Return of Jafar

The Cheapquel that started it all
Disney: 1994

Recently, I've had the urge to watch some of Disney's classic animated movies. Mostly for that lovable little burrowing insect known as the nostalgia bug One such movie is the 1992 Classic Aladdin. This was easily my favorite of all the Disney movies (though Alice in Wonderland comes mighty close). I always loved the story of the magic lamp, and having a Genie grant you wishes. So take that, and add in some comedy that certainly won't be dated from comedian Robin Williams, the voice of Steve from Full House, some other memorable characters, plenty of action, romance, and some wonderful and memorable songs (my favorites being One Jump Ahead, and Friend like me), and you have a movie that both genders can easily enjoy. When i decided to buy VHS tapes again (Yes, i buy VHS tapes. they're cheap, and still usable dammit), this was the first Disney film I bought. and looking back at it now it still holds up as it did when i was a lad (din?).

This brings us to this induction. I had first heard of the sequel to Aladdin through an issue of Disney Adventures (which I used to get all the time as a kid). They even did a comic for it in the magazine. I was excited, as I was still too young to realize the fact that rarely ever do sequels live up to the originals, as well as not ready for the infamous evil known simply as the cheapquel.

As was the case when i rented this movie not too long after its release. Instead of the action packed, and entertaining romp i got with the original, I got a sequel that fell flat on every aspect. And this was the first official direct to video sequel for Disney. If this wasn't a terrible indication of things to come, then I don't know what is.

And, without further Apu.....



"Oh, i have been zinged, and i love it"

It's time to review this sucker.

We start of with a reprise of "Arabian Nights" from the original movie. That's a plus at least. A group of thieves on horses race across the desert and into an old demolished temple. The thieves are pleased at the treasures they've stolen, while unaware they're being pick-pocketed. They state that they've gathered much loot, no thanks to their leader Abis-Maul (Voiced by Jason Alexander. Also note that his name sounds like Abysmal. Oh Disney and their lovable wordplay), who has his hand caught in a vase. Because he's the "beloved leader" He feels he deserves all of the treasure. Suddenly, the chest carrying some of the loot begins to move. One of the thieves grabs the chest, and it's revealed to be Abu, Aladdin's lovable Monkey sidekick.



Before the thieves can do some damage to our simian friend, Our hero Aladdin reveals himself. Aladdin quickly defeats the thieves and escapes with the treasure with the help of his flying carpet. The heroes head back to Agrabah.

Meanwhile somewhere in the middle of the desert, everyone's favorite annoying parrot Iago (voiced once again by Gilbert Gottfried) emerges from the sand with Jafar's lamp. Jafar (Still trapped in the lamp) orders Iago to free him. However Iago now feels that Jafar is nothing without hi, and already it leads to our first official song of the movie (Arabian nights doesn't count as it's more the theme of the movie than a full on Disney song).



A song sung by Gilbert Gottfried. Well, if you can call what Gilbert does "singing". It's more like talking with music in the background. 6 minutes into this movie, and I'm already feeling agony. In the "song" he dumps Jafar's lamp into a well, and pretty much gives in "song" form, that he's quitting, and couldn't really give a damn if Jafar wishes him well in his future endeavors. Iago then heads to Agrabah and continues to "sing" about how he doesn't need anybody, and from now on it's all about him. Thankfully the song is only about a Minute andalf, but damn, did we really need a song by Gilbert freakin' Gottfried?




Aladdin returns to Agrabah, and throws the collected treasure across the town, while greedy douche Abu freaks out over Al's decision. though he saves a jewel flower for Jasmine, which again pisses off Abu. Al's greeted by Jasmine's pet tiger Rajah. He gives Jasmine the flower.

Jasmine: It must have cost a fortune.
Aladdin: Nah, it was a steal.



Jasmine informs Al that her father has an important announcement at dinner that night. Meanwhile Abu tries to steal the jewel flower, to be stopped by Rajah.

Meanwhile, Iago is still talking to himself about how Jafar screwed up everything. Aladdin and Abu decide to take a stroll around town, while all nice and dressed for the dinner. Iago comes up with the brilliant scheme to try and get back into the palace, in which he tries to get the sympathy of Aladdin. And of course, Al doesn't believe him. They end up running into Abis-Maul and his cronies. Aladdin defends himself, until they gang up on him. and Iago ends up saving Aladdin. The royal guards chase after Abis-Maul and his gang. Aladdin thanks Iago for his help, and decides to see if the Sultan will give him a fair chance, while trying to hide Iago from Jasmine. However, just as Jasmine and Al have a touching moment.



Genie returns.

Time for the oh-so-petty rant. I'll try not to make this frequent. Genie in this movie is NOT voiced by Robin Williams. Instead, he's voiced by Dan Castellaneta. While i find Castellaneta to be a great VA, I've always found his genie to, well suck. Mostly cause it doesn't feel natural like Robin Willaims, It sounds more like Homer Simpson trying his damnedest to be Robin Williams, but failing miserably. Also, note that Genie still has his golden shackles that were removed from him when he was freed at the end of the first movie Aladdin. Not the biggest thing to get pissy about, but it's still annoying..okay, rant over, let's continue.

Genie has returned from his trip around the world, and after a few funny (But not Ha Ha funny) transformations and impressions, we're greeted to the 2nd song. Sung by Casellaneta. not as terrible as Gilbert, but it still doesn't feel like a song,and more just goofy impressions. The whole song is about his trip, and how he feels Agrabah is home. 2 songs in, and neither are even remotely memorable or interesting.

Genie explains that while still magic, hes powers aren't quite as powerful since he's been given the ol' get out of lamp free card. Jasmine and Aladdin realize they're late for dinner, and invite Genie. Aladdin has Abu guard Iago. much to the chagrin of our pissy little simian. Meanwhile, Abis-Maul is conveniently at the well where Jafar was dumped by Iago. His thieving cohorts finally decide the next chance they get, they're going to kill him. Which begs the question as to why the hell this clumsy oaf is their Leader in the first place? Just as they're about to shiv him, he ends up finding Jafar's lamp, and rubs it. This of course releases Jafar. 20 minutes into a 60 minute movie, and Jafar has technically returned. The thieves run for the hills.



Despite being out of the lamp, Jafar is still bound by it, which also means he can't personally kill Aladdin, unless Abis-Maul can arrange it. He tells Abis-Maul to take him to Agrabah. Abis finally clues in that he's supposed to get wishes, which Jafar promises to do if he takes him to Agrabah first. When Abis tries to get his wishes first, Jafar pretty much shows him who's the real master of this partnership. He wishes for a legendary sunken ship. Jafar grants it... by actually taking him to the sunken ship.


SWERVE!

Jafar has Abis wish them back to the desert. Jafar pretty much screws him out of his first two wishes, and tells him that if he works with Jafar, he'll make sure he gets what he wants with his final wish.

At the royal dinner, Genie entertains while serving dinner. the sultan informs Aladdin that he wants him to be the new royal vizier. Genie says that Al will be a much better vizier than Jafar. And of course they talk of Iago. We cut to Iago and Abu. as Iago begs to be released from the cage Aladdin put him in to hide him from the sultan. Abu releases him, only for Iago to end up being chased by Rajah and finally revealed to everyone. This of course ends up leading to Aladdin trying to plead that Iago has changed his ways. Since nobody else buys it, Al says that he'll watch Iago. this leads to both the Sultan and Jasmine becoming rightfully angered at Aladdin. Considering the history with Iago, it's understandable. Iago begins to feel bad for Aladdin, but won't admit it. That is until Genie annoys the crap out of him at least. This leads to Iago telling Jasmine that Iago saved his life and...

no.

No!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!



MORE SINGING BY GILBERT GOTTFRIED!!!!!!

Again, if you can call that singing. At least with this one the singers for Aladdin and Jasmine are actually pretty good. good, sure as hell not great. Three Songs in, half the movie over, and nothing close to wonderful and whimsical. And this is supposed to be the romantic song too? Whole New World this crap ain't.

After this song plays, Abis-maul sneaks into the palace. also, I'd like to note that somehow not within minutes, Aladdin has changed from his palace uniform to his regular duds. Al and Jasmine decide they want to be alone.so after some annoyances from Genie, they finally get to be. Iago decides to live it up in luxury, only to run into his old Boss Jafar.



Jafar informs Iago that he wants him to Lead Aladdin to Jafar's trap. after some Still unfunny stuff with Genie, Abu, and Iago, Iago tries to get Al and the Sultan to take a carpet ride with him. This leaves genie and Abu at the palace having a Picnic. The picnic gets overrun by spiders, which of course turn into Jafar. This leads to a fight between the now weaker Genie, and Jafar. and this leads to..... UGH..



Yet another song. Jafar sings about how genie's powers are now 2nd rate. I willadmit, it took 4 songs, but this one is actually good. Good animation (for this movie at least), and the song is actually quite funny and catchy. it took 45 minutes or so, but i guess better late than never. Jafar traps genie in some kind of crystal ball thing and wraps Abu into the wall.

Meanwhile, Al tries to apologize to the sultan, who's still not quick to forgive Iago. just as things seem patched up, Jafar arrives and captures the sultan. Aladdin quickly realizes that Iago is a traitor and gives chase on carpet but in the end finds himself falling off a waterfall. until Jafar saves him. You'd think Jafar would've wanted Aladdin to die either way, but since there's still like 10, 20 minutes left, of course he has to prolong this.

With all the main characters (minus Jasmine and Aladdin) captured, Jafar slices the Sultan's hat to make it look like he was killed. As Aladdin returns to the palace, he discovers that Jafar has framed Aladdin for the murder of the Sultan. Just before he's locked in the Dungeon, Jasmine tells him he's to be executed at dawn. Of course it's not really Jasmine, but Jafar, but that was pretty obvious. And now Jasmine's been captured by Jafar and Abis Maul as well. Dawn approaches and Aladdin is sent to his Beheading. Meanwhile Iago tries to free the Genie. And or course, in the classic cliched last seconds, Genie is freed, and Al is saved, and the rest are freed. Al learns that Iago rescued them. Iago thinks they should leave, but Al says that they have to stop Jafar. Genie says the only way to stop Jafar is to destroy the lamp. Iago decides to leave instead

Jafar orders Abis Maul to free him, but he refuses. Jafar tries to persuade him with tons of treasure, causing Abis-Maul to let go of the lamp. When Aladdin tries to grab it, he and Abis Maul fight over it, and Jafar becomes ever so pissed. And so we enter the final battle, and the conclusion of this crappy film begins. Jafar, now in giant Genie form, grabs what he believes to be Aladdin, but it turns out to be Genie. Aladdin tries to grab the lamp, but Jafar freezes carpet, who ends up shattering on impact. Jafar rips the ground apart, causing the heroes to be stuck on rocks that are sinking into the lava below. However the lamp is also precariously close to the lava. As Jafar tries to blast Aladdin into the fiery deep, Iago returns and grabs the lamp, only to get blasted onto a rock with the lamp. With a last ounce of strength, he kicks the lamp into the lava below, thus destroying Jafar. the ground repairs itself, and everything's back to normal, even carpet.

But alas, not all is well, Poor Iago has died. risking his life in the ultimate sacrifice, proving that in the end that we should not judge all books by their covers. He may have started evil, but in the end, he died a hero.


Oh, of course he didn't die. He becomes the new member of Aladdin's circle of cohorts. and Aladdin decides not to be the sultan's vizier (once again to the disgust of douchy Abu and Iago). Aladdin decides he wants to see the world, and Jasmine wants to go with him.

And that's the movie. Well, if you actually bother to fast forward the credits,you see that Abis maul realizes he isn't getting his third wish.

And THAT's the movie. It's sad to think that such a great movie spawned such a mediocre sequel. That, while serves its purpose as a cheapquel, comes nowhere close to recapturing the magic of the original.

Main Problems with this movie:

The animation. I understand they weren't going to get animation on par with the first movie, but the animation for the movie is the same animation used for the Aladdin TV series. even to the point of some of the scenes in the movie being used in the intro. Hell, this could have easily been the pilot for the TV series instead, but Disney realized they could make a quick buck on a quick sequel, so yeah.

The songs. Songs are integral in any Disney movie such as this. When 2 of the songs are sung by Gilbert Gottfried, then you know you're not getting quality classic music. Nothing memorable in any of these songs. and only 1 of them is even remotely entertaining.

This is more the Iago story than it really is Aladdin's. The real main character and hero turns out to be Jafar's former protege instead of the one from the first, and far superior film. It is nice for someone else to be the ultimate hero, but this movie is a sequel to Aladdin. Shouldn't he be the one to finish Jafar? And Al already has an annoying comical animal friend in Abu, why the hell did he need two?

Genie went from entertaining to stale. I don't blame Castellaneta as much as the writing staff behind this movie.

final thoughts:

Return of Jafar is the ultimate example of why some things should be left well enough alone. It's sub-par animation, piss poor plot, and in the end, just plain tooncrap.

Battletoads

Toadilly Mediocre
Dic: 1992


when you think 90's and you think cartoons, many will remember the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When the comic series went animated in 1987, it became an instant success, spawning everything from action figures, clothing, movies, and even video games. And of course, like every successful thing, it has its knockoffs. Street Sharks, Biker Mice From Mars, Toxic Crusaders. all tried to recreate the success of the heroes in a half shell, but few only barely became memorable. however, there was another set of anthropomorphic heroes that tried to become the TMNT of the gaming world. and they were the Battletoads.




Before taking a James Bond movie and making it one of the most popular first person shooter games ever. Before they took the gaming world's main monkey Donkey Kong and giving him a 3D makeover, Rare created a game you either love, or have smashed many a controller over. Battletoads made its game debut on the NES in 1991, at a time when the 16-Bit era was in full swing, and the NES was starting to wind down. the plot had you playing brawling toads Rash and Zitz (it was the 90's, right smack dab in the whole "gross names" craze), as you save your comrade Pimple, and Princess Angelica from the Dark Queen.

But what stands between you and victory is some of the most difficult levels in gaming history. from rappelling down a nearly endless pit, to trying to survive a speeder bike track from hell, the game never let up on it's immense difficulty. This was one of those games most players never beat without the Game Genie. the game was a smash hit, and it wasn't long before it saw a port for the Sega Genesis, a sequel for the SNES, two games for the Game Boy, and a final multi-platform adventure, teaming up with another beloved video game team, the Double Dragons.


Not only was the Dark Queen one of the hottest pixelated women ever, but getting to face her was one of the toughest feats in gaming as well

So, Battletoads was quite a hit, what does this have to do with Tooncrap? well, let's get into it.

By the late 80's video gaming had seen a second coming, and with it came memorable animated adaptations. The Super Mario Bros Super Show, Captain N: The Game Master, Sonic the Hedgehog, and many others saw success not just on the gaming consoles, but on TV as well. By 1992, Battletoads had become a hit with gamers, so it looked to have Potential to be another animated classic. however, that wasn't the case. In the holiday season of 1992, Battletoads had a shot at becoming an animated series, when a pilot was aired as a chance to see if the show would be a big enough hit to start a series. that wouldn't be the case. so let's take a look at the only Battletoads episode ever created.

the intro is promising enough. it follows the basic formula of most cartoons with limited footage to use. The theme is also quite catchy, although a bit corny. My main complaint does come from the animation. This was 1992. by then animation had become much better, so the animation does look a bit sloppy. I know it was done by the same people behind The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, but for a cartoon involving super powerful amphibians, it doesn't feel fitting.  Perhaps Dic figured since this was only the pilot, that they wouldn't put that much effort into the animation.



We start the show with professor T-Bird and Princess Angelica being fired at in their Spaceship. We learn that Princess Angelica is the last of her family's bloodline, and that the Dark Queen is after her galactical amulet. Speaking of which, the Dark Queen and her minions are following them. We then cut to three Nerdy looking Kids.


Morgan Ziggler.


Dave Shar.



And George Pie. Seriously, of all the last names in the world, you have to give the fat guy, you name him Pie? anyway, they are being told by the principal that they are the biggest losers of the history of Waldo P. Oxnard Junior High. And due to them being bad influences with each other, he decides to split them up. They try to plead their case. But he shuts them down, essentially going as far as saying he doesn't even want them 20 feet from each other. You could argue that the principal is being a bit excessive, but considering how majorly klutzy they are, it's not hard to see why he would be so dire.



George (who has the always annoying surfer dude voice) tries to get involved with the Basketball team. and although getting told to beat it, still tries to play, only to somehow deflate the ball, and take down the entire Basketball hoop in the process.



Dave tries to use his Artistic talents to help promote the big football game, only to get his art rejected.





And Morgan, being the stereotypical nerd tries to help organize, only to destroy a computer in the process.






Meanwhile, Professor T-Bird and Princess Angelica are in a tomb on some planet, where they find the genetic essence of the Battletoads. Essentially like the mutagen from Ninja Turtles. The Dark Queen finds the duo, and Professor T-Bird decides that Earth is where they can find heroes worthy enough of being the Battletoads. T-bird then conveniently uses a portal to transport them to Oxnard California. How convenient that he just had the device to use right here and now. It's not like he could have used it before and got away from the Dark Queen easier.

Back to our nerdy protagonists, who are at a convenience store playing an arcade game. Morgan wonders what it would be like to be a video game character, only for the machine to conveniently begin to flash as T-Bird and Angelica teleport out of it. they tell the nerds of their situation, as the Convenience store clerk seems to somehow ignore the entire fact that a Princess and a talking bird just came out of an arcade machine. Somehow they believe the 3 nerds to be the greatest heroes of their race. Considering the two of them have only been on earth for not even a minute, that seems a bit hasty. The trio instantly agree to the opportunity to become heroes, and T-Bird sprays them with the Battletoad essence, and the trio instantly transform into said toads of the battle variety.




Somehow the Dark Queen and her minions begin to show up. coming through the Slurpee machine. T-Bird tells them to attack, but the trio, now unhappy that they've become giant amphibians, wonder why they should help. As the Dark Queen takes angelica, they trio decide to jump into action anyway. Morgan throws an icebox at the enemies, Dave uses his super fist, and George throws a watermelon. essentially the entire fight consists of using items from the store to humiliate the enemies, all while the clerk is still reading a newspaper. Seriously, is he freaking deaf? A surfer version of Hava Nagila plays in the background for some reason, making me wish for Barry Horowitz to show up. The Dark Queen and her minions retreat through a portal.

After sending the queen into retreat, Angelica bestows upon them names of Honor. Morgan becomes Zitz, Dave becomes Rash, and George becomes Pimple. Af those are names of honor, I'd hate to see what names of Dishonor are. The trio learn they can go back to normal form at any time. to which they shout "Let's get normal" to turn back. the trio head to the home of their favorite teacher, Mr. Thorpen. They hope that he'll  watch over Angelica and T-Bird. At first he doesn't believe them, until they transform in front of him. Kinda kills the point of changing back if you're just going to freaking transform in front of people the first chance you get. to transform they shout "Let's get Warty". not a really catchy catchphrase if you ask me.

they give the duo some stuff, including an old Cadillac that doesn't work. the trio then tell them that one of them needs to get a job. T-Bird agrees to get one, but since he's a giant talking Bird, he's out of the question. so Princess Angelica ends up working at a doughnut shop.

Just when things look calm, the Dark Queen's minions return. this time coming out of a Washer and Dryer. Three of the minions, are carrying satellite-looking laser things. Back to our heroes who are beginning to learn how to transform their hands into different weapons like cymbals, a bulldozer, and a hammer. We learn that somehow T-Bird stole his teleporter from the Dark Queen, which sorta explains how he got it earlier, but we never actually see him steal it, so... eh?



Meanwhile the Dark Queen finds Angelica at the doughnut shop and finally kidnaps her. She calls her bull minion General Slaughter to call off the attack at the Battletoads location, as he destroys T-Bird's teleporter. The toads wonder how they can save the Princess without a teleporter, but T-Bird informs them that they can use the car, which has now been dubbed "The Toadster". The group ends up at Ragnarok, where the princess is being trapped at the Dark Queen's tower. So from here, the plot somewhat resembles the video Game, what with having to climb the rotating tower and all.



The Dark Queen tries to get the amulet from Angelica, or else she'll destroy her with another one of those satellite lasers. the toads arrive, and face off with the queen, who takes them down by turning into a tornado, a la the game. The trio still prevail by freeing the Princess, taking out General Slaughter, and then using the laser to destroy the Queen's tower. The group escape in the toadster as the tower falls apart. however, the Queen is not yet done with out heroes, as she has one last trick up her sleeve.

Our heroes end up back at school, causing their clumsy chaos as usual. the Principal suspends them, but our heroes decide to transform in front of the entire school. Again, what the hell is the point of them even becoming human again if they're just going to transform in front of everyone? Sust then, the Queen arrives in a giant saw-like UFO. She begins to destroy the mall, when the Toads get in the UFO to put a stop to her, only to wind up trapped. The queen orders her minions to fire, seeming to forget that they are inside the UFO. The UFO blows up, as the dark queen escapes. Having saved the day, the Battletoads no longer have to stay away from each other. the show ends with the trio giving a high five, and the words "The Beginning" appear on the screen. however, it would also be the end, as the series was never picked up.

All in all, this episode isn't too bad for a pilot. but there are a lot of problems i have to critique.

#1. The animation. for something that seems like a turtles ripoff, the animation is shoddy, thanks to the style being similar to Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. Considering Battletoads on the NES had great graphics, it seems odd that the show wouldn't have great animation.

#2. Voice acting. From the annoying surfer voices, to the terrible catchphrases like "Toadified" "Toadariffic" and the oh-so-classic "Let's get normal!" None of the voices are all that interesting to listen to. except for maybe the Dark Queen.

#3. It's a Turtles ripoff, without anything that made the turtles good. With the turtles, all 4 of them were different. Leonardo was the serious leader, Donatello was the brainy inventor, Raphael was the smart ass, and Michelangelo was the party guy. the toads all seem to be too similar for any of them to be more interesting than the other.

Ather than that, it wasn't the Crappiest. but i doubt it would have been a major success.

One more note. Battletoads wasn't the only cartoon to have a pilot air on TV. In the mid 90's, another video game character tried his hand in the animated series department, but failed to get past the pilot. His name? Bubsy the Bobcat.