Pinocchio 3000/P3K

No strings (or plot) attached

Cinegroupe/Anima Kids/Filmax: 2004

So, here we are. Last major induction for January's double induction month, and we've chosen a fine lamb for the Tooncrap slaughter this time. a 2004 direct to DVD piece of dung created from Cinegroupe, the same company that gave us our last induction, Mega Babies. And while nowhere as vile as Mega Babies, it's still a lackluster film that mixes the classic tale, with a "nail it in your skull" environmental message. Because considering the fact that in 2010 we've screwed up the world enough already, The planet is still going to have some sort of actual environment in 910 years time?

So, without much more delay, let's....



Enter the World of Tomorrow!... and review this thing.



We start the film appropriately enough with Pinocchio being built. As Gepetto eerily looks at his new robot child, We see or first glimpses of the futuristic city of Scamboland some kids talking, and find a flower growing from a brick wall, about to be destroyed by a robot. One of the kids jumps over to the building to grab it, despite the robot still coming right for him.. Before he gets killed by the oncoming robot, he jabs a brick in the wall, causing the robot to get caught in it, and break down, protecting the flower. And while I'm at it look at the outfits on these kids.



I know this is the future, but the outfits look so lame. Then again, it could be worse, They could be wearing those stupid foam outfits from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.





From there we meet the main villain Mayor Scamboli (Voiced by Malcolm McDowell), as he strokes his ego in front of his two ass kisser robots. We then meet his daughter Marlene, who then proceeds to put a CD into one of the ass kiss bots, causing it to have what I take is the robotic equivalent of a seizure. She then bitches to her father that Scamboville is nothing but work, and not play. Since Scamboli hates children (which throws the question as to why the hell he even has one of his own), he decides to build a place to contain all the kids in Scamboville, a place he plans to call Scamboland. Boy, and I thought Vince McMahon had an ego.

And the flower still gets covered. Bang up job protecting it kids.

So, anyways, back to Pinocchio... No, wait, let's first meet Gepetto's butler Comic Relief, I mean Spencer, voiced by Howie Mandel. Someone who I think would love the germ free cleanliness of Scamboville. And boy, is Spencer the most annoying character ever as i he constantly makes misquotes, and fluctuates between Howie's normal voice, and this really dumb lispy voice. Meanwhile, the kids of Scamboville head to the new Scamboli attraction. Scamboli welcomes the kids to his amusement park, and there's a mishap with cutting the ribbon due to the moronic robot help forgetting the scissors. Marlene, realizing one of the two is a freakin' porcupine robot, pulls off a quill and cuts the ribbon. But before his B-musement park is open, Gepetto taps power from the town's main supply, causing a blackout, as he finally bring Pinochhio to life. Geppetto tells his son of all the stuff he's gonno with him, but then informs that since Pinocchio's a robot, he'll never know what it's like to be a real boy. But suddenly, a flash of light enters the room.




To which we then meet the robot fairy Cyberina, voiced by Whoopi Goldberg. After some flat jokes, she informs Pinocchio that if he learns the difference between right and wrong, and not be a Republican, she will make him a real boy. And then we get more "humor" from Spencer.

So Pinocchio heads off to school, and lovely, he brings Spencer with him. So I take it Spencer is this film's Jiminy Cricket? The difference between Spencer and Jiminy is that every word Jiminy uttered never made me wish I could punch him. And Pinocchio begins to utter his catchphrase "saved to memory". So Pinocchio gets to school, and Spencer, thankfully is chased off by Scamboli's ass kiss bots. Pinocchio meets Marlene, who has no problems insulting him for being a robot. So, instead of going to school, she takes him to something known as the Imagination game, which is hosted by Cyberina. This leads to the two essentially Imagining while a really crappy song plays. Oh well, at least it's Gottfried free. And for as dumb as this movie's been so far, this is actually pretty enjoyable. The animation of the scene is well done, and the different worlds imagined are animated well.



However, the winner of the contest is Marlene, which causes Pinocchio to get all pissy at her. After getting confused by the the ass kisser bots, they take him to Scamboli. Scamboli decides that since nobody for obvious reasons will listen to his moronic companions, he'll send Pinocchio to lure the kids to Scamboland. This leads to the next song, which sadly lacks the enjoyability of the first one. Scamboli kidnaps Gepetto, and forces him to watch as the attractions turn the kids of Scamboville into robots.



And despite the whole "every kid in town is a freaking robot thing" Pinocchio and Marlene continue the essential love story of this movie. Very Awkward. However, the awkward love angle dies as Pinocchio finds enjoyment out of the roboslaves turning Marlene's garden into a silver, lifeless mess. However, Pinocchio soon learns the truth about the robot kids, and sets off to find his father. However, since Gepetto's still kidnapped, he finds Spencer instead.

Yay. Because what this move was missing was MORE MANDEL!

So, Pinocchio and Spencer head to Scamboli, who at the same time informs Marlene of his plan. Being the tree hugger she is, she's not fond of the idea.




Scamboli ditches his daughter to face off with Pinocchio, and introduce him to the new full metal Gepetto. Spencer tries to help, but being the worthless piece of crap he is, makes things much worse. Pinocchio and Spencer end up in the affectionately titled "Tunnel of danger", as Pinocchio and Spencer dodge obstacles from Scamboli.

For a guy who made an amusement park to transform kids into robots, he sure put a lot of effort into it, I'll give him that.


Marlene tries to aid them, but Scamboli puts a stop to her. Hoo boy is Scamboli a dick of a father. Pinocchio survives the tunnel, and Scamboli gets chased by the robo kids. He tries to escape, but crashes into one his attractions. Robo Gepetto Turns the kids back to normal.But before he can turn Gepetto back, Pinocchio faces off against Scamboli, and beats him, causing Scanboli to turn into a robot.



So, Cyberina turns Pinocchio into a real boy, and Gepetto back to normal. Scamboli ends up a robot, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Except me for watching this crap.

I'll admit the CGI is impressive, and the score save for the crappy songs is nice, but the plot is boring, the characters bland, and I have the sudden urge to throw mud on Howie Mandel and laugh as he goes insane.

So that ends January's inductions. Tooncrap will return next week with the first induction of February's "Stupor Zero" Month.

Mega Babies

The visual charisma of a used diaper

Teletoon/Fox: 1999

Ever since Ren and Stimpy gained popularity in the 90's, kids shows have tried to recreate the form of gross out humor that the series had become known for. However, none succeeded. What most shows lacked that R&S had was gross out humor, likable characters, and episodes with logical plots. Take for example the induction du jour, Mega Babies. Now, this one may actually be one that most Americans may have either never seen, or quickly forgot about. Though for Canadians, we remember it too well. In Fact, I remember for a good span of several months, Teletoon, Canada's equivalent of Cartoon Network, would air promos building up to the show's eventual release. However, no date was really ever specified, so I forgot all about it for the longest time. Then, when i finally realized the show actually was airing on Teletoon, i gave it a try. I wish I didn't, as the poop, fart, and booger ratio of the show was so massive, it would make Tom Green blush.



Mega Babies was created by CinéGroupe, a Canadian animation company that gave us such hits as Bad Dog, Pig City, What's with Andy?, The Kids from room 402, and other crap that aired on Fox Family before Fox Family was bought by ABC. And like I said before, Every success has its sub par doppleganger, and this is one of them. I mean, a cartoon about 3 super powered tots, where have we seen that before? I know there was a cartoon that was on around that same time, on a much better network, that was a massive success. Even had its own movie if i recall. The Name escapes me at the mome......



Oh, there it is.

So, it's a gross PPG ripoff? Only one way to really find out, let's review this sucker.



The Intro starts off with telling us the Origin, as apparently the planets align, and by some act of kismet zaps 3 babies and their nanny. The 3 babies gain super powers, and their nanny AKA Nurse Lazlo gains a super powered brain. And we get a mildly nauseating theme set to "Rock a Bye baby". I guess it does the trick. It at least gives enough of an interest to explain an origin. The intro shows great moments like them eating hydrants, playing hockey.....


And defecating. Get used to that as we go along.

Like most animated shows of this nature, a basic show was broken into 2 short episodes. So to fill our quota (or diaper as it seems appropriate), We'll look at 2 episodes. And we'll start with the affectionately titled "Poop Doggy Dog", as our lovable, yet repulsive moppets are looking out the window of their nursery at passing dogs. When they inform Nurse Lazlo of their interest in dog owning, she tells them no.



They don't take it well.

So Lazlo gives in and takes them to the pet store. Where tons of madcap nausea inducing moments ensue. Including the blue Mega Baby pulling on a dog's ears and making it crap itself. Thankfully we don't see it, but we still get the joke drilled into our skulls when the blue one then defecates.

Charming.





So after gross mishaps, and destroying the pet shop with a powerful sneeze, they leave dogless. And after annoying the bejesus out of her again, Lazlo decides to build them a robot dog instead.



Or whatever the hell THAT'S supposed to be. The babies are impressed nonetheless and name him Bullet. But our young heroes learn that taking care of a robot dog is no easy feat, as it does things from destroying their toys, to taking an acid piss on a neighbor's tree. And soon the babies lose interest in their robo pal as they leave him in the yard. But after the dog chews the main power supply to the house, it escapes and begins its killing spree. Okay, maybe not a killing spree, but with all the repulsive stuff this show's given us so far, I wouldn't hold it against this show. I also want to state that the babies aside, this show may just have the most repulsive looking human beings I've seen in any cartoon.

The Dog causes some mayhem, and steals a giant dinosaur bone. When the dog ends up stuck on top of a building, the fire department come in to put a stop to the dog. But the babies ad Lazlo put a stop to them, and to complete the holy trifecta of fecal and booger humor.


Yeah.

The Army comes in, and the babies begin to do battle with the Army, as the dog gets doused with water destroying him. The babies get praised for their help, despite the fact that the fire department stopped the metal abomination. And the babies decide that they want a pony instead.


So yeah, we've hit the nail on the head on how this show works. The babies act annoying, They vomit, poop, and booger up the place, and that's about 10 minutes in the can. Let's look at one more and we can call it an induction. This one just as affectionately titled "Grossery Shopping".



After being awaken at 2:42 Am, the Babies and Lazlo are hungry, and decide to go to the local all night grocery store. But they soon realize that most people have common sense and close their stores in the middle of the damn night. But they eventually find an open store, that looks unassumingly old and dilapidated. So after meeting Chuck, a lovable yet bat crap crazy individual, they begin their shopping expedition as they split up. I know they have superpowers, but still, who the hell leaves their kids unattended?

Nurse Lazlo blows.

So, Lazlo finds herring that was supposedly expired in 1972, but is crossed out, and "tomorrow" is written. And she believes it. I guess that newly grown brain was just for show. The Yellow baby looks for a popsicle, and using his super strength, pulls open a freezer door, and grabs one, and....



GOODNIGHT GRACIE, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!? Well, whatever it is, it leaves the freezer.... and turns into a mad scientist, who unleashes a horde of evil food.....

Okay, go back a second! He goes from this....



To this?



And nobody's going to explain why?

F**k this show.




So, yeah. Living food beasts, AKA Patented nightmare fuel. I mean LOOK AT THESE THINGS! They make Phil Spector's Epic Mickey drawings look tame by comparison.




There aren't enough bandages in the world that are gonna hold these mental scars together.

So, the Mega Babies destroy most of the beasts, save for the mad scientists evil Chicken, who prepares to fire a blast of demonic yolk out of its rear. Lazlo catapults the blue baby, who then eats the yolk, farts an atomic blast, and gets eaten by the demon chicken, but escapes before the chicken demon explodes. The scientist is foiled, and the babies leave....

And we never get an explanation as to why the evil scientist was a monster Sasquatch thing! Hello? If that isn't a Big Lipped Alligator Moment, i have no damn clue what is.

And that's Mega Babies folks. Lackluster plots, Vulgar to the 10th degree, and mind scarrers so massive, no amount of brain bleach can cure you. The idea could've worked if it wasn't so repulsive, but for what it was, it was literal Tooncrap.

So, January's wrapping up, and this whole month of Double inductions is coming to a close. Come February, it's a one induction per week deal. But we still have one induction left for January, and wouldn't you know it, it was also made by Cinegroupe. For the last induction of January, prepare yourself to take a look into the future....



"The Future, Sin?"

That's right Conan O'Brien skit we'll probably never see again. This Sunday it's time we took a look all the way to the year 3000.



See you then.

Sit Down, Shut Up

Don't Watch, Change Channel

Fox, 2009

Animated sitcoms are a dime a dozen. We're seen the dominant mainstay like the Simpsons, the fan favorite like Family Guy, the scrappers who keep on fighting like Futurama, and even the lovable losers like the Crtic. The past 20 years of the animated sitcom boom has given us plenty of laughs, but even more annoyed sighs. Not every show can be a legend like the Simpsons, or even a beloved cult show like Mission Hill. For most animated sitcoms, they just plain suck, and are doomed to join animated sitcom Hell, joining such well known losers like Capitol Critters, Fish Police, Family Dog, The PJs, God, The Devil and Bob, and in the case of last year, The Goode Family, and the cartoon in question this week, Sit Down, Shut Up.

In 2009, Fox said goodbye to one of it's most beloved animated mainstays, in Mike Judge's King of the Hill. After a successful 13 season run, the show was seeing its way out the door so that Seth Macfarlane can whore out the Family Guy universe even further with The Cleveland Show. And while i have grown to enjoy the Cleveland Show, it certainly is no King of the Hill. But with Cleveland slated for September, and KOTH ending in April of 09, something needed to fill the void. Enter Sit Down, Shut Up. An American attempt at reviving an Australian animated show, and filling it up with a powerhouse star supply. With the likes of Will Arnett, Kenan Thompson, Will Forte, Henry Winkler, how could you go wrong? Well considering you're taking your idea directly from a cartoon that failed in its homeland of Australia, one would pretty much bet that lightning probably won't strike twice.

Hell, i remember when i first caught this show, and I turned the channel after a few minutes of the first act. The lack of humor, lame entendres, and lame stereotypes were enough to turn me off, and wish for it's quick but still agonizing death. Turning back around the end of the episode after feeling like maybe I was too harsh on it already, I would soon realize, maybe i should've kept the channel changed. And surprisingly, I wasn't alone, as this show saw 4 episodes come to air on Fox's "Animation Domination" block, before being dropped from the network entirely, only to return and die on a late Saturday night slot.

But, how could a show with some of the Arrested Development cast, Tom Kenny, and other talented actors and actresses be a monumental failure? Well, let's.... ugh... Sit Down, Shut Up, and review Sit Down, Shut Up.




So we open our show as we meet the colorful cast of teachers and faculty of Knob Haven High School, which is in Knob Haven Florida. One second in, and already we see this shows modus operandi in terms of humor. Tons and tons of dick jokes. Then again, i guess Knob Haven isn't as foolish a name as Stoolbend. As we meet our first character, the English teacher Ennis Hofftard, who informs a group of passing cyclers to make way for someone with a little nut ack.



Get it? 29 seconds in, and already 2 dick jokes.



We also learn of his catchphrase. In fact, all the characters have catchphrases. I'm guessing this was more of an attempt to mock the whole idea of character catchphrases, but it's still kinda dumb. At least try to make them sound like a catchphrase.



And what silly sitcom would be complete without an Muslim stereotype? I know he's not trying to behead the New Kids on the Block, but still, yeesh.




And the silliness still does not cease as we meet the stereotypically gay Drama teacher, and the overly manly female librarian. As well as the loser German teacher who hates his life.




As well as God horny hippie Science teacher (Named Miracle Grohe.), and her baby which is smarter than her. And the only somewhat competent teacher of the bunch, the P.E Teacher...

Named Larry Littlejunk.

OH COME ON!




And finally the acting principal, Sue Sezno (Who's catchphrase is....... "no"), and the assistant principal... oh, wait.... ASS principal Stuart Proszakian, who was a former prison clown, and is the overly oblivious one of the bunch.

And there's the first 5 minutes of the show, and your cast of colorful, yet unlikeable characters. Another thing you probably noticed by now is that the backgrounds are all actual photographed places. In one way, it actually is an interesting idea, but on the other hand, it kinda makes the show feel that much more cheap.

So we get to the actual plot of the episode as Principal Sezno informs Larry and Ennis about the school's plan to fire one of the teachers, and Happy the Muslim custodian's discovery of drugs in a student's locker room. So, she decides to give the pills to Miracle the science teacher to see what they are. And as Larry tells us, she's an idiot who only got the science job by stripping to prove she wasn't made by a monkey.



And we move on to our next plot point as German teacher William Deutschebog, as he gives our blatantly ignorant to the world around him English teacher Ennis his porno mags to get rid of. not hearing him, he informs some kids about the mags. Back to the main plot, as Miracle informs Larry and Sue that after listening to the stars, she believes the pills are steroids. But Larry doesn't believe it due to the students at the school being terrible at every sport. And being that the school is corrupt, Sue thinks it's best that they use the steroids on the students so they can win a football game for once. Though Larry believes it best to test them on an adult first. And they decide that the goofy ass. principal should be the guinea pig, as they make him assistant coach. And back to the 2nd plot point, as Ennis continues to blurt out that William has porn. Larry learns that the real reason that most of the football team suck is due to Miracle's starvation drive...



and that the pills are apparently estrogen, and not steroids. And despite Stuart's new set, the football team still ends up losing. and Willard gets fired for his porn.

And that's the first episode of Sit Down, Shut Up. And..... It was pretty dull. other than the terrible plot, annoying characters, and the constant entendres, I wasn't impressed, and it wasn't enough for me to give a damn to watch the week after.

So yeah, a pretty quick induction this time around, but don't fret. the next review should be much more exciting. So Stay Tuned.... Is a really good movie starring John Ritter. Go watch that some time between now, and Thursday.

New Kids on the Block

The Wrong Stuff

ABC: 1990

Like 3D glasses and the Yo-Yo, everything always seems to make a come back after a long period of absence. Unfortunately, one of those things is the "Tough but Non Threatening" boy band gimmick. This Generation has the Purity Ring whoring Disney moppets the Jonas Brothers, The 90's saw the insanity of Backstreet Boys, N*Sync, 98 Degrees, The Children of the Corn.... I mean Hanson, etc. Though one can trace the interest in all male pop groups all the way back to the days of the Monkees, all boy bands now and always model themselves off of one group, and one group in particular. That group being The New Kids on the Block.



If you grew up in the late 80's, you know of the success these lads produced. A merchandising bonanza, chart topping songs, and they even nice enough to give us band member Donnie Wahlberg's brother Marky Mark. That was nice of them... I guess. You couldn't escape their sappy, yet catchy tunes like "You got it (The Right Stuff)", "Hangin Tough", or "Step By Step". And unfortunately if you thought that Saturday mornings were free of them, you would be wrong. Because the big wigs at ABC decided that the New Kids needed their own cartoon on Saturday Mornings. Now young girls all over the world could get wet to animated versions of Jordan, Donnie, and the rest. Just count your blessings they weren't solving mysteries in every episode i guess, or you could swear it was made from Hanna Barbera. But no, this was a total Dic Move.

So, was the New Kids toon "The Right Stuff"? Let's take a "Step by Step" look, It'll be hard to do, but I'm sure we'll be "Hangin' Tough" by the end. So "Please don't go Girl"......


"GET ON WITH IT!"

Okay, fine. If i kept making song related puns, we'd be here until "Summertime"...

If you wondered what era this show was from, you'd have no problem guessing by looking at the opening alone. From its flashes of neon, and Mixture of the live action and animated counterparts of the New Kids, you'd get that nostalgic feeling of all the stuff you're glad never made it past the early 90's. So, we get our shots of the Animated NKOTB as they run from their rabid female fans, and a mix of the actual New Kids performing to a large audience of teens, making their ginies tickle.

Let's look at one of the few episodes that actually made it to video apparently, "Sheik of my Dreams".



We start every episode with a member of the group talking. And almost every time they sound bored out of their minds. So, we get Jordan Knight in this one talking about finding the girl who would love him for who he is, spliced with concert footage. So, despite the money, the fame, and the female groupies willing to pop their cherries for a chance at being the "New chick on the Cock", he would rather a girl want him for who he is. What a sensitive shmuck. And with that add the thought of Jordan's junk to the list of Disturbing moments alongside Naked Albano, and Moolah going down on herself.




So, we start the actual animated episode with what appears to be Carl Winslow from Family Matters leading the band and their manager into their hotel room, as the group are surprised at the lack of female fans. But just as they think they're free from insane teen girl love, it's all for naught as apparently the "Fan Central" as they call it, are always spying on them, ready to somehow have a crowd of rabid fans at the ready wherever the New Kids are at. And for some reason, this scene is spliced with clips of actual rabid New Kids fans.


Damn, these screwballs mean business.

And despite the rabid underage poon, Jordan laments on how he just wants a girl to love him for him. But with the lunatics apparently escaped from the asylum surrounding their hotel, escape is impossible. And to ensure they don't escape, Biscuit, their bodyguard litters the floor outside the room with pizza boxes with motion detectors inside.



But it fails, as apparently the group still manage to escape, and head to the mall. And instead of using a logical disguise, they dress up like lovable Arabian stereotypes.
and apparently despite being apparently the most famous faces on the planet, nobody notices them as they give away pictures of themselves. So even when hiding from their fans, they find an ample time to shill. But before you can say, what's the actual plot to this episode, we learn of a sultan who just so happens to live in Beverly hills in a bit old Agrabah style mansion. The Sultan's daughter Kalila is sick of his old fashioned ways. The Sultan (Voiced by James Avery BTW) sends his servant Fahib to find 5 eligible bachelors for his daughter to choose from. And back to the New kids, who are still shilling photos.


With sexy cartoony results.

But their sheiky baby act soon fails, as the gang once again runs from their insane fans. And the gang teach us a valuable lesson about going into a strangers car, as they enter Fahib's limo. So Fahib informs our heroes of the situation, and Jordan loves the thought of King Ahmed's (Who sadly seems to not be eating any reef at the moment) Daughter being new in town. And we cut to Some seizure inducing 90's stock footage as Jordan gives us some words to live by...


Jordan Knight: Seeing me.. in a cartoon show... is kinda putting me in a fantasy land.

Indeed it is Mr. Knight, Indeed it is.




So the lads enter the sheik's pad on Beverly Drive as they are greeted by King Ahmed. And for some reason, Donnie decides to play game show, as we play "Pick your guy", which, let's be honest, is as rigged as Spin the Choice. So, the gang persuades her into Picking Jordan and she does. And after a little music video, the gang learns that Jordan is to be wed to Kalila. And backing out of it is a no go, as Fahib threatens to decapitate them if they don't go through with the wedding.



So after those messages, we're right back with Teen Toon News. a segment that's thrown in every episode, as we pretty much learn that the New Kids may be late for their upcoming concert. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott, Biscuit, and the show's decided animal mascot, a dog named Nico, are off to find the New Kids. As we get more words of dead pan wisdom from our pal Jordan.

Jordan Knight: Nico's Slick. Nico's Sly..

Words of a poet.



As our heroes, dressed like Aladdin's stunt doubles try to escape, they get caught by Fahib, and old man head choppy goes after them. Meanwhile Jordan Sneaks into the room where Kalila is arguing with her farther. After the lovey dovey speech about wanting a girl to like them for being themselves between Jordan and Kalila, we're back to the main plot, and the New Kids avoiding decapitation. Wow, Aladdin couldn't get away with "They will cut off your ear if they don't like your face", yet New Kids can get away with head chop happy Arabs. What a crazy world. So it's a camel chase through Beverly Hills, as the manager and bodyguard chase after as well. So after some wacky hijinks, They finally tell Kalila's father of the situation, he calls of Fahib, and Jordan and Kalila say their goodbyes, and we end the show with a sappy New Kids song called "I'll be loving you" I guess.

So yeah, that's new Kids on the Block the Animated Series. What an ego trip. Outside of the mild racism, and the fact that the New Kids seem to be like Jesus incarnate to the horny young girls of the world, It's a pretty bland show. Definitely one of Dic's more forgettable shows. But before I go, let's talk quickly about a certain moment from another episode.

The plot of the episode "Step out of Time" involves the new kids meeting a pair of dancing siblings, the New kids join in, and show off their dance moves...


Essentially this.

I know the dancing in the early 90's was bad, but i don't believe there was ever a time "the half assed jig, and limp wrist Charleston" were ever in style. It's an absolute piece of goofiness, and just sums up the insanity of this whole cartoon. And for as bad as the show was, count your blessings we at least don't have to deal with a Jonas Brothers Cartoon. Though dealing with them at all is bad enough.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've had my fill of cheesy pop fluff. I'm off to listen to some REAL music.