're all lynching a sick kid? I just don't get it. It may be on a serious subject, but it still deserves to be considered Tooncrap.

But it could be worse, I guess. It's not like Captain Planet was taking on the Nazi's or anything...

The Simpsons Pilot: the Original Version

Ay Caramba!

Fox: 1989

If I really have to talk about the success story that is the Simpsons, it's effect on not just animation, pop culture, and even culture period, then you really need to leave your rock. From day one, it's been my favorite cartoon of all time. I know so much about the series, top to bottom. While the show may not be in what people would consider the golden age, it still has it's great moments, and can still be one of the funniest cartoons out there today. It stands atop the realm of the animated with a staggering 400+ episodes (Rapidly approaching 500), is going on it's 22nd season, and has no signs of stopping any time soon.

And yet, it all could've ended before it even began.




The Simpsons road to the top began in 1987. One of the "gods of television" James L. Brooks, was looking for animators to create short 1 minute skit/bumpers for the sketch comedy series "the Tracy Ullman Show". He would enlist cartoonist Matt Groening, who at the time was starting to earn some notoriety for his "Life in Hell" comic strip. However, in fears of losing the rights to his beloved Ackbar and Jeff, as well as Binky the one eared rabbit, he instead made a quick sketch of crude looking humans, and named them from his own family (With the exception of Bart). And thus, the ultimate animated success story was born.

Despite being crudely animated, the shorts were a big hit. So much so, that Fox was ready to give the Simpsons their own shot at a prime time animated series in 1989, something that hadn't been done since "Wait Till Your Father Gets Home" in the mid 70's. This was a massive gamble, and if it had failed, one would wonder just exactly how the ramifcations would've affected the animation industry. So it had to be absolutely perfect, with less of a focus on cartoony "Hanna Barbera-esque" animation, and set to a more realistic setting.

Well, as realistic as a cartoon about yellow skinned humans with bulgy eyes and massive overbites could be at least.

The show was set to make it's debut in the fall of 1989, with the pilot being "Some Enchanted Evening". They sent the cartoon over to AKOM in Korea to animate it, with high hopes.

And what they got back, to quote mr. Brooks, was "shit".

Off Model, rubbery, facepalming shit.

So, with that said, let's dive into the original version of "Some Enchanted Evening". Let's review this thing.

Since this wasn't telecined, it does come off more faded than normal, but that doesn't save it. And it's not the whole episode either, so that's a plus.



We open our atrocity to a decent shot of the Simpsons house, as we head to the kitchen as Marge is making breakfast, and....



Yikes. We already see Marge quite off Model, but the worst is yet to come. She finishes the breakfast, and talks to Maggie.



Oh Ye Gods! If the earlier pic was bad, this is even worse. Marge looks like she gained a good 50 punds, and is almost frog/Quasimodo-like in appearance, with a very simian looking face. But this is thankfully cut quick as the rest of the family awakes. You can see as Bart opens copboard doors, that they have a more rubbery opening style. Their facial expressions also move in a very rubbery style as well, but that was a problem the first season suffered beyond this as well.




Good god almighty that is the smuggest damn Homer I've ever seen. He's quite off model as well, fatter in the body, and the head especially. He has a bit more of a Fred Flintstone-esque shape to him, and that's NOT a good thing.

The kids and Homer leave the house as Marge gets denied a kiss from Homer.



Jesus



H.



Macy!

Just... Wow. Those three images alone should say volumes. Especially long pucker Marge, and wide load Homer. Hell, I don't even think he was that wide when he was 300 pounds. And the sad thing is, Gabor Csupo, of Klasky-Csupo, the American animation company at the time for the Simpsons, saw no problems with this, blaming the problem more on the writing.

Uh, Gabor. Just wanna say thank you for Rugrats. Thank you for Duckman. Wild Thornberries sucked, but that's not what I'm getting at here. to put it simply....

HOW IN THE NAME OF KWYJIBO IS THIS NOT A PROBLEM???

Characters should not suffer from cases of weight gain and loss in almost every frame. They definitely shouldn't be so drastically off model like this. This is just shameful.

Back to the pilot.

If you've seen the episode, you know what happens next. Feeling dejected by her family, Marge calls Dr. Marvin Monroe's radio show. We cut to the Springfield Nuclear Plant.



Or, in this case, Springfield Nuclear Island.

From here, we get more of just the major and minor errors from the original pilot, and less the actual episode.


Either that phone's too big, or the Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service employs old midgets.


Either Homer's turned on, or suffering searing pain.


And we end the episode with somebody clearly activating "big head mode".

And that's pretty much most of the major errors. Good friggin lord. This is horrendous animation. Just everything about it is far and away from what the Simpsons would become. Now you could say that since this was the first episode that it wouldn't be perfect. But considering what they wanted the show to be, this goes far beyond just "not perfect". In fact, at the initial screening of this, James L. Brooks said, and i quote, "this is shit", which began the belief that if the 2nd episode "Bart the Genius" suffered from similar problems, that there simply would be no show. However, the 2nd episode did come out better, and the show made it's official debut in December with "the Simpsons Christmas Special", followed by the season kicking off in January of 1990. Since then, the show still kicks on, and looks to have no end in sight. But it is crazy just how it could've all come to a screeching halt before it really got off the ground.